How To Stop My Dog From Chewin' And Stuff!!!!!

So I'm sittin' here doin' some thinkin'.......... So I says to myself, Self? What would be the best way to .......... Huh? What the heck was that?! Some kind of a gratin' sound.......... Hmmmmmmmm.......There it is again!
Wait a minute! I know that sound! It's my dog Yabaastad chewin' on somethin'!
"Hey! You're in trouble now Yabaastad!"
What the heck was he chewin' on and stuff?
"Get over here Yabaastad!"
So Yabaastad comes walkin' over lookin' all guilty and stuff. What is that on his face? Like crumbs and stuff. What the heck was he chewin' on? Hmmmmmmmmmm.......... What is that? Oh man! It's that fruitcake that my mom sent me last Christmas! Yuuuuck! It's like all gooey and stuff with Yabaastad spit. Ewwwwww, like as if fruit cake isn't bad enough to begin with..........
"Come here Yabaastad!"
So Yabaastad comes walkin' over lookin' all scared and stuff.
"Go ahead Yabaastad. You can have it -just take it outside!"
So Yabaastad grabs that gooey fruitcake and goes runnin' outside.
You know? Yabaastad really chews alot of stuff up. Hmmmmmm.........Yeah like when he chewed my thinkin' couch, and my fancy calculator up. The worst was when I found out too late that he chewed up all the toilet paper! Man that was bad and stuff!
Hmmmmmm.......... I wonder how I can get Yabaastad to stop chewin' and stuff? Hmmmmmmm...........
How to stop him from chewin'............
I tried puttin' hot sauce on stuff....... Man! I remember when I forgot that I put that hot sauce on the toilet paper. That was even worse than havin' no toilet paper! Nope I'm not usin' that hot sauce anymore!

Let's see. I could go out and get some fancy little caramels. Then I could put those fancy caramels on Yabastaads teeth and squeeze his jaws together. Yeah! Like he's not gonna be chewin' with his jaws stuck together! And those fancy caramels will give him fresh breath! Yeah! But like those fancy caramels would give Yabaastad cavities and stuff....... Nah....

Hmmmmmmmmmmm................C'mon brain you gotta do some thinkin' here............ Brain you better do some good thinkin' or I'm gonna stick my finger up my nose and poke you!

Hmmmmmm..................

Wait! I got it! Yeah! Oh brain, you've done it again!

Yep, I'm gonna go to the hardware store and get lot's of chain and stuff! Yeah! Then like I'm gonna hang everything from the ceilin' and stuff! Yep! The chairs, tables lamps - everything! That way Yabaastad won't be able to reach anythin' and stuff! When Yabaastad comes walks in and sees everythin' hangin he won't know what to do. Like I'll be sittin' on the couch, and call down to him "Hey Yabastaad, I'm up here!"
I bet Yabastaad will be so surprised!
Yep, That'll stop him from chewin' for sure! It's perfect! Yep, I'm gonna go get some chain!
Now where are my car keys? Oh come on.
"Yabaastad..................."

Buddy you need to write a book of all these little stories.Donate the money to an animal shelter or something.You never cease to make me laugh.

Like you, I am doing some thinking. And I'm thinking, how you gonna sit on the couch when it's on the ceiling?

I know! Velcro suit! You can cover your furniture in velcro, and sew the other half of the velcro to the bottoms of your pants. Or even just make clothes out of velcro!

The point may be moot though. Yabaastad may not be doing much chewing after the fruitcake. He might break off his teeth.

Lom, once again you have brought a gut busting laugh to my otherwise busted-free day. For that, I salute thee!

That's right, I said thee, trying out some of this new medieval lingo.

Your all mighty thinking got me thinking too, what is it with medievil people and horses? Why don't they just get with the times and buy a car? Because they're lazy, that's why.

About thy dog(eth) chewing everything there be only one cure, rub the dissolved lungs of the rare racing slug onto a frogs backside, now aim said frogs mouth at a piano and recite thusly,

'Bugger off and stop chewing my stuff.'

Trust me, it works a treat.