Home, there's no place quite like it. Of course, like all things subjective, it's a bit different for everyone. Many dream of a quaint little piece
of land with a cozy house surrounded by a freshly painted, white picket fence. If you lived in the big city, home might be a spacious loft with a
spectacular view of the world below. But for most city dwellers, it's an apartment. More than likely, one of those over romanticized studio
apartments. The kind where the walls are unbearably thin and the neighbors prefer to keep their distance. Whatever the case may be,
everyone
needs a sanctuary.
Alan walked into his studio apartment. He tossed his keys and a couple of letters onto the end table near the front door and flopped onto an armchair.
He dug a cigarette from the pack in his outer shirt pocket, lit up, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. It had been a long day, and it was time to sit
back and relax.
As he opened his eyes, he noticed a dark figure. Curled on the loveseat across the coffee table was what appeared to be a cat. Rather, it was more of
a pitch black void in the form of a cat. The figure raised its' head towards Alan, and stared nonchalantly at him with sparkling red eyes. It stirred
a bit, stretched its' front legs and settled back to sleep once more.
Alan took another long drag off his cigarette, completely unfazed at the sight of a shadow cat lounging on his furniture.
A long and slender smokey figure materialized from the depths of the unlit hallway. It entered the room and solidified into the
dark shape of a woman. "Hey, you're back!" she said cheerfully.
"Hi, Colette," Alan replied. "Cute cat."
"Oh, I see you've met Muffin."
"Muffin? You've never struck me as cat kind of girl," he said. "But Muffin? Come on."
"That just shows how little you know about me. Besides, she belongs to Kent."
"How can you tell she's a she?" he asked.
Colette laughed.
"Never mind," Alan replied. “I’ll take your word for it.”
As he finished his cigarette, the quiet reverie was broken. The neighbor's surround sound system had kicked into full gear, as the all to familiar
sound track to
"Lord of the Rings" echoed through the walls into Alan's apartment. He groaned at the thought of another all night trilogy
movie marathon vibrating through the place and ruining what should have been a peaceful evening.
Muffin awoke and stretched lazily across the sofa. She got up, pattered toward a dark corner down the hallway and melted into the shadows.
Alan was not particularly fond confrontations, and he certainly was not fond of Lars. He sulked down the corridor to Lars' apartment, took a deep
breath and knocked loudly on the door. A muffled voice started cursing from inside, followed shortly by the sound of various bolts clicking and
sliding back. Lars cracked the chained door open a few inches and glared at Alan.
"Could you please turn it down a couple of notches. The walls are shaking."
"Bite me," Lars replied, as he slammed the door shut in his face.
"Nice."
Alan shook his head and returned to his apartment. A few seconds later the volume was cranked up louder, as the ominous sounds of the battle filled
the living area.
“There’s nothing like a good exercise in futility,” piped Colette. “But, hey, at least you stood your ground.”
“Yeah, this time we actually conversed before he slammed the door on me.”
“Really?” she asked, genuinely surprised. “What did he say?”
“
'Bite me.'”
“Excuse me?” she replied.
“
'Bite me.' That’s all he said. Then wham!”
At that moment two dark figures emerged from a dark corner at the far end of the studio. Both were at least a head taller than Alan, and carried small
black tote bags that seemed to meld to their hands.
“Good grief,
'Lord of the Rings', again?” exclaimed Kent, in a rich baritone voice laced with a British accent.
“That’s got to at least be the third time this month,” said Harold, as he placed the bags on the coffee table.
"It's the fourth," Colette corrected.
“That may be, but I don’t understand why he feels the need to share the bloody genius that is Tolkein with the entire building!” said Kent
sharply.
Colette walked to the wall that split the two apartments and disappeared. A few moments later she returned giggling. "He's wearing the helmet,
again," she snickered.
"No!" exclaimed the two shadows in unison. Colette just nodded her head in affirmation. At this revelation, Harold and Kent nearly doubled over in
hysterics. They both dropped onto the loveseat gasping for breath.
"What helmet?" Alan asked, looking obviously confused.
"Last time he popped that movie in, you were out and about town," Colette said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Well, I decided to peek in on him. Lo
and behold, Lars is wearing one of those Viking helmets with the horns sticking out the sides."
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Alan laughed. “Do they even wear those in the film?”
“Who knows. Hell, who cares!” Harold replied. He picked himself off the loveseat and helped Kent to his feet.
“All we can say is he looked like a damn bloody fool,” Kent chuckled. “Parading around with that thing on top of his head. Guzzling beer and
eating pizza like there’s no tomorrow.”
“You should have seen it. It was an absolute riot!” exclaimed Harold.
They all shared a good laugh, as Colette began to rummage through the black bags. Out she pulled six red and white Chinese take-out boxes and four
sets of chopsticks. Alan placed the wineglasses on the coffee table, and Kent poured a nice white wine. They settled themselves on the floor and
started to feast.
“This is delicious,” Alan said. “I’m guessing you picked this up through one of your usual connections?”
“Of course,” Kent said. “I’m the consummate networker. In our world, one can never have too many connections.”
As they sat on the floor and ate, the chink of glasses and the epic battle sounds of Middle Earth embraced them. After awhile, Alan grew quiet as he
finished his meal. He tilted his chin towards his troublsome neighbor, then sighed.
“What am I going to do,” he asked. The shadows remained silent. “I can’t afford to move. Hell, I don’t want to move. I love this
place!”
“Lars is not exactly the kind of guy you can reason with, either,” Harold said, matter-of-factly.
“You think!” Alan snapped. “The guy’s nuts. Reason, much less logic eludes him. It’s a classic catch-22.”