A Saw trap of my own creation

The Boiler Room

A man in his early 20’s wakes up in a dark, dank and dingy room. The walls are dripping with sewage. A light layer of water is covering the floor. His eyes jerk open. He looks around wildly, but can’t see anything. The only light was coming from a single swinging light bulb overhead. A smell of rotting flesh and wet steel floats through the air. He coughs in disgust. His breathing gets heavy, and he starts to panic. "Where am I? How did I get here!" He quickly gets up and stumbles around. A small Television set flickers on. The light burns his eyes, but he manages to look. A clown like puppet appears on screen and a satanic voice echoes through the small room.

"Hello Reggie. I hear that you just got back from service in Iraq, safe and sound, not a scratch on you. But I have a small question for you. Did you serve your country more then you served yourself? I’ve heard stories of you in Iraq. I’ve heard the stories of you raping and drowning young children. Even in front of your fellow soldiers, you would defile children; deprive them of their lives. But for what reason? Did it give you some sick pleasure? Did it make you feel high and mighty? Well, we’re going to see how big you feel today. As you have probably noticed, you are in a dark room, locked, away from the rest of the world. In front of you, is your beautiful wife, and your two loving sons. They are chained to a wall, helpless. In a matter of minutes, this room will fill will boiling hot water, and you will drown. To get the key, to turn off the water, and open the door to this room is quite simple. Beside where you woke up, is a pair of scissors. The key is located in the stomach of one of your family members. The question is, which one? You have 3 minutes to find out, cut open their stomach, and retrieve the key. Don’t worry they wont feel a thing. They’re dead tired. Live or die Reggie, Make your choice."

Reggie looks down at his feet, and can see the scissors sitting there. He bends down and picks them up, running the blade along his fingers. He walks over to his son, Jeremy. Surprisingly calm, he bends down and looks at him. He’s dead, for what seems like a few hours. He lifts up Jeremy’s shirt. Reggie breathes deeply and plunges the scissors into his son’s abdomen. After digging around for several seconds, unsuccessful in finding the key, he moves over to his wife, Kerry. He lifts up her shirt, and starts to cut open her stomach, but is shocked. She wakes up. He stares at her, a blank look across his face.

"What are you doing!" She screams. He brings up the scissors, and plunges them into his wife, the blood running over the blades. He continues searching for the key, his wife screaming in agony. Just as his wife loses her last breath, he finds it.

He gets up, bloodstained, with the key in hand. He walks over to the pump and tries to put the key in the hole, but it doesn’t fit properly. Suddenly, he hears a gurgling noise, Water moving above his head. He looks up, and can see the water falling into the room. He jumps, the water hitting his feet. He screams. The key drops into the water. The water keeps climbing; it’s up to his knees now. He screams louder, as it climbs higher, up to his shoulders. His skin begins to boil. The water is over his head now. His eyes burning with the immense heat, his face covered in blisters and blood. He can’t hold his breath any longer. He takes a breath in, and the boiling water flows into his lungs. He screams, but nothing comes out. More water flows in, filling his lungs with death. Reggie stops moving. He floats to the top of the room, hitting the ceiling. Him and his family are now dead, their skin still boiling from the water surrounding him. A voice floats over from outside the door of the room, as satanic as the voice from the Television.

“Game over”


[edit on (3/15/0707 by Hexidecimal]

That was some dark stuff!

One thing though, you over describe a wee bit. Instead of describing every action, roll them into one sentence maybe.

Other than that, good stuff.

Yes, it's some dark stuff.

What about the other son? If the key didn't work, was it a decoy?

Did the second son, who might have been alive still, was the key in his
stomach? Could he have regurgitated the key and helped his father
escape? We're talking scoring points here.

neat concept...

I see you're a fan of the movie trilogy - SAW.

You put a considerable effort into setting the stage, but it still requires at least a bit of the Saw movies to give it that exrta kick. If I hadn't been aware of the movies themselves, your story probably would not have had the same impact.

If you could do another scene totally disassociated from Hollywood influences and used the same descriptive qualities you so admirably described above, it would impress me more.

Let me put it this way... pretend I'm playing an electric guitar and I try to do the best rendition of a Pink Floyd riff... wouldn't it always sound a 'little off', no matter how good I was? Now pretend I'm playing that same axe and do a pretty awesome job at something I came up with myself.

You have nothing to compare my creation to and so you enjoy it only for itself rather than relating it to some-one else's 'original' creation.

I can see that you are capable of creating pictures with words. I suppose I'm challenging you to create an image which is distinctly your own.