Abusive BF

I can agree with all the posts so far...espeically justgeneric...very good advice.

I too will be to the point...

I do not think you really love this guy...you think you do. Marriage will not change him and if marriage did happen, can you imagine how caged he would feel ?

How could you love someone that abuses you ? He has become a habit in your life and you need to break that habit.

It may feel like you have lost an arm or leg for awhile but hey...I have been there (many years ago) and it quickly passes. This guy is destroying your self esteem and his self esteem seems pretty poor too, by all accounts. He has issues that he has not resolved and he is acting out on you.

Also, do you nag him about getting married ? That really pees some men right off. I personally would not even mention the M word again. It is clear to me that this is a buzz word that sets him off...take a fool's advice and refrain. He obviously is content to be with you now, but not forever.

You said you are 23 ? Still plenty of time to find the right partner for you...why the rush ?

What you are experiencing is just a preview of your future life with this guy. I would advise that you start to organise a way of leaving and soon.
Do you have family that will help and protect you ? Do not let him know you are going, just do it.

You seriously need to sit down (by yourself) and look at your relationship with this man objectively...note the strengths and weakenesses in both of you (be honest now). Maybe you really are pushing his buttons...you need to address this.

Only you can make the decision to: a) stay and be miserable and abused, risking physical and psychological harm; or
b) leave and eventually find a man who truly values, honours and respects you with whom you can enjoy all the pleasures that true deep love brings.

I did choose option b and speak from experience.

You did not mention children...if you do have little ones, you must leave and quickly. They must not be exposed to this behaviour.


Hope things go well for you Section03






[edit on 8-1-2007 by resistancia]

The original poster on this thread stirkes me as very insecure. They live in a type of fantasy land. It is so ingrained that they are blinded to the important tell tale signs. They are in love with the idea of being in love..like a drug habit that they cannot shake. They are not in love with the reality of love and dont seem to be able to identify this. Love to them is a way out...or so they think.

Both this female and the male in the OP are insecure. This is not a good combination.

THe female to me is obviously looking for ways out of her "domestic" situation through marriage. She does not state what she has to offer an insecure man in marriage. She seems to make an assumption that many posters will by default allow to play through...unchallanged. The assumption is that she is the offer..this is obviously not true.
Conversely she does not state what this man has to offer her long term for which she is wont to put up with all his insecurity for access to this offer.

In this case what the OP states as love is to me a blinding influence...like a drug. Alot of women think this way and are not accustomed to being challanged or questioned about it. Men too.

love love love love...everything is love...we are all good people and we deserve good things..because we are good people.

This is a formula for disaster ....many of the posters here are correct on this.

Orangetom

Section03, are you being serious in this thread?

Also in one post in this thread you stated that you may not be female. Is this just a 'throw it out and see what replies I get' thing?

In the case that you are serious...

Leave him. If you're a man or woman it doesn't matter, the other partner shouldn't be abusing you in any way. Marriage only makes it worse. My mum stayed with my abusive father cause to her generation divorce wasn't the done thing. She finally wised up and left him after 25 years of hell though.

Do the right thing and get the heck out of dodge.

[edit on 9/1/07 by jimboman]

ahh.. I see what you mean. I only read the first post and it was clear the insecurity on both parts for different reasons but insecurity none the less.

Still the reasons apply..insecurity is not a good basis on which to begin. Dreamland will always clash with reality.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Originally posted by Esoteric Teacher
no you do not love him. You can't love him unless you love yourself. If you loved yourself, you would not tolerate it.

Great comment!

Guys that beat up women are scumbags. Tell him to get effed and leave. It sounds harsh but a woman like you who is even considering going back to an abusive BF needs to hear things in a harsh, direct manner. Read Esoteric Teacher's quote again and again.

Peace

Oh, I didn't know you were a dude.....sorry! Same still applies.

[edit on 9-1-2007 by Dr Love]

FROM MY HEART~!
I was in not one but two domestic violent marraiges. 13 years imprisonment) You cannot even imagine that anguish and pain. It started out with just slight verbal abuse and continued to escalate. It is a set up and a mind trap and a cruel game. I am now divorced 44 years old and the greatest impact was on my two children. My son is having so much difficulty. He is near 18. So many factors to calculate when wanting to marry someone. I thought I knew my second husband well before we married. The outbursts didn't start until after marraige. Now in my older wiser years I can see the pattern. Please if anyone who reads this post, please don't continue in an abusive relationship. Get out, find counsel, help whatever you have to do. Life is too short and there ARE good men out there. I am now recovering still and sticking with friendships, yes male as well as it is helping me to learn to discern and trust again. I have learned to be content.
MY BEST VALENTINES DAY~!
As I was in a local grocery store I watched many attractive men skurrying about the store in seach of a Valentine's present for their women, at first I felt a lump in my throat, feeling voided and left out as if I were the only one who would be left out. I grabbed my purchase and headed for the register. At the endcap was the most beautiful boquet of flowers, very fragrant. I picked them up and started to place them back in defeat when something inside of me said BUY THEM FOR YOU! I chose myself as my own valentine hahah and a smile of recognition that I didn't need a man to buy and appreciate me I could do that all for myself! I bought this boquet for all I do and appreciate what I do for others. Needless to say that was a great beginning for me to heal.
TAKE MY ADVICE~!
Don't tolerate any form of abuse, whether verbal or physical, you are of value regardless of what a mans or society's opinion is of you. A true relationship is worth waiting for, watch carefully with your eyes and your heart. If you have to question it, it's not the right one.

Originally posted by Section03
I just dont know what he means, but i love him and i will never let him get away from me. Any advice?

My advice is to figure out what love is. You obviously love this guy, but have not enough of it for yourself to stand up and be counted.

I know it is hard to figure out just what each of you want just starting out, but may I suggest you learn acting skills in your relationship and play along just enough to figure out your mans head and then use it against him????

I have heard your argument personally time and time again and I don't know what to tell you about doubting someones love. In your case, it doesn't help that he mistreats you, but may I ask if he never layed a hand on you or yelled at you or caused any trouble, would you still doubt he loved you?

Originally posted by Section03
I just dont know what he means, but i love him and i will never let him get away from me. Any advice?

Sorry honey, but how could you love such an agitated, crazy, tyrannical, violent hater as this guy is? You need to learn how to love yourself! Kick this bastard to the curb, and do it quickly before he maims you. Why on God’s green earth would you even consider marrying such a man? Well he isn’t even a man; he’s much less than a dog.
If this hurts your feelings, I’m sorry, but you need a wake-up call, and these kinds of situations do not improve. You cannot change him. If he keeps telling you that you are the cause of all his problems, then help him out, and leave him so he can be much happier…and… so can you

You need to walk out with your spirit and body intact before you are carried out on a stretcher. It's just a matter of time before the phone books turn into fist and then worse a gun. You should think how he would treat his children if he does this to you.

I haven't read any other post in this thread however I just want to say that if you are truly having doubts then obviously something is wrong. People who are in abusive relationships often say that they love their abuser despite what happens, and love is a beautiful thing which should be nurtured.

However, if someone is using your love as a way to stop you leaving them, and causing (or even threatening you with) physical harm, you must put yourself first. People often say that they love their partner more than life itself, however if your partner treats you in such a violent, abusive, derogatory way he simply isn't worthy of your love.

Leave him, and find someone who you can love more than life itself, and who in turn loves you more than life itself.
Don't let a man who can't keep his temper in check walk all over you.

Your life is not a game to be won or lost in
some sort of whose right- whose wrong -oneupmanship contest!

His behavior is manipulative at the very least and you fall
into the
" I love him, I am better than him, I can heal him"
scenario .which is the very thing he wants you to think!
This is learned behavior and carries on in families
through many generations.

Bet he plays the good guy- bad guy thing to the bust,
and has YOU apologizing for things that were all his fault!
MANIPULATION!

If he loved you he wouldn't use
that very LOVE against you!

Come on , half of the population of the world is male.....
and some very nice ones too , may I add!

GET OUT NOW!!
Wonderful advice in this thread, think about it!!

Can't feel sorry for ya, sorreh.

If he touch you, you gotta leave, hitting, especially a women is the sign to leave. That is violence. Violence is bad, especially if you're not even provoking him, even if you WERE his actions would still be bad, but you are showing feelings,... so that is totally inhumane, you better get a guy that really love you.

I had experience with this cuz some of my beloved female family members have not so good husbands, I've had to at times stand at the door and listen and be prepared to kill those damn husbands in case something happened, I always know I will only relax if they divorced them, so that's why I think you should leave now, I'm sure something worse can happen, hell, the stuff you've already said sounds bad enough.

Abuse never seems to abate, only escalate. I've heard that "but I love him" line many times. Real men don't hit women. He is the one with the problem. Poor self esteem on your part allows this to transpire. I've been witness to this type of scenario many times and it never gets better. He is not going to change. Do yourself a favor that might save your life, and get out now while you can. Good luck.

It doesn't matter if you are both men and if you could flatten him bare handed. The fact of the matter is that in a genuinly healthy relationship these issues should never come up in the first place.

I am in the processing of exiting a same-sex abusive relationship - we have a child and have been together for more than a decade. The abuse isn't going to stop - not for me - and not for you.

Domestic Violence

scroll to the bottom of the list and click on "Violence in Same Sex Relationships." The PDF file there contains information written specifically for abuse and power imbalances in the gay/lesbian community. What you find might amaze you.

You might be in love, but is it a love worth dying for? Even more, is it a love worth years of indescribable pain and unexplainable anguish?

You are worth better. You are worth a love that is returned in a healthy manner. You don't deserve this.

As stated by many previous posters. Leave.
I am no angel - trust me. I have been married for 11 years, and with her for 15 years. During our relationship, there have been times when I've been more furious at her than I've ever been at anybody. But I can honestly say this. The thought of being abusive towards her, especially physically NEVER EVEN CROSSES my mind. I'm 6' 3", 230 lbs. She is 5' 2" 110 lbs. - It would be pretty easy for me to intimidate her. But why? No -I'm sorry, this person that acts this way towards you is not worth your time.
You need to take a deep breath, open your eyes, and walk away.