a lot on my mind

i'm not exactly what you'd call a regular on this board, and that';s kind of why i feel comfortable discussing this here. nobody knows me. i feel comfortable asking for advice here because quite a few of you have demonstrated a large amount of personal wisdom. i also know that nobody can live my life but me - it's just nice to hear other peoples views on things, as sometimes it really helps to shape my thinking.

the past year has been absolutely bizarre. i've been through a relationship that almost destroyed me, and i'm currently trying to use it as motivation to grow as a person. i'm living on my own for the first time. i'm starting to see that not everyone can be trusted, and that no matter what i do there will always be someone who will want what i have.

i have a hard time ignoring the fact that i'm alone, romantically. i'm 90% sure that it's residual effect from the end of the relationship i was speaking of. i know i have a lot of work to do growing up, as i'm only 23. i've been steadily doing better over the past month, the beginning of which almost saw me committing suicide due to a lifelong depression.

i guess mydilemma is that i'm completely lost right now. i know that i've got to get my own life in order before i can do anything else right, but i still have panic attacks when i think that i just wasn't good enough - for anyone. i've never been anyones best friend. i've never been with someone who i felt really loved me. i have my family, and they are a great support, but i've always kept a distance from them because i've done a lot of things they wouldn't approve of.

where do i find the inner strength to keep it up, every day? self improvement isn't that difficult, it's just the time frame that daunts me. i'm constantly afraid of slipping back into the person i used to be, who i don't want to be anymore. i'm tired of accepting responsibility for everything, regardless of it truly belongs on my shoulders or not. i'm tired of being a scapegoat, and i'm tired of lies.

in march, i'm moving to denver for a fresh start. i need to be around new people, and i need a breath of fresh air. until then, what are some things i can be focusing on to make this easier on myself? i don't want to become a recluse just because it hurts.

Originally posted by 25cents
it's just the time frame that daunts me.

It's the passage of time that will help you. Self-improvement happens moment by moment. Be the best person you can be and don't beat yourself up over mistakes. Get to know you before worrying about knowing someone else. Balance is the key.

Maybe to your relief you'll find that most, if not all, of us that will read and respond to your posting know exactly how you feel. Not that you want to hear how other people are feeling, in fact I'm guessing you might just be of the mind that you're the only one who has ever felt the way you do.

I won't go into a long, drawn-out diatribe of how I experienced the same things you have, 'cause it's useless and it takes the focus away from you, and that's where you need to be focusing. I'll just offer up some advice:

Take it easy and focus on yourself for a while.
Don't rush into any sort of whirlwind relationship, do go out and meet new people, just don't date them.
Hopefuly you're getting treated for the depression, that can go a long way to getting back on track.

Best of luck and take care!

oh, i'm quite aware that i'm not the only person who's ever felt like this. I know very well that my situation isn't even unique.

it is, however, the first time i've been in the situation myself, and so i'm simply looking for a little discussion on the topic. as i said, the people here are a bit more knowledgable and less likely to mock an individuals emotions than my usual crowd.

You no what, I think you are taking them steps already

The drive to want to change is the strongest, I think you can do it,


You say you have been no ones best friend ect, I'm wondering if how you felt before almost kept that distance from people,

When I'm unsure about myself or who i am, i go somewhere and help, something that makes me want to strive that bit harder, meet someone who would dream to have what you have right now,


I also advice you to join something like Karate, as that can help your self confidence, and also a discipline,

I think for you moving away is the right thing, My Brother faced a lot of problems and being in the same place he just seemed to go around in circles, so he one day made the move to leave and set up new, he now has grown up and got a long term girlfriend, a home and a good job, if he would have stayed here then I'm in no doubt his life would have not turned out that way,


If you ever need to just chat then please u2u me,
If you need that 2nd opinion from someone looking in then please feel you can contact me.,

I wish you luck and i hope to see you threads full of new adventures

I know what you mean about mocking your emotions. For some reason the detachment here on the boards lends itself to a better approach to sensitive subjects than hanging out with friends. Bringing topics like this up around your buds tends to make them uncomfortable (sometimes) and that can lead to awkward joking around.

Asala's right, you've taken the first step.

Well, since this is the first time you've felt like this I'll share with you a little.

Three years ago I came home from work and found a letter on the kitchen counter from my wife saying she has left and that we will work visitation out with my daughter in a few days. I was destroyed. There was nothing leading up to this and the only answer I ever got was that she wasn't ready to settle down (after four years of marriage!) For the next 5 months I lost 50 lbs (from 250 to 200lbs) and shut my family and friends out. The only thing that meant anything was my daughter. Over time things got slowly better and now three years later and I'm doing fine.

Keep talking about it, it'll help!

Your inability to victimize yourself or wallow in self pity is the factor that will turn things around for you. Your making great strides already by acknowledging whats happening. Surprisingly, most people are not aware of what is going on in their own life. They are just along for the ride.

A new move can certainly be the answer. New place, fresh faces. You can create who you want to be, no perceived notions from your peers. No expectations, no role to fill. You can be who you want to be.

So I wish you all the best. If you feel up to it in the future, I'm sure some of us would love an update.

Good luck man.

Originally posted by asala
You no what, I think you are taking them steps already

The drive to want to change is the strongest, I think you can do it,

Exactly.... good call Asala.


Hang in there buddy, you are definitley taking the right steps towards getting your life in order.

The only other thing I can offer is, get close, stay close to your family, no matter what you've done, they'll be there for you.

I know what you are going through quarter. I am alone, I am obese, I have just gotten out of a relationship that lasted about a year. I have been through the lowest point of my life, But it's that pain, those horrible emotions, and the # that I've been through, that gives me the drive to, stay on my diet, excersice, work harder in school, go on ATS daily, and quit smoking. Just use that negative energy for your benefit. Use it as a drive to better yourself. and don't resort to it dosn't help a damn thing.
feel free to U2U,
Ford Farmer

[edit on 12-11-2006 by Ford Farmer]

It's not a small club either.

I've posted a couple of heartfelt posts and a blog entry about it. For anyone who doesn't know Dysthemia is characterized as a long running depression - can last anywhere from a few years to a decade.

Sure there's medication and therapy as hokey as it may be sometimes can be a real help. But first you need a doctor you can trust...then you need to talk your face off. Then you can plan how to tackle it.

I never talked about it because I always viewed it as a weakness. Silly huh?

I have it a bit easier as I have a kiddo who needs to me to put on a brave face daily and that helps a great deal.

Depression isn't about how rich you are, or how successful in business, love or other ventures, how great looking you are or how smart you are...you could be the world's biggest success and still not be able to drag your ass out of bed in the morning.

No will power. No motivation. Just action.

You can't have motivation without first being active...otherwise all you have is "ideas" or thoughts and those can be ignored easily LOL.

I can recommend a great book. Scientific fact, detailed breakdown of the way depression hits and why. Cheap book and I read it all the time just to keep in practice. I still struggle daily with the depression just so you know...reading a book and making yourself function doesn't make it go away it just makes it bearable. The rest is really up to you and how you want things to be.

I know that's not easy...sure is easy to say though.

The book is called Feeling Good by David D. Burns (ISBN 0-380-81033-6)...I know it's a really stupid and flaky name and makes you think "pseudo psychology" or "mooshy self help" but it really is more of a scientific study and approach to a condition that affects millions in varying degrees.

I've read others and they are just too flaky. I need something that makes sense and has facts...substance. So I highly recommend the book.

Everyday is a new day...I hate the saying but it's true.

All the best

Wazzzaaaa 25cents,

I'm not a regular on this board as far as posting is concerned, just look at my ATS points and when I joined heheh, but I felt that I needed to reply to this post because I know alot about depression, the panic attacks that insue, and the thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I've been told I've had a hard life, but over the years, I've kept telling my self, "Mind over mater".

About 2 years ago I was engaged to someone who I thought I truly loved, only to have her blame me for her defects, and ditched me to go after someone she had taken intrest in, my best friend and roomate at the time. And I learned that you can't trust many people anymore, even those you've known for 8+ years.

It must be hard living on your own, I still live at my mom and stepdad at age 22, only because they need the financial help and I wouldn't make it on my own with the limited job experiance, lack of a highschool degree or GED, and no car, licence, or insurance.

After I broke up with this girl 2 years ago, I had the sense of being empty, even before I met her I had that same feeling. I was always sure that I needed to be with someone in order to be happy. But over time, I've learned that you only really need your self in order to be whole, no one around to tell you how to live, what to buy, or nagging you to pick up something they want at the store. I've always told my self, I won't kill my self because others expect more from me, I kept telling my self that I'm better and stronger then that, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I know how it feels to be lost, I still am as far as I'm concerned. Have always thought that my best just wasn't good enough which in turn, gave me low self esteem which in turn, turned into depression=hating life=wanting to end it all. However, I found a job at KFC. I found that I was the top pick in the interviews that were given to about 10 other people, and was praised for having a positive attitude and a good head on my sholders. But what really helped me, was being around others and learning about how hard they had it, being able to exchange stories, and just in general, meeting new people. I don't know what it was but, it really helped me in knowing that I was needed even though I still suck at taking orders and am real slow in serving. There have been a few times where I was doing so poorly that I froze and started to have a panic attack, but every time I've been able to use that mind over mater to continue on and regain my focus.

Everyone has their own ways of coping with stress and finding the will to go on, every day. My best sugestion is to find something that you like to do in your own home, or outside if you prefer. Do it every time you feel that you just need to get away from your own thoughts, I find video games are very helpful in this. If you ever become afraid of recessing back into your depression, just think of all the progress you've made, even if it's little progress, you're still a better off then you were before. You will meet alot of people in your life, and there will be times that you envy, times that you loathe, times that you pitty, and maby times that you fall in love. Always try to better your self, remember mind over matter, and remember those who are worse off then you are. I sware, some people's purpose in life is only to serve as a warning to others, and I think about those people and am thankful for what I have, who I am. And that has made it easier to tackle my responsibilities.
So you're moving to Denver? I live here in Aurora, which is a few miles south east of Denver. Good luck on getting a breath of fresh air, air is kinda thin up here heheh.


[edit on 30-11-2006 by Slash]

Feeling lost, while it may feel distressing and lonely at present, can actually be good for you. I know I sound crazy but I am feeling that exact same way right now, having gotten married, moved to another country, adjusting to a completely new lifestyle and being away from everything I know and find comfort in.

But I think that feeling of being lost gives us the chance to start something wonderful for ourselves.

We live and learn, so take the lessons you have been taught so far in your life and try to use it to your advantage as best you know how. Just don't force anything, find where you feel you fit and then keep going.

You are definitely taking the steps you need to to get to where you want to be and I hope making the move to a new place is going to be great for you. I don't doubt it will be

I wish you all the best,
God bless.