My dilemma - pleas advise if you can!

Ok this is kinda long do bear with me
I was going out with my girlfriend for coming up on close to two years.
This is the most serious relationship I've ever had and I am in love with this
girl. I met her through work and we still work together in the same office.
Everything was going great, unfortunately due toa slight physical problem which
she is about to get treated for, we have been unable to make love for a number of monhs, something we've both coped with though.
Then it all changed, I went on holidays, I came back and i noticed some strange things about her behaviour. She started to take a lot of private calls on her cellphone and started to receive a lot of sms messages, normally we're so open with each other that we would say 'oh that was John' or whoever but she didnt which i found strange. This went on for ages and I couldnt stop thinking about it, I became very suspicious.I plucked up the courage to ask her was there anything up because I told her she'd been acting strange, and I thought it might be a complication with her medical problem, she said not there were a few problems at home and she wanted to sort them out, she appeared upset and i told her I would help her through any problems, she said no she'd be fine. I left it at that. But the calls didnt stop and she'd leave me alone for ten or 20 mins and then reappear and say nothing. To cut a long story short my curiousity got the better of me and I got nosey, im sorry to say.I became afraid that someone else had come into her life and i did something stupid, I did a search on the internet for a similair situation to seek advice but I never switched off the monitor (stupidly) and she came in the next morning and saw what I'd looked for which included the word 'cheating'.As you can imagine she lost it with me and said how could I think that? I of course was in despair and tried to explain but she wouldnt listen (which i understood).She said she didnt have the time to devote to me anymore, she said she still loved me but she didnt have time for anyone else in her life with what she was dealing with at the moment.She said how could i think there was someone else?I had to accept this and the guilt ate me up inside for the next month and a half.To make matters worse the calls didnt stop or the msgs and I had to deal with that too. We stayed friends but its been so awkward and I miss the closeness we had so much. We dont talk about our situation , Ive confronted her and asked her are we finished but she never says no, just that at the moment she hasnt got time and shes still upset at what she saw on the computer that time. So I blame myself for this.
However then something else happened, one night after work I asked her to come to mine just for a chat/coffe etc, she declined saying she had to get home. I said okay. Instead I ended up seeing her meeting this guy who I found out she had been texting/ringing. I fell apart when I saw this and I wrote a big letter to her asking her to explain why she had felt the need for soemone else and what she had put me through. I wasnt prepared for the reaction . She completely lost it and said nothing had been going on and that this guy was just a friend, I asked her why she'd lied to me and she said that she knew I'd get jealous and over react. So I'd actually f%*ked up again! and got it wrong apparently. Now things are even more weird, we had a big argument and she says there was a huge lack of trust on my part and how she's entitled to her privacy which i told her I agreed with,
I guess I am a jealous guy.I love this girl to bits and I want to be with her, we've had some great times together, she told me that we just have to get over it and move on. The problem is I cant. I think about her all the time no matter how hard I try not to. I blame myself for messing things up but then at the same time I cant stop thinking about how she was behaving and meeting this guy (who I know) behind my back. I cant prove anything......

...happened between her and this guy because all I have to go on is that she had private conversations, she said some of these calls were her family, and she met this guy this one time (that I know of), thats all.We stopped having sex but how do I know she hasnt lied about that too?
I have two things to make up for, not trusting her in the first place and then
thinking she was seeing this guy when she is so adamant that she is innocent and believe me when she puts her point across she is so tough to argue with, I just want to be happy with her, I never saw this happening to us, we were so happy and now I blame myself entirely as it seems she is completely innocent. Xmas is gonna be so miserable.When I told my best friend about her behaviour he thought that this was classic cheating material and told me I was completely right to
think what I did. Im so confused. Right now we are getting on fine and she seems almost happy with how things are which is horrible for me, Ive been depressed, we agreed to continue being good friends and we are still very close, we have to see each other everyday at work but theres no sign of our relationship recovering right now. Her calls and texts have been significantly reduced but she still does it at times.Ive already tried to make amends by buying her expensive presents and apologising sincerely to her but it hasnt worked.
So I dont know have I messed up, is she totally innocent,its tearing me up inside, she wont tell me if its over or if i have any hope, I want to be with this girl but she wont tell me where I stand, she has said in the future who knows what might happen so I see hope there.
Im caught in two minds, should I go all out to try and figure out if she is really with someone behind my back? Ive considered (and I feel like the lowest of the low for this) trying to listen to her phone conversations or something with some type of recording device or something. This is desperation stuff I know but what else can i do? I dont want to make things worse by confronting her again, but I do want to know the truth, its a horrible situation and i cant accurately write down all the details, this is a rough guide, why are relationships so damn complex.
I dont want to have to sink to those depths but right now I'd do anything to find out where i stand and if she was really telling me the truth.Has anyone ever encountered anything like this? what did you do?
If im proved wrong again how can I get back into her life? Im trying to show her how sorry i am every day and being as nice as possible but I dont think this is enough. She is incredibly hard to read aswell. She knows exactly how I feel about her and as Ive said she hasnt actually said that she doesnt want to be with me anymore just that she needs time to recover from whats hapepned and to have some space to herself.
I just dont know what to do or even how to react around her, every time her fone rings I think about this othe guy being in her life which is unbearable.
Of course shes entitled to her friends and to have a private life,as am I but why the secrecy? Ive asked myself these questions over and over again, hoep somebody can undersatnd my situation,
thanks for reading, sorry for the long post.

Walk Away...

I have been in some relationships that had similar events.

The longer you stay, the longer you hurt. Make your mind up to move on, treat her as a friend and walk away.

If she truly wants to be with you, she will pursue you. But you need to make up your mind that it is not going to happen, and again; Walk Away...

Just my .02


Semper

Thank you for your swift reply.I really appreciate it.
A friend of mine offered the same advice.
Its a complex situation because I work with this girl and for me to
completely walk away I'd have to leave the job or she would, which is something
that I cant financially afford to do. But I can see the sense in what you are saying and I have thought the same,believe me, and I'm sure you know from your experience that its how your heart makes you feel which is the biggest stumbling block to taking that sort of action. I still and for as far into the future as I can see will always love this girl, that is the biggest
problem and I know that feeling as I do now is stopping me from leading a happy life, I guess I just have to get on with it or else walk away as you say.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[edit on 15-10-2006 by pmexplorer]

[edit on 15-10-2006 by pmexplorer]

You have to stop chasing her. Don't let her see you sweat, don't wait around for phone calls. I think you have to walk away too, like semper said, and if she really loves you...turn the tables on her, thicken up your skin & make her be the agresser. Mean while.... you have to stop looking so dreary in her presents. If you want to be a wounded pup....do it privately, but not where it'll get back to her. She will take advantage of that, and play on it.

Girls can play games better than anyone else (wicked games) and here you are feeling guilty. You have to stop that. As far as I can tell, you didn't do anything that anybody else wouldn't have done if they suspected cheating. It's possible...she may in fact be cheating? Lean on some of your good friends (not mutually her friends) go out and get your mind off it.

[edit on 10/15/2006 by jensouth31]

I'm sorry that you are hurting. If you have honestly expressed your feelings to her and she won't tell you where you stand, then you have to move on. I realize that this will be difficult but try to remember that if it doesn't work out it's because the universe/god is clearing the way for someone to come into your life who will love you and accept your love in a way that you both deserve.

You have to look at what she is doing and not what she is saying. She is talking to another guy on the phone alot and meeting him. Yet, you are the one who is to blame, that's a good one. She is cheating, plain and simple and has moved on from you.

You may have built a relationship on love, she did not.

Sex can happen between anyone, love does not. Love requires more of a committment than having sex with someone. If you and a girl can wait for sex until after marriage you will know she will stand by you.

Thanks everyone for your responses, Ive read them all throroughly
and I appreciate you taking the time.
I blamed myself because I felt I'd over reacted and this led to me doing
something I regretted and she caught me which led to our current
predicament.
Jensouth, I think you are so right, I think she has been playing on
my reactions. But its like a rock and a hard place, act normal and risk the
chance of her thinking Im not sorry for what I did or dispaly my feelings and act like 'a wounded pup' and let her prey on my insecurities.
The thing about this situation is that we are still very close and speak everyday, its so bizarre, its so hard after basically two great years to have to change and adapt
to not being able to even be affectionate with her, i miss that so much.
I love this girl and she told me as I said before that she loves me too but at the moment things are totally on hold. It kills me though not knowing whether my suspicions were right or not because I havent got much to go on except my suspicions which isnt enough. The ironic thing is Im not sure do I actually want to catch her with this guy if it is true because then I'll have to deal with that too!
I guess im pi**ing you guys off now as Im goimg back on myself but I just thought I'd explain how Im thinking.
dbrandt, I hope youre wrong but I fear youre right.
deesell, im not really a believer in fate, but I see your point, maybe its for the best, but I really cant see that right now.

deesell, im not really a believer in fate, but I see your point, maybe its for the best, but I really cant see that right now.

Look, it's not about fate. It's about being in a healthy, loving relationship, which you are obviously not. I'm sorry but you wanting to catch her in-the-act with this other guy is just torturing yourself more. I have been there, as difficult as it is you will meet someone else.

I guess I just dont want to be with anyone else, if youve been there I'm sure you know what it feels like to be comletely in love with someone. I think I just need some time to go by, its like losing having a bereavement in the family, it takes so long to re-adjust, I lost one of my parents quite young and you think you will never recover but you do, not fully, but in time you learn to cope, I think thats what I need to happen most of all. I need to learn to get on with my life.

I know you don't want to be with anyone else, but hun, she doesn't want to be with you anymore. I'm sorry but that seems to be how it is. Good luck and hugs going out to you!

Yep I think you could be right. But until I actually hear her say it to my face I guess I'm still going to have hope that she'll come back in my life. Sad isnt it?
Thanks for your kind words.

I do sympathize with you. My advice, maybe it seems too harsh for you regarding your emotional state? She will play off of that, in fact, she already is! That’s why you’re feeling like “YOU” are on the wrong side of the law …when she’s the one at fault. See how crafty girls are, how they can take something and turn it back on you. She’s a cornered rat… and she will use every tool in her box to get out of this…. I don’t know about her health, but every woman alive has used one reason or another to keep from having sex, and or other things, especially if we are no longer interested in the guy at hand! These include health issues, headaches, PMS, excuses galore, you name it…. Crying is a wonderful tool for a girl to use, to try to get what she wants (unless the man figures that out) crying effects guys both young and old, most men can’t stand to see a woman cry. The list could go on forever. (My son can't stand it when I cry...it breaks his heart, and I can play that boy like a puppet!) Most of the time it works on my husband.... unless he's really pissed at me...then I have to go to Plan B) Anger! fight fire with fire!

Now girls, don’t get after me about giving away secrets, I didn’t tell your man!

I know a few English guys, and for the most part they seem to be a bit more emotional that American men. It must be cultural? Upbringing? Thicken up your skin, it's a sign of weakness to a woman, (depending on the circumstances) An American man would be sooo pissed if his girl were cheating…. he would walk away even if it hurt! He would go get drunk with his friends! Go to the Pub. Meet some new friends, but don’t stay home with your face buried in your pillow. What’s done is done…. And… BTW the only way you will get her to chase you (provided she’s still interested) are, if you go on with your life.

I’m not trying to thumb my nose at your emotions, and I’m not saying that emotion is bad…. Please, don’t get me wrong! There’s a season for everything, including a time when you can’t let someone see you so brittle. If you must fall apart, like I said earlier, do it privately…otherwise it will be an advantage for her to use against you mate. Make her squirm a little. Have some friends text you when you are at work… where you can read it near her…. laugh, and blush, and carry on, act like you are texting someone back, etcetera! Make her wonder whom you’re talking to? Then function mysteriously about it if asked, “Whom were you talking to?” See if you detect any reaction with her. If you should find that it doesn’t faze her, then really you have to move on, and relinquish all hope of repairing this. It takes two to tango, and if only one partner want to dance…then you are on the floor alone. U2 me anytime if you need some support.
Be strong



**Edit.. spelling error

[edit on 10/16/2006 by jensouth31]

Thanks jensouth, i havent got time to respond properly now because of work
but I promise I will later on, thanks for your advice and support.
By the way Im not english!

Yep.

She's cut you off physically/sexually, she's secretive, won't call you or give you any straight answers, flirts with other men right in front of your face.... all very, very bad signs.... and that whole business of playing "wicked games", knowing how much you love her and actually using that against you, trying to keep you alone and pining away for her while she goes off and f#### other men.... Dude that is SICK!

Forget about even staying friends with her - this girl should be treated like an absolute leper. She is a HOMEWRECKER! From now on, give her absolutely ZERO attention - or at least until she gives you some reason to trust her again. Even something simple, like a phone call on the weekend....

Maybe one day it will dawn on her how badly she has actually abused you, and maybe she will finally feel some real remorse and make some kind of real effort to make things right with you - but obviously you can't put your entire life on hold while you wait for that to happen.

Do what the others have said - do your best to forget about her, and go have some fun! Go meet new people, party, get laid, or otherwise find some source of joy and fulfillment for yourself. Learn to be strong and independent again.

And make sure you do it for yourself, for your own health and peace of mind, and not just because it will make you more valuable to your ex....

Originally posted by pmexplorer
By the way Im not english!

ROFL.... okay, bad analogy on my part!
No offense meant, hope non was taken. I'll check back later for an update as to your situation. Keep your chin up

No offence taken jen!
She is actually going into hospital next month to have a procedure
on her private area (excuse the phrasing) so she does actually have a comeback when it comes to my suspicions about her having an affair but I still think she could be trying to be with this guy.
She is tough, she is very clever and we know each other inside out.
Right now she is still testing me by continuing to take calls in private from this guy
then returning and saying nothing.
Its so confusing for me, I ask myself, is she just trying to provoke a reaction from me so she can make me feel even worse? Or is she just being blatant because she knows if i try to challenge her about it she can open fire at me on not trusting her again? etc etc.
The trouble with moving on is I get myself all fired up to go in to work and change my attitude and get tough but then i see her and revert to my old ways, today she said whats up? because she saw I was down, if i said 'well you're still calling that guy in private' she'd say thats none of your business and we've been through this already.So I just said nothing,
The way I see it I'd rather I just saw her kissing this guy or something blatant like that where I can just say, hey, I was right, goodbye or b) she just comes to me and says look, I cant see us being together again so lets bring this to an end now, both would break my heart but at least I'd know, instead Im caught in this no mans land where we're 'best mates' and work with each other everyday and chat outside work at times but we cant be close and the possibility of even kissing her seems a million miles away, thats what kills me most of all. I hate to sound like a broken record, I know Im stubborn to accept the truth but anyone thats been through anything similiar can empathise im sure.
Who invented damn relationships anyway? (Thats a rhetorical !)
Thanks again for your and everyones advice.
I just wish I could fast forward six months right now and see where we are then.
Im either being incredibly naive about whats going on or else just incredibly stupid, maybe both, I should be blaming her and moving on but I think unless I see some undeniable proof the game will continue. Life sucks at times doesnt it.
By the way I hope Im not coming across as a selfish guy, I know theres far more important things going on in the world, if any of you guys need advice on anything feel free to post or U2U me, although whether you'd want advice from me is another matter!


[edit on 16-10-2006 by pmexplorer]

You're not being selfish. Love is the most important thing in this world and the lack of it causes so many problems. Just remember the law of attraction -- like attracts like. If you are continuing to worry and stress you will attract more. What you worry about, you attract.

Don't play games.

Don't be scared of being single. Its just like waiting for a bus. If you miss the first one another will be by in 15 minutes. I know you don't want to hear it but MOVE ON. Don't waste your time in a relationship with a person you don't trust. This person doesn't want you and show should go.......