Broken Promises

As I walked out of her room I felt empty. I looked back at her crying on the bed but no words felt right, no gesture was appropriate to demonstrate the feeling of loss and confusion over what we had just done. My girlfriend and I broke up last night, wasn’t really how I planned to start university to be honest but like they say ‘life’s a bitch, and then you marry…’ well you know what I mean. Looking behind as I headed for the door was my weakness showing through, it was at that point I realised that my biggest mistake in the relationship was giving my heart up so entirely that as soon as that spark between us was gone, there would be nothing left at all. Yet at the same time, the only action I would have given everything I have for, was to turn around and see her open arms… it didn’t happen and I wandered off into the darkness of a lonely London street.
It was a strange walk home. The usual fear of people coming from behind or out of dark recesses didn’t bother me in the slightest; my mind was occupied so intensely by the previous three hours of talking that in a slightly morbid way I was hoping for trouble, something to make me feel human again without the pain. Maybe though, I was closer now to that normal human response than ever before.
4 am, my clock flashed silently as i walked into my dorm room, there had been a planned power reset at midnight and it hadn’t been set up again properly. I was so drained that all I wanted to do was crash, it’s hard to sleep when a big part of your life has suddenly been taken away though. It’s not the fact that our intimate relationship is now gone, that I can maybe learn to deal with, it is the way in which everything we had built up over the past year had just disappeared so suddenly after only a few simple words… ‘it’s not working’ … nobody could understand how it feels unless they go through it. I remember saying to my friend recently when she went through the same thing, ‘oh it’ll be ok, just pick yourself up and we’ll find you a guy in no time’. Only now do I realise how even though I meant well they are the words that are the last thing anyone actually needs, “oh so I’ll just pretend I’m not hurting, this isn’t the worst day of my life so far, its ok because I’ll find a new girl tomorrow and everything will be fine!”. I wish it were that easy.

I know this is only the beginning of my search for closure and that the proverbial ‘road ahead’ is somewhat unclear; but the toughest of all things to accept right now is pretty obvious to me and sadly most of the people I know, I still love her… that hurts.


Shinobi xXx




[EDIT For Spelling]

[edit on 25-9-2006 by ShinobiAurora]