I Just Cheated On My Girlfriend

Originally posted by Faint
me and my gf have talked...she dosnt know i cheated on her...but what she said to me touched my heart in a way i cant explain ...iam gona stay with her...and iam gona help her any way i can..

I see.

May G-d have mercy on your soul, because she will not. I am speaking from hindsight, Faint.

My ex was a very talented young lady. Earned a full arts scholarship to Carnegie-Mellon. Was valedictorian of her class in quite an upscale Fairfield County, Connecticut high school.

At about the age of 23, she changed. She mis-trusted the people she loved (and who loved her) the most. The depression is not a state of mind that can be argued or reasoned with. It's a state of mind that is as persistant as reality. What she believes cannot be argued with. In her mind the tap water will be laced with medication as surely as the sun will rise in the east.

She will not consistently take her meds. She'll believe that taking medication to "correct" her is tantamount to disobeying G-d's will.... that she ought to loved for whom she is as G-d made her. There will be long periods of time when she will not take her meds, and blame you for being in on the conspiracy that wants her to change into some "perfect little docile daughter".

Yes, I loved her. Still do. We were never married (though we'd talked of plans) but I still, to this day, call her "my ex". But, trust me man, you don't want to have to cut her down from the flowerpot hook in a makeshift, bathrobe belt noose. You don't want to have to drive her to the hospital at 4am to have her stomach pumped of 15 dzimpermine tablets.

Even if you believe that you love her, and that she has touched your heart in a way that you can't explain, procede very carefully here. How much craziness are you willing to endure... over a very long time? How certain are you that love can cure anything... including a biochemical imbalance?

Faint, amigo, read carefully. How much do you love her? Not enough not to cheat on her, obviously. Not enough that, only a very short time ago, you wrote that you wanted to break up with her.

So, everything has changed because of one conversation? Did she open up to you in a way that she hadn't before? If so, why? Did you suddenly realize that she is the center of your life, when only last night she was the bane of your peace of mind?

So, everything has changed because of one conversation? Did she open up to you in a way that she hadn't before? If so, why? Did you suddenly realize that she is the center of your life, when only last night she was the bane of your peace of mind?

Ok listen dude.....Even before i cheated i wanted to break up with her, and what she said is honestly no ones busniess here (i dont mean that in "i hate you" way) but yes she did open up in a way she didnt before and she is not the center of my life nor iam i the center of hers but i think from this night onwords we will be much more closer then we ever were before

Its crap like this that made me pretty much avoid any sort of relationship with males for years.

Look, you dont like her? Then leave. Stop lying to her. You cheated on her. You dont want her, you dont care about her. Stop the farce and ump her. it will be the best thing thats ever happened to her. She will hate you, yes. Its healthy for her. She will go through her grieving, she will despise you, and forget you. So breaking up allows her to be rid of the burden of caring about you. She has enough problems with therapy.

As for you, why stay with her if you dont like her? This is why I think men are pretty much closer to an animal state than women. Men will pretty much shag just about anything with little provocation, emotion, or concern about the consequences for the other person. You obviiously have no business in a relationship. You should stick to casual sex or "bed buddies", and be honest about your intentions. I am not against casual meaningless sex provided the people involved are honest, and its obvious a relationship is the last thing you want ot need.

So be nice, dump her, and stick with one night stands.

If you didnt want a berating, you should not have posted it on this board.

Originally posted by Faint

So, everything has changed because of one conversation? Did she open up to you in a way that she hadn't before? If so, why? Did you suddenly realize that she is the center of your life, when only last night she was the bane of your peace of mind?

Ok listen dude.....Even before i cheated i wanted to break up with her, and what she said is honestly no ones busniess here (i dont mean that in "i hate you" way) but yes she did open up in a way she didnt before and she is not the center of my life nor iam i the center of hers but i think from this night onwords we will be much more closer then we ever were before

Wow. She is not the center of your life, yet you're willing to let her believe that she is? Dude, mon, friend, duuuude, she loves you.

Don't you see that she sees you as her saviour and that you see her as a way that you might be saved? Don't get sucked into that, Faint. You are not her saviour and she is not your path to righteousness.

She is a very sick personality. Don't you dare love her just because she believes that she loves you. If you are so love-starved that she She SHE can touch your heart with her acute neediness then all is lost for you.

Never try to convince yourself that you love someone just because they assure you that they love you. Don't accept that they're right and you're wrong.

Think. This. Through.

I'd say bad you, but then I try not to judge people wrong for things I've done myself.

End of the day mate, you screwed up. Yeah, you probably regret it now and due to her condition you probably feel really bad. However, you can't live your life for someone else. In fact, I've never met anyone with a lasting relationship [over 5 years] where one partner has cheated on the other. The resetment for the action tends to boil over and over.

However, don't keep it from her. Been there, done that. Trust me, it'll get worse. The longer you keep it from her, when she does find out the longer she'll think you've been lying to her. Maybe you might be the exception to the rule? However, you won't be if you keep it from her.

Faint,

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I think you are in way over your head.

If your girlfriend is depressed and going to therapy, right now she is going to depend on the people in her life to be her constants-i.e. her counselor,parents, close friends, other family members, etc.-the people who will stick with her through the worst of her times.

Obviously, as her boyfriend, she is going to count on you to be there for her no matter what, which is a mistake a lot of young women make- and I say mistake because there is never any garantee the boyfriend will be there the next day.

Right now the most important thing she needs is stability in her life while she goes through this. And I'm not trying to pick on you, but you did say just a few days ago you wanted to break up with her. Can you promise her that you won't?

Are you prepared to be in a relationship with someone who is working through major depression? Are you going to be there to answer the phone when she calls you at midnight, crying, when you have to get up early to go to school/work the next day? What if she breaks down in front of your friends- are you going to get embarassed and leave, or are you going to talk it out with her? Do you know what to do if you are alone with her and she wants to hurt herself? Are you willing to get together with her parents and/or counselor to discuss what to do in these situations?

Originally posted by Faint
Alright , Last night i cheated on my gf

You have just cheated on her again.

Firstly you know you should`nt have cheated on her with another girl.

Secondly you tell the world about it instead of telling her.

Try some honesty with her and then you will know if she loves you or not,until then she does`nt know you truly.

Have you ever considered that you may be a contributing factor to her depression?

I hav`nt read the whole thread but if she stays with you and you with her,honesty matters in a relationship from both sides,insecurities can lead to depression,a man can be insecure and be made to feel insecure if the women gives him reason to be,so make each other secure in the knowledge of love and honesty.

My girlfriend was crazy about Elvis. One day I asked her if she would have sex with Elvis if he asked her to. She said, "Yes of course I would!!!", and a misty look came over her eyes. That hurt



[edit on 24-9-2006 by probedbygrays]

Originally posted by probedbygrays


My girlfriend was crazy about Elvis. One day I asked her if she would have sex with Elvis if he asked her to. She said, "Yes of course I would!!!", and a misty look came over her eyes. That hurt

That would hurt.

Worse still say you asked the same question because she was attracted to your friend and not someone who she idolizes and will never have the opportunity to be with,and her response was "No of coarse not"but you knew she thought otherwise and you found out later on by someone else she had been sleeping with him?

I would much rather truth even though it may hurt, than lies.Its easier to forgive unfaithfulness than live with a continuous liar.Been there lived with that.

Firstly, i hope she doesnt have ATS

and secondly, we have all "kinda" been there. it happens.

I think you should tell her you cheated on her and the manner in which you did. Especially, if it was of a sexual nature. She should know of other partners in your life given the fact of all the diseases out there. Honesty should come first in a relationship. Without honesty to build the foundation on there is no foundation it can crumble very easy.

Originally posted by Faint

Man i dont care if i get warned for this....(vulgarity removed), i came her for adice not to be called names and made feel worse than i already do !,and no i didnt have god damn sex with anyone for chirst SAKE!!!!

[edit on 23-9-2006 by Faint]

Please read my post. I never called you a name, and I gave you advice as per the information you gave us in the thread. This might be hard to fathom at your young age, but in the world of adults, when someone says they 'cheated' on their significant other, odds are good that they are saying they had sex with someone outside of their relationship.

I am not sure what you are after here..

You asked for advice.. people are giving it to you. Do you expect that advice to come without some sort of reprimand for your heartless behavior? Check your rage and examine it. are you angry with us, or are you angry at yourself for getting into this situation in the first place?

You have stated your girlfriend is getting therapy. Are you also seeking help? Well, I mean professional help and not from members of a message board. It might be something to think about.

MOD EDIT: removed vulgarity from quote

[edit on 9/24/06/24 by junglejake]

This may seem cold but I'm having trouble sympathizing with the depressed GF of this thread.... I guess because of the countless times that a woman that I cared for BLATANTLY flirted with other men right in front of my face or tried to make me jealous of another man.... and the countless times that I've been on the other side and a woman with a bf or husband attempted to seduce me in spite of him....

Women are just as bad as men for mischief and cheating and promiscuity, IMHO. They are EXPERTS at showing off, getting attention and creating sexual tension and drama - whereas your average "Mr Nice Guy" has little to no clue about such things....

I'm NOT saying that this girl deserved what she got, as I don't know enough of the details... but what I do know is that a sexual relationship takes constant effort and vigilance and you have to keep your partner happy ALL the time - or they WILL cheat, man or woman.... so if this girl is sick to the point where she is unable to keep up her end of the relationship - maybe breaking it off is the best thing to do? By all means continue to be supportive and be a good friend to her and do whatever you can to help her with her illness - but make it clear that the sexual aspect is over, at least for now....

And yes it IS okay to be tough on a depressed person, and in fact sometimes that's the only thing that works, because otherwise they just turn everything into a big pity-party and drag everyone else down with them...

I agree with you here. I have seen the same thing myself.

Also about depressed people. I have told some of them off too. Snap out of it!! Dong burden me with your depression. Deal with it.

Orangetom

Originally posted by Faint
what she said is honestly no ones busniess here

Hey ... Faint ...

This is the INTERNET. This is a discussion board. If you want something not to be anyone elses business then you shouldn't have posted it where the ENTIRE PLANET can see it and respond to it.

Not our business? Then don't start a discussion about your roving sex life.

How old are you anyways? Teens, twenties, thirties? I'm not seeing a lot of maturity here. Considering the comments that the mods have had to clean up from you ....:shk:

First you say that you cheated and that you want to break up. Then the woman says something that SUDDENLY changes your mind and you are determined to stick with her? How long will that last anyways? Until you get board again?

Grow up and make a commitment or tell her the truth and get out. Either way, she deserves to know about her exposure to STDs through you and a mature adult would tell her. But then again , a mature adult wouldn't be sitting on the internet telling the entire world that he cheated and then getting upset when people make negative comments about his activities




[edit on 9/25/2006 by FlyersFan]

I've been here before myself, and actually in a fairly similar situation that's probably a bit worse than just her dealing with depression. I cheated on a girl a couple of months after she lost her father, and while she was going through surgery and physical therapy for a knee problem. How screwed up is that?

I admit that it was wrong, but I do have my reasons it happened, that took a lot of self analysis to figure out--it wasn't just me wanting to get a little action on the side. We were both having a pretty hard time dealing with her father's death, among other problems; it basically boiled down to the two of us changing and life getting screwy, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

Did I deal with it the best way? Hell no, I know that now. Luckily, I worked up the nerve to admit to her what I'd done (definitely one of the most difficult things I've done in my life) and we worked things out. It was shaky for a while, and we both seriously considered moving to other relationships, but we didn't.

I think you have three choices here. The first is you can try to forget it ever happened and go on about your merry way with her, never letting her know any better. Don't bother with it. If you care for her at all, then it'll eat you up every time you so much as think about her. If you don't care for her at all, then you'll just end up doing it again. Maybe she'd find out that time, or maybe you'd just end up right back here asking for help again.

The second choice is to tell her and try and work around it. Will she keep you around? Probably not; I got damned lucky. But if she does, then maybe you guys can start working towards having a great relationship. Keep the lines of communication open, as the cliche goes, and use this as a starting point for a more adult, mature relationship. Be honest with her, as brutal as it may be on both you and her. Let that kooky Fate take it from there.

The third choice is to not tell her, and break up with her. If you aren't going to tell her, IMO you'd be best off cutting it clean (as clean as a break up can be, at least) and moving on so you both can enjoy your own lives. As heartless as it may sound, she needs to deal with her depression on her own--unless you're really going to be there for her, and if you're out catting around town, you can't. If you even just have it in the back of your mind, something you're holding back from her, you can't help her that much. Maybe you guys can work it out to just be friends; I don't know anything about your relationship, so I couldn't say one way or another, but I know "just friends" rarely works. I wouldn't even bother with it though, just move on with your life and let her move on with hers.

If you have a heart at all, most likely it'll seem like the worst thing you've ever done to anyone in your life (unless she's thinking the same thing and waiting for you to make the first move), but it'd be much better than trying to fake your way along for a couple of weeks/months/years until either of you just can't take it anymore.

There really isn't an easy way out of this. You need to get some huevos and talk to her, one way or the other--open and honest, or kill it now. It won't be fun by any stretch, but it'll be much better in the long run. And it'll make you think long and hard next time you're in a similar situation--is that one night stand really worth the problems you'll face the next morning?

Dont ask yourself what will happen if you leave here, but if you dont leave her what else might happen.

Here is a nonjudgmental point of fact for you.

Everyone gets 10 full for the things they do. Be it good or bad.

Be honest with yourself and remember that fact. In the end, be it good or bad, the blame is on you.

Originally posted by Faint
Alright , Last night i cheated on my gf ....Yes i know shame on me etc....

dont feel so bad, when you were busy cheating on her, she was with me cheating on you .

dont feel so bad, when you were busy cheating on her, she was with me cheating on you .

Hey!!! *rim shot*. But otherwise a pointless post, almost as pointless as this one, but eh.