Collaborative Fiction: The Little Poor Lady Who Lived In A Man's Shoe

The jostling and moving of the bag continued for quite some time until billy heard a door open and felt herself fly through the air only to stop suddenly. All of a sudden Billy began moving, and when she looked up out of her shoe she was very afraid. Trees and houses and the sky were moving past the window faster than billy could have ever imagined! She had never been in a car before, and going so fast for no apparent reason frightened her indeed. All of a sudden she saw a face right above her. It had crooked, yellow teeth and a stocking cap that framed the hairy, lumpy face. As the face smiled she could see bits of tobacco between the gums and teeth and was very afraid. All of a sudden the face spoke "whats this rubbish then? A shoe!? Whot the 'ell am I gonna do wit a shoe?" All of a sudden Billy saw bright flashing lights above her and the face said one thing,
"POLICE!"

"Rats and mice" said the Officer, in disdain, talking to his partner.

"I got into the force to make a difference to humanity, to be a good cop, to help people, to break major drug rings and racketeers, and all we get is these rats and mice. I mean, look at this dimwit... he leaves a trail of steroids right from the scene of the crime all the way to his front doorstep."

"Read him his rights."

Billy saw the man with the really bad teeth being handcuffed and escorted away. Now, she felt herself being picked up inside the shoe, along with a few other things that must have been Rob's, and placed into some sort of bag. (Editor's note: an evidence bag).

But now, in amongst all the junk, she could feel another presence... a shuffling around, a little squeak... first she saw a beady little red eye, then a whisker, and then... Eek! A mouse!

The mouse was friendly and reassuring. He meant no harm. It was the mouse she dreamed of supping with before, back at the house.

Then, strangely, Billy discovered her telepathic bond with Out.

Out was sad and grieving, because his companion In had swallowed some pellet of new food that Rob had brought into the house. In died in some pain, Out could do nothing to save him.

Out guessed that Fugly must have taken an interest in Billy at the front end of the house, and Billy giggled a little when Out thanked her for providing the service of Fugly distraction all these weeks since In and Out took up tenancy in the back store room.

The police car pulled into the station and police, mugger, bag, shoe, stuff, Billy and Out went in. The nasty mugger was locked up. The evidence bag was placed on the front desk and opened.

Rob was there, with a bandage on his forehead, and he was asked to identify his possessions. Then, both he and the police clerk noticed something odd poking out of the shoe... the feet of an impossibly small human, lying next to the tail and feet of a small mouse, chewing the fat, having a good old chinwag, in some squeaking language neither Rob nor his new female acquaintance could fathom...

Rob and the police clerk both looked up at each other for a long moment. Then the whites of the police clerk's eyes rolled up and she passed out on the ground. Rob felt a little light headed himself, but he knew he had to act on his discovery. SO he did the thing most natural to any packrat, he tucked the bag under his shirt and ran off, out of the police station.

Billy had passed out too. She had seen Rob and the police clerk looking at her, and didn't know how to handle it.

Out had not fainted, and knew exactly what would happen to Billy if she was found out by Rob. So out did what he knew best. He began to chew, and chew and chew through the well-worn leather of the shoe...

By the time Out was nearing the outter perimeter of the shoe he felt stuffed he hadnt eaten this much since his birthday he felt a churning in his stomach and rush over to grab the nearest bucket ,he felt a surge 3then his eyes started watering but nothing came out from within
he started to panic thinking there was aliving thing inside his gut , the pain soon subsided and he was soon gnawing his way to freedom he was so ecstatic about the thought of seeing the outside world but boy was he in for a surprise......

A knew place to call home

Out's teeth were starting to hurt, but he was so close to getting himself and Billy out of that shoe shaped prison that he couldn't stop. The leather began to tear and a crack of light beamed through the hole, illuminating the shoe for the first time in years.

" Quickly, lets get outta here Billy," Out squeaked.

Billy jumped to her her feat and they bot squeezed through the small hole that had been made and fell out onto a hard surface. BANG! Suddenly all joy that the pair had was gone: they were surrounded by a glass prison!

"Got ya!" Rob had been waiting for them, he had caught them under a glass jar!

Rob pondered his catch.

He knew, in a Land Of The Giants kind of way, that being in possession of a little person and a talking mouse was by far the most important thing that had happened to him in his life.

But his morality was derived from watching a lot of Warner Bros Looney Tunes as well as b-grade Irwin Allen sci-fi, so he couldn't help but think of the cartoon with the guy who found the singing frog, and who developed grand schemes to take the frog on the road to packed theatre houses, but he remembered the frog wouldn't sing - except for its hapless owner.

Rob adjusted the bandage on his head, and poored himself a stiff drink while he contemplated what ought to be done.

He saw Billy and Out looking at him pleadingly from under the jar. They continued to chatter to each other.

He heard Fugly come in, and take a renewed interest in the contents of the jar, with a lick of the lips and a scowl and a mrowl that meant "Hmmm. Breakfast" in catspeak.

Then the doorbell rang. Rob threw a sweater over the top of the jar on the table, then answered the door. It was the policewoman from the Police Station, who had looked him up, and wanted to make sure he was doing the right thing by the tiny woman and the mouse in the shoe. Rob liked the twinkle in her eye, her suggestive giggle, the practical suggestions she made, and for a while he had thoughts about Candice... for a short time he even forgot about Out and Billy.

And then it was decided.

Candice and Rob, realizing that they had an incredible discovery on their hands did the thing no one else would have expected them to do. They did not bring billy and out in to experts, to be poked and prodded, nor did they attempt to sell them for fame and profit.

They decided to take billy and out into the forest, figuring that there they could be free, and no one would find them. They were good people, and there ill-conceived plan had good intention, and the road to hell id lined with good intentions...

Candice and Rob got into Candice's car. Rob put the basket in which he had placed Billy and Out, on the floor in front of him, and straddled it with his legs.

After the ordeal of the mugging, the incredible discovery of a chattering six inch woman in an unnatural relationship with a mouse, and the anguish that went into what they had decided (as well as Rob developing a kind of fatal attraction for Candice, who somehow Rob had decided over a few hours was the woman of his dreams... tall and leggy, pretty, intelligent, compassionate, with a voice ranging from angelic to husky and a wicked giggle) Rob and Candice realised they were hungry.

They decided to pop into Georgio's Pizza. Both of them were amused at how they were connoisseurs of every fast food outlet in the area, and they both rated Georgio's the best pizza outlet in the business.

Candice was the first to have misgivings about dumping Billy and Out in the forest. Could a six inch tall woman, with no developed hunting or fishing skills, and no visible means of defense or support, look after a heartbroken mouse? Or vice versa?

They pulled up outside Georgio's. The doors on Candice's car made a satisfying police-like clunk as they closed. They ambled in, Rob adjusting his bandage so that he could see the menu properly, and Candice tucking Billy and Out in under the tea towel that was in the basket as a makeshift blanket.

When they were ready to order, Out suddenly popped out from under the tea towel, stood tall in the basket, squeaked, caught the attention of the pizza chef, and pointed to Number 9 on the pizza menu....

His second squeak, directed to Rob and Candice, meant "I love pizza", which they somehow implicitly understood. Billy giggled.

In and Out

Out jumped Billy, amused by the whole scenario.

*SMASH*

The worker at the pizza place dropped the tray he was carrying and stared, his jaw hanging open,

"Wha.....Whatta the hell is that?"

"Rob, I think we should be leaving," Candice said as she tugged at Rob's arm."

"Yeh that sounds like a pretty good idea right now."

Rob stepped forward and went to grab Billy and Out, but just as he did the pizza guy went nuts!

"Kill the little demon, arrrrhhhhgg," He screamed wildly as started slamming the large bread knife he had grabbed onto the table.

"Die youa unearthly creature of hellah," The pizza worker screamed in a sort of broken Italian accent and he ran around the kitchen chasing after poor little Billy.

"STOP IT," Candice screamed, " please don't hurt them."

"I gotta do something," Rob said as he jumped over the counter into the kitchen.

Rob ran back into the kitchen and grabbed the only weapon he could find: a two foot italian sausage. Brandishing the sausage wildly over his head he ran back to the table where the pizza man had billy pinned down. As the pizza man raised his knife to put a final end to billy's short, unhappy life, rob smacked the pizza man in the back of the head in some kind of bizarre phallic symbology. But Rob underestimated the strength of his attack.

The sausage hit the pizza man who dropped his knife which caught on the tablecloth that flung the red peppers which flew into the face of of a waiter carrying knives who dropped a knife onto robs table. The pizza man, carried by the momentum of rob's assault fell on the knife and died.

Rob now possessed a talking mouse, a miniature human, and was a murderer by virtue of a spicy sausage.
He had no idea what to do.

Candice took control of the situation and explained Rob's position to him, off the record.

1. Rob had acted in defense of another human being. There is no law that would suggest that Billy is not a human being. In fact, a famous actor who was only 28 inches tall had been eaten by a dog on set in India.

2. Rob did not strike the pizzeria owner with the * phallic sausage * with the intent to kill or cause grievous bodily injury.

3. There were three eyewitnesses to the event: Candice herself, Billy and Out. Out would not be able to say much in Court, but would certainly be able to squeak and point at pictures, pizza menus, weapons, sausages and people under cross-examination.

Having said all that, Rob was still very remorseful over what he had done, and in shock that the saving of Billy had led to the demise of the best pizza chef in town.

"I love pizza" squeaked Out, as he hopped off the counter and grabbed a couple of pepperoni pieces off the floor and ate them. Out seemed to go over to the pizza chef and deliver a swift kick to his backside, but the corpse did not flinch at all.

Candice picked up the phone, and dialled back to her station. It was Mick that answered.



* Freudian analysis, to a point. For witnesses to the scene and people reporting on the drama to have seen symbology in the sausage (see previous page) would suggest, in fact, that there were some deep-seated issues going on for Rob in that he knew he could not look after himself all that well, needing to rely on purveyors of fast food for his sustenance. If there was any such symbology to be witnessed, it would have been caught by the pizza-cam behind the counter, which preserved the look in Rob's eyes at the point he struck the chef with the sausage. Somebody who sees the security video from the pizza store will have a direct take on that. It will show whether there was some suppressed envy at the pizza chef's culinary skills. I haven't seen the vid. *


[Edited on 7-11-2003 by MaskedAvatar]

Trembling with adrenaline and a tad of fear Rob was scared stiff! he mumbled to himself " cool i killed someone" then reality kicked in "I KILLED SOMEONE NOOOOOOOO "that wasnt cool what would he do? he had a cunning plan he he dragged the body and hid it the cupboard of the shoe! where no one would find it, so he thought.

Candice started shouting into the phone,
"theres a madman with gasoline and grenades helppp!!"

And then she cut off the line. She then siphoned gas off from the generator out back, and poured it throughout the pizzaria. Gathering, Billy, Out, and the still quivering Rob she put them in the car.

She then took a couple of bags of flour, exploded them so the dust hung in the air of the store, and ran outside. She took her police issued stinger missile launcher and shot it into the window, blowing the hell out of everything inside and beyond the pizzaria, which was very bad news for the two "adult" stores that flanked the pizzaria. Needless to say kids throughout the city got their first glimpse of puberty.

She put the keys into the ignition and drove to the only place she could think of.

The docks


[Edited on 9-11-2003 by Dreamstone]

Mick knew the sound of Candice's voice, but he wasn't familiar with the grenade code she was using as it wasn't in his handbook.

Still, he knew there was trouble, and as Candice had bailed him out a couple of times, he listened to the distress call from Candice again, excused himself from desk duty, grabbed his car and set out for Rob's place where Candice said she was going to pop in and see the recent muggee, to see if he could make sense of the situation.

Half way there, he could see the blaze from a block away. Georgio's was one big plume of flames. There were men in overcoats clutching brown paper bags on the other side of the road watching the impromptu fireworks display. He radioed base, who had already got 12 calls from concerned pizza eaters and a few neighbors, then got out of the car.

Meanwhile, Rob was disgusted with himself for having escalated the situation so badly. Candice on the other hand seemed to be taking this all in her stride. Rob was impressed and quizzical about her knowledge of explosives.

Billy and Out just wanted to get away from these maniacs. In fact, they wanted to get away from all human beings, including those that would ever write about their bizarre adventures with them!

On the final stretch down Pier 23, Rob couldn't help himself and proposed marriage to the tall, leggy, husky-voiced, intelligent, compassionate, explosives expert-policewoman Candice.

Rob and CAndice had arrived, they stepped out of the car in perfect a syncronised mostion,"Candice, will you marry me?"Rob spoke in a compasionate voice as he got down on one knee. Candice stood, shocked, then excitedly replied,
"Rob..I..I don't know what to say.....YES!" Rob got up off his knees and Candice jumped into his arms. They embraced and started French kissing.

"Wait, wait,"

Rob said as he broke off the kiss,

"I have to give you this."

Rob took Candice's hand and gently slipped on a golden ring,

"I got it off the Pizza guys corpse, just for you my love."

Candice paused for a moment and then smiled,

"Oh Rob thats the most romantic thing anyones ever done for me."

The new couple embraced...

Meanwhile, Billy and Out were having some romance of their own. Just as traumatic circumstances had brought Candice and Rob together, so had the fragile love between a mouse and a boot dwelling women grew.

Mirroring Rob and Candice's passionate display of awkward, social-misfit love, Billy and out started to engage in "necking", and rounding the bases.

"Billy", out said, "Billy, your love has shown me who I really am, a prince! The prince of France! Oh Billy!"

And then things got freaky...

[Edited on 9-11-2003 by Dreamstone]

Just as things started to get a little more kinky, Billy and Out heard someone yell, "Cut, that is enough for today". Billy and Out were confused. Rob explained to them that he was a sell out. When Rob found out about Billy and Out he knew they would be a way to make money. Rob at first did not want to use Billy and Out for his own personal welfare but his greed over came him. Rob called Mr. Hard Johnson the famous movie producer with his idea for a new movie. Rob told Hard about Billy and small person and Out the extremly smart mouse. Hard loved the idea of a movie about Billy and Out.

Rob told Billy and Out that the mugging, the incadent at the pizza place, and his love for candice was all made for the movie. Billy and Out were somewhat glad it was was just for a movie, but they were extremly angry for being used. Billy and Out did not want to be a part of the movie any more but they had no choice. Mr. Hard Johnson told them all to come back tomorrow so they could film a couple more love secens and the ending to the movie. After the movie was done being filmed Rob took Billy and Out back to his new million dollar home. He put Out in a mouse cage. Rob took Billy to his room. He told Billy he had a gift for her. She asked what is was, and Rob told her it was a new shoe. He stuck Billy in her new extra big shoe, and put the shoe in the closet.

Rob took a shower and changed into some nice clothes. He then took his new convertible for a drive looking for a bar to go to where he could pick up women for a one night stand. Rob had always dreamed of being able to get women easily but he did not have the charm for it. Rob knew since he had lots of money now he would have no trouble finding some hot girl he could bang. He didnt care if the women was after his money because he was not looking for a long term realtionship.

Rob saw a sexy blonde at the bar he went to. He asked her if he could buy her a drink. She sais sure and they started talking. Rob tried to look her in the eye but he could not stop looking at her fake boobs. The blonde was more idiotic than Out was but Rob did not care. Rob took the girl back to his place and had a wonderful night with her. That morning Rob drove her back to her place and didnt even get her name or number. Rob went back home to watch all the sunday football games.

Meanwhile billy was planning. She was planning...revenge! Inside the show billy had scrawled a to-do list that went as so:
1.Free out and make sweet, sweet, punkin pie

2.Kill Rob by releasing a flesh-eating worm into his small intestine.

3.Kill Candice with a spicy meataballah

4.Kill The producer with a spatula

5.Live happily ever after with out

Billy took one last look at the list, and got ready for action

Billy then rememberd when she was little that she was taught revenge is never a good thing to do. Billy is angry and Rob but realizes revenge is not the way to deal with her anger. As she is coming to this conclusion she hears Out make a loud squeak.

Rob goes to check on Out and sees him dead in his cage. Fugly has half of Out's body while the other half is in the cage. Rob cuts the other half of Out's body and gives it to Fugly as lunch. Out of kindness Rob goes into the closet to tell Billy that Fugly killed Out. Billy pokes her self thinking this could be a dream, but she does not wake up. She then thinks it is another movie but there are no cameras.

Billy begins to cry. Out was the only friend she had ever had and is really upset. She cries and cries and cries and cries and cries and cires and cries. Two, three, four hours have gone by and she is still crying. She cries so much that she gets dehydtrated.

Billy passes out.

A few hours later Billy is aroused a by a sweet but sickly smell Billy looks at the surroundings somehow Billy has arrived on the planet Mars but how can this be? Theres no oxygen on Mars suddenly Fugley appears but Fugley's body has changed somewhat, her facial features remain the same but Fugley doesnt know what gender male or female Billy also doent know what gender they both start to cry........