OK just start going out with a girl, need advice

I met this girl from one of my freinds on the internet. We both live in the same small town and went to high school together but she is 3 years younger then me.

Anyways she told me she just had broken up with her BF a month ago.

On her internet profile there was a guy who called her his GF. I asked her about it and she told me she didnt want anything to do with him and that she barely knew him. Anyways I wondered why his internet profile said he loved her and called her his girlfreind, and that they were in a long term relationship. She finally told me she slept with him but she regretted it and that he was getting too attached and that she told him beforehand that she only "liked him" and didnt want to be his GF and that she doesnt like him anymore.

She asked me yesterday to be her BF. I said yes because I do like her, but I have some nagging thoughts in the back of my mind.


There are just alot of things im worried about.

Our very first date before we started going out she went to visit that guy. She lied to me at the time and told me it was one of her girlfreinds she hadnt seen in awhile. (She is a senior in college btw so it was beleivable). The guy lives like an hour away. No big deal I had just met the girl that day anyway and it our first date/first time ever meeting.

Next worrysome thing is that she told me that sex was supposed to be between a boyfreind and girlfreind. Sounds moral, but she slept with that guy when she just "liked him" and didnt want to be his GF. I didnt want to call her a hypocrite but I have just met the girl so I'm trying to figure her out.

We might be boyfreind and girlfreind now, and I really like her, but I am having doubts that she might just be using me and possibly having a long distance relationship still with somebody she likes.

We slept together last night, our second day of being BF and GF, and only after a week of going out on dates.


After the second or third date we started kissing and flirting. She has no problem being affectionate but only if I make the moves. She has never not once kissed me, she only kisses me back when I kiss her. She doesnt try to get close to me, she only does it when I try it. She only tells me she likes me if I ask her or I tell her that I do.

I am the type of guy who is loyal to girlfreinds and I will devote all my time and energy to her, but not with a girl that won't do the same. Im not married to her and I try not to be "clingy" or "protective" but for some reason I always have trust issues with girls.

I'm not sure I should trust this girl to not sleep with everybody, to tell me the truth. IM also not sure if its worth it to even try getting to know her better since I could start liking her alot more and i'm not sure she would stick around.

Should I use her for sex and train myself mentally to not become attached? Or should I give her the benefit of the doubt that she does like me and isnt talking or has the intention of talking to other guys.

Advice? Thoughts?

Originally posted by ImplementOfWar
Should I use her for sex and train myself mentally to not become attached?

Only if it is a mutual arrangement and you can have that type of relationship.

It sounds to me like she might not be in a place where she is willing to have a serious commitment. From my experience, women are very forthcoming about if that is what they are interested in (even if it is on a subconscious level to them). You just need to accept the signs that they give off. I would, of course, suggest a female's opinon on the matter and hopefully one will respond to you here.

I wouldn’t be/act jealous about her and other guys but it is a good idea to tell her that you don’t like her seeing that one guy. If she doesn’t respect that then maybe she should go be his BF instead. Just my opinion.

Our very first date before we started going out she went to visit that guy. She lied to me at the time and told me it was one of her girlfreinds she hadnt seen in awhile

Seems pretty clear that you shouldn't be dating her if she is lying to you like that and about that.

We slept together last night, our second day of being BF and GF, and only after a week of going out on dates.

Seems to make you a hypocrit no? You won't even say that you are definitly dating her, you say 'maybe we are bf/gf', and then criticize her sexual history, hypocritical no?

If you don't trust her, and she's lied to you, then why are you dating her and sleeping with her? Seems it must be for selfish reasons no?

but for some reason I always have trust issues with girls.

Apparently its because you waste your time with people that you don't trust.

I'm not sure I should trust this girl to not sleep with everybody, to tell me the truth.

So now she's some kind of slut/whore, when you are the one that slept with her?

Give me a break man.

You're non-comital about whether you are even dating her, yet you've slept with her, and you didn't trust her from the begining. Why'd you sleep with her if you don't trust her, and why complain now, after you've used her? To disassociate yourself from your own actions, to say that you didn't do anything wrong because 'she's a slut'??

Should I use her for sex and train myself mentally to not become attached?

Ummmm, I'm going to go with 'no' on that one.

Originally posted by ImplementOfWar
She finally told me she slept with him but she regretted it and that he was getting too attached and that she told him beforehand that she only "liked him" and didnt want to be his GF and that she doesnt like him anymore.

She went from barely knowing him to sleeping with him but regretting it. That should be your first clue that she may not be trustworthy.

Our very first date before we started going out she went to visit that guy. She lied to me at the time and told me it was one of her girlfreinds she hadnt seen in awhile.

There's your second clue.

Next worrysome thing is that she told me that sex was supposed to be between a boyfreind and girlfreind. Sounds moral, but she slept with that guy when she just "liked him" and didnt want to be his GF.

It sounds moral, but keep in mind that she has also told you she slept with the other guy, regrets it, and didn't really like him to begin with. Is she a hypocrit? Yes.

We might be boyfreind and girlfreind now, and I really like her, but I am having doubts that she might just be using me and possibly having a long distance relationship still with somebody she likes.

Might be? I'd say there's a good chance. If she has lied to you about going to see this same guy in the past, there's a good chance that she will again.

We slept together last night, our second day of being BF and GF, and only after a week of going out on dates.

She has no problem being affectionate but only if I make the moves .... she only kisses me back when I kiss her. She doesnt try to get close to me, she only does it when I try it. She only tells me she likes me if I ask her or I tell her that I do.

Sleeping with someone you barely know is never a good idea. If she is not acting affectionately towards you unless you do so first there is one of two things going on.
1. She really does like you and is trying to make sure she doesn't run you off by being too emotional/clingy.
or
2. She isn't as into you as you are into her and doesn't want you to think she's rude if she doesn't respond to your advances.

I've been on both sides of that equation, and from a girl's perspective I can tell you it's not fun. Regardless of which of the two options above is what is actually going through her head, she probably doesn't want to upset you. My advice is to ask her, flat out, if she's sure she wants to be in a committed BF/GF relationship. Just try not to seem accusatory and be kinda nonchalant about it so she doesn't feel like she has to answer the way she thinks you want her to.

I try not to be "clingy" or "protective" but for some reason I always have trust issues with girls.

If you always have trust issues with girls then you're dating the wrong kind of girls. There actually are women out there who won't make you feel like you can't trust them. You just have to look for them. I promise we exist!

Should I use her for sex and train myself mentally to not become attached?

I would try to pretend you didn't say that... But I can't.... There is never never never a good reason to just "use" someone. If you decide to just use her, and she figures it out you are setting yourself up for a massive fight. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure she'll tell every girl she can find that all you do is use girls for sex and you want nothing more from it than that. Then you'll have a whole new set of problems. If it's a mutual agreement to be "friends with benefits" that's different, but to just use someone without them agreeing to it is wrong.

There. Now you have a girls perspective on the situation.

No I can definatly say we ARE boyfreind and girlfreind. She asked me to be her boyfreind. The day before we slept together.


I met her on a blind date through a freind. She went to see that guy the next day. Then as far as I know hasnt seen him since since she has gone out with me everyday afterwords.


I just really like her and when I say "use her for sex" I mean to just try and keep it sexual and to not fall for her. I already AM falling for her. Else there is no point being her freind if I like her, that would give me more stress. COnsidering I have only known her for two weeks, Id rather get out now if I can figure out she is not going to stick around.


Yes she will not show me affection until I show her it. She will make out with me and cuddle all night long but she has never initiated it. The only time she shows me affection is when we goto the clubs, then she dances with me. But she still wont kiss me on her own.

I hate it when you like a girl and you have a feeling of her not loking you as much. She says she "likes me" but it's hard to tell.


I have asked her if she talks to other guys, wether she is committed to relationships, what it means to her, etc. etc and she always seems to give me the answer I want to hear, although sometimes I sense it is not always the answer she really thinks.


I just dont want to start liker her anymore then what I do now until I feel complete in the trust department and I start to get a sense she actually likes me more.



And I just made this post for the points, although maybe I can get some good advice who knows.

[edit on 21-7-2006 by ImplementOfWar]

Originally posted by ImplementOfWar
just really like her and when I say "use her for sex" I mean to just try and keep it sexual and to not fall for her.

That still doesn't make it right unless she agrees to it.

Yes she will not show me affection until I show her it. She will make out with me and cuddle all night long but she has never initiated it. The only time she shows me affection is when we goto the clubs, then she dances with me. But she still wont kiss me on her own.

I'd suggest slowing things down a bit.. You've known her two weeks, there's no rush. Trust me on that one. My husband and I took things way too fast when we first got together, and even though we're married now it still caused problems for awhile.

...she always seems to give me the answer I want to hear, although sometimes I sense it is not always the answer she really thinks.

You need to find some way to get honest answers out of her then. If she can't be honest with you, the relationship is headed to nowhere. But again you've only known her for two weeks.

And I just made this post for the points, although maybe I can get some good advice who knows.

Be that as it may, you shouldn't ever actually admit that...

she's a liar. get rid of her quick.

Originally posted by ImplementOfWar
I met this girl from one of my freinds on the internet. We both live in the same small town and went to high school together but she is 3 years younger then me.

Anyways she told me she just had broken up with her BF a month ago.

On her internet profile there was a guy who called her his GF. I asked her about it and she told me she didnt want anything to do with him and that she barely knew him. Anyways I wondered why his internet profile said he loved her and called her his girlfreind, and that they were in a long term relationship. She finally told me she slept with him but she regretted it and that he was getting too attached and that she told him beforehand that she only "liked him" and didnt want to be his GF and that she doesnt like him anymore.

She asked me yesterday to be her BF. I said yes because I do like her, but I have some nagging thoughts in the back of my mind.


There are just alot of things im worried about.

Our very first date before we started going out she went to visit that guy. She lied to me at the time and told me it was one of her girlfreinds she hadnt seen in awhile. (She is a senior in college btw so it was beleivable). The guy lives like an hour away. No big deal I had just met the girl that day anyway and it our first date/first time ever meeting.

Next worrysome thing is that she told me that sex was supposed to be between a boyfreind and girlfreind. Sounds moral, but she slept with that guy when she just "liked him" and didnt want to be his GF. I didnt want to call her a hypocrite but I have just met the girl so I'm trying to figure her out.

We might be boyfreind and girlfreind now, and I really like her, but I am having doubts that she might just be using me and possibly having a long distance relationship still with somebody she likes.

We slept together last night, our second day of being BF and GF, and only after a week of going out on dates.


After the second or third date we started kissing and flirting. She has no problem being affectionate but only if I make the moves. She has never not once kissed me, she only kisses me back when I kiss her. She doesnt try to get close to me, she only does it when I try it. She only tells me she likes me if I ask her or I tell her that I do.

I am the type of guy who is loyal to girlfreinds and I will devote all my time and energy to her, but not with a girl that won't do the same. Im not married to her and I try not to be "clingy" or "protective" but for some reason I always have trust issues with girls.

I'm not sure I should trust this girl to not sleep with everybody, to tell me the truth. IM also not sure if its worth it to even try getting to know her better since I could start liking her alot more and i'm not sure she would stick around.

Should I use her for sex and train myself mentally to not become attached? Or should I give her the benefit of the doubt that she does like me and isnt talking or has the intention of talking to other guys.

Advice? Thoughts?

Not worth it, move on, dont ruin your life I would sugest not to have sex with her, it will be even worse, you will get totaly atached to her.
I'm going thru a divorce now, I know how life can be unfair, if you sence she is not honest to you or know for a fact she is been lieing to you then wave to her like this
Remember there are lot's of woman out there , double the number compared to us, so the sea has plenty of fish.
Good luck in your quest

Originally posted by ImplementOfWar
Should I use her for sex and train myself mentally to not become attached? Or should I give her the benefit of the doubt that she does like me and isnt talking or has the intention of talking to other guys.
Advice? Thoughts?

Seek professional help. Seriously you've got to be kidding with that opening statement I quoted from you. Why is the world so wrapped up in self absorbed, pathetic souls who seek the advice from others that deep down inside they know is right or wrong. This is what makes imbeciles like Dr. phil profit.

brill

Well I have only known her for two weeks.

She told me last night that she doesn't plan on leaving me anytime soon.

I really am not sure if she is talking to other guys still. I have not been able to discern her true self. I am about 50/50 on the idea that she still talks to the guys she was talking to before she met me.

I do like her. I just don't want to get attached until I know her better and that's already turning out to be hard.

We already had sex and to me that is what has given me doubts about why she is with me.


I have spent alot of time with her since I have known her (everyday to be exact) and it's already to a point where it would be hard to not see her anymore if she is indeed just playing me for a short term fling.

On the other hand her family is great and she really does seem like an honest, innocent person on the outside.


I still have my doubts, I guess im going to stick with it and if she ends up breaking off, then I will just be sad for a while. I'll live. I have had relationships in the past where I was young where girls would break up with me and start dating my freinds or worse cheat on me, so trust and that constant feeling of conspiracy I guess has evolved in my mind after all these years.


I wish I could just have a girl that never had any ill intention. I just never know who it could be.

If I know her true intent and it turned out to not be in my best interests (because I am loyal and honest in ALL relationships I have ever been) I would just goto the clubs and bars with freinds like I always do to find another. There are a million women out there who would be willing to give me some of their time, it's just a matter of finding the right one. And sometimes it hurts when it's not the one you want.

Time will tell with this one. Thanks for the replies and sorry my post was not very well written initially.

once again - she's a liar. dump her and get the hell out. she's a worthless human being.

I think she is using you for god knows what type of game. If she says she won't so some things with you but would do them with someone else well something is terribly wrong here...

Dump Her and found someone that really likes you, 'cause she never will. You are an instrument to play with nothing more and nothing you do can change that

Originally posted by ImplementOfWar
I am about 50/50 on the idea that she still talks to the guys she was talking to before she met me.....
We already had sex and to me that is what has given me doubts about why she is with me.

As every one else has said, if you're having that many doubts, then you need to break this off. Doubt is not a good way to start a relationship. If you can't trust her from the start, this relationship is headed no-where and fast.

I have had relationships in the past where I was young where girls would break up with me and start dating my freinds or worse cheat on me, so trust and that constant feeling of conspiracy I guess has evolved in my mind after all these years....
I wish I could just have a girl that never had any ill intention. I just never know who it could be.

It sounds to me like you're going after the wrong kind of girls. Trust me, there are good ones out there. It just takes some time to figure out who they are. If you just jump from one relationship to another without really getting to know the girl before you get serious, you're doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I suggest dumping this girl who is going to do you wrong, and be by yourself for a while. Have female friends, but no girlfriends. Get to know the girls you are interested in before you make any advances on them, and you may find what you are really looking for has been right under your nose.

... I would just go to the clubs and bars with freinds like I always do to find another.

Read what I wrote in the above paragraph as it applies here as well. Don't just jump from one girl to the next. You won't be able to find a girl who will treat you right if this is how you go about finding girlfriends.

Implement, you're clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship. My serious advice is to tell her that she's nice, but you are not going to continue to date her, and then you should not date anyone else until you've grown up.

Implement, you're clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship. My serious advice is to tell her that she's nice, but you are not going to continue to date her, and then you should not date anyone else until you've grown up.