The Watcher

This is a really short story; more of a scene than a full story (and I'm thinking about writing something around it if I can get it focused well enough.) I figured I'd toss it out to the wolves here and see what kind of opinions there might be... Any comments/criticism/questions/laughter will be most appreciated.

The Watcher

He knew at once what was standing in the corner, watching him. It was somewhat shorter than he would've expected, but it looked almost exactly like the images used throughout pop-culture--video games, movies, t-shirts, the icon was far more prolific than the president's face. This was the same face that brought fear into the hearts of some, that left some incredulous, and that gave still others an overwhelming sense of awe.

And it was watching him.

He didn't know how long it had been there--it wasn't there when he turned out the light and went to sleep, that's for sure. He wanted to look at the clock to see how long he'd been asleep, but some primal instinct kept him still. This same instinct fought hard with his desire to wake Rachel, but he stayed motionless, not daring to move. The large, emotionless black eyes in the corner just stared at him.

Unable to do anything else, he stared back. He could make out little in the dim glow of the night coming through the window. It seemed to be unclothed--at least there were no markings or seams that he could see. It stood straight, with its arms at its sides. He tried to count it's fingers--it seemed important for some reason, he couldn't tell why--but could only discern that they were longer than normal proportions would allow. It was thin for its height, which he figured was around four or five feet based on the pictures on the wall behind it. Its head was slightly larger than its frail frame would warrant. He could see no sign of a nose in the poor lighting, and only a hint of a mouth.

All of this he noticed in little more than a glance, as he could not take his eyes away from those in the corner. There was no hint at any emotion, noo sense of either benevolence or malignancy in those inhuman eyes. They did not appear to be studying him, as a scientist might, nor did they seem to be watching him, as if expecting him to attack or run. It was as though someone had painted two golf balls black, and hung them in the corner. He had the impression, however, that two golf balls wouldn't be as emotionless.

Deep in some dream, Rachel stirred next to him. As she moved, he saw the watcher fade quickly, like a television show fading to black before a commercial. Within minutes, he had assured himself that it was only a dream, and before long he was again asleep--although not before unwittingly squeezing close to her and pulling the covers tightly over his head, like a little boy who's seen one too many scary movies for the night.

Now that the writing contest is over, I figured I'd give this a quick bump to see if anyone has any comments/suggestions/whatever. (I hate bumping my own threads--feels pretentious--but I think my timing was bad when I posted this...)

Just read your scene, Watcher. The last paragraph really had me going as I pictured the scene.

In the first few paragraphs, however, I was alternately wondering if grays REALLY looked so classically grayish, eyes and all; and trying to focus on the descriptive words. In other words, the scene wasn't focused enough for me, it seemed the descriptiveness was the most important element of the scene up until the last paragraph. Then I connected with the character and figuratively pulled the blankets over my head also.

I liked the first person element, but just felt it could be tightened up a bit to be more dramatically attractive.

Hope you don't mind the criticism. I hope it will stir you to continue the story.

i found it to have good body and it was easy to picture the scene. if you do decide to write more please do send me a message telling me

I liked it, well worth pursuing the story line further. I agree with curiousity that the classic grey description felt kinda too common, but likewise enjoyed the closing.

I appreciate the responses, and the criticism, both always welcome.

I've been trying to come up with some kind of story to wrap around it (or throw it into, however you want to look at it), and there's only a little flicker of a concept off to the sides that doesn't want to reveal itself just yet. I did use a fair amount of the description for another short story that I may post here sometime soon--I sent it up to see if I might be able to get it (gasp!) published, and having it online anywhere will knock that idea out of the question. If it doesn't get published, I'll put it up here as soon as I get notice; if it does, then I'll post a link if they put it online or put it up after their rights expire (90 days from publication, I think.)

I know I want to stay away from the whole alien-abduction plot; a little too cliche, especially with the uber-stereotypical grey thrown in there already. If I do come up with anything though, it'll go right here (maybe not this thread per se, but on ATS at least.)

Thanks again for the comments