(DOC) Pure Fiction (?)

Hey Zort how did it go with the humans last night?

Excellent Xetch! I buzzed a couple of people’s houses then sat the cruiser down in a field.

All right! That will make 4 landings this week. No doubt you left another incredible vegetation disturbance for them.

Crop circles, they call them crop circles.

Oh yeah right. I’ll bet it was a spectacular crop circle. You always did have a certain flair for geometric expression. Did you bring back any pictures?

No need, the humans will be posting them on ATS any moment, and speaking of ATS, I contacted the one they call wellwhatnow.

Did you put on the "Reptilian" act for her?

No, better than that, I talked to her and told her that Reptilians, Greys, Nordics, and such don’t really exist, that there is only one race of aliens that visit the planet. Then I went to one they call EarthSister and I did my ‘Intergalactic Union of 218 Races’ schtick. I wanted to drop by Lear’s house and mention something new about the “soul collector,” but Earth nights are so short.

Soul collector! Ha! That is so outrageous! How did you ever come up with that one?

I don’t know, it just occurred to me. I never thought it would actually catch on like it did.

You are absolutely wicked! You’ll have those humans arguing amongst themselves for an entire Ziphilian week.

Yes, well it is so easy to do and it is great fun! I just have to make sure I never appear to Houtchens, Thekherham, or Zorgon. Although those three probably wouldn’t be convinced unless they actually shook my hand and had dinner with my folks, it’s best if they don’t even see us. As long as they don’t see us, the humans will REALLY be fighting over the subject of our existence. How about you? What did you do last night?

Well, I don’t have the artistic flair you have, so I just grabbed one right out of his bed and frightened him silly.

You’re not still probing them are you?

No! It isn’t me who has the interest in human rectal function! That was my uncle.

Whatever.

It was my UNCLE! I have never done that!

Mmmm, okay.

Besides, that was for research purposes!

Of course it was. I am just saying that your uncle always was just a little light in his grav-boots if you know what I mean.

RESEARCH! IT WAS AN IMPORTANT PROJECT!

Sure it was.

Oh yeah? Well your mother watches Earth movies!

Okay look, you leave my mother out of this or there is going to be a probe in YOUR future!

Okay, okay, take it easy Zort, just don't talk about my uncle, all right?

All right then, it's a deal. Now what did you do to the human?

Well, I wore the reptilian mask and I sssspoke like thissssss and told him very sssssslowly and clearly that hisssss kind would be eradicated from the planet assssss ssssssoon asssssss we took it over.

Oh Xetch! What you lacked in geometry you certainly made up for in language mastery and acting ability! I’ll bet that human doesn’t sleep soundly for a while! What did you do then?

Well, then his cardio vascular function began to show abnormal variances, so I had to put him back.

Xetch, you take more chances with those humans than I would ever dream! As a matter of fact you haven’t even engaged our signal cloaking device since we returned.

I have the visual shields engaged, no one can see us.

But what if they heard us? You know those SETI people have gotten way too close for comfort lately.

Oh come on! Isn’t SETI just a story our moms made up to get us to be quiet when we were young?

No, I have read about SETI on ATS.

You spend too much time on that human diversion. Besides, even if SETI was able to pick up our communication signals, they wouldn’t know it. If they did realize what they had, there isn’t one of those humans smart enough to translate our language. Even if they did recognize the signal AND manage to translate the language, they would still have to post the transcripts in some kind of fiction forum because no one would ever take it seriously.

Yes, I suppose you are correct. We have nothing to worry about.


*Edited for greater accuracy in translation*

[edit on 7/14/06 by wellwhatnow]

Ah, now I see why some of those posts are extremely hard to understand.

Brilliant!! I can see you had fun with this story. I enjoyed it too. Very glad you participated