Tech support

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
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Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
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Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
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Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
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Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Le me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

I help out a lot of my friends with their computers and even some of the most basic things can turn into trying to explain rocket science to a Neanderthal.

I feel sorry for anyone that has to deal with the public. People like the folks that do tech support, all the folks that do auto repairs, the customer service reps, etc...........

I hope there's a special place in the afterlife that they can all gather and swap stories.:bnghd:

Good stuff there

I provide tech support so I know exactly how it feels.

I had a guy the other day call me and say his computer wasn't working right, couldn't even turn it on he said. I asked well sir could you please turn the system on and we'll try to determine where the problem lies.

Well hot damn he said, thats just it I can't turn it on. The damn water thats in the system keeps me from pressin 'dat button.

Water sir?

Yeah man my house flooded and my computer is full of water, won't seem to turn on.

Sir I deal with virus and spyware, I'll have to send you to our Operating System department in order to resolve that problem, It seems the abundance of water in the system has lowered your Monitor Fluid which will not permit you to powerup the system.

Monitor Fluid?

This is when I felt that bad for him I just told him straight up, Sir your computer is not going to work if its full of water, what do you possibly expect us to do?

He hung up a few seconds later feeling alittle stunned.

Its always a classic joke we play here, try to get a customer to agree that he checked his Monitor Fluid recently and its ok.

Or sometimes we meow at the customer...

"Alright Meow, I want you to double quack on the icon in the tray Sir!"

".....Uhhhhh Ok...?"

Makes the day go by alittle quicker.

I too feel ya man. I deal with it daily....you forgot the rare, but funny,

My coffee cup holder doesnt work anymore..."excuse me sir?" u know the coffee cup holder i got with my computer. u push the button and the little drawer pops out to hold my coffee cup...it dont go in and out no more. "DOH"

:bnghd::bash:

Ah the meow joke from super troopers.

I had one person say that his computer would not boot up, he had it plugged in and he kept hitting the keyboard, so finally I asked him if he turned it on, he said what? I told him that the computer didn't work in the o f f position and that it needed to be in the o n position. He turned it on and was very thankful..

Oh... and don't forget the classic ...

Me: Ma'am, on your desktop ... Yes that's the screen with all the icons, Okay?

Caller: Okay, I'm there.

Me: Now, do you see "My Computer"

... silence ...

Caller: No, I don't see "Your Computer" ... WHY!? Can you see mine!

:bnghd:

Oh, and from a recent In-Home service call:

A repeat customer had purchased a wireless keyboard and mouse last year, unbeknownst to me.

Calls because the cursor won't respond to her mouse movements.

I arrive, can't see anything Obviously ?wrong?. Uninstall/Reinstall the mouse and keyboard, to no avail.

Just for curiousity's sake I ask her when she last replaced the batteries?

? Batteries ? she says



She wrote the check and asked that I Not mention it to her husband.

Jeez as much as I want to laugh at those examples they are so damn true! I've had some doozies in my tech lifetime. I especially love the people that after you've just taken a day to clean out their system of parasites call you up to say that you did a bad job...ask them if they have installed any software and they say no..after throwing the computer up on the bench you see Kazaa on the desktop that you just uninstalled the day before magically reappear. Oh That? My kids said it was Ok to install. (Even tho the day before I had already told them Kazaa was why they became infected in the first place!) ugh ..some people should have no access to computers LOL





Pie

She had called because the computer would not start up after moving it to her new desk.
I stopped by to take a look and plugged in the power supply cord to her tower.
Problem solved.

I've also made a house call where all I had to do was click the switch on the power supply and then start it up. Sad but true. :shk:

The most basic things can totally baffle an otherwise sane person..............


Having had my hands on a lot of computers that are from friends and family, you sure learn a lot about peoples surfing habits. They have no idea what they leave on their machines, and you find out some interesting details about people you thought you knew.

Even old ladies like to look at some beefcake on the porn sites.
Don't ask, don't tell.
That policy will get you a repeat customer the next time a porn site infects the machine.

[edit on 1/5/2006 by anxietydisorder]

Originally posted by chissler
Monitor Fluid?

heehee this reminds me of my friends that worked as auto mechanics. They would tell people they need to pay extra to replace their blinker fluid, or muffler bearings. They said its amazing how often it works. Stupid people are so much fun to mess with!