What would you do in this situation?

Ok, I am a guy, and recently my now ex-fiance started trying to change who I was, saying that she wanted me to act like a "normal" guy.

Now, I have been calling her all I can, emailing her, I even bought and shipped a DVD set she wanted to her home (we have a long-distance relationship, since I am in College, and she moved back in with her parents).

I was trying the best I could to facilitate some of these changes (like eating healthier, which is hard to do at College, ya know?), when she dropped this line on me before we got off the computer for the night (I had been BBQ'ing all day and couldn't talk, really bad allergies): "Either start acting like a normal guy, or else."

Now the entire next day (Sunday) I thought about it, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought I could hear a gun being pointed at my head (figurtively speaking of course). It reminded me a lot of the kind of things Hitler or Stalin would've said, so that night, I ended it with her, saying I wouldn't be a slave to a tyrant (whom she had been turning into these last few months, demanding I stay with her family for Spring Break [which I didn't do], ending our sex life after starting it, etc.).

Now recently I have had a couple people tell me that I was wrong. Now I am immediately thinking "WTF?" and "Don't I have the right to be treated with some respect (while I had been emailing and calling her, she had not reciprocated these actions, and had even continued flirting with other guys, and using this to try to make me more "possessive")?"

Oh well, I just want to know what you all think. If you want more info, I will be off and on, and don't feel bad about talking about it.

I think you were right to end it. It's not fair for her to try and mold you into the man she wants you to be. She should accept who you are and love you for it. You're the person she allegedly fell in love with- not this person that she wants you to be. I can understand some of her points, like eating healthy, especially if you have health problems or if your family has a history of health problems. But she should have appreciated the fact that you have tried changing for her despite the fact that it was unfair for her to ask you to.

If what you're telling me is the complete truth and you're not just giving your biased side of the story, then I agree with what you did. Her flirting with other guys was the icing on the cake for me. You should have dumped her and dumped her hard just for that. Let her go out there and see if she can find this perfect man that she's been trying to change you into. When she eventually realizes that this person doesn't exist, which I think will be the case, she'll probably come crawling back to you. Just make sure you don't take her back right away. If she comes crawling back to you then you're the one dealing from a position of strength. You'll have the ability to set the terms and conditions for getting back together.

She needs to understand who you are as a person. She needs to understand that everyone has their faults, and instead of trying to change all of them, she should be focusing on your good traits and loving you for them. Now, there are some cases where a woman is warranted in her wishing for her man to change his ways. Especially if he's got a drinking or drug problem, eats very poorly, treats her bad, etc. But if its petty little things that she's bothering you over, and things which you've actually tried to improve for her sake, then she's just plain nuts.

I've been with the same girl for the past 2 1/2 years. She's bugged me about some things like eating healthier (my family has history of heart disease) and quitting smoking. There's also a few other things that she's wanted me to work on. They were fairly reasonable, so I did my best to change them. But she still loved me and stuck with me in spite of those things which I could not change. And I stayed with her in spite of her faults. She's not an android that I created on my computer like in the movie "Weird Science", so she's not going to be perfect. But she's as darn near perfect as I could ever hope for. I love her with all of my heart and I plan on marrying her after we graduate college and get settled into our careers. We've had our ups and downs, occasional breakups, a few fights. But if you truly love someone then you can overcome the little and petty things that dont really mean crap in the grand scheme of things.

If this girl is the one for you then she'll realize what she did wrong, and so will you. If its meant to be then you two will get back together. If you don't, then it probably wasn't meant to be. I think right now both of you need to go out there and "play the field." Because if you don't, and if you get back together without each being 100% sure that you want to spend the rest of your lives with each other, then you may end up regretting it for the rest of your lives- and/or getting divorced.

Hope my advice helped! Good luck man! And don't let her win! Hold your ground!!!!

Originally posted by Rasputin13
I think you were right to end it. It's not fair for her to try and mold you into the man she wants you to be. She should accept who you are and love you for it.

Thank you! This has been something that I have been trying to tell people to stand up for (I've seen a lot of couples go through this "Molding" Stage).

If what you're telling me is the complete truth and you're not just giving your biased side of the story, then I agree with what you did.

I tried my best to not let my own emotions get into writing this, but I will admit that having a long distance relationship may not allow me access to all of the facts, but what is here, is all I knew at the time I made the decision.

Her flirting with other guys was the icing on the cake for me. You should have dumped her and dumped her hard just for that.

I agree with you completely on this. I actually thought that it was a little ok for her to interact with other guys, but I really started getting ticked when she said that I needed to start reining her in simply because the guys were flirting with her and she would flirt back.

Let her go out there and see if she can find this perfect man that she's been trying to change you into. When she eventually realizes that this person doesn't exist, which I think will be the case, she'll probably come crawling back to you. Just make sure you don't take her back right away. If she comes crawling back to you then you're the one dealing from a position of strength. You'll have the ability to set the terms and conditions for getting back together.

That's just the thing, I took her back twice after she broke up with me. The first time, she was afraid of a long-distance relationship, and the second...well...I never really found out why that one occurred.

Needless to say, I won't be taking her back. I had someone practically ask me out not three days afterI broke up with her ( I ddin't accept the offer of course, but still, gratifying).

Hope my advice helped! Good luck man! And don't let her win! Hold your ground!!!!

Oh yeah, it was really helpful! I was really excited that someone else agreed with me, I mean, I went out on a limb on this one as far as relationships go, I'm not much of a risk-taker, so to do this and stand up for me for once was well...different. But now I am feeling better about it

Thanks again!

I think the song from Rent says it best "Take me for what I am, who i was meant to be,...Take me, baby, or leave me." If she couldn't handle your querks and wouldn't compermise then you did the right thing. Some times its hard for some one to be them selfs because there always try to please others so i say don't worry what others think they can get over it. I mean ive dated guys and gals and i never tryed to change them if they wanted to change id do any thing to try and help, ....any ive said my point sorry for ranting but from a view point of a chick you did the right thing

Hmm, thanks for all the positive feedback! I really appreciate it!

I wonder then what would persuade people to be like that though?

Some of my friends here (of both sexes) have said that I treated her pretty darn well for the distance and the fact that it was the third time around after she dumped me twice.

Wish I could forget about her...if it wasn't for the fact that I gave my virginity to her....

I don't want to sound negative, but now everytime I will have sex in the future (if I do that is) I (in my own guilty mind) will think that I should have waited, but in my moment of weakness (I was in a depression at the time)....

It's almost enough to make me want to give up on having any kind of successful relationship with any woman.

*sigh* Though I did say to the girl that asked me out (in so many words), "I'm off the market until fall." Which I know to be a good idea, that way I won't do anything stupid by being emotionally charged, eh?

[edit on 4/20/2006 by Sir Solomon]

What would I do?

I would officially label the relationship "over." I'd remind myself that the "half-life" for getting over a relationship is basically half the length of the relationship itself. I'd decide to get out and meat a lot of women.

I'd tell myself that maybe the 400th woman I meat will be perfect for me. So, best to get started on getting to know girl #1. The journey of a million miles begins with a single step, you know.

Then I'd go have a beer, man.

.

Don't let the fact that she was your first take away the meaning for sex in the future.
I mean hay ...is that the right one... i forgot any way i could probly beat your worse day no prob.
its just one of those things that some days you want even thing about and others you beat your self up about
(U2U me if you want the whole story lol)

Originally posted by dr_strangecraft

I'd decide to get out and meat a lot of women.

I'd tell myself that maybe the 400th woman I meat will be perfect for me.

Freudian slip? Man, that'd be exhausting.

Darlin, I have been in somewhat similar positions. Firstly you have to think about the fact that if she couldn't appreciate who you are as a person, then she really wasn't worth it. It seemed she was trying to mold you into her own doll.

Secondly, I have to ask what is her idea of "normal". Normal is just a stereotypical ideal image of a being. Why would you want to be normal anyway, when normal could be concieved as dull and boring.

This may sound like a line, but it truly helps when i'm upset over a relationship. My father always told me "be yourself no matter what anyone else says, at the end of the day it is yourself that you have to live with". I truly believe he is right. So don't let a female take away from the life you deserve to be living, after all there are plenty of fish in the sea.

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  

• 
  
• 
  
•