Should I "give her up" or not? (Advice is needed)

First, let me just say, I write too many threads in the "relationship" forum... it's starting to become embarrassing.

Anyway...

I'm finally seeing a girl who I've known for years (I've always had feelings for her) and she came round the other evening to see me cause we hadn't seen each other for ages because she had to move out of town, but came back.

We had a really good talk, got abit drunk and did stuff, y'know... as you do. lol. Turns out, we're very similar people and share many interests and opinions.

All the time this was going on her ex-boyfriend (he's also a friend of mine - they broke up about 6 months ago) was in the pub, saying he wanted to come to my house and stab me because she was at my house, but the people he was with stopped him.

Just spoke to him online and he apologised and gave me a life story about how "bad life is" and that he is on drugs and an alcoholic, blah blah blah. I spent literally hours trying to help him but he kept saying stuff like, "I've tried that", or "life keeps knocking me down when I try to sort myself out".

Out of nowhere, I said, "If I get (the girl I'm seeing) back for you, will you get help?" and he agreed.

I've just realised that I can't just "give her up", cause I like her so much and I know she'll end up hurt if she goes back with him. I know it sounds like I'm treating her like an object, but I'm not. I have alot of respect for her and care for her deeply, I just don't know whether to help my "friend" with his so-called "alcohol and drug problems" or to not say anything to her about it and therefore prevent her from getting hurt.

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

Thanks in advance.

Originally posted by xeroxed88
If you were in this situation, what would you do?

I'd try to realise that most people know no more than me, hell some even know less, and at the end of the day, you have to make your own decisions in life.



:shk:

Yeah, I understand that but I haven't made my mind up yet, it's too hard. At the moment, I know I care more about her than I do him... hell, he wanted to kill me!

I could really do with some advice though.

Originally posted by xeroxed88
Yeah, I understand that but I haven't made my mind up yet, it's too hard. At the moment, I know I care more about her than I do him... hell, he wanted to kill me!

I could really do with some advice though.

Yeah fair enough, I'm just being horrible. With regards to your situation, here's a bit of advice. Look after number one. People will come and go, but your needs are a constant. Don't feel bad for somebody else's problems, they are exactly that, somebody else's.

I dunno, too much like a fortune cookie? Basically, look after yourself, because when the chips are down, nobody else will. Friends come and go, but the correct love can be with you for ever; and hey, if it doesn't work out with her a little further down the line, well, so what? You learned something, you gave it a shot, and there are plenty more where she came from.

Now all I have to do, is start taking my own advice.

Woah, that actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks alot Implosion.

And, good luck with the situation that you need to use your own advice on.

...anybody else got any advice?

I'd just like to hear more than one opinion on this subject.

Thanks.

Yup. I have a little advice.

No strings to help. Eiterh he gets help or not. You can encourage and support the idea, but to suggest you help him get back some girl is akin to manipulation, both against the girl as well as him. Also, when he doesn't get help and is still a soup sandwich, you have helped place someeone in a relationship with such a person.

Oh, and one more thing. Don't let life be a drama or a soap opera. It just isn't worth it!

Ok, words from the old-folk corner. Good luck in whatever you do.

Thanks, TC.

He won't get help unless he has her though... But, if he has her then it'll hurt her..

Then again, it's his fault he's like this, not mine or hers. It wasn't even my problem until I started seeing his ex. But, I don't wanna grow up knowing he's killed himself or something when I could have prevented it.

Meh, I care too much, that's my one vice. :bnghd:

Your comment on helping him get her back could come back to bite you in the backside. No doubt he will use that against use, to turn her on you. Atleast thats how most situations would play out.

I'd look after yourself. If this girl is right for you, then you go for her. We all have our own problems in life, and I like to help out anyone I can as much as possible. But are you going to sacrifice your own happiness to help out a person with all these self-inflicted problems?

Go for the girl!

Originally posted by xeroxed88
He won't get help unless he has her though...

Personally, I see that as nothing more than a "copout". If your friend truly wants to better his situation he will seek help, regardless of whether or not the girl is "there for him". The "I can't do it without her" is just another way of saying "I can't do it on my own.", which may very well be true. Perhaps he just needs to pick himself up by the proverbial bootstraps and start down a path to recovery, making use of the numerous groups and organizations that are willing and able to provide the help he needs.

As for your "relationship" with the girl ...

You know what you want, now just go for it. No need to risk a possible future or relationship by attempting to steer her back to him. She has already had a relationship with him and for whatever reason it didn't work out. Apparently she is ready to move on, as you should also.

I am not saying you shouldn't be there for your friend, you should. At least to the extent that he allows you to help, provide moral support, etc.

In the end, your friend will determine his own course in life and you should do the same.

I hope this makes sense to you, or at least helps in some form or fashion.

[edit on 2/13/2006 by 12m8keall2c]

Thank you to you all for helping me with this awkward situation, it really means alot.

Apparantly my "friend" still drank and did drugs when he was with her...

I'm very happy to say, she decided to stay with me because I treat her better than he does and she feels like she can trust me with her life, which she finds it very hard to do with other people.

He's still trying to interfere with our relationship though; he seriously needs to grow up. He's 18 and he's acting like a 12 year old, it's pathetic.

Anyway, thank you all very much again.

[edit on 15-2-2006 by xeroxed88]

Originally posted by xeroxed88

I'm very happy to say, she decided to stay with me because I treat her better than he does and she feels like she can trust me with her life, which she finds it very hard to do with other people.

[edit on 15-2-2006 by xeroxed88]

Great news, enjoy!

All the best!

"Get the girl back for him"? Doesn't she have any say in the matter?

And as for the sob story about drugs and drinking, that is his decision, no one forced the way that he deals with things on him. Life is tough? Life is tough for everyone at one time or another. You mentioned that he was at a bar I believe so I can only assume he is at least 21? Time to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

You said that he is your friend and, although you feel for him, sometimes it is best not to carry people but let them deal with things for themself. That is the only way that any of us grow.

I never fight over women with other men. To many of them out there to be doing that with your life or time.
Some of the posters have excellent posts here. IF the woman wants to stay with you ..no problem.
I also agree with some of the posters that the guy ..your friend has a problem for which you are not responsible. He made a choice to be or do what he is doing. YOu are not responsible for this. Nor for the state of his love life. You are not in the rescue buisness..male or female.
If you want the girl ..go for it....this one or any other one..Just dont spend alot of time fighting over them. There is no woman shoratge out there.
One more thing..if you have good male friends..and I mean good ones..you dont let women come between you and them. Good friends are difficult to come by. Good friends understand this..its called respect.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Out of nowhere, I said, "If I get (the girl I'm seeing) back for you, will you get help?" and he agreed.

Dude?..seriously keep away from this guy, this whole situation is not going to turn out good. Me and my friends have always had a rule about dating each others ex chicks, its a no go.

I think its cool that you have feelings for this chick but her ex's problems are not yours, hes made desicions that are out of your hands.

just be carefull you dont end up getting hurt, u cant save the world mate, much as a decent chap would try.

Well ya know if both you are looking for a long term or life relation ship the mind wants what it wants so does love if she doesnt even like him how could she ever love him"him as in your friend" and if you 2 are currently dating etc well, if you feel a connection on that higher level why would you want her to go back with him is that whats best for her? as for your friend see if you cant find other ways too help him but keep in mind the only way you can help him is if he wants to help himself.... So theres my opinion best of luck to you sir.

If you want to talk further about this I have aim which is - CrystalFear666 or
i have yahoo which is - InnerUniverse435 or just send an email to me through here its [email protected] I'm pretty young but very wise and knowladgable

Thanks, guys. It means alot

Apparantly he's still angry with me but ah, well... I've tried to help him, I've spent hours and hours trying to help but he just throws it back in my face. So... I'm just not going talking to him until he grows up. He's being absolutely pathetic about it all. Knowing him, he'll probably resort to violence, but I'm quite sure I can handle it.

I think the situation is pretty much sorted though, she wants me so we may aswell just carry on with life.

Thanks again.

TextApparantly he's still angry with me but ah, well... I've tried to help him, I've spent hours and hours trying to help but he just throws it back in my face. So... I'm just not going talking to him until he grows up. He's being absolutely pathetic about it all. Knowing him, he'll probably resort to violence, but I'm quite sure I can handle it.

thats easy...just resort with more and bigger violence...lol...im joking...keep away..he will get over it.

If you love her, then dont give her up.

But i understand that you want to help your friend, well it's a pretty hard situation.

[edit on 18-2-2006 by The Juvey]