Is it unfaithful to have a secret but non-sexual relationship over the Internet?

Originally posted by Darkraveness
I have gotten to know them and their lifestyles. Some know me so well as they can sense in the writing of my words if I'm not ok.I really like some of the people I chat with. Some are female and male.
It is easy to have sex on line. Their are always offers around.

I chat with males and females online as well most of them I dont know personaly. I have no interest in a online relationship due to the reasons outlined above but thats just me.
dont you feel a sense of false hood? or a
lack of depth in your online relationships ?




[edit on 7-2-2006 by xpert11]

It is unfaithful to have a secret but non-sexual relationship over the Internet?

No. Just my opinion. You don't own your partner in a relationship [unless you're kinda kinky], people have the right to secrets from ANYBODY.

You know if secrets from your partner is the equivalent of being "unfaithful" to your partner, then gals...confess to your partners, and priests and give up your friends because I don't think there is a woman on earth that doesn't confide things to her "best" friends, friends, sister, or mothers...or even online groups of women...that she would never ever tell her spouse/lover/significant other.

Men, not so much...but if we are going to split hairs here about what is unfaithful and say it is secrets...then isn't the lust men naturally have...isn't the thought he toys with about certain women at certain times.... a certain infidelity then? Certainly it's usually a secret thought...certainly he isn't going to tell his wife/partner about every sexual thought and perversion he may momentarily indulge in his mind, or during his morning routine

So while that doesn't give my anwser to the quaetioned posed...I just wanted to address some of the answers given for now...before my spouse catches me here and wants to leave me for secretly conversing anonymously online with 3000 ATSers

I feel so dirty...

Hi xpert 11.
It just like talking on the phone.
I'm not a false person. I actually write postcards etc back to my friends on line. They sent the first one then I did a courtesy one back. (why not?)
Not just have a straight online chat. I have gotten to know these people. Maybe I'm lucky and found real decent people.
(I don't know). I don't feel it's too false at all.

Ok, sneaking away from my spouse to continue have this affair here on ATS...

the thing is, fidelity in all forms is like religion-it's subjective to the believer as to what it really means or how important it is in all it's forms-but most will agree it is important to the success of relationships.

God, religion, and society in general says it's wrong to have more than one lover, wrong to love more than one person at a time, wrong to be in an emotional and/or sexual relationship with anyone other than your respective partner.

To that end, this must encompass Internet born friendships/relationships as much as real life ones...but there is a huge difference IMHO...depending on what kind of relationship you are guarding.

According to books and opinions on the subject anything that takes your attention from your partner is infidelity of some sort to some extent and puts you relationship at risk and puts you at risk for full blown in the flesh affair.

So going to a certain restuarant at lunch because the cute waitress flirts with you...or innocent flirting or lunch with a co-worker because they are fun, cute, make you feel good...etc...all being unfaithful...whether your spouse knows it or not...so "innocent" flirting according to that is just as dangerous...then there's fantasies of a hot actress...daydreams of romantic interludes...fantasies during sex...

depending on who you speak with...all of those =infidelity...begining in your mind, then your heart etc. ...and this from the "experts"

Fact is-humans are very capable of loving more than one person at a time...and being sexually attracted for the same reasons...and because of this, there has to be a moral code...a religious born one even...so there is not heartbreaking chaos in the world, and a dissolution of familial structure.

so, for those who do not want to risk heartache, and cherish their relationships, they will do well to not only not have improper friendships online, but to guard their thougths and actions in all situations then.

For those of us that cherish our sanity and sexuality over our current relationships, the line gets a bit more blurred...

What you find though, is people in strong relationships saying "Oh no! It's wrong! It's infidelity 100%" because they can not fathom the heartbreak it would cause to them to learn their lover had done something like that behind their back and betrayed them...nor could they imagine ever needing someone else or doing that to the one they love...likely in a good relationship it isn't going to happen...but still perish the thought!

This is security born prejudice against Internet "affairs"

Then you have those weak of resolve/relationships...either they are afraid of the temptation to themselves or to their partner because perhaps things are not ideal, or they are insecure in general or in the relationship...so then again...it's "oh the horror! That would be the worst-that is 'cheating!' " etc ...they would NEVER do that to anyone and hope to God it wouldn't happen to them...that their lover would seek something/someone else somewhere else...oh no...no...

This is insecurity born prejudice against such Internet "affairs"

Then you have me...

But I just blame it all on Timing, Destiny, and the Canadian Factor

Now, seriously, judge me if you must, but until you've slept in my underwear...

Now, while I would not have an affair in the flesh, I have had one online last year. My marital situation is not ideal to say the least and though I wasn't looking AT ALL...it found me so to speak. A lover from the past...someone with whom I had had a *connection* with once in my life...albeit for one night-but it made an impact on us....and now we were in contact via the Internet again....and things just escalated.

I am a deeply loving person and very sexual, but I couldn't just look for sex or for romance on the net...just not going to happen, just not going to fulfill me, ...but sometimes...fate just plays with me.

We have ended our correspondence, and I miss it. It is dangerous-you can get hurt, marriages can be ruined etc...but also it can be fulfilling, cathartic, and just what you needed...it all depends on from where you are coming from...

As for all Internet secrets-guess I'm still guilty as a few of the opposite sex people know my gender here at ATS and I wouldn't want my spouse reading our correspondence-guilty-I am highly sexual and can be a flirt-guilty-which is why for the most part I remain as androgenous as I can here-keeps the temptation low.

However I flirt-or did-innocently with one. Absolutely no intention beyond flirting and mock sexual harrassment about how hot they are etc....another I would never dream of flirting with...but we have good off the board talks...NO INTIMACY of any type except for the extent of the blatant honesty I show with this person...and then the other...well that one is kind of fun...kind of hot...but then thats nobody's business...

Just saying...those withought sin cast the first stone...

yes it's infidelity by some definition and some standards, and it's probably good to be seen as such-preserves the value of relationships and prevents another route of possibly destroying them... but really to me, it's a good thing...it preserves my relationship...gives me something I need-without having to go outside of my marriage in the flesh...depends on how far you are going to go...I will never go randomly looking for it...I will never make anything of it...but I do enjoy the fact it has come my way twice to enjoy something in my otherwise disasterous personal life-so shoot me for having something satisfying in my life-when my marriage fails me, but I stay to make everyone else happy.

[edit on 7-2-2006 by think2much]

If the online relationship is non-sexual, non-romantic and completly platonic then why would a person feel the need to hide it in the first place?
Unless of course they have a totally controlling partner who doesn't allow them to have friends in the first place.

If you have to ask...I think you already know.
If you cant tell your SO about this relationship....its non sexual and technically. That would include relationships with all friends. BUT you still cant tell them. That is wrong. Is it worth the risk of losing your SO?
I think you have to stop joking yourself,dump little secret or tell the SO.

Originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
why would a person feel the need to hide it in the first place?
Unless of course they have a totally controlling partner who doesn't allow them to have friends in the first place.

Hello! And I can attest for any controling types out there...it WILL backfire on you...

and for anyone with a controling manipulative partner...if you are not married...RUN!

Then you wont have to have online friendships

Darkraveness thanks for the reply. Perhaps I should have said that your relationship seems false. However I understand your point of view.
Cheers Xpert11.

Just wait till you've been married for 25 years like i have

Not only will you not feel guilty about conversations of a nonsexual nature with someone, you will look forward to it.

My husband? Sure he knows who i chat with, only because i told him. That old guizard is too happy and comfortable on the couch to care.

He knows he can trust me and i can trust him. Its all about trust. We've always had it. Besides, there comes a time when you get too tired to play games.:shk:

For you young ones, you will know what i mean later in life.

We've been together since we were 15 years old. :shk::shk:

WOW dgtempe WOW . Since you were 15 years old.
I knew my husband for 8 years as a friend before we ummmmmmmmmm you know.
LOL. It's been 14 years now together. 7 years of marriage . We have just about gone through all the trials a marriage could go through.
Yes I agree as you get older things do change. I know I have changed. And for the better.
But as for you think2much it's your finaldecision what you do. Or who you tell.

oops I forgot.
Hi there xpert 11. I don't know if it feels like a fasle relationship. Time will tell on that one (wont it.)
It will be very interesting though.
Cheers to you to.

DARKRAVENESS xxxxxx

Originally posted by Darkraveness
. I don't know if it feels like a fasle relationship. Time will tell on that one

You know people talk of how you never know if it is some agoraphobi strung out sow to big and scared and scarey to leave her pen that corresponds with hairy ape men wearing red heart boxers and going both ways online when necessary...all the while they pretend to be something/someone else physically/sexually/emotionally/intellectually etc...

and I find that scarey....for others.

like I said...I don't look for it, but friendship has sometimes found me online, and the one thing I value MOST about it, is that it is where I feel I can be MORE of myself -who I am-instead of less.

it is where I feel safe being exactly who I really am.

that is what is so cathartic about it all!

I can't imagine being online and expending an iota of energy in being false about anything.

Can an online relationship really ever be considered sexual? Doesn't some actual physical contact need to occur?

Originally posted by Lianna
Can an online relationship really ever be considered sexual? Doesn't some actual physical contact need to occur?

Well it can be verbally sexual, in the same way that phone sex is sexual.

Originally posted by Lianna
Can an online relationship really ever be considered sexual? Doesn't some actual physical contact need to occur?

Not really! The most important sexual organ in the human body is the brain.

almost all internet relationships are about sex...
leave why u still can or ur gonna get burned....
best solution though is to remain single and carefree...

[edit on 26-4-2006 by rottonralph101]

Here's my first and final argument on the subject. The only reason you are continuing in a non sexual relationship with this person, is because you dont have the CHOICE of being sexual with them. If you did, you probably would. In which case, if your relationship is lacking enough that you need to find comfort and understanding in the "cyber arms" of another, then maybe you and your partner should just talk and be done with it.

Originally posted by EdenKaia
Here's my first and final argument on the subject. The only reason you are continuing in a non sexual relationship with this person, is because you dont have the CHOICE of being sexual with them. If you did, you probably would. In which case, if your relationship is lacking enough that you need to find comfort and understanding in the "cyber arms" of another, then maybe you and your partner should just talk and be done with it.

I don't really agree with that logic. Just because you are friends with someone online doesn't mean that you want to be sexual with them.