The shyness syndrome...

Its a real killer - how do i stop being shy? im accused of being goodlooking - but im terribly shy - H E L P! before i know it ill be too old and this shyness will have achived its goal.... (im a dude btw)...

Many many missed opertunitys.. all down to shyness - wtf do i do???

I used alcohol to overcome my shyness. Instead of being shy, I became a fool.

Finally a wise and more experienced friend gave me some sage advice.

"What's the worst that can happen" If you're rejected, SO WHAT! It only hurts for a little while. Most of the time women are flatered when you pay attention to them just as you would be if a pretty lady payed attention to you.

Alcohol works, but it's a fine line between confident

and goofy. Acting goofy will not inhance your success rate.

Here's an analogy: Remember how scary the high dive was in the beginning? After a while and a number of attempts it became FUN.

Something else I learned; electric guitars are magnets for women. plus playin music is its own reward.

From your brother in shyness; Peace and GOOD LUCK!

[edit on 13-1-2006 by whaaa]

I disagree with alcohol... yeah, it's all about moderation, but being drunk is highly unnattractive.

How I got over it--- Sucked it up, said eff it, and did it. I just walked up to a dude and was like "HEY"... and I made sure to do it without thinking, because when you start thinking you start talking yourself out of doing it. Just randomly stand up, walk over, and start talking before you ahve the chance to convince yourself not to--- Don't think, just do! If she says no, then she's probably a snot anyways and you're not interested.

Good luck!

Originally posted by Im a true sceptic
Its a real killer - how do i stop being shy? im accused of being goodlooking - but im terribly shy - H E L P! before i know it ill be too old and this shyness will have achived its goal.... (im a dude btw)...

Many many missed opertunitys.. all down to shyness - wtf do i do???

I'm of the opinion that if you are shy, you are shy for a reason, like you have a "secret" which you think might be revealed if you are overcommunicative. This might not be true in all cases, but I think it holds weight, of course people will deny that is why they are shy, but that is only to hide the "secret."

That said. I tried using alcohol to overcome my own shyness, but it only destroyed me. I became an alcoholic over a Summer, and It culminated in getting a DUI, which has only made my life much worse.

That being said. The best advice is to just be yourself and don't worry about what other people think. If people don't like you for who you are, then they aren't worth having as friends.

You just need to get out and see the world, and exist outside of your own seclusion. And I, I need to take my own advice.

Good Luck,
- Attero

[edit on 13-1-2006 by Attero Auctorita]

I'd just like to say i can sympathise and do feel for guys like Skeptic & Whaa. I'm also in the same position. I'm fairly shy at times, especially when it comes to talking to new women or making a move. I'm often in groups where the guys will have success and i'm just left sitting there, watching on.

People think it's not important but it is. It can affect peoples lives, in all kinds of aspects. It doesn't help in not having a great deal of confidence, but i find it difficult to 'nurture' it. I've been told i'm good looking although i don't believe it. If i think a woman looks i'll often ignore her and come up with a reason, like she's looking at something behind. Also sometimes it's diffcult to see whether a 'look' is of genuine interest or just random.

I've had people telling me to "let go", "it doesn't matter if she says no" etc. I've had it all, but it is a dramatic change in attitude. I dunno, i just hope i won't go through life without having a girlfriend haha. That would be horrible :/

I'm also a 'dude'. Feel a little stupid saying this stuff, but i'm being honest and this a part of who i am.

Just wish the best for guys like Attero to. It is difficult

So ladies, we're not all chauvinistic pigs lol.

[edit on 23/1/06 by Flyboy211]

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite shy. I try when I have to (ie extended family and friend's of friends), but I just very rarely feel that I really connect with other human beings. My actual deal is that I have problems trusting people I don't already know on the most basic of levels.

I suppose that paranoia comes into play at some point. I know who I am and am comfortible with myself, but I always question the motives of others.

What you do is totally kill all your emotional worries, and just be like buddha, think about only now, not the future or the past.

Originally posted by Jonna
but I just very rarely feel that I really connect with other human beings.

I pretty much have the same problem. People try to befriend me and I just don't feel that connection enough to want to be their good friend.

People I talk to online don't believe me but I am extremily shy, and over the past year it has gotten worse. I have developed a "phone phobia" I haven't spoken to my best friend in almost a year because I get anxious whenever I have to talk on the phone. It's really sad.

Originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
People I talk to online don't believe me but I am extremily shy,

That's the strange thing. Online there are really no repercussions to most anything you say. If you really feel that you said something that bothers you emotionally, then you just change your username and start over. It's safe as long as your online life stays online.

I think sometimes shyness can come from not being around enough people so intern we don't learn the skills to make us feel confident around others, ( I could be wrong)

lol

I would suggest that you join some group like karate which is a great way of helping you build confidence also talk to anyone and everyone, say hi when you walk past people, or nod your head,

this sounds funny but another way is to wear a elastic band around your wrist and when you feel shy in front of people just ping it, you will soon find a way to realize when you start feeling anxious and hopefully overcome each situation,

Good luck

Originally posted by asala
I would suggest that you join some group like karate which is a great way of helping you build confidence

Then if she turns you down you can just go Bruce Lee on her!


All I can say about this is facing your fears and getting over them is a very liberating thing. The girl/woman you want to talk to has insecurites just like you and everyone else.

Peace

OK, here's my take on shyness-in general it can have to do with personal insecurites, or lack of trust, fear of intimacy etc... but most cases the internal factor is "distorted thinking" and the external factor is "Lack of experience" and you can overcome both and be very happy!

If you have an overall lack of experience with approaching women, talking to women, asking women out, or to dance etc...then not only is this a fact of being the external factor- lack of experience, but it manifests itself in "distorted thinking" which most people to a degree practice at different times, and often people with shyness etc have made it into unconscious HABIT-ONE TO BREAK my friend.

The key word in the above is practice-if you practice talking with women, you'll become better and more comfortable with it-if you practice being shy, well then you'll perfect that, and if you are unconciously practicing distorted thinking, this is the self-defeating practice you most need to be aware of an STOP.

Distorted thinking is a thought, that is NOT based in fact, but as soon as it crosses your mind-consciously or subconsciously- then you have an actual emotional reaction based on it. Whether it is true or false! ANd this reaction validates the thought as fact. It's a cycle.

Emotions are not aware of validity of the trigger-meaning the thought can be based on truth or rubbish, but you will have an emotional reaction to it nonetheless-ie: anxiety

...this very real emotional feeling then validates the thought-making you think-or over-think (think2much maybe ) and then you become selfdefeating...these thought become common unconscious ones, causing negative feelings (anxiety etc) which confirms itself and perpetuates the problem

Examples of distorted thoughts: Lables

If you lable yourself as : a shy guy, a nerd, a geek, a dork, not good around women, a failure with women, etc

or lable other guys you compare yourself with as: studs, cool, good with women, chick-magnets etc...

and women as: out of my league, too hot, too pretty, too sexy, not interested

then this distorted lable causes an emotional reaction to it (sad/inferior, jealous of others, anxiety with women etc) this is hard for guys to grasp sometimes not being so totally in touch with feelings over thought etc.

But that emotional reaction inadvertantly validates your thought (of yourself as a geek, other guys cool, women untouchable)

This is primal-that our thoughts create emotional reactions and that are emotional reactions validate our thoughts-it's a primal psychological cycle:

Think of it this way-you are prehistoric man and suddenly hear a dinosaur and speculate danger and process the thought-*I'm in danger*...your body is almost instantaneously reacting-pumping up your adrenelin and this reaction of your body to your thought is then validating your thought and telling you yes, you are in danger- RUN! or FIGHT! ...and you then start instantly thinking about what is the best course to take...to run or fight...and while you think these options over for a split sec each your bodies reaction to each through helps you decide which course to take...to run or fight...

and then you run only to see and realize it wasn't a dinosaur coming around the mountain...it was just another damn spaceship taking off and you wish those damn aliens would find something that didn't shake the earth so much...

NOW your thinking is factual...and your emotions regulate...but a second ago...with the unfactual thought your life was in danger, you rphysical/emotional/psychological eacted to it. You reacted to a distorted thought-the reactions are real.

I wont go further, but you get the idea...

Ok, so you have a distorted thought, and it creates an negative emotional reaction, which then validates the distorted thought (I'm a shy dork= you then feel inferior to the guys around who are not and/ or intimidated by the women around you as too hot=mental confirmation you must be a dork if you feel so inferior and intimidated, etc which makes you think some more, and here is where distorted thinking multiplies faster than bunnies into other areas of known distorted thinking patterns from David Burns MD are identified as:

ALL or NOTHING thinking
OVERGENERALIZATION
MENTAL FILTERING
DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
MAGNIFICATION/MINIMIZATION
EMOTIONAL REASONING
"SHOULD"
(and these are in addition to labling/mislabling yourself and others I've mentioned)

Here's a scereo incorportating some of the above thoughts that many shy guys might practice:

you go to a bar or party and walk in and sit down, or cruise the perimeter, and see who is there-guys/gals and what is going on...and this is- if not the first thought- definately one that will eventually pass through your noggin something like *Man I wish I wasn't so shy, I feel like a dork, I wish I could talk to some of these women like John over there, man he is cool, he always gets the hot chicks...I never do*

So seems benign, but here is a breakdown of how some simple seemingly accurrate and benign thought is actually distorted thinking and ultimately self-defeating. Here's another take on those type thoughts above and the corresponding distorted parts HIGHLIGHTED BY CAPS (and identified in parenthesis)

*Gosh, I'm so SHY (LABLE). I hate being all nervous, I'm such a SHY GEEK (lable), I wish I could be like my COOL FRIENDS, (LABLE)... or those -SMOOTH GUYS (lable)...man there goes John he ALWAYS (all or nothing/overgeneralization/jumping to conclusions) gets the HOTTEST WOMEN, (lable/ Overgenerlization) and I can NEVER (overgeneralization/jumping to conclusions) even talk to such a HOT CHICK (lable) without ALWAYS (Overgeneralization/jumping to conclusions) being/feeling/looking like a COMPLETE DORK! (overgeneralization/lable)

In 30 seconds you've done what you probably always unwittingly practice-self-defeating thoughts, and had emotional reactions -disappointment in yourself, hopelessness in picking up women, fear of failure with women, jealousy of smooth guys etc...those feelings you had, of dread for the rest of the night beinfg more of what you experienced in the past...the smooth guys getting chicks, while you hang out alone or with the other dorks...

that emotional gut reaction to your thoughts psychological validates them, and then you think it's true...that you will NEVER get the HOT chicks and someone like JOHN who is SMOOTH will ALWAYS get laid at the end of the night if not sooner...

it's a self defeting cycle that happens nearly instantaneously, with ONE simple thought lasting 30 seconds as you check out the scene! then you practice this behavior with each thought along those lines thorughout the night and when you go home having not spoken to a woman, or sure she was "Just being nice" (Jumping to conclusions, labling)if you did talk with one, or one smiled at you all ready to torture yourself with the same thoughts as you leave-alone-as proof those thoughts were correct to begin with...

you practice these thoughts alot I bet if you are shy. but you don't know you are practicing something, and you don't know your thoughts are distorted.

But for one you are NOT SHY, (stop labling)you maybe do not go up to people or women alot, and are nervous to, or when you do, but this is merely a lack of practice and confidence... you may feel nervous, but that is a feeling, based on inexperience probably, and not WHO you ARE any more than SHY is WHO YOU ARE-it's simply NOT...just something you FEEL sometimes and something you can STOP feeling by practicing other thoughts and feelings and actions all of which will create their own positive cycle.

Basically, chances are you've practiced this form of distorted thinking, or a variety of it to some degree for MUCH longer than you've tried to actually make an effort to coonect with a woman or overcome your negative feelings and distorted thinking...so it's time to change my friend.

Damn...I'd go into more nd explain how to overcome and change it all but I don't have time today! (collective sigh of relief from readers) but just ponder those points if you will!!

Originally posted by Attero Auctorita
I'm of the opinion that if you are shy, you are shy for a reason, like you have a "secret" which you think might be revealed if you are overcommunicative. This might not be true in all cases, but I think it holds weight, of course people will deny that is why they are shy, but that is only to hide the "secret."

That said. I tried using alcohol to overcome my own shyness, but it only destroyed me.

Yes, alcohol can be detrimental for many reasons.

So, what is/ was your secret that you felt you'd reveal if overcommunicative?? Is it something simple like you aren't as articulate as some, aren't as intelligent as you seem, or that your sense of humor is stupid, ...something of a self-perception problem I am saying, or something darker...like ...well...I dunno....a bias for something, a prejudice against something?

Just wondering what kind of secrets you hold or think others who are shy do.

Originally posted by think2much
OK, here's my take on shyness (snip)I'd go into more nd explain how to overcome and change it all but I don't have time today!

(collective sigh of relief from readers) but just ponder those points if you will!!

Now I know my first post was quite lengthy and I appologize for being naturally long-winded so to speak, (admittedly my name could be "talks2much") however I thought I had something of value to offer people who are stuck believing they are shy-as if it is a state of being and who they in essence are or something

but Iwont post another long-winded post on ways of changing your thinking and overcoming shyness if no one is interested-or if you are interested, but don't want to post -u2u me

shyness is tough, its hard to break out of that shell. i didnt break out of my shell until i was 23..im 28 now and still have some moments of shyness around certain people. but what i eventually learned was if you're true to yourself, sincere and honest ... the shyness can start to quickly disolve with an initial breaking of the ice. the moments leading up to that first introduction are no doubt the hardest, if you can get past that then chemistry between you and the girl will take its course from there and whatever happens..happens. just be yourself, be honest, and some mystery to who you are will spark intrigue with the girl too.

Shyness is tough... I tried alcohol and it worked for a while...

Until like whaaa so elegantly put... I turned into a fool. Short term solutions are great for... A short time. Just remember that the girl will like you for being yourself even if you are shy. If she doesn't like your shy etiquette she's probably not the type of girl you're lookin' for. Just role with punches and it will happen my man. It will happen.

Remember there are shy women too.

Good luck my man.

Originally posted by Dr Love

Originally posted by asala
I would suggest that you join some group like karate which is a great way of helping you build confidence

Then if she turns you down you can just go Bruce Lee on her!

All I can say about this is facing your fears and getting over them is a very liberating thing. The girl/woman you want to talk to has insecurites just like you and everyone else.

Peace

I don't know. What you're saying SHOULD be true... but it happened to me a few times that I got to make the push to express my true feelings to a girl, and that had the effect of a train wreck. Although it was not very dramatic or violent, it just killed the relationship!

Perhaps I did'nt had the right approach, perhaps I was too "verbal" and not enough proactive, but then taht would mean that there are specific ways to overcome your fears... :/

I wonder if sometimes it's not better to just keep things light, and send a few signs -not too aggressive- to see if the other person's interested. If he/she sends a positive answer, then that would be the appropriate time to make things evolve between you and the other person. Love is beautiful when it flows and seems natural.

I love shy guys but still guys who are self-confident. Who needs an egomaniac?