PC or Non PC - That Is The Question?

A law has recently been placed on the Statute Book in the UK forbidding comedians or comediens from telling jokes about race, religion and politics.

I think it's pure BS because if you can't make a joke about adversity - what else can we laugh about?

So to thumb my nose as the Poliyically Correct crowd, here's a couple of jokes.

"Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.


Or how about this?


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, dear, so sad" says the other.

"This is my second son, Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ..." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they ?


Not to your taste? What about these?


Weight Watchers Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat buggers.

Swimmers Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Safe Sex Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X Files Fan Recreate the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Lady's DIY An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Vegetarians 1 Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Vegetarians 2 Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Smoking Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Last One............................................... for now

Cycling to work Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.






[edit on 7-8-2005 by fritz]

Not that I doubt you but do you have a link to this new "law" (more like gestapo tactics) Man if they ever passed a law like that in Canada then Canadian Comedy would crumble and disappear.

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't post...

But the visuals of frozen-pea laden condoms just made me laugh so hard my sides are hurting.

Thank you. A million times, thank you.

On a more serious note though, I've tried without success to find the law to which you're referring.

I can't find anything even close

Help?

C'mon guys - please? Pretty Please? Pretty Please with Bells on?

Just post some non-PC jokes or stories.

Other than that, try reading Hansard in the Palace of Westminster or Brit Press of House of Commons website.

How about this one?

A man goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The clerk asked if he wanted a man or woman. He said woman.

The clerk then asked if he wanted a white one or black one. He said a
black one. Finally the clerk asked if he wanted a Christian or Muslim.

The man asked what religion had to do with it.

The clerk said, "The Muslim one blows itself up!!"

Or - what about a golfing joke?

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take
a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
here....."

By Allah, I'm sooooooooo good!


One for the Oldies

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank straight to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replies, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..... How
soon can I go home?"























[edit on 7-8-2005 by fritz]

I'm going to disclaim this as much as I humanly can.

I'll blame a "nephew"...yeah, that'll work.

HIS favourite non-PC joke.

"What's blue, and doesn't fit?"


......
......
......


A dead epileptic.

Hey Tinkle - an oldie but still a goldie.

But is that it?

Ain't nobody got the balls to post non-PC jokes or stories?

Sheeesh!

[edit on 7-8-2005 by fritz]

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."


had enough?

Yeah Shadow. They're not too bad! BUT - what about these?

Health and Safety

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, hey don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Drinking

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
(Stopped editing the post there, it is from an email, deal with it lol.)

Dieting

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Attention all Anorexics and Bulemia sufferers! When your knees become fatter than your legs start eating cakes again.

Washday

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.


Driving

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Now people - get them jokes rolling!

Two Muslims walk into their local JJB Sports shop to buy a couple of rucksacks. Ali likes the look of a red and black one, whilst Ahmed like a blue and green one.

After several minutes looking through the rucksacks, Ahmed puts one on and strolls across to have a look in the mirror. Still not sure, he turns to Ali and says:

Ali, does my bomb look big in this?

Two Muslims walk into their local JJB Sports shop to buy a couple of rucksacks. Ali likes the look of a red and black one, whilst Ahmed like a blue and green one.

After several minutes looking through the rucksacks, Ahmed puts one on and strolls across to have a look in the mirror. Still not sure, he turns to Ali and says:

Ali, does my bomb look big in this?

Two Muslims walk into their local JJB Sports shop to buy a couple of rucksacks. Ali likes the look of a red and black one, whilst Ahmed like a blue and green one.

After several minutes looking through the rucksacks, Ahmed puts one on and strolls across to have a look in the mirror. Still not sure, he turns to Ali and says:

Ali, does my bomb look big in this?

it was funny the first two times, but the third??? lol

I know, I know, I know Shadow Watcher! My 'net link was so slow in posting my reply that, in my ignorence and frustration, I pressed the 'Post Reply' button again and again.

Sorry about that. How do I delete them............ Anybody?

You could go into EDIT and delete the post. It wont remove them completely, but it will make them smaller. Or just paste 2 dirty jokes in their place!

The only Non-PC jokes I could really tell are fairly, um, 'racially charged'. Is anyone gonna flame the piss out of me if I were to post a couple?

PS--I'm not a racist, and actually heard most of my jokes from a black friend of mine. You'd be surpirsed what sorts of looks a white dude gets when he's drinking beer with black dude at a bowling alley, and they're telling black jokes back and forth.

A catholic priest, a lawyer, a scoutmaster and a load of scouts are on a plane thats about to crash.

The pilot tells the three men that there are only two parachutes.

The scoutmaster says 'give them to the two brightest kids'
The lawers cries out 'Screw the kids!'
The priest says 'is there time?'

Manny Ramirez was a Portugese football player for the local university. The Portugese crowd went nuts every game because they were so proud of him. One day they were looking and looking, but nobody could see his number on the field. The crowd started booing and stomping and throwing things on the field. The Dean runs out and gets on the PA and says "Manny Ramirez can't play today because he failed a history test." The crowd went nuts at this, and started throwing more things on the field. The Dean ran into the locker room, and called the head of the History department, to ask if there was any way Manny Ramirez could play in the game. The History professor said "Ok, if he can answer one question right, then I'll pass him and he can play." So the Dean grabs Manny and takes him on the field. As soon as the crowd sees him they get really quiet. The Dean turns to Manny and on the PA says "Ok Manny, if you can answer this one question right, you can play in todays game. Who was the first President of the United States?"

Manny thinks and thinks. The crowd is so quiet that you could hear a pin drop anywhere in the stadium, when Manny suddenly yells "I got it! George Washington!" After which the crowd starts chanting "Give him one other chance! Give him one other chance!"

Originally posted by kaoszero
The only Non-PC jokes I could really tell are fairly, um, 'racially charged'. Is anyone gonna flame the piss out of me if I were to post a couple?

PS--I'm not a racist, and actually heard most of my jokes from a black friend of mine. You'd be surpirsed what sorts of looks a white dude gets when he's drinking beer with black dude at a bowling alley, and they're telling black jokes back and forth.

"Racist" jokes are the norm out here. The people that lived here for most of their lives accept them and laugh at them. It's how the different races started to get along with each other when they first arrived here.