(Humour) Alien News Items, page 1

Hi guys. I thought everybody could do with a laugh so I wrote this for you to guffaw at (or not, you humourless individual, you). To the skeptics I say "You can't prove it's not like this".

Zeta-Reticuli Soccer Team Loses Again
Suffering their 164th consecutive defeat, the all-Gray Zeta Reticuli soccer team lost 4-0 yesterday to the all-star Reptilian team. When pressed by reporters, the Zeta Reticuli coach placed the blame squarely on a lack of toes. "You just can't grip", the exasperated coach winged. "Plus, they've got that whole tail thing happening. We can't compete with that".

Clothing Vote Defeated
A proposed vote that would enforce the wearing of clothing was resoundingly defeated today in the Galactic Federation. The spokesperson from Zeta Reticuli was quick to state "Why hide our lack of shame? None of us hasn't got anything we haven't seen before".

Teenagers Escape Jail Sentence
A group of 5 Zeta Reticuli teenagers has escaped jail time for taking a fleet of interstellar ships on a joyride to Earth and graffitying human crop fields. In handing down the sentence, GF Magistrate Kworky Kwimble attributed the stunt to the exuberance of youth, saying "Newly defrosted clones will be newly defrosted clones".

Human-Gray Hybrids Display Worst Traits of Both Species
At first a laughable oddity, human-gray hybrid children are beginning to pose a hassle for many weary parents. "Have you seen them?" one mother asked. "These heads just look wrong with hair". One mother described an incident where her hybrid son crafted his first death ray, usually a cause for celebration. "But then he built another one and put the first one on the floor and dared us to 'Pick up the gun'".

Earth Defensive Strategy Revealed to Be Cunning Hoax
In what is shaping up as one of the greatest military humiliations in the Galactic Federation's history, the prime Earth defensive weapon 'Professional Wrestling' was today revealed to be little more than a showy bluff. An attack on Earth has long been delayed due to presumed deadliness of the human known as 'Undertaker' and the effect his 'Tombstone Piledriver' would have on oversized Gray heads. "What else might they be bluffing about?" asked a spokes-clone for the military. "For all we know 'War of the Worlds' may not even be real".