Life's little trap

I dunno. The harder your try, the harder you fall; the more you want it; the less you get; and the more u give of yourself, the more lose. There is always that thing you want, that you desire, the one thing that keeps you awake at night, and then entertained in your dreams. It is so close to you physically, yet beyond your reach at any other level. Yet you try harder, you give more than what is safe of yourself to that one thing. And as you lose more and more, still gaining nothing, you reject reality in the heat of the pursuit. Your debt with yourself, you have no more hope left, yet you keep on trying, you keep on believing. The shadow of failure has long past and the pain that will come is increasing exponentially. Its funny, when you step out of the hole you have dug, you see where it is going, basically how it is pointless. Yet you hop back in and keep on digging. We lose all reason in the hole, constantly seeing both the good and the bad outcomes, yet only accepting the good ones. But why is that when we are outside the hole that we go back into this state of mind that in the end just hurts us in the long run. All of us feel we can control our actions and make good decisions from our experiences and logic, yet we still go back to digging in the hole, losing ourselves until we climb up the latter and take a look at the situation. Why can’t we just stop digging and fill it back in, plant some see, water it, and let it grow so it blends in with its surroundings and we get to forget about it. I want so bad to throw down the shovel, to start doing something upward, rather than downward. But I don’t. I am here being rational, outside of the hole peering into it and seeing where I have gone, but in a few minutes I am going to go back. I am going to try harder than I did on the last foot and the foot before it, with the same old shovel, and come out again asking myself the same question. Why can’t I just forget about it. However, I don’t think it’s a question about forgetting about this, its more of how can I find something new to take the place of the dirt, to possible fill it in and make me feel complete again. The dirt I tossed out is long gone, its up there above me somewhere in the field, out in the wind, or maybe someone else is using it to mend there hole, who knows. I just sit here thinking about my hole, what has been going on for the past few months, wanting so badly for me to get what I want so I can climb out of this hole for good, not even having to mend it, leaving it to look back on to see what I have gained. But that to seems so far away and desolate, away from what I have in front of me. Everyone has their hole or holes, some deeper, some wider, some forgotten, some mended. But mine, mine is unique like everyone else’s. I can look back on mine and mine own and see my past, just as you can. So maybe when I go back I will talk to her tomorrow and things will work out. I will throw down my shovel, leave my sweat and pain inside and come out with all that I have given, given back. Maybe, just maybe. I don’t like it outside, to much… heartache you could say, so now its time to go back. Come out again and evaluate a little and go back in. But as I always conclude, I will never be able to come out of this hole or any hole leaving part of me inside, if I do, I won’t be me, I’ll be someone else living life the way it wasn’t supposed to be lived.

Couldn't sleep again, thought id just write a little

Wonderful , I actually can associate with alot from this. Again, great job.

guess you and I are the only ones feelin this way here

[edit on 4-7-2005 by tondo]

It's pretty hard to read when it's all in one clump like that, but I can unerstand where you are comeing from. But if we give up, then what is there left to do? Sit and waste away and watch FOX news? I for one will constantly be digging, and uhm, planting stuff.

Great work I enjoyed reading this, and i look forward to more..

Amazing. You have quite the intellect, although I will not say Wisdom. It crosses all the boundries of the Physcological, "Norm" And is based in a Severe Manifestation of Bound Emotions. It shows the Drop-to-the-ground feeling of the weight pressed upon us every day in our experiences with society. And how we cope with it. It's Amazing, in a Cryptic way.

Kind of like saying that we are blind and in this blindness accept the lies of our reality and world just because they are the only ones that we know.

How is your life anyway? Everywere you turn is a dead end, weather you search for something or not.

I figure that the meaning of life is what you make it, such as, well, a writer. But somewere in my subconciouse Im telling myself thats not true.

Many people cant stand to live with themselves because they are not perfect and the matrial things that they buy such as cars of cell phones or sheats ar perfect, mabey thats why we consume so much (Afluenza). And everything around us and the economy is saying how perfect everything is but us, with is the one natural thing left in our lives, and we cant stand to live with that because we are not perfect.

I think I understand were you are, or were your not, because I find myself saying I dont know. But thats why its natural in man to learn and to grow.

Do you feal unsecure?

You cant stop being your self wich is good, and DONT blend in, thats what sociaty is expecting from you and wants. Divercity.

Sometimes you wish that there is something ells out there, a better world, one that you cant explain, in fact I write about were I beleave I belong in this seperate world, in my dreams, but the people of this reality keep following me into my dreams and turning tham black so that I cannot go back. And the only way to isit this place is to write.

If the end of the world is coming weather now or later, I realize that Patiance is KEY> and that it is the road not the destination, the destination only drives you in the direction (Buddhist philosofy).

Music will speak to you, even the God preached of it.
...
Its 3:33 in the morning. It seams like things come to me in the morning, early morning though, mabey because my mind is freash and not full of sleap... and still hungry.

You are in a point of reflection in your life, or point in time.

The throughing down of the shovle repreasents a realease or breaking free of something, mabey you couldnt stand something or something had been up.

We werent meant to be here, this sociaty is ran by men, our lives working mainly for a great sorce or power, everyone contributes to it. We werent meant to live like this, like numbers in a byast world of war and unatural creations, taking away at who we really are.

We often get caught up in many fasions and ways of life and want to fit in, and we lose ourselves. I know so many lost people, lind of there even being lost.

You must do something about what you mean, for your thoughts mean nothing untill they are put into some form of action or doing, or not doing.
For not doing is doing (Buddhist Philosofy)

And so now I have read your paper. Did you write it all at once, like a long 'train of thought', damnit I hate metafores. You know pieces of your past lives affton come out of thigs like this and many other ways.

I like it. =)

[edit on 9-7-2005 by The Surrealist]

I realize that there must be a woman in your life that is troubling you. That misunderstood pain in your hart, solemn and brused and tired, yet ready to shock like a hartattack at any disturbance. Some times it turns into anger, but your so mently anguished and weary that you cannot argue really or fight back... Look at the desk and think pointlessly.
I dont know if anyof this is what is going on in your life because I only wrote it at 12:49 in the morning. PM

Brother: What is a man whith out his meat.

The first idia was the idia of creation, and then creation itself. Or in some order.

Fealing the pain, were is the salt, it seams that is the only way to heal it at times.

IRONICK DISAGREAMENT: My god can beat up your god any day, then heed have to go suiside.

Again, I must say that that is absoloutely amazing. The thought that was presented, absoloute Awe.

Thanks for guys! Glad to see poeple seeing beyond the words, always a plus.