Groaners II

My grandfather said "When I was a kid, I could go into the grocery store with a quarter, and come out with a loaf of bread, butter, eggs and bacon. But now they have those damn cameras everywhere!"

Why does every female roofer like Beyonce?
Because they're all the shingle ladies.

Did you know you can get into trouble for laughing in Hawaii?
It's a-lo-"ha" state.

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to hold the penis...I mean LADDER! One to hold the ladder.

I had to go to the Social Security office yesterday. I had to wait over two hours, because Satan was ahead of me, and the devil takes many forms.

Pavarotti was singing in the shower and he got shampoo in his mouth. It turned into a soap opera!

My friend Bob always wears wrinkled shirts. He has no sense of irony.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain today?” And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.” That was when I realized I’d left my phone on airplane mode.