A few groaners...

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.

Q; What do you call a bipartisan bill legalizing medical marijuana for use in alleviating symptoms of arthritis?
A: Joint support for joint support for joint support.

I was at the grocery store yesterday. When I approached the check out, a guy arrived there at the exact moment I did. I noticed he was Native American, so I said "Go ahead, you were here first."

Q; What did the preacher say at Uncle Ben's funeral?
A: "No more Mr Rice Guy."

Doctor speaking to fat guy: The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

Q; How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but they have to be told 50 times.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I was a touch overweight and my doctor said "don't eat anything fatty". And I said "do you mean fatty foods"? And he said "no I said don't eat anything. Fatty".
I wish I could download videos because the best one liners by a guy called Gary Delaney, a touch dirty but quite good.

Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change the light bulb in my basement?
A: More than 12 apparently.

Q: Did you hear archeologists unearthed the first lesbian dinosaur?
A: They named it the Lickalottapuss.

I adopted a legless dog. Taking it for a walk is a real drag.

Did you hear the new Helen Keller joke?
Neither did she.

Procrastinator's protest chant:
What do we want!
Change!
When do we want it!
Maybe tomorrow!

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, .....

in front of your door? - Matt
hanging on your wall? -Art
in a hole? -Phil
in a pool" -Bob

Haha. Those were pretty good. I'll join in. I heard these on a VSauce clip yesterday.

- Taylor Swift is named after Einstein. 110 years after.
- The human species will not go extinct in your life time.
- If you name your cat neft and cover yourself in tuna you can get free neft-lix (Netflix).
- Their are three erors in this sentence.
- You could live the entire rest of your life underwater.
- Liometopum occidentale eggs are fantastic for your health, and why wouldn't they be, they're full of new tree ants.
- A stopped clock is right twice a day. A clock that loses just one second a year is right just every 43,200 years. So it's better to quit than be running a little bit behind.

originally posted by: crayzeed
I was a touch overweight and my doctor said "don't eat anything fatty". And I said "do you mean fatty foods"? And he said "no I said don't eat anything. Fatty".
I wish I could download videos because the best one liners by a guy called Gary Delaney, a touch dirty but quite good.

He's among the best! At one of his shows, he opened with this one:
"The last time I was here, I met a very pretty girl who wanted to have sex, but I had to disappoint her. We had sex."

GROAN!!!! 🤣🤣

Thanks for making me laugh today!

How many Trump aides does it take to screw in a light bulb.

50. One to screw it is and 49 to leave and right a book about it.

a reply to: BingoMcGoof

How many chronic TDS sufferers does it take to kill a fun thread?

Way to go Terry

a reply to: underpass61

a reply to: underpass61

How many Trumpians cannot appreciate a good joke when it mentions their hero. One maybe? Two? More?

Here's the thing Under. A couple of years ago there was one of those roasts, I forget who, Bruce Willis maybe. Anyway one of the roasters was Ann Coulter. She was the only out and out Trump supporters on the stage. All the other roasters did their bits including their bits about her and her conservatism. And the crowd roared, certainly most being liberal.

But she finally got her chance and began delivering some of the funniest stuff I heard that day, she had me rolling but the crowd? Not, they were all offended, stuck in their political bias with no hope of finding the funny in anything she said. Sad really.

So, thinking that on a conservative website certainly there could be some bipartisan appreciation for an old joke I used to use about the the Moonies, that cult I was in in the 70s. So as I was typing it I decided to insert Trump instead of Moon, thinking it would be a bit more topical. I guess I was wrong huh?

So , in that light, how about this one.

Did you know that there is a new 12 step program for Trump to help stop his rambling speeches? It's called On-inon-inon.

a reply to: BingoMcGoof

TL/DR

Nobody's reading your butthurt ramblings Terry

I bet Trump did something new to offend you today - have you checked your OMB feeds?

Keep obsessing - it's a good look for you

a reply to: BingoMcGoof

when Trump kidnapped you, and sold you to the aliens, did they use the big probe, or the really, really big probe?

Folks on Uranus want to know.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Democrat Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like, and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Female to male transgender surgery is called an Addadicktome

originally posted by: underpass61
a reply to: BingoMcGoof

How many chronic TDS sufferers does it take to kill a fun thread?

Way to go Terry

Now, in Terry's defense, the thread is titled "Groaners".

Technically I think he met the criteria.

originally posted by: ColeYounger2
Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Democrat Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like, and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Unless it's an illegal - then you pay for yours AND his.

Please Stop with the Harris Jokes.
You Spelled Her Name Wrong.

a reply to: BingoMcGoof

How many time in a 24 Hour Period does Kamala Cackle ?
Who Knows and Who the Hell Cares.

a reply to: ColeYounger2