Advice needed. I'm stressed out

a reply to: CaptainHook

I don't think he wants custody. If he does, its only to keep from the child support obligation. In most states joint custody is the arrangement.

a reply to: KKLOCO

That is largely dependent upon what state you are in, what ages the children are.

Joint custody is the goal here in CA. Support based on a formula. She could actually end up paying him.

a reply to: CaptainHook

Aye captain. Divorce him. When I was married to my 1st wife and she pulled stunts like him. I always thought she had allergies. Post divorce by brothers said she was a coke head.

It cost me six figures to get rid of her. I have since recovered financially decades ago.

She was a narcissistic sociopath who had a guy on the side before and during my marriage. We never had children and looking back, wonderful and thank you.

It will get worse. Get a lawyer and file while he is still employed as his next ploy will be to get fired.

a reply to: CaptainHook

Spousal abuse is no longer considered just physical; emotional abuse is rampant in our society, so you already have grounds for divorce-especially if he also does it to the kids.

Document it by taping his tirades. Line up any witnesses to his abusive behavior.

He has the financial means to support his family but chooses not to with wasteful spending; that's also considered abuse. Hang on to all the past-due notices for proof.

Call a woman's crisis center and talk to them. This is their specialty and they will help you set up an escape plan and map out a path forward.

The fact that you knew what he is by being with him for thirteen years before marrying him suggests that he has already destroyed your self esteem. A crisis center will also help you get it back, along with helping you discover how people allow themselves into this trap so you can break the cycle and make better choices going forward.

I escaped a fifteen year hell much like you've described, but that was back before we had crisis centers for women. I had to repeat the same mistakes two more times before I learned it wasn't them; it was me. The crisis center helped me figure out what was wrong with my approach to life, and I'm about as close to heaven on earth as a person can get now.

It's NOT your fault. Coming from generational and abusive alcoholics like you did (and choosing to be an abstainer) we already grow up very broken. Only you can fix that, and I suggest you check out ALANON-even if it's just online. You can also research 'Dependent Personality Disorder' and see if anything fits.

There is a lot of help out there for you if you're ready to take the first step by reaching out.

I wish you all the best life has to offer and the strength to overcome and move forward.

Looks like you have a decision to make.

I think you already have.

Time for a come to Jesus talk.

He obviously doesn’t love you or the kids.

You married someone who never heard the word no.

I suggest you teach it to him.

a reply to: CaptainHook

Honey, please listen to me.

The sooner you dump that loser that sooner you can move on with the life you are meant to lead.
It sounds like you are organized in mind and spirit and ready to be an adult.
Your husband sounds like a massive man child.

I was married to one at one time. I know when the final piece of my heart was shredded. We were always broke even though we both worked like crazy. We didn't have a lot of groceries and he ate the last of my sons cereal. I lost it. Let me tell you, you don't ever want a Gemini to lose it on you because the words will cut through your soul, and I'm sure it did.

Fast forward. I married a man, a REAL man. One that is a real partner and one that takes care of business. It doesn't mean you won't have struggles, but it WILL mean that you will both be fighting for the same cause.

I want you to look outside of yourself, look at your situation like a friend would. How would your friend feel, what would they suggest. I have a feeling you already know. It helps to have validation from others on here, but in the end it's your choice.

a reply to: CaptainHook

I realize money talks, but sounds like it will only get worse. If it hasn't changed by now (for his child and wife) it won't. It took me a few years to realize what a narcissist even was, I didn't know. Then I thought it would get better, but it did not. Believe me, you do not want to stay in a situation like this because it only gets worse over time.

You might talk to him and ask if he would be willing to go to counseling about money/marriage, but if not...sadly I would have to say try a get a job, save enough to get a place for you and the child, and if possible don't let on every dollar you make or they will spend it too. If by some chance you go to a good church and have someone there you can trust to talk to...I would recommend that also. Maybe they could pray with you for guidance before you do anything and then maybe they could even help find resources.

YOU NEED TO FIND A GOOD ALANON MEETING, LIKE 10 YEARS AGO.


You have recreated the alcoholism environment you've tried to avoid by not drinking.

Your husband is delusional. His pride and ego will not allow him to admit he has no answers, and has no idea how to fix this situation.

FIRST thing I would do, is find a GOOD ALANON meeting, and get a good sponsor and start working a solution, instead of continuing to live in fear with no solution.

a reply to: CaptainHook

I would also like to say, there is some pretty bad advice on here, from what I have read so far.

Also some pretty good advice.

Many responders have neglected to remember he has a mom who is well off, who can fund any legal adventures for her own purposes.

He may no want custody, but she might WANT him to have custody.

I'll say it again... GO TO ALANON FAMILY GROUP MEETINGS. Find a GOOD AFG meeting, get a sponsor with some experience, and start getting well yourself.

You have known for a long time, your husband has problems being a man of integrity. Alanon will help you get and create a real YOU, that you can be proud of. Let them help you.



a reply to: CaptainHook

a reply to: worldstarcountry

Holy crap man. Sure, the dude sounds like a lazy POS.

But did you really recommend she murder her husband?!?!?

That’s taking it too far….

a reply to: KKLOCO
I suppose it is an extreme response that should be considered at the bottom of options, but it is an option. These types of relationships that have come to this level though, with the kind of power dynamic in play. IMO, someone's safety and very life may be in danger. Self preservation should leave out no options.

Be strong. Save up a hidden stash of money. Pack those suitcases when he is at work and leave(use UBER). Take the game machine and games to sell on eBay with you. Move in with your mother. Get divorce lawyer and get child support while he is employed. Sign up for the government programs for single mothers. Get a job with healthcare. It may take a year or two to get your feet under you… but in the long term you and your two kids can build a new stable mature life. Get help from women shelter and local churches if you need it. Drunk men don’t belong around precious children. People don’t change their behaviors either. He hasn’t hit rock bottom, and you don’t need to be there for that. You have a right to be safe and you don’t want you or your kids to be physically hurt from a drunk person. He also will probably die early from a cancer related to cigarettes and alcohol in life. Run away now! Never go back. You also don’t want your kids to see all that self destructive behaviors. Your job is to protect and raise those kids in a stable environment. The Maid on Netflix was an excellent example of a woman in your situation. Be thankful your mother is alive and able and willing to help you. That’s a blessing!

originally posted by: Waterglass
a reply to: CaptainHook



It cost me six figures to get rid of her.

I would have did it for 5.

a reply to: Soloprotocol

NOT. Her dream was have me as her "made man" husband. I had yoouse guys at our wedding.