Why do we subconsciously seek out the wrong Partner?

a reply to: TDDAgain

I’m not saying she is a bad person, but the actions are the actions.
They are also clear signs of narcissist abuse. I can only go by what Cymru provides as an example.


-withholding affection
-gaslighting
-really making a person believe you love them then ghost them
-emotional blackmail

a reply to: Cymru
You are not alone. I had to leave a toxic relationship that I was in for two years in February. Stop making this your fault. I know it hurts, but quit beating yourself up over her bulls--t she tried to serve to you. You will meet the right one, it takes time. Right now, focus on yourself. You will improve. Knowledge is key.

originally posted by: JAGStorm

We do not subconsciously seek out the wrong partner.

Some people might seek out the wrong partner because deep down they truly don’t want to commit.

That's one heck of a contradiction.

What about "Deja-Vu", that Freudian curse that gets so many trapped in dark places because of messed up parents and a distorted view of reality because of them?

originally posted by: Cymru
a reply to: JAGStorm

I love the bones of the Woman.
I’m beginning to think it’s Her not me but thats cold comfort.
She has a new job and we were only discussing moving north a week ago.
Hence my confusion.

She has a new job?

Is it important to her?

a reply to: JAGStorm

They are also clear signs of narcissist abuse. I can only go by what Cymru provides as an example.

You got that all from the few sentences Cymru shared? Bit histrionic reaction, but that's just my viewpoint. You're jumping several guns here at the same time.

-withholding affection

if there is none anymore to give, it is not narcistic. One can not give affection when the reason for giving it does not exist anymore.

-gaslighting

That's not gaslighting, again histrionic over the top. Gaslighting is something completely different and is an ongoing action. To say I love you today and tomorrow not, is not gaslighting.

-really making a person believe you love them then ghost them

Not being ready or able to talk about the topic is not ghosting. Ghosting is when one removes itself completely from another one's life from one moment to another and actively preventing any contact possible (ignoring, blocking etc).

-emotional blackmail

Can you explain why you think that? Have you considered the surrounding of that conversation? We don't know OPs reaction, we don't know if it all got too much for her in the moment. When you have nothing to say to someone because you are unsure internally, head against heart, then that's not emotional blackmail.

Geez!

a reply to: Cymru
By screening, do you mean blocking or do you mean she is busy with the phone when you want to talk with her?

If it means blocking then JAG has valid points. I just noticed that screening both translates to "shielding" (dictionary) and "using a screen (monitor, literally translated)".

a reply to: TDDAgain

You got that all from the few sentences Cymru shared? Bit histrionic reaction, but that's just my viewpoint. You're jumping several guns here at the same time.

If we take what Cymu shared, seems there is a pattern.

Suddenly she is too busy to talk

we were only discussing moving north a week ago.

She won’t even talk about it.
Wales me up to say she loves me one week and dark the next.

Saw me through a few hospital visits and a few days in.

Hot cold, hot cold, hot cold. There is a pattern.
"Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind."

Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation. Getting someone to fall in love with you, and to care for them and then to take it away, leaving them hurt and powerless.

a reply to: JAGStorm
I only see hot-cold here. Last week hot, this week cold. If that repeats, then you have a point. About the other stuff, note my follow up post.

originally posted by: Cymru
I’m at a loss here, ATS Colleagues.
The Woman who I thought I loved has just gone dark on me.
Only nine months I grant you but this sudden “ its all off” scenario leaves me bereft.
Only last week we were at the Rugby (even though Wales lost.)
Suddenly she is too busy to talk and screening messages/calls.
I dared to imagine she was the one but now find myself heartbroken again.
Is it me? Even the jukebox hates me. Everywhere I look reminds me of her.

Man up pal .. weak men are making the planet a mess .. she’s a woman and they are all mad as fck one way or another .. be glad you haven’t any children with her and move on 👍

originally posted by: Cymru
a reply to: JAGStorm

I love the bones of the Woman.
I’m beginning to think it’s Her not me but thats cold comfort.
She has a new job and we were only discussing moving north a week ago.
Hence my confusion.

It’s a commitment test, to see how much you can’t live without her.

a reply to: Cymru

New job, new guy?
The excitement of a new job & new, interesting people. Maybe one is paying too much attention to her & making her feel really special? He could be a player, or a slime ball that just doesn’t care if she is in a relationship. If that’s what happened, better to have it happen now, rather than a couple of years from now. If she can be distracted that easily, do you really want to worry about it happening again? Maybe she is feeling guilty, that’s why she doesn’t want to talk about it? Just make sure that you don’t let her waltz back into your life, when the newness & novelty wear off! You deserve better than that!

Our church requires pre marriage classes. One of the speakers said, “There are millions of eligible, single people in the world. Are you satisfied that you have found the right one for you?” Thought provoking to say the least!
Love is great, but without respect & communication, it won’t last. Don’t settle for less than you deserve!

WOQ

originally posted by: JAGStorm

originally posted by: Cymru
a reply to: TDDAgain

This is what hurts.
I love her implicitly but that seems not to be enough.
She won’t even talk about it.
Wales me up to say she loves me one week and dark the next.

Is she perhaps Bipolar?

Or a Narcissist that likes to Love Bomb and then take it away, leaving you all confused?

The whole point of a relationship is to try people on.
When you go shopping, do you buy every piece of clothing you like without trying it on? You get it home and wear it out even though it doesn't fit?

They were not married......9 months together.
It sounds like you believe that the lady in question should stay regardless of how she feels......just so she doesn't hurt anyone.....she should sacrifice herself?

a reply to: Dalamax
If its a test, She wins hands down.

a reply to: Cymru
We subconsciously pick people that are like our first love......your mother or father!

Which is great if you had a loving family......not so great if you come from a dysfunctional family.

a reply to: Itisnowagain

They were not married......9 months together.
It sounds like you believe that the lady in question should stay regardless of how she feels......just so she doesn't hurt anyone.....she should sacrifice herself?

9 months together with shared love, they sounded close. It might not seem like a lot of time but it's more than enough to warrant an explanation, some actual closure if the relationship is truly ending.

Cymru? You could rack your brains for a long time trying to find answers and in the end will that bring forgiveness for the way you're feeling? Sometimes it's easier to just accept that maybe you didn't know someone as well as you thought you did and move on.

We idolise when in love, when things like this happen we'd needn't walk away with negativity. I genuinely hope things are good for you moving forward.

a reply to: Cymru

Going dark is the worst, it seems to be a thing these days. At least it was 9 months and not after 9 years of your life.

If you have no idea what’s wrong then nobody else does. Only she can say. I can only say in the long run you’re better off without her, it’s best not to over think it and move on.

a reply to: RAY1990

This is the thing, I idolised her prior to falling in love.
She really is that special.
I tried not to and even remember the first time I said I love you.

a reply to: Itisnowagain

They were not married......9 months together. It sounds like you believe that the lady in question should stay regardless of how she feels......just so she doesn't hurt anyone.....she should sacrifice herself?

Absolutely not, but just going offline with no word isn’t acceptable.
Nine months is long enough to at least let someone know why you don’t want to stick around.

Maybe I’m old fashioned and believe in decency.

a reply to: Cymru

You are over 50 yrs of age. Surely you have had the experience of being dumped before. How did you handle it then?

a reply to: olaru12

Thanks for that.
Dumped is a strong phrase.
Different now as I loved the Woman.
Experience made me cautious but She punched through that to the n’th degree and then some.