Funny one-liners, two-liners, and short jokes

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.


‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank with me.


When I was 10, I had a lemonade stand. I would give the first glass away free, and charge ten dollars for the second glass. The second glass contained the antidote.


If you’re being chased by a taxidermist, you probably shouldn't play dead.


The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages. At least, I think that’s what he said.


I wouldn't be surprised if the first horse that was ever ridden said "What the hell do you think you're doing?"


Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that the fewer people want to talk to me.


When I was a kid, we had a calculator with no 'X' button. Times were hard.


I'm very religious. Now if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday and read the bible faithfully, I'm not religious in that sense. But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... again, no.


I can tell if a person is judgmental just by looking at them.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. At my job, I have a work station.


The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.


To err is human, to blame it on somebody else takes a manager.


I was going to join the debate team, but somebody talked me out of it.



I'm going to write a mystery novel… or am I?



I’m terrible with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. I think there’s a name for it.


Red sky at night: Light of shorter wavelength being dissipated by water vapor and atmospheric dust. Red sky in morning: the same.

a reply to: ColeYounger

I had a wookie steak last night.

It was a little Chewie.

a reply to: ColeYounger


A frog walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "hey we have a drink named after you!".

The frog says, "you got a drink named Steve?".

a reply to: ColeYounger

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

a reply to: ColeYounger

How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop ice cream, two scoops dead baby.

a reply to: Alien Abduct

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

It depends how hard you throw them.


How many babies can you fit in a coffee can?

3 1/2


What's pink and sizzles and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

What pronouns do the Illuminati prefer?

They/them

a reply to: ColeYounger

There once was a member named Cole
Who set for us all quite a goal
So here's one with rhyme
That is really sublime
Mr, Cole Youngers jokes were quite droll

Did you hear about the man who walked into a second hand store to get one for his watch?

Where can you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?

De-calf-inated.

Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen.

a reply to: ColeYounger

If you have one big green ball in one hand...and another big green ball in the other hand...
What do you have?

The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant.

a reply to: ColeYounger

I liked the first one. Made me chuckle. I've got one....


What do you call a lesbian dinosuar?


Lickalottapuss

a reply to: ColeYounger

How many black Americans voted for Trump in 2020?

None...If they didn't vote for Biden..."they ain't black".

a reply to: ColeYounger

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

what do you call a guy with no arms, and no legs :

in a hole? = Phil
On a wall? = Art
in front of a door? =Matt
In the water? =Bob
holding up a car? =Jack

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

'Twas in a restaurant they met,
Romeo and Juliette
He had no cash to pay the debt,
So Romee owed what Julie et.


There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice could rise higher and higher
Till it reached such a height
It went clear out of sight
But they found it next day in the spire


We knew a young fellow named Rick
Who fancied himself rather slick
He attended the ball
Wearing nothing at all
But a big yellow bow on his...collar

a reply to: ColeYounger
Heard during a game of Call of Cthulhu where investigators are checking out the house of a supposed cult member:

Bad guy NPC: "We don't like people sniffing around our members."

Player: "You can rest assured that the last thing we intend to do is sniff your member."

This was followed by stunned silence as both GM and other players digested what he just said, then came lots of laughter.