I Apologize and I Love All of You

Hey ATS, I did some Soul searching tonight and thought deeply about all I've said and how I've felt about everyone.

I realize now that I have been corrupted by my resentment and I blamed every human alive for not meeting my way high standards.
See even I cannot meet those standards, so what am I going to hate myself too?

I have been a very mean individual lately and I am deeply sorry to everyone.
I Love All of You.

That's who I really am deep inside.
Love - not Hate.

I do not want to live my life in angst and disdain.
My goal is to be Happy and Thankful for Life.
The ONLY way to get there is by atoning for my mistakes and embracing who I really am - Love.

I get so stressed and frustrated because I expect perfection from everyone including myself, I always continually raise that bar and demand more and more and more.

Maybe enough IS enough finally.

Maybe it's time I Surrender to all of you instead of trying to make you capitulate to my demands?

So I'm truly deeply sorry for being such a jerk.
I am sorry I said I hated you.
I DON'T!!!

I Love All of You with All of My Heart!
And I'm going to try my hardest to remember this moment of clarity and to stick to it through all the storms and trials and tribulations and all of your words and ideas that bother me so much.

You don't have to be anything except YOU.
I don't care what you believe or think - we all change our minds.
I don't care how you treated me in the past or even today - it's fleeting and doesn't represent who YOU TRULY ARE EITHER.

I am Happy Loving You just the way You are, no matter how screwed up or aggravating it may be.
I am so Thankful You exist and can be a part of my Life!

I Love All of You!!!!

a reply to: OtherSideOfTheCoin

Hey man, I want to apologize to you especially here in this thread.

Not for us fighting today per se, but for how I've felt about and treated you all these years.

I didn't realize it till today when I articulated my feelings about you - I said I hated you passionately because of something really mean and cruel you said to me years ago.

Well I Forgive you brother, and I Love You SOOOO MUCH!!!!
And I often do think you are brilliant though my anger and resentment caused me to hide it and even deny it to myself any time I found myself liking your ideas.

You don't have to and I don't expect anything - but I want to ask for Your Forgiveness for my trash attitude towards you all these years since that day you scarred me.

You inspired this thread.
Thank You!

This is what Life is All About.
Love...
Breaking those chains that bind you.
Freeing your Soul from this Hell!

a reply to: muzzleflash

You live in one of those newly legalized states don't you?

a reply to: dug88

Come on man, the guy is obviously working through some things and bearing his heart and soul.

We love you too Muzzleflash...hit me up in messages if you want someone to talk to.

originally posted by: dug88
a reply to: muzzleflash

You live in one of those newly legalized states don't you?

Where else would I want to live?

It hasn't been 4:20 in days tho.
My clock seems broken...

Hmmmm I need a watchmaker.

originally posted by: IAMALLYETALLIAM
a reply to: dug88

Come on man, the guy is obviously working through some things and bearing his heart and soul.

We love you to Muzzleflash...hit me up in messages if you want someone to talk to.

Thank you buddy!

Love All of You and it makes me SO HAPPY to express it!

a reply to: muzzleflash

Don’t fall for New Age crap, muzzle. It’s not all “one-ness and love” and stuff. We are to love others. We aren’t supposed to just be cool with everything all the time. It’s ok to stand up to bullish!t.

I admire your character and strength to be able to post what you did. But th err ARE some wrong things afoot in the world.

originally posted by: KansasGirl
a reply to: muzzleflash

Don’t fall for New Age crap, muzzle. It’s not all “one-ness and love” and stuff. We are to love others. We aren’t supposed to just be cool with everything all the time. It’s ok to stand up to bullish!t.

I admire your character and strength to be able to post what you did. But th err ARE some wrong things afoot in the world.

Hello wonderful kind person I admire very much,

I agree that you should never ever accept evil or wrong-ness.

But I want to bring you the GOOD NEWS that you don't have to Hate anyone or anything.
We can bring Good to the world with the Good in our Hearts.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

If God can forgive all of us than I'm going to take the advice and try it out too!

I am reclaiming my personal Power which is my birthright.
Open your Heart and look deep all the way down to the Core.

Way deep down in there is the Throne of God.
That is the source of All Love and you are the Temple of the Holy 1.

The Heart... the greatest gift of All.

originally posted by: muzzleflash
Hey ATS, I did some Soul searching tonight and thought deeply about all I've said and how I've felt about everyone.

I realize now that I have been corrupted by my resentment and I blamed every human alive for not meeting my way high standards.
See even I cannot meet those standards, so what am I going to hate myself too?

I have been a very mean individual lately and I am deeply sorry to everyone.
I Love All of You.

That's who I really am deep inside.
Love - not Hate.

I do not want to live my life in angst and disdain.
My goal is to be Happy and Thankful for Life.
The ONLY way to get there is by atoning for my mistakes and embracing who I really am - Love.

I get so stressed and frustrated because I expect perfection from everyone including myself, I always continually raise that bar and demand more and more and more.

Maybe enough IS enough finally.

Maybe it's time I Surrender to all of you instead of trying to make you capitulate to my demands?

So I'm truly deeply sorry for being such a jerk.
I am sorry I said I hated you.
I DON'T!!!

I Love All of You with All of My Heart!
And I'm going to try my hardest to remember this moment of clarity and to stick to it through all the storms and trials and tribulations and all of your words and ideas that bother me so much.

You don't have to be anything except YOU.
I don't care what you believe or think - we all change our minds.
I don't care how you treated me in the past or even today - it's fleeting and doesn't represent who YOU TRULY ARE EITHER.

I am Happy Loving You just the way You are, no matter how screwed up or aggravating it may be.
I am so Thankful You exist and can be a part of my Life!

I Love All of You!!!!

You’ve never offended me in any way but your message moved me. I also had to do some soul searching several years ago and I like you grew a lot as a result. I may not know you but I love you to brother (gender assumed lol).

a reply to: KansasGirl

I hope to set an example, though that wasn't my intention when posting. My intention was to free myself from my hatred, my chains.

We are all flawed, we all make mistakes, we are all at different places in our minds and understandings, and no one has much actual knowledge in the end.

We are essentially ignorant and blind.

So Forgiveness is warranted and definitely necessary.
And so is Atonement and Repentance.

How else could I break the chains of Hatred that bound me in the pits of burning Hell?

a reply to: ManSizedSquirrel

Hahaha, thanks!

Maybe you haven't been around ATS long enough?

Virtually everyone here has hated me at least once.
And I too them as well most likely, hahaha!

I find it exceptionally rare that someone here hasn't been totally displeased with me yet.
Especially lately because I've been on a bit of a vengeful rampage.

a reply to: muzzleflash
I actually lurked since 2008 lol, I’m embarrassed to admit that but I’m glad it’s off my chest. Regardless of arguments I’ve had on here I can’t hate anyone. That’s a privilege reserved for a select few in my non ats life. Regardless, it’s cool to see you unburden yourself. It’s not the easiest thing to do.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Good thoughts, friend. No, we don’t have to and aren’t supposed to hate anyone. I hope that I don’t harbor hate in my heart. I don’t think that I do, but I can deceive myself. I pray every day for help in loving others. I’ll add you in there with me too in those prayers. ❤️

a reply to: muzzleflash

We love you to mate.

And all the manic episodes that come with you .

We are in the end only human.

originally posted by: muzzleflash
a reply to: ManSizedSquirrel

Hahaha, thanks!

Maybe you haven't been around ATS long enough?

Virtually everyone here has hated me at least once.
And I too them as well most likely, hahaha!

I've been around ATS long enough.
I don't recall ever hating you or being hated by you.

a reply to: muzzleflash

Good for the soul brother!

My "Hate" did not come from anything anyone said per se.
It didn't come from disagreements or politics or anything like that.

My hate came from my anger about being abandoned and left to die.
Which first happened when I was 6 months old.

Both my parents abandoned me and when my grandfather found me I was nearly dead. I then was in a hospital for about a month and they saved me. They said I was as thin as toothpicks and dehydrated.

I don't remember this.
But I always FEEL IT.

I met my mother 3 times and she showed me NO LOVE at all. She was garbage and selfish and terrible. She was abusive and condescending and constantly lying about everything and would refuse to apologize and make up with me.

I tried so hard to get her to finally just LOVE me and hug me and make it OK finally.

She was terrible, and I'll never speak to her again.
Her choice because I keep trying to reach out.

She's a mentally disturbed person that has been an alcoholic and junkie all her life. She's in my mind, the most disgusting person to ever exist. To me.

So this huge massive experience molded all my perceptions for my whole life.

I always sought Love and always felt Rejection and Abandonment.
I always failed in Love and never got anywhere fast.

I would fall in Love with women at first sight and then get crapped on hard.
Over and over and over.
I have probably fallen in Love a thousand times and lost every single time.

This pressure and stress mounts and unravels me. It rekindles the resentment and anger.
She left me to die. And I never had the Love I needed to be normal.

I still struggle with this internal disposition in combination with all the thousand problems I accrued after that fateful day when I was just a little baby.

This made me a fierce protector of children and a major supporter of keeping families together.
It made me against drinking and against all these junkie drugs.
It made me against anything I thought represented my mother and father and the way they live their lives.

In my mind, I'm unlovable.
That's why I always try so hard.

I tried hard in school and got top grades always, was the quarterback and can still out throw any of you with stunning accuracy, could run faster than anyone of any racial origin, would fight all the kids and whoop em or at least force a draw, I always had to be first in everything and then try even harder than that.

Why?? Because I just wanted 1 person to love me. That's it.
Like how hard do I have to try?
Everyone else seemed to get love so easily without a struggle and I was always so jealous and resentful and eventually very hateful.

My own "wife" of 12 years, we argued and fought from day 1. For that long!
I was so angry at her for not fulfilling my wishes and for not meeting my standards.
I was SO HORRIBLE to her none of you have a clue.

I apologized to her for all of it like 1000 times and now we are actually really good friends. It's weird. She's the most amazing person and one of my best friends though we don't talk too much due to various life circumstances. There is ZERO hate or animosity between her and I, and I couldn't be more thankful to know someone as intelligent and reasonable and forgiving as her. She's happy with her old teenage boyfriend now and I"m happy for her!

It was all because of the abandonment rejection issue that I've been facing all my life and cannot seem to get a grip on very well. It's difficult because I don't even remember it, it's only a "Feeling" and it's extremely powerful and overwhelming sometimes.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: muzzleflash
a reply to: ManSizedSquirrel

Hahaha, thanks!

Maybe you haven't been around ATS long enough?

Virtually everyone here has hated me at least once.
And I too them as well most likely, hahaha!

I've been around ATS long enough.
I don't recall ever hating you or being hated by you.

Good point.
I think we have been on good terms the whole time huh?

I am a bit surprised you haven't hated me though.
I expect that from everyone after I unleash my anger.

Thanks for somehow staying neutral with me.
Hehehe

originally posted by: asabuvsobelow
a reply to: muzzleflash

We love you to mate.

And all the manic episodes that come with you

.

We are in the end only human.

I am a bit of a manic maniac most of the time.
Thank you asabuv!

I'm so glad I posted this tonight.
I feel SO GOOD and can't stop smiling and gotta keep wiping my eyes hahah!

AMAZING GRACE!!!!