Dave Attell jokes

He's rude, crude, politically incorrect, and funny:


I think almost every young boy looks up to their dad, like he's Superman. I know I did. Then when I got older, I realized he was just a drunk who liked to wear a cape.

I wonder if the Amish smoke after sex? Probably a ham.
I like making fun of the Amish, because they're never going to find out!

I was on a date with this really hot girl. Like a super-model hot. Well, it wasn't really an official "date".
We ate dinner and watched a movie. Then the plane landed.

If you're walking down the street, and you see a naked man running full speed the other way, you'd better run with him, because there's gotta be some scary sh!t coming!

Be careful driving when you've had a few.. There are some people who don't approve of drinking and driving.
I call them "cops". I don't actually condone driving and drinking, but the kids have to get to school, right?

And speaking of laws, why is it OK for me to masturbate at home while I'm looking out the window, but if I masturbate while looking in my neighnor's window, it's a "problem".

Women think I'm a sexist pig, but I'm really very romantic. I like to cuddle.
Or as the police report said: Holding her down so she could'nt get away"