Failing a loved one with brain cancer

Hello, I dont really know how to write this thread and if there is any purpose other than trying to find and meet people who have been through similar arduos and depressing situations. My partner and soulmate and soon to be wife fell into a coma in October 2019, there was no prior signs of illness, she remained in a coma for 2 weeks during which she was having seizures and they found an abnormality on her brain. During this time the hospital informed us that they had found a tumor, the tumor was classed as aggressive and would require surgery if she awoke, on the 14th day of her coma I sat by her bedside and listened to



nothing changed and I went home devasted, then a few hours later I recieved a phone call that she had woken from her coma it was such a moment of relief but it was ultimatley tinged with great sadness as we as a family had been told of the severity of what was to come, I felt so sad at the prospect of my partner first realising she was awake and alive and happy, to then have to be told what they had found, they first had to ensure she was stable before informing her of the bleak news, this was to be done 2 days later.

My partner was told of the news and remained stoic as she always is, the hospital then performed brain surgery to remove of much of the tumor as they could, once they had completed the operation the tumor was graded, it came back as a grade 3 which ultimalty means there is no chance of a full recovery and is cancerous, the next stage (which we are currently undergoing) is radio therapy, the radio therapy is attempting to slow down the tumors growth, then chemo therapy will follow, all of this was happening in the run up to Christmas and the new decade, to say it has devasted my family is an understatement, we have had days and nights of crying and sheer terror at the prospect of her life being over before she is even 45, we have 2 children together and the youngest (aged 12)is autistic, we are trying to shield him from what is happening as we dont want him to be overwhelmed by this awful news.

The NHS at both Wythenshawe hospital ICU and Salford Royal have been nothing short of amazing with there dedication and care they have shown to my partner, I can not praise them enough, each and every member of staff is an angel and shown compassion and care to her on a daily basis.

The problem i am having is I feel I am failing my partner as during her coma I remained positive she would beat this and ensured a positive energy for all our family while she was comatose, but since we recieved the grading of the tumor I have fallen into a deep depression, I feel I am being so unfair to her as I need to be her rock and her strength, nothing I can do is shaking me out of this depression though, I have never been on anti depressents before and have an appointment at my own doctors next week, I believe they will merely offer me a tablet and send me on my way.

Has anyone else been in a simialr situation and how did you ensure you made your partners life special, she means the world to me and all my current thoughts are simply dark and depressing, how do I get back to being positive, how do I stop failing her and make her life wonderful in the time we have left. I have nothing but love for this woman and I think I am terrified of what is to come, the world has dealt this super lady a terrible hand and yet it is myself who is acting glum.

I love her with all my heart, I adore her as my equal, I prayed for her everyday during her coma and wished the world would smite me instead of her, if it wasnt for my children I believe I would be ready to end it all the day she passes away.

I hope that everyone takes on board how fragile life is and look into your loved ones eyes every day and tell them how much you love and adore them, dont waste any time as life can be so unfair when you dont expect it.

How do you cope in these situations, how do you get positivity back after such a period of trauma, please if you have suffered in a similar way and feel you have the ability to share how you provided strength to your loved ones I will be eternally grateful.

Damn. All I can say is hang in there. People do survive it. Just try to think positive. There is nothing wrong with crying and feeling like you can't do enough or be strong enough. Find someone you can talk to...

My brother in law went through something similar. His wife (fiance at the time) had lymphoma. She had a few close calls, but ultimately it went into remission after a good five or six years of fighting it.

You are doing great just be there continue to be positive and fight alongside her. Your depression is normal in long drawn out crisis situations. I know its in no way the same with a parent but was with my father every day through his chemotherapy and his short-lived recovery and through his last days at the hospital. He was always appreciative of all of us being positive and fighting till the end together. My heart breaks for you and your wife and family, prayers for the strength and courage for whatever the future brings, but for now, live in the moment.

a reply to: UpIsNowDown

I''m not going to lie, it will probably be one of the most depressing and painful times of your life, but you do get through it, and in getting through it, and while your partner is still with you, you must keep strong and remain strong, even if inside you are not.

And when they're gone, a piece of you will be gone, you just may never be the same. I do reiterate though, you will get through it.

how do you get positivity back

Search everywhere for something and work from there, day by day if you have to

Man you are in a very hard position. But you have to be strong so you can make her life better. You have to focus on making it better for her.

And I want to share this. William Li has been working on ways to kill cancers first using drugs and then using natural foods. Please watch the video and try some of the foods suggested. It can't hurt to try. It's just food.

a reply to: UpIsNowDown

I am so sorry to hear what you and your family is enduring now. I have no wisdom to offer, but this book may (a good friend highly recommended this book).

www.amazon.com...

Every second you have with your loved one is a gift in time. So keep your mind focused in the NOW to accept those gifts, Don't let your mind day dream on past or future events.

My love goes out to both of you.

a reply to: UpIsNowDown
I am not saying this will work,but some claim to have got rid of cancer with cannabis derived medicines-
Illegal in UK,but if its life or death,screw the law(imo).

There are a lot of pseudo science/nonsense web sites about it-but here is one from a US government(i think)source,which seems to show positive results:

www.cancer.gov...

BTW you are not failing her for becoming depressed-that is a natural response.

Remember,even top doctors sometimes get things wrong,sometimes they may say something is terminal but its not 100% certain.
Try not to lose hope.

My deepest condolences OP.. and you and your family are in my prayers.

You’ve had some great advice from members so far , so I won’t repeat.. just know you and your family are cared for by God and whatever the outcome is for the near future.. He will give you the strength to get through if you ask.

I won’t tell you to be strong, either for yourself or your partner.

Some hills are too steep to climb when we encounter them, and it serves no good purpose to fault ourselves for not being able to do the impossible. In fact, such self-effacement serves only to make the impossible more difficult.

I won’t tell you to be “positive”, either for yourself or your partner, either.

Denying the truth of your feelings, or those of your partner, is but a convenient facade which keeps you, and her, from experiencing what is true, honest, and therefore, beautiful and unique between the two of you.

She knows the truth of her condition. She knows you know. You know she knows you know. Why erect a fantasy between yourselves when, now, more than ever before, the two of you have such a compelling reason to share ALL the honesty and feelings and hopes and fears and all that is the basis and reason for the love you share?

We do not End, we Transform.

originally posted by: Bhadhidar
I won’t tell you to be strong, either for yourself or your partner.

Some hills are too steep to climb when we encounter them, and it serves no good purpose to fault ourselves for not being able to do the impossible. In fact, such self-effacement serves only to make the impossible more difficult.

I won’t tell you to be “positive”, either for yourself or your partner, either.

Denying the truth of your feelings, or those of your partner, is but a convenient facade which keeps you, and her, from experiencing what is true, honest, and therefore, beautiful and unique between the two of you.

She knows the truth of her condition. She knows you know. You know she knows you know. Why erect a fantasy between yourselves when, now, more than ever before, the two of you have such a compelling reason to share ALL the honesty and feelings and hopes and fears and all that is the basis and reason for the love you share?

We do not End, we Transform.

That was so beautiful to read and so full of truth. Thank you for sharing.

a reply to: UpIsNowDown
Oh man, what a bad place you're now in. Try not to think about blame, try, try to be positive, I know it's very, very hard to put on a brave face, but think of her. Twice I have been in a very dark place. Please, please see your doctor and as a last resort have pills. Ask him for one to one counselling, talk it out, if you can, and it can be an on going" treatment".
What can anyone say to you in your situation. You HAVE to be strong for your children as they will find it hard and you are the only one to protect them. My heart really goes out to you and at a loss what else to say and hope what I've already said has not upset you.

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I would like to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time in your life to reply, feeling i have somewhere to talk right now is worth so much to me, i feel i am becoming isolated from most people i meet as i wear my heart on my sleeve and my face is clearly of a man depressed, so the fact i can talk with people without the burden of my appearance is immensely powerful and helpful.

Thank you all for your words, thank you all for your time. My son said to me last night as it was a school night he wishes he could pause time, how I wish that to be true I had to fight back the tears in front of him.

Dr Hulda Clark...my method.....like right now for my symptoms....it's fast for a cancer cure!

a reply to: UpIsNowDown

I am sorry to hear of your plight. I have been married for 40 years to a precious lady who has had my back the whole time. Though we too have had serious issues within our time together, she is my soulmate and mother of my two children. Losing her or my children, or grandchildren is something I cannot comprehend. I pray to be the first to go in my family.

Spend every second with her. Spoil her, cook and clean the home. Stay strong and hold back your tears while in her presence. Most do not want any pity ... so be careful to it not being obvious.. No stress, no anger, only love.

God Bless you and your family,

May your loved one find her way home,

DS

That sucks man , I don’t know what to say . Stay positive , she needs your positive energy . That’s all you can do man

Animals know only today, the now. This is why the pure love of our cat or dog is so wonderful. Whatever you were yesterday is gone, and whatever might be tomorrow isn't a thought to them. It's only right now - you and your pet enjoying this moment in time.

That's where you need to be. As hard as it is, don't think about the future when you are with her. Think about about this moment in time and simply be. Cherish what you can about it and live for it. If you can get there, you may find it carries you as much as it will help her.

And remember, just because she's going through an ordeal right now doesn't mean she can't be there for you in small ways. Letting her love you back would help both of you. Don't write her off before she's actually gone.

Nothing in this life and this world is forever; we all know that going in. I don't know where you are spiritually, but this is where the religious draw strength in God. Whatever this life deals us, He is there.

The experience of loosing my soulmate 3 March of 2016 and my path to recovery is complete.
I'm bookmarking this to get back later.

The problem i am having is I feel I am failing my partner as during her coma I remained positive she would beat this and ensured a positive energy for all our family while she was comatose, but since we recieved the grading of the tumor I have fallen into a deep depression, I feel I am being so unfair to her as I need to be her rock and her strength, nothing I can do is shaking me out of this depression though, I have never been on anti depressents before and have an appointment at my own doctors next week, I believe they will merely offer me a tablet and send me on my way.

I am having problems here. I have no doubt you are in a state of depression but I can't connect that with being the most dedicated partner I can imagine from your post so far. Those 2 just don't fit together for me. The brain cancer is not of your making. You had absolutely no part in creating this condition. Why are you really depressed? She is still the same woman you love. Love her and rejoice to your god that you have been blessed by her presence, not just then but even now. She is the same woman. And you are the same man. Turns out you are loosing her rather than she is loosing you. You didn't toss the coin.

Love the woman. I love my lost companion 10 times more now than when I had her with me. She saved my life, she was my life and I miss her still but I still have her in my heart.

You are looking at this terrible experience through a wrong perspective. Your depression is from your demon whispering in your ear.

This is going to get complex.

My companion died of asthma complicated with COPD from smoking so many years. I never get up early because of my sleep problems but 2 days before I found her unconscious. I rose early the 2 prior mornings, for reasons unknown to me. By the way, we had adjoining bedrooms. We had her air ambulanced to Baptist Hospital in Little Rock where she spent the next 13 days in Intensive care in and out of conscience. I was there every day and most of the nights.


At one point they wanted to intubate her again, for the 3rd time. They came to me to communicate with her. It got to even me not being able to communicate to her but she insisted on living, for 13 days until we let her go.

By the way, I had no legal standing here.

The 12th night I finally decided the time to end her suffering was then. She was bloated by all of the fluids they were giving her and she was oozing clear fluid from her arms. As usual, it was Charlie, Charlie, Charlie constantly. The 12th night I hit the wall. I went out into the hall and looked in while she was calling Charlie, Charlie. After one nurse passed by and asked if I was OK, I said Hell no I'm not OK and she walked on. After another few more minutes I walked away.

I didn't make her smoke. I tried to get her to cut back on her smoking. Should I feel guilty.


This is controversial for many here and I hope they don't get involved too much here but I found God 2 years after she died. There is a god. Worship your own god and thank him for giving you this time with such a loving partner. I have a picture of her on my desktop. I see and greet her every day.


We were together 37 years.


Yes I did ask myself many times if what I did was the right thing to do. I grieved over it much but I'm now comfortable with what I did. Even though the will to live never left her I knew Jesus was calling her home and I was standing in the way. Besides that, she was suffering. Her entire family was suffering.

Don't forget the kids. They still need your love and support. Your depression will/is affecting your relationship with them. Tell your demon to shut the F### up and get away from you.
Didn't you say they were her gift to you?

wished the world would smite me instead of her,

Me to.

a reply to: UpIsNowDown

It's hard. You feel like you can and should do more but really, most of it's out of your control.

It's hard. Keeping you emotions in check, but you have to be the positive, strong one. A positive mental attitude for your loved one is what is important.

Remember who you are doing this for and keep your chin up and keep on.

It's Hard.........

Wish I had Better advice.

Cry in private where they can't hear or see you. You are their Rock, BE THAT ROCK..

Different things work for different people, but listen to this song whenever you are alone; it is guaranteed to make you cry. Listen to it over and over and cry yourself out. It should make you feel better. Then focus on the fact that miracles happen. Sometimes the doctors say you are going to die and you make a miraculous recovery. It could happen.



By the way, I've very sorry for what you are going through and I hope your partner makes a miraculous recovery.

Sal

a reply to: UpIsNowDown