Do you recall how your thought life developed as a child?

a reply to: CynConcepts

To me, I could be wrong, it seems like a steady traumatic life since birth, because you never mention your mom or dad.

a reply to: CynConcepts

I'm sorry about your childhood. As a kid who started running away from home as soon as he could walk, I relate. I hope you have and continue to get as much help as you need.

originally posted by: InTheLight
a reply to: CynConcepts

To me, I could be wrong, it seems like a steady traumatic life since birth, because you never mention your mom or dad.

I will admit, early on I believed earth was hell. I was personally traumatized by making decisions based on thinking it was what it was.

Thankfully, I evolved and realized that was not truth. Free will is a marvelous freedom and savior. I discovered I had the ability to choose for my self and not be a victim of mine nor others bad choices. Taking personal responsibility in not being a victim was life changing!

My dad nowdays, is not so scary. I laugh and admittedly joke ( please don't take offense, since my black step mom agrees with me) that she snipped his white a** balls and put him in his place! Seriously, he is lucky to have her but he was no longer my dad when he tried to have sex with me at 13.

My mom, well she was always a victim and still is. After 13 she gave up. I spoke with her after 20 years of me leaving state and her behind...begged her to tell me why she did not protect me? She said, I was always old and knowledgeable than my years, far beyond her. She asked me...have I not done better without her advice? Sadly, the truth was, yes.

Sad but not, but yes, I have found so much more peace and happiness in life by agreeing to let my parents and their drama behind and focus on myself, my children, and especially my own grandchildren.

Early memories may shape your life...but you always have the freedom to change your life.


Edit add: please realize, between 6-13 yrs...I was raped an molested by older brothers, uncles and my own father...my mom's excuse was that I saved her from being physically and sexually abused. I was her sacrificial lamb.

a reply to: CynConcepts

Wise advice.

a reply to: 0zzymand0s

Ozzy, thank you for your kind considerations. I am doing extremely well in life. My early life has strengthened me beyond measure. Empathy and sympathy was not the catalyst for my change though. Honestly, it was multiple dicks in life that I cursed at them being absolute a-holes for telling me to get over myself and get on with my life.

I do laugh even now, how I cried and cursed at how hateful those folks were who actually were just being honest and sincerely trying to make me see the truths. They may never know how much they changed me for the better. It didn't happen overnight, but their honesty truths stuck with me and when I was ready, I recognized how wonderful and blessed I was to remember their advice and wisdoms.

I cannot imagine not developing as an individual without loving parents.

I don’t ever recall “becoming” conscious as a kid, I’ve just always been hyper aware I suppose. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have complex thoughts. People have always thought I was crazy because I talk about memories from when I was super young, like 1/2/3/4 years old. I never got frustrated when trying to speak verbally, thanks to my mom! Since I could remember my mom and I always had an oddly strong bond. This allowed us to communicate nonverbally and fully understand each other. I vividly remember just looking at her and being able to communicate. At times we could do this from different rooms as well. I asked her about it when I was older, like 15 ish and she confirmed it. We’ve always had a serious connection with each other and to this day we can still communicate like that.

I also had a very traumatic and awful childhood. I’m sorry you didn’t have that connection with someone, it makes life much easier!

a reply to: InTheLight

Well, my kids turned out pretty good, in my opinion of course. They are definitely their own people and I'm very proud of them for the most part.

To your point, it didn't seem any harder than anything else at the time. If you know chaos well enough it eventually turns into a kind of order (if that makes any sense).

It took me decades before I figured out the difference between surviving and living. Hell, I'm still working on it. I still have a hard time with nebulous concepts like "happiness" (as a mental state). My point is you can and do develop with or without loving parents, but it's harder and things others take for granted are huge blindspots for kids you grow up in constant survival mode.

The vision I have of my life has changed a lot over the years. At that time, I didn't know how bad it was. Looking back now, with a clearer head, I see that my family was dysfunctional and poor, and I was probably undiagnosed autistic where I ended up in high school with no close friends and no clear guidance. I've cobbled together a decent life, and thank the gods for forgetfulness and chemicals that take the pain away, because looking back, overall, I have to give life a rating of "would not recommend."

And this is before I head into the home stretch where it's all going to be increasng fear and pain heading toward an unavoidable oblivion. Good times.