Estranged Sister, and a letter?

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk
If its bugging you. Do it already.

Not likely to get the response you want. But it will be a response, and you can go on with your life either way. Most things grow apart, its the nature of things, even the universe they say is expanding apart at a faster and faster rate.

Reconciliations, are for the TV screens. Because they make a good story, but are rarely based in any sort of reality.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I think you already know the answer. Send them both and you will never have any regrets about what could have been. So many people have lost their chances with family members or friends and now it's too late for them to change anything.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I recently reached out to an estranged family member.

We hadn't spoken in 2 years, we had always been really close but a few years back I saw them seize an opportunity to air out things that must have been festering with a rather trivial event. It was likely fueled by liquid "courage", but I'm not one to write something off when I can tell things have been underlying for a long time by the way things are worded, the quick succession of unrelated topics, so on and so forth.

I tried to drop it at the time, just telling him to leave it and it was what it was... A few times that worked but it seemed just a day would go by and he'd realized he had to get one more in. Eventually I just ignored him, for years.

He never apologized, and I have this things about trying not to enable peoples behavior (or maybe that's how I rationalize a grudge, who knows)... So I sent what was IMO a text to open the line of communication without absolving him, letting him know that I wanted it addressed, but I was willing to talk. Part of me believes there is no reconciliation in a relationship unless people put what they have out on the table, stare it in the face, and then move on so it can be over.

So I texted him "Hey man, have you had some time to cool down a bit?"... Maybe not perfect, maybe not close, but it was how I wanted to approach it. I felt it was inviting enough, didn't ignore the past but showed I was willing to open dialog... Again, maybe I was wrong. He replied with " I don't know, whats that mean to you"... I simply replied with well there's my answer. I had tried to let it go originally, I tried to give him an opportunity to approach it once again years later after thinking and cooling off, but I knew his underhanded ways. So I will wait some more.

But what was important was I found my peace. I know I may not have handled it perfectly, but I sincerely tried with the right intent under my terms.

Your's attempt sounds much better than mine, and like many others have said, you have nothing to lose. But you do have something to gain. It's obviously been on your mind now, and obviously was years ago. So do yourself a favor, swallow a bit of pride and make peace for yourself.

Let it go man, you can’t choose family so write off the crappy ones.
I have a sister who probably has a very like minded mindset.

She loves drama, always wants to be the center of attention, easily holds a grudge and just cannot let the small stuff go.
I always do favours for her, help her out when she asks, I’ve spent hours fixing her laptop, helping her setup new mobile phones and never do I get a favour in return.

Unfortunately we’re still on speaking terms...

Let it go man, there are people you don’t want, or need in your life.
I promise you, if you were to reconcile you’d regret your decision within a month.

a reply to: GreenGunther

I'm kind of with you... But I also think we should extend a hand sometimes and offer redemption. Give people the opportunity at it, and if they don't take it at least we find our peace.

The benefit also, is when people recognize you're big enough to offer redemption, they're more likely to offer it to us in return when we get the rude awakening we are in fact human as well.

originally posted by: CriticalStinker
a reply to: GreenGunther

I'm kind of with you... But I also think we should extend a hand sometimes and offer redemption. Give people the opportunity at it, and if they don't take it at least we find our peace.

The benefit also, is when people recognize you're big enough to offer redemption, they're more likely to offer it to us in return when we get the rude awakening we are in fact human as well.

I’ve extended that hand one to many times.
I’m a very decent human being, I treat everyone with respect, but if I’ve written you off..
well lets just say you won’t be seeing me again.

I have a lot of patience, and tend to put up with a lot of nonsense, but if I get to breaking point, I know it’s for the better.
I don’t second guess myself, a lot of thought and consideration goes into it.
Whats done is done.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

You know poop?

Maybe try to clean it a little bit, but it only got smeared all over the place, then you did not notice you got it on your fingers, and then it gets to your face.


This is trying to talk and fix things with the family.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Let her Rot , you have managed without her for decades so why bother now Flyingclaydisk did she send you a letter in that time ? and women are supposed to be the peace makers ?.

I have exactly the same type of sibbling EX sister who has taken her mother for everything including the house , which my mother put in her name and has had 10s of thousands out of her over the years and lives well beyond her means .

She will not answer her phone to any family member or help my mother in any way yet we are all the bad ones !
Family like that you do not need , let them rot

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk
It sounds to me like you already know what your gut(intuition) is telling you, and has been telling you for years.

My only advice to you would be...offer the olive branch, but don't compromise your integrity.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Just ask yourself one question. Is your life better off with or without her in it.

For me, the answer is my life is better without my sister in it. That is sad, but it is a fact.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

The otherside is:. You do not now her life or her personal relationship with her parents. You may think you know because you have the same parents, grew up in the same house and talk about each other but you simply don't know what is in your sister's heart nor what your parents one-on-one relationship was with her.

Her father was dying and she may not have handled that well. Then her mother is dying and you confronted her which probably didn't help the way she reacted.

She may be mercenary or she may just appear that way from the outside looking in. The other side of the story is you will never know the truth because you didn't live her life and she will never know yours.

Personally, I think you should leave it. There doesn't seem to be a reason why you need her in your life and she clearly hasn't made an effort to contact you. Siblings are only thrown together because of a roll of dice. No need to keep playing the game when no one will win.

a reply to: Identified

You are correct, I don't know. I only know what she has said (repeatedly). Her emotions 'appear' to be deep drama built upon innuendo and other non-verbal interactions. It's like she was raised by a completely different set of parents, people I don't even remotely know. And now, now it's time for "reparations" (in her mind). Not reparations of relationships, but rather reparations in the form of monetary repayment, as if there was some debt...money.

You know, I personally wouldn't share this sort of stuff on a public forum, but that's just me, lol.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Tough situation there FCD, but for what it is worth I reckon life is too short not to roll the dice with this one

Who knows, your sister could be having the same internal conflict and want to reach out or even hoping you will

Good luck buddy

originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
a reply to: Lumenari

Heh, yeah I guess that was a little confusing.

We hadn't spoken for 30 years before Mom passed. I didn't talk to her when Dad passed. Mom passed on Christmas Eve 2017. She did show up then, and that's when I let her have it. Following the settlement of the estate I haven't heard from her since.

Make more sense now?

I would say if you try to make amends be ready to be around the person. I have a Family member who I cannot be around, they destroy Me and my Family every time. I choose to love them from afar and feel fine about that. If they need help from me they know I will help but not interact any longer.

Who are Family? Does being genetically connected make you closer than if you don't have that bond? I don't think so, we are each actually strangers in a way.

For a Christian I think of Mark 3:31–35

31 and his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. 32 And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, “Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you.” 33 And he answered them,

“Who are my mother and my brothers?” 34 And slooking about at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.”

originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
So, my question to you is this...

Should I stick the old unopened letter inside the envelope, along with my recent one, and send it off?

P.S. I thought I sent that letter, but I remember hesitating, and I have this funny thing about a letter; once the mail box closes, what is said...is said. Never can you change it. And, this is how I feel about the old letter. What is said...is said.

So I appeal to you, ATS...what do you think?

I was going to suggest doing exactly that until I got to the end and you asked the question.

Yes. She is your sister. Send the letter. Maybe even follow it up with a phone call if you don't hear back from her within a reasonable time.

I lost my sister almost two years ago to a sudden heart attack. She was 4 years younger than me. We got along great, and I miss her, and wish we'd have gotten together a lot more often.

Just do it. Please.

a reply to: tanstaafl

I am the oldest of ten. Five brothers and four sisters. I lost my brother fourteen years ago. Prior to that I had lost many relatives including my father, but no one and nothing prepared me for the lost of my brother. I can't explain it but the lost of a sibling hits you in a way that I can't describe.

I am very close to all of my siblings, but that doesn't mean that we have never had falling outs, and there have even been a time or two that I loved one, but didn't like them. I am happy to say that we all have reached the age were we have been able to put the troubling times behind us, and try to enjoy what time we have left, loving each other, together and when apart.

The connection between siblings is one that you don't realize how intertwined it is until you lose one. I was angry with one of my sisters for over a year, I felt she had betrayed me, and in truth she had done exactly that. I decided that forgiving her was much easier to do than to continue the anger, and the strain that it was putting on the entire family. So I forgave her, my other siblings realized how healing it was for me, and they forgave her also. We have always been close, but I feel that we are even closer now.

Mending family bonds is not always easy, it won't happen overnight, and sometimes there are scars, but if there is healing, it is so worth it.

If you haven't already, send it. She obviously means enough to you that you want to reconnect. Whats the worst thing that can happen? You meet up, you end up arguing and someone gets stabbed? Well ok.. the stabbing thing is what happens in my family, which is only one small reason I stayed estranged from all of them for just over 20 years.

Do it, if it goes south then wait another decade and try again if it matters to you. Some people don't grow up till they are old and grey.

-t