Estranged Sister, and a letter?

I have two older sisters, one of which is estranged from me. It's a long story, and I won't delve into it here, but suffice to say we don't seem to get along...and the reason is me (well, maybe not all me, but again, it's a long story). She is not my oldest sister, but the second oldest. And, she's greedy, shallow and holds a grudge. Hence my ire, and subsequent near complete disowning of her. For nearly 30 years we've not spoken, even once. She's got her axe to grind, and I have mine, but they're different 'axes'.

About 11 years ago I wrote her a letter. It was an attempt to make peace. I didn't try to rationalize either of our postures, or justify them. I just let bygones be bygones. My rationale was, we're not getting any younger, and we can go to our graves as strangers, or we can attempt to be friends. The ironic part of this story is, she was my favorite sister when I was a kid. But we fell apart, and it had everything to do with money...something I've not really cared about in my lifetime.

So anyway, I wrote this letter 11 years ago. It was pretty much an appeal to reason between blood relatives. I held no grudge (in my letter).

Well, I was cleaning out one of our closets the other night and came across a leather briefcase I used to use. It was worn and old, and I contemplated getting rid of it. However, before discarding it I decided to check all the pockets and compartments. Low and behold, I found the letter I had written to my sister 11 years ago. I had posted the letter, and all I had to do was mail it, but I never did.

I don't remember the exact words I said in the letter, but I remember the theme. I didn't open it.

The letter sits here on my desk as I type this.

The past few months I've thought about writing a similar letter just to bury the hatchet, and the other day I wrote just such a letter. But, I had forgotten all about the letter I wrote all those years ago.

So now, I sit here contemplating adding a footnote to the letter I wrote the other day, and telling her about the letter I wrote back then, and just sticking the unopened letter in the envelope with my recent letter...for whatever it's all worth.

A lot of things have changed since I wrote that letter 11 years ago. Both of our parents have passed away (sadly), and I know I made references to both of them in the present tense in that letter. More than a decade has passed as well; we've all changed.

So, my question to you is this...

Should I stick the old unopened letter inside the envelope, along with my recent one, and send it off?

P.S. I thought I sent that letter, but I remember hesitating, and I have this funny thing about a letter; once the mail box closes, what is said...is said. Never can you change it. And, this is how I feel about the old letter. What is said...is said.

So I appeal to you, ATS...what do you think?

My opinion is that any form of sincere reconciliation shown by a family member is very important. I say send the old letter,too. What could it possibly hurt ? Good on ya for holding out the olive branch and I really hope things go well for you.

Word of caution.. you may not be able to change your sister’s character flaws, but you can choose to look at the positive characteristics. ( had to do this with some of my family )

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

There is likely a reason you will never know about that delayed that letter from being sent 11 years ago. Just like you will likely never know the reason it was found now, after writing a more recent letter.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It can't make things worse, and you aren't getting any younger.

Things happen for a reason, even if you never know what that is.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

That's a hard one. At least the letter would show your thinking 11 years ago. Has it changed since then? Do you need to explain any differences? Did you tell her you still love her.

Just thinking here.

I had a brother who spent most of his life in prison for drug abuse and minor crimes. My hope for rehabilitation was always met with an internal agony each time he went back to prison. I finally removed myself from communication so I didn't have to go through the dread of knowing what he went through in prison.

He died a couple of years ago from inside out due to drugs. I was fortunate that I got to talk to him a few months prior.

I did not suffer the agony of some family members who never spoke to him again.

All that to say, do your best to make peace. Think your letter through thoroughly but by all means send it.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Should I stick the old unopened letter inside the envelope, along with my recent one, and send it off?

As someone who was pretty much the same boat with one of my sisters (we were inseparable as children, we had a falling out regarding family money and I've always viewed her as greedy, shallow and holding a grudge)...

Absolutely yes... send it.

We finally took the time to talk when my Mother died (we had not spoken for 20-odd years) and we struck a balance between being a family member and not really respecting each other.

Which is fine... we can't pick our family members but they are still family.

I didn't realize until later the load that I had carried all those years...

Give it a shot.

If nothing else, at least you have put the ball in her court so it's not you.

No regrets... life is short.

originally posted by: NightSkyeB4Dawn
a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

There is likely a reason you will never know about that delayed that letter from being sent 11 years ago. Just like you will likely never know the reason it was found now, after writing a more recent letter.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It can't make things worse, and you aren't getting any younger.

Things happen for a reason, even if you never know what that is.

Had to star you for that.

Sometimes things in life happen for a reason and it's all about timing.

Allow me to put some context to our issues...

In 2014 Dad was in hospice and close to passing. I got the call he probably had less than 24 hours, and I was on an airplane in under an hour. My sister called Mom and asked if the shuttle bus from hospice would come pick her up at the airport (60 miles away)! Seriously!! When Mom told her no, the shuttle bus was only for shuttling people around the retirement complex...my sister canceled her reservations and didn't come. All over a F#'ing rental car!!!

I held Dad's hand and told him how much I loved him later that same night as he passed away. I was the only child there.

Four years later, Mom caught a cold and before we knew it she was in hospice too. She was 93. It was December 24th, Christmas Eve. Once again, when I got the call I was on an airplane, no questions asked.

Mom had told the staff she refused to die until all of her children were there with her. She was a strong woman. They relayed this message to us. (this is heart wrenching, BTW) . This time, my sister called my eldest sister and asked the same damn question. She got the same answer. So what did she do? She went down to Avis and rented a car, so she could drive, with no mileage fee, for the 600 miles it took to get to Michigan from Maryland. BUT, this time she was definitely going to make the trip, and do you know why??? Because there was MONEY involved, inheritance money...and no way was she letting that out of her sight. She even showed up and started marking off stuff she wanted in Mom's house. Just F#ing PATHETIC! If there wouldn't have been money involved, she'd have been nowhere to be found!

So yeah, I have an axe to grind. But I let it go that day 11 years ago when I wrote the letter, long before all that happened. Prior to that it was pretty much the same, just different circumstances. Pretty sad actually, but that's who she is.

After Mom passed I confronted her about it...BIG TIME. "Where have you been all these years???? Now there's money in the air and suddenly you magically show up...WOW...amazing! Her adult son (my nephew) was there too (she was too cheap to even pay for the gas, so she had to split it with him), and he heard all this. I really let her have it! She swore up and down things would be different now, that she had changed. She swore they'd be in touch, and they'd come visit. BUT...the minute we cut the checks settling the estate, she disappeared and I haven't heard from her since. (save one minor item, which ironically also involved money).

Like is often said; there are three sides to every story, my side, the other side and the truth. Okay, I'll go for that. I'd love to hear the "other" side! LOL

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I always feel an immense rush of relief the moment I finally hit send or slide a letter into the mail slot or speak up when it's something I needed to say. Keeping things pent up or not following your instinct to reach out is like a kind of emotional rock bottom. It stops when we unburden ourselves.

As I get older I feel more and more like my ego is stripped away. I find myself being entirely frank about things that so many people around me seem to keep hidden behind some kind of psychological fortification. I find people get accustomed to hearing the frank talk even though they're all pretty uncomfortable with it at the outset. People even catch the bug and start being more frank with me and hopefully with themselves.

Send it. Put the seed out there. It'll grow or it wont, but either way is better than holding onto it.

ETA: I see that in the time it took to write my post you received the same sentiment from others. I'm pretty sure based on ATS T&C you pretty much have to send it now.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Erm...

in 2018-2019...

After Mom passed I confronted her about it...BIG TIME. "Where have you been all these years???? Now there's money in the air and suddenly you magically show up...WOW...amazing! Her adult son (my nephew) was there too (she was too cheap to even pay for the gas, so she had to split it with him), and he heard all this. I really let her have it! She swore up and down things would be different now, that she had changed. She swore they'd be in touch, and they'd come visit. BUT...the minute we cut the checks settling the estate, she disappeared and I haven't heard from her since. (save one minor item, which ironically also involved money).

vs...

For nearly 30 years we've not spoken, even once.

I'm confused about the circumstances now.

If it was last year just write her off for a decade.

~confuzzled~

a reply to: Lumenari

Heh, yeah I guess that was a little confusing.

We hadn't spoken for 30 years before Mom passed. I didn't talk to her when Dad passed. Mom passed on Christmas Eve 2017. She did show up then, and that's when I let her have it. Following the settlement of the estate I haven't heard from her since.

Make more sense now?

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Is your sister on a tight budget ?

The gas money, the free shuttle, all seem to point to someone who is watching her money.
Just wondering if this is an issue. Some poorer folks can get a little more obsessed about money.

That being said, she doesn’t sound like a “fun” sister, but you never know, with patience and forgiveness you may just find some of that old magic from your youth.

My advice to you is dont bother, let things stay as they are. Sounds to me if you do contact, eventually your in for a sting. Look back on your childhood memories with the fondness that you already do.
Really you have seen the way she has become and that is her right, but if you dont live or abide in the same manner. What makes you think anything would change. Those kind of changes you are seeking from her, can easily be falsified, especially if you reach out. When there is more likely to be a change is when she shows signs by her own initiative.If she doesn't, its because she has stuck to the same view. Your sister is no more important in the world than anybody else, the only difference is if you really connect with her or not. that is the key to all change and relationships. Good luck with your choices. a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

a reply to: Sheye

She played the big wheeler dealer to my parents for the better part of three decades, at least that's what they told me. Mom was always a peacemaker, so she'd tell me how well off they were. She worked in the banking industry for 38 years and then got into real estate. Had a million dollar home on Butcher street in Baltimore, and 3/4 million dollar condo over in Owings Mills, MD. Drove a Porsche 911.

Maybe it was all a ruse, I don't know, but I saw some of the pictures.

I drove a 25 year old Ford pickup, and I loved it. In fact, I miss that truck to this day.

a reply to: ancientthunder

Well, now both letters sit on my desk.

Maybe I'll wait another 11 years.

To be honest, I have strong distaste for the notion of "what could have been".

I feel like it is incumbent upon me to do everything reasonably possible to never allow "what could have been" to become reality, unless there was no other choice. Hence the OP.

ETA - Maybe I could be wrong, and she's really Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Gandhi all rolled up into one person, and I just didn't see it. But, then again, there's that old saying..."Fool me once..."

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk
Alrighty.. that definitely puts it into perspective.

How sad she didn’t make it there for your dad... and even sadder that she chose to make your mother’s death about money and possessions. Feel sorry for her son to be honest.. he’s been robbed of family.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

YES, send the old letter too! Send them both- NOW. Whether she responds or not, you can at least have a clean conscience that you did make an effort at some point to reconcile.

The old letter, with the present tenses of the parents who are now not here, may make her realize that while we are here on this earth, that's all we get. It may give her some perspective.

I pray that she will read the letters and reciprocate and that you will be reunited.

a reply to: KansasGirl

The old letter, with the present tenses of the parents who are now not here, may make her realize that while we are here on this earth, that's all we get. It may give her some perspective.

That's actually a really good point I hadn't considered!

In the old letter I talked about why Mom and Dad were the way they were, and how it shouldn't affect us. I was very close to Mom & Dad, she wasn't. I talked about seeing past their imperfections to who they really were. Again, I don't remember the exact words, but I remember the theme.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

YIKES, man, she sounds like a real peach.

After reading your follow-up post that details some of her actions, I still say send both letters. Simply for the "what could have been" situation you mentioned. She probably won't change. But let's say she dies in a 737 MAX plane crash, you don't want to have that kind of game going. "What if I would have sent those letters? What if it was the one thing to send her over the edge in her life to becoming a better person and we could have then had a good relationship? What if my letter could have made a difference in her life?" You know, that kind of thing. Send it for yourself.

So sad to hear this but my estranged brother died suddenly this year. He was always difficult; he was married five times. But I loved him so much but we just didn't get along. Most of my life I have lived distances and continents away from my family and we grew apart. I know nothing I could have said would have made a difference; and I did try many times. I know there was jealousy and greed but I still loved him-no explanations why. He treated my elderly mother poorly and she was his guardian angel.

So this year I had to deal with reality. There are no more attempts at reconciliation. Still, would have liked to have that option. We never know.....

Send the letters. Know the reality but keep your heart open-you do have such a gentle caring spirit. And you write beautifully.