That Time My Best-Friend Turned into a Jerk, and a Liar, and Pretended I "Threatened" Him

This happened a few years ago, but I still think about it, especially that I'm still surrounded by stuff that reminds me of him, and other old friends. Like I still have this old Pentium III PC on my desk, that he gave me, when I was in college.

Jimmy is a 1st cousin actually, but we weren't close until we were adults, and we found ourselves sharing the same circle of friends, and even living together. Eventually he asked if I wanted to be official "best-friends" with him, and I agreed, in good faith.

We went on to be best-friends for 8 YEARS, of which, we had 6 good years. He became a jerk toward me in the 7th and 8th year, gradually getting worse and worse toward me.

The friendship itself was a classic, good-natured, normal friendship. Based on things like watching football, movies, playing videogames, etc. He was a good go-to friend, for whatever activities I felt like doing. We even had some wild adventures like camping (we all almost died in some unexpectedly extreme mountaintop conditions). We went white-water rafting once, in a rather tame local area. And so on.

...

When things started going bad, he had taken a job in a different state, for about a year, after which he would come back home.

I wasn't concerned; I figured I'd keep in touch on the phone, and I'd see him when he'd visit home (which he was already doing, like every 2 months).

His actual problem with me... was the fact that I did not make plans to go visit him... which made sense financially, as I was poor, and I was working 6 days a week, for low pay, and barely managing to have a place to live, with food.

So I didn't have the means to take off work, and travel... which is understandable. But apparently he didn't understand, and that seems his first problem that he was upset about.

And what could I do, besides express the obvious, that I didn't have the finances to throw around.

...

From there, the friendship went downhill, as I kept good faith and trust in him, as an honest, good person, and my official best-friend of 7 years (at that point).

I basically expected him to get over whatever personal issues he was dealing with, eventually, so our best-friendship would gel and work better, again.

But so he kept getting worse and worse, getting mad at me for the smallest things, which would be debatable if there was even a real problem there, in the 1st place, lol. (Like my example above, his 1st big problem with me... was what? Not understanding that I didn't have money? I didn't consider that to be my fault...)

So he'd get mad at things like... One time, he was traveling home, and I had been working all week. So whatever day it was that he got home: He wanted me to visit him that same night. However, I was beat from working all week (and figured he'd be tired from traveling), and so I wanted to see him the next day, instead. (So if he came home on a Saturday, then I wanted to see him on Sunday.) So that became a big problem that he was all upset about... the kind of thing that made me wonder if I was really even doing anything wrong or not, lol.

...

Another time, he traveled home, and I did go see him, that same night... Except I was later than we had originally planned for, like 45 minutes later.

But so we were best-friends, and he wanted to see me, and all that. And I even called & texted him, to tell him I was running late, and asking if it was OK if I still visited, 45 min. later? (We're talking the difference of shooting for like 6:30pm, and I ended up visiting like 7:15pm.)

So he doesn't answer my calls / texts, and I still visit him in good faith. Then... No answer at all. Pretty blatant disrespect, because if you don't want to chill 45 min. later, he could have said it via phone, and he could have answered the door and told me. So he ignores me and refuses to answer the door. I left him a beer on his doorstep and texted him to tell him what happened, and said I was sorry that I missed his availability.

Then after all that, the next day he was STILL angry at me, lol. Even though I did visit him, lol, and brought him beer. All that and he was angry that I had visited him 45 min. late. Which was somehow much WORSE than the fact that I actually did visit him, lol.

For that time, I remember him complaining that I wasn't a good best-friend, and I replied, "Don't tell me that I'm not a good best-friend. I'm your ONLY friend that visited you last night, and left a beer on your doorstep."

...

So he got into the habit of getting angry once or twice a month... And so each time, I'd reply: "Look, I don't believe in passive-aggressive friendships, so you need to stop that with me." I was communicating as crystal-clear as possible. "Be a good friend with me, or don't be friends with me anymore, but either way, I don't believe in passive-aggressive friendships."

So anyway, that was the theme for our 7th and 8th years of being best-friends. It just all got worse and worse, and I kept telling him not to be passive-aggressive with me. Because I honestly don't believe in that kind of friendship.

The end of the 7th year, I even wrote him online, to end our friendship, because he had spent a full year being passive-aggressive and getting mad at me once or twice a month, all year! Which is around TWO DOZEN times getting mad at me, already, at that point, lol.

He then responded by asking for my best-friendship back, and swearing that he had NO IDEA why I ended his friendship. So I accepted it back, in good faith, and I was wrong to do that.

Finally, the 8th year, he became so passive-aggressive that he actually became DIRECTLY aggressive. Like, he would go hang out with some idiot who disliked me... And he'd gossip and slander me, with her. And then he'd actually come to me to BRAG that he was slandering me with her, lol. (And I'd be like, well why would you want to hang out with ignorant, mean people? Is it cool to be ignorant and mean, now?)

...

Two years of it, took its toll on me. Imagine loving and trusting your "best-friend" of your life, and he gets angry and acts like he hates you, twice a month. For 2 years, which is like 48 TIMES getting angry lol. I was internalizing the sadness of it... Like how sad is it, if your own BEST-friend doesn't even like you, every 2 weeks?

Plus I had just spent 6 years dating my ex-girlfriend, and she wrapped up 6 years together by bragging of cheating on me, the whole time... Then afterward, I was waiting for her to tell me the truth, and instead, I was slowly watching her pull away from being friends, or even being decent, honest, moral, etc.

So I was struggling with both of my closest friends of my life, BOTH turning against me, in the same 2 years. And we share the same group of friends, so I was always thinking that somehow my ex-gf's infidelity, would somehow cause all my friends to dislike me too.

I realized that there's a sense of SHAME in both cases: I didn't want to tell anyone that the situations even existed in the 1st place, because both cases seemed so fundamentally hateful against me, in the 1st place. (So I realized why RAPE victims etc. have a sense of shame afterward... It's the shame that someone would do that against you, and the fear that others would judge you badly, because of it.)

Those 2 years, I was embattled with both of them, and I became loud and abrasive, in a defensive way. It didn't work, of course. TBC

This sounds exactly like how a marriage goes bad.

ETA, after further consideration, I’ll bet your girlfriend and best friends were intimate. That’s why they both pushed you away. To take away the guilt they were feeling. People are so fu##ed up.

It’s classic narcissistic behavior. They are the ones fu##ing up, literally. So they make you feel like your a bad person to mask what they are doing.

a reply to: JamesChessman

Both Jimmy & your ex sound like immature vindictive a holes. You're better off without them.

People change. The very things that brought you together may have changed and the friendship just didn't work anymore. It happens. Just move on. A word of caution: since you don't seem to really have an awareness of why both these individuals "turned" on you, I would ask. Might learn something new about yourself and/or about your friends; if they every were truly friends.

a reply to: JamesChessman

The immaturity of this post definitely runs on both sides. What adult asks another adult if they want to he official best friends?

It seems like maybe you matured a little and outgrew the friendship, and so did Jimmy.

Let it go.

So those 2 years, I tried to be loud and assertive, and defensive, like if there was some disagreement or misunderstanding, I'd try to explain and clear it up, immediately (which people misunderstood as being argumentative).

Because both closest friends turning against me, seemed because I had been too passive and trusting. So it made sense that the message I'd get out of it, would be that I needed to be more assertive, loud, etc.

But that was the wrong message, because the friendships were just broken friendships, that I should not have been in limbo about for years. Both friendships ended badly anyway. And people just thought I was a jerk for being too loud and obnoxious, swearing, etc. I was basically trying to act tough, in an embattled life, with my closest friends against me, while still trusting them...

I was a mess those 2 years. And I gave bad impressions of myself which I regret, but which I'd hope my friends would understand, why I was such a mess.

...

Anyway, with Jimmy, the 8th year, it all ended when he became directly aggressive... after 2 years of passive-aggression.

Like I said, he bragged of gossiping / slandering me. Which means that my BEST friend was proud of being an enemy, basically, and proud of telling me so.

He knew that I was suffering and confused about my ex-girlfriend being proud of being unfaithful and hateful... He knew that I was dealing with that, mentally / emotionally... So he made more problems against me.

He started sending me insults to my phone... As my BEST friend, who knew I was having a hard time.

He told me that no one likes me (this was my BEST-FRIEND telling me that), and he told me that everyone thought I had gone crazy... Apparently because I didn't want his passive-aggressiveness.

And apparently because I was psychologically a mess from him and my ex-gf, both turning hateful and mean-spirited.

He knew all of that, full well, and his solution was to make more problems and insults. (Thankfully I have NOT lost other friends, so um, it wasn't really true that no one likes me, lol. And people that he bragged of slandering me with, have said that they don't remember doing that, with him.)

...

His really BIG problem at the very end, was that I didn't write down his travel plans. Yup, a really big deal.

So he'd tell me verbally, his plans... and then the next week, before he arrived, I'd ask to double-check his plans. He wanted to see me, after all.

So he'd get FURIOUS that I asked a 2nd time, and that I didn't just memorize it or write it down, the previous week.

This killed our friendship, and um, I didn't think I was even doing something wrong. I was making plans with him like a normal person, lol.

...

Here's where the passive-aggression and direct-aggression really blew up.

So he'd have plans to see me, as best-friends, but then he'd get FURIOUS that I'd ask him a week later, to remind me of the exact day / time that he was arriving.

And so then, he'd be SO ANGRY that I asked more than once: That he wouldn't answer me, the 2nd time.

So he'd be about to visit home, and we'd have plans to chill, and he wouldn't answer me, to confirm our plans.

So I'd end up asking him repeatedly, like maybe he doesn't check his text messages (or something). I'd keep asking him to confirm his plans that he told me, the previous week.

So then he wouldn't answer for a few days, up to his actual day of traveling home, even while we had hanging plans.

And then he'd finally be all angry, complaining that I asked him "10 times" or whatever, and I'd be like, "What are you even talking about? You told me your plans ONCE, last week, and right now, you're only telling me the 2nd TIME."

And he'd just be like, blah blah blah, you asked me 10 times... As if I was a lunatic, having the same conversation with him 10 times, lol. Which was absolutely not the case. (He and I were not even talking, at all, when I'd keep asking him to confirm his own plans.)

I realized some MONTHS later, that he was playing games with the semantics of it. Because I was only asking-and-getting-an-answer TWICE, like a normal person (who didn't happen to memorize it, or record it, the 1st time).

But his game was COUNTING how many times I'd ask him BEFORE HE'D ANSWER THE 2ND TIME.

So yeah, if I was asking him repeatedly (for like a week), before he'd respond the 2nd time, then sure, maybe I did ask 10 times, for his 2nd RESPONSE, lol.

So that situation ended our friendship, and it's clearly passive- / directly-aggressive games. I wanted to visit my best-friend, and he was playing semantic word games, lol.

This travel-plan problem happened two different times that he visited home, and everything died.

I kept telling him to stop being passive-aggressive with me. The guy was bragging of slandering me, and telling me nonsense about asking him twice / 10 times, etc.

I'd even say that he was antagonizing me, and it made me angry, and made me feel like beating him up, lol. Which was true. However I never "threatened" him, I ALWAYS just told him to stop antagonizing me, insulting me, etc.

...

It wrapped up with him basically bombing my phone with insulting voicemail and texts, and then blocking my phone. Oh, OK.

My side was the same, telling him to stop being passive-aggressive with me.

He even called me a "coward" for preferring to text instead of voice-call... as if THAT insult really makes sense, lol.

I was left wondering why he bombed my phone with insults, and blocked my phone. Now sure the 8-year best-friendship was over, by that point, but I still wanted to know why my BEST friend of my life, had been insulting me and blocking my phone.

...

A few days later, I went to his house to ask him. He knew I came to TALK to him, and I even told him that, when I got there. (Our best-friendship had been killed for about a week, but still, I wanted to understand his phone insults, and his 2 YEARS' passive-aggressiveness.)

So I get there and his wife runs out, yelling at me (and she legit had NOTHING to do with anything, lol). I told her I wanted to talk to him. She yelled, "There's nothing to talk about! You hurt my husband really bad!"

And I'm like, "Well, no, I didn't hurt him. I told him for 2 years that I don't believe in passive-aggressive friendships. And lately I told him to stop antagonizing me on the phone, and I told him it makes me angry. So I came here to ask him why he was sending me insults and blocking my phone."

So then he just stood in his doorway, and yelled insults at me, none of which had anything to do with anything. He insulted my car, for example, lol. A millionaire insulting his best-friend, who had lived a life of poverty... insulting me that my car was lame.

He insulted me for trying to work with my dad, at the time, so he insulted me for not having a "real" job... which of course, doesn't really mean anything, either.

...

Anyway I did respond, I did yell back at him... And told him that I wanted to TALK... tbc

So basically, we yelled back-and-forth, with the whole confrontation being his creation, obviously. I went there to talk, and he responded by he and his wife yelling irrelevant insults at me.

So it was obviously his confrontation that he made, but yeah I got caught up in it, yelling back and forth.

Since he was yelling insults from his doorway, I told him, "Look, I came here to TALK with you. But now you're just standing in your doorway, yelling insults like a little girl. So stop acting like a little girl. I came here to TALK, but if you're just going to yell at me like a girl, then come out and fight. Don't just yell at me like a little girl."

So honestly, I think my response fit, for his situation. You want to yell insults, then come out and do something, or shut up, lol.

It's also a very typical response that I'd expect from practically any guy, who was being yelled insults at.

...

So that was about it. The scene was his front lawn, so this was basically in front of his neighbors that he made this drama. So there was a public audience and embarrassment and all that.

So I did get caught up, I kept yelling at him to come out, and stop being a coward. I blew it up for the audience, I yelled, I beeped my horn in front of his house lol, I blared my bright lights at his house.

Alright so then I left.

...

So then I'm driving home and I get pulled over by police, who said that Jimmy called them bc I "threatened" him. Which I obviously did not.

So that interaction went nowhere. The cops didn't do anything. Also it's ILLEGAL to call and lie to the cops, by the way, lol.

Then I drove home and in the 20-30 minutes, since the confrontation ended, Jimmy called about a million people to lie and pretend that I "threatened" him. He called all our friends, my mom, probably my grandma, lol.

Obviously no one had anything to do with it, and he was telling everyone lies.

So that's the whole story.

I don't know what else to say, I still have this beautiful old PC that he gave me, on my desk. I remember his 6 good years of being a good best-friend.

Well you know what they say....

There's two sided to every story....

a reply to: JamesChessman

I’m telling you dude, Jimmy is banging your ex. Just another nail in the coffin with him pitting his wife against you. That way, if you ever find out and tell his wife about it — she won’t believe you either.

It takes one to know one. This exact sh!t happened to me. Except it was my wife, not my girlfriend. Jimmy and your ex display sociopathic behavior, run for the hills dude.

BTW, yelling and screaming back at them NEVER helps a situation. It only escalates it.

a reply to: JamesChessman

I had a close friend - or I thought he was and regarded him as a brother since we had grown up together since we were kid's.

Of course people grow apart, there lives take different path's and they move on etc but it turned out that all Jude really wanted was to obtain information and help to defraud my mother.

Now it would be a dark day should he ever cross my path but he knows to avoid me and even more since I have lost my mother since I definitely blame him in part for the stress his actions contributed to causing her, his actions may have stopped my mother getting justice in a case in which she had been seriously defrauded and my estranged sister was involved - Jude was passing information back to her and getting money from Lynne for doing so - I am actually less angry with my sister though I have cut her off from me and she is dead to me as far as I am concerned and is not part of my family any more for the betrayal she worked on our mother but blood IS thicker than water and I could never harm her - even though she would slip the blade between my rib's and laugh about it.

The worst thing is I used to listen as he would tell me all his little (and not so little) problems', the problems he was having with is ex wife (whom had accused him of pulling a knife on her - at the time I was shocked at the allegation but in hindsight he did have this thing for knives since we were kid's), his new girlfriend (he even tried to get me to buy an engagement ring for her on his behalf and claimed he would give me the money back but at the time I was broke so had no money or I may have fallen for it and found out the truth before the real harm was done), his visitation right's to see his daughter and all that crap, I used to pump up his ego (didn't need much effort as he was always a big head) and tell him he could make it and just had to believe in himself etc, I was always there for him for well over 25 years until he betrayed me and my mother in the most underhanded and dirty manner imaginable though to be fair in those last few years he had noticeably changed, I think he had turned bisexual since though he never said it directly he did tell me about his relationship with a male friend while he was living in Sweden and a few other pointers including constant complaint's about his IBS - hey no problem not the type of friendship I had with him (to be fair even if I had been that way inclined Mr Ewing was not exactly a handsome guy) and that would not have bothered me I knew him since we were kid's and he was as close as a brother to me or so I thought, the two faced underhanded devious lying twerp even went on to work as a peace negotiator with the UN or that is what he claimed not only to me but on his Rotary Club (they funded his scholarship at Brisbane university were he took an international business degree - AFTER he had dropped out of a Lancaster university law degree on his first year and slummed it for about a decade or so) web page, worse he claimed to be into Arab Israeli peace negotiation's (God help them both - untrustworthy is a fact not a slight).

So you are far from the only one to have suffered a false friendship in which you were the friend but your friend was only a user, a manipulator and a devious liar.

Ordinary friend's - not those that close that they are like family - just drift together and apart as there lives move on but these close friendship's are the dangerous one's - to we that do not betray or break them - because we usually end up being the one's that these false friend's have wronged.

In your case he is family however distant so you can forgive - to a tiny bit - just don't fall into old habit's and keep him at a distance for the rest of the future.

You are far from the only person to have there supposed best friend do one on them.


KKLOCO, good point, friendship is just another kind of relationship and if you are particular close to your supposed best friend they become a part of your life - difference is in a marriage you have perk's and somebody you actually find attractive (at least I hope) until you don't that is.
Another difference is friendship is more of a social thing while marriage is more of a mutual existence thing were you live together etc - you don't have that as friend's unless you are sharing an apartment or some such thing but betrayal is still betrayal.



Remember the old saying, KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMY'S CLOSER - was he ever REALLY your friend?.

originally posted by: olaru12
Well you know what they say....

There's two sided to every story....

I mean, the blatant dishonesty is what sometimes still bothers me.

He obviously knows that I didn't "threaten" him, yet he called our friends, and my mom, and my siblings, etc. to pretend I "threatened" him.

It was no one's business... and it wasn't even a real statement.

If he had been honest about it, then he wouldn't have had anything to complain about, or to slander me about.

(He could have just said that he had been sending me insults, so I went to ask him why... Then he yelled at me, so I yelled back, and left. End of story.)

^That's an honest summary, that wouldn't have even bothered me if he told people, lol. Though it was still no one else's business...

But yeah, it bothers me for him to tell my friends & family a fictional story that never happened lol.

(Also, I can't even imagine a situation when I would legit "threaten" someone, it's not even an action that would make sense, in any context. So it's fiction that insulting, lol. I don't want friends / family to believe in fictional fairy tales against me, lol.)

I don’t even know you...

But, being succinct is a key to not driving people crazy.

originally posted by: KKLOCO
a reply to: JamesChessman


BTW, yelling and screaming back at them NEVER helps a situation. It only escalates it.

^That's true, but on the other hand, it's really basic human nature.

Like, if any person walks around yelling insults at the next 100 people you see, then of course, a huge portion of them, would yell back, lol.

But yeah, the confrontation is regrettable... But once I'm being yelled insults at, then it pretty much begs a response, or I'd be the coward to quietly whimper away. (I'm not really the right person to receive yelling & insults.)

^Which was his game, for that night, obviously enough.

...It would seem that it was magnum opus, to provoke a reaction out of me, that night lol. It would seem that that's what he wanted all along, just to defame me about it.

But of course, if people WANT to lie about you, then there's really no winning, with them.

If I hadn't gone to his house, then I'd again be the coward for not responding to his insults on the phone.

There was really no winning. But I DID at least show that I won't be punked by some nerd yelling insults at me, like a little girl.

originally posted by: whyamIhere
I don’t even know you...

But, being succinct is a key to not driving people crazy.

Yeah, fair enough. Sorry if the thread is too long-winded, there's a lot of drama and details to go over.

Re: His friendship: The thing is, I WAS succinct, for those last 2 years. I kept telling him: "I don't believe in passive-aggressive friendships, so you need to stop that with me."

This is why I don't have friends, only acquaintances.

originally posted by: eXia7
This is why I don't have friends, only acquaintances.

I understand. I grew up with a lot of solitude, before I started to really make friends, as a young adult.

So I do think it's good to have friends, but it's also good to be DETACHED and independent, from our friends... at the same time, if possible.

Bob Marley had a nice quote about this. Something like: "I don't need no friends, because I already had no friends, before I suddenly got a lot of friends."

I do think it's vitally important to find our own sense of peace, in our own solitude. Nowadays I consider that I still have a handful of good friends, but even then, I don't really get out and socialize, more than once every few weeks lol.

originally posted by: JamesChessman

originally posted by: KKLOCO
a reply to: JamesChessman


BTW, yelling and screaming back at them NEVER helps a situation. It only escalates it.

^That's true, but on the other hand, it's really basic human nature.

Human nature for adolescents. Once you get older and wiser — you don’t partake anymore.

I’m sure this experience with 2 sociopaths will help you change your mind on that one. Be happy you saw their true colors after 6-8 years. I spent 13 dealing with it because we had kids together....

Learn from this young padawan.

originally posted by: KKLOCO

originally posted by: JamesChessman

originally posted by: KKLOCO
a reply to: JamesChessman


BTW, yelling and screaming back at them NEVER helps a situation. It only escalates it.

^That's true, but on the other hand, it's really basic human nature.

Human nature for adolescents. Once you get older and wiser — you don’t partake anymore.

I’m sure this experience with 2 sociopaths will help you change your mind on that one. Be happy you saw their true colors after 6-8 years. I spent 13 dealing with it because we had kids together....

Learn from this young padawan.

^Thanks, I agree that it's BEST and most ideal, to avoid confrontations altogether.

On the other hand, like I said earlier: If someone made an experiment of yelling insults at the next 100 men you see:

Probably like 80% would respond, I'd expect. Because people don't want to be insulted, and punked, and walk away like a wimp.

Heck, I've even been on the receiving end (of strangers yelling at me), and yeah, I usually respond...

But yes, you're right that it's ideal to avoid confrontations altogether. Mainly by avoiding the larger situations that would lead to a confrontation...

originally posted by: JamesChessman

originally posted by: KKLOCO

originally posted by: JamesChessman

originally posted by: KKLOCO
a reply to: JamesChessman


BTW, yelling and screaming back at them NEVER helps a situation. It only escalates it.

^That's true, but on the other hand, it's really basic human nature.

Human nature for adolescents. Once you get older and wiser — you don’t partake anymore.

I’m sure this experience with 2 sociopaths will help you change your mind on that one. Be happy you saw their true colors after 6-8 years. I spent 13 dealing with it because we had kids together....

Learn from this young padawan.

^Thanks, I agree that it's BEST and most ideal, to avoid confrontations altogether.

On the other hand, like I said earlier: If someone made an experiment of yelling insults at the next 100 men you see:

Probably like 80% would respond, I'd expect. Because people don't want to be insulted, and punked, and walk away like a wimp.

Heck, I've even been on the receiving end (of strangers yelling at me), and yeah, I usually respond...

But yes, you're right that it's ideal to avoid confrontations altogether.

Mainly by avoiding the larger situations that would lead to a confrontation...

When you’re older, you don’t care if there is a ‘general perception’ of getting insulted or punked. You KNOW what you did. And if you’re truly at no fault in the scenario — who cares what the F##k perception is.

You lack self confidence. I’m not saying this to hurt you. I’m saying it cuz, you need to grow some balls. You’ll feel much better about yourself, when you do. F##k the bozos 🍻

a reply to: JamesChessman

Sounds like he wanted to be your gf.