The Shed 23

a reply to: Finspiracy

Big part of it for me was coping with emotions. I get upset easily. Sometimes I'd feel like a failure or whatever. Boom. Next thing you know, I'd be back to the usual thing, indulging in the chaos. I'm stubborn as a wild horse so I'm lucky I kept getting second chances. I know some people that didn't even get one good chance. Me, I've blown through a ton. Must have good credit with someone.

a reply to: Finspiracy

You fear digging deep. Fear can stifle us and keep us away from what we need and want, positive things.

It is difficult watching a friend give up on himself. You deserve more Fin. We came close to losing you the last time and that would have brought much sorrow. There are people in your life who would have forever wondered if they could have said or did more to help you fight this dark battle. The truth is... there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change things. Ultimately it is up to you. I still love you my friend and pray that one day things may change.

originally posted by: nowayreally
a reply to: Night Star

Just saw this now NS..... absolutely, positively stunning! Ty for the wonderful start to the day!

So glad you enjoyed it! It is breath taking and magical.

a reply to: Skid Mark

HA! I haven't eaten skittles in ages myself. They sure were good though and pretty. Lol

a reply to: DictionaryOfExcuses

Emotions are a bitch. No matter how intelligent or rational one can be...those darned emotions are a beast to recon with.

a reply to: Finspiracy

May I be blunt? I say this only because I care and I think maybe you do too, somewhere inside, maybe deep down, buried in the debris somewhere. I could also be wrong. It's cool.

You are in denial, out of control and have a defeatist attitude. Diagnosing yourself and what you need to do in that condition is possibly unwise. That is not a personal attack, it's my honest opinion, I know what it's like to think like that, but it is the alcohol talking.

You never stopped drinking. You added a pill (the wrong pill, imho, opioid receptors are NOT the problem) to the mix and regardless of what your brain felt from the alcohol, your body was still getting it daily. That is not stopping drinking. In rehab they gave me chlordiazepoxide, sparingly. (And extremely painful super-dose multi-vitamins in my butt-cheek, each day a different cheek.) It is one of the mildest benzodiazepenes available. The drug has amnesic, anticonvulsant, anxiolytic, hypnotic, sedative and skeletal muscle relaxant properties. You don't notice any effects but you only get it the first week or so. It stops shakes, sweats and the jittery feelings. Withdrawal-symptoms typically last 6-9 days and are VERY mild.

I mentioned it before but will repeat it just to be sure, the reason I left rehab is because I couldn't eat prison food. Yes, the same food prisoners in Dutch prisons receive. When I finally stopped, (2 years later) I did it at home without the medication. It wasn't that bad to me. I don't know if you've seen the movie Trainspotting (the first one) but heroin withdrawal is a nightmare. Alcohol is a slow stroll through the park on a hot summers day compared to heroin or other hard drugs. You sweat a little and might have slight trouble sleeping but that really is all I felt going cold turkey.

I'm not a therapy person either. Therapy sucks, imho. You don't need therapy to quit. There are no 12 steps for me, no group sessions, no talks, just sobriety. If anyone had suggested therapy to me I would politely refuse. Once you are sober, it is nothing more than a choice and that choice will always be there but the addiction won't be. My only complaint about the rehab place was boredom and even though I had a laptop with me, their web-filter software filtered all conspiracy sites, proxies, software tools, and other things they thought gentle minds should not see. I just remember one thing. One beer will mean more years of my life will be gone doing something that is both physically and mentally harmful.

At the end of the day, we are all free to live our lives the way we choose to and if that's what you want to do, it is your choice to make. I don't seek to influence your decision or sound all "I told you so!", I just wanted to let you hear an honest observation about your post. Possibly better to do than my previous one-liner. There is more than one road is all I'm saying, probably badly.

And now I will shut-up. For good. Be well.

(Borrowed this ^^^^ from the music thread on ATS.)

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

Light, I've said this before, but I'll say it again...You are like a big Brother to Fin and I am happy he has you.

Good song!

And how are you my friend?

a reply to: Night Star

I don't know about the brother part, but I had to correct his perspective, something alcoholics aren't very good at sometimes.

I'm tired, but good tired. I almost managed 5 hours of being at work today, it doesn't happen often but there was plenty to do and not many children due to the weather. I managed to clear a reasonable portion of unmaintained jungle.

In other news, my rental company has a place free in another town. I'm thinking about enquiring if I can get it. I can't miss the money due to the new PC but the end of the month might be do-able. The toilets haven't been cleaned in going on for a year. Perhaps this other building has toilets that are not encrusted with excrement. (Sorry for the graphics, but it really is that bad. I live with dirty pigs.) I will miss the cheese shop and baker but a clean toilet is a much undervalued-thing. Back to thinking.

a reply to: Finspiracy

Hi Fin. I just noticed your post above. I work in the mental health and addiction field past 10 years- was in grad school to be a counselor. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. I don’t know your story or what you’ve gone through but I completely understand why you feel the way you do. Being mad at yourself will only increase your desire for more and make your next attempt at sobriety that much more difficult. You are right there isn’t much unfortunately. Antabuse, Naltrexone, or a benzo (which I don’t recommend) can help but still.

There’s a great guy I know that runs an ERP (exposure response prevention) program called kill the craving. With alcohol, honestly, learning how to psychologically and physiologically handle seeing liquor stores, smelling alcohol, etc in a controlled environment is realistic way of coping.

As far as other advice, I’ve had clients that would carry kombucha to parties with them so they could drink that- they found it mimics it in some ways, also thc and kratom but I’m not really sure what I am and am not allowed to post on here so apologies if I’m out of line in any way. If you want more info or have any questions please feel free to PM me.

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

Hear hear '___'

a reply to: LightSpeedDriver

Light, I hope you are able to get the other rental place. I know you have been unhappy for a long time with the place and people where you are.

a reply to: nowayreally

I hope Fin sees your post and contacts you by PM.

You're a great Sheddite!

originally posted by: Finspiracy

originally posted by: Night Star
a reply to: Finspiracy

Is that the med that helps you to stop drinking? Couldn't you ask for the dosage to be lowered? Discuss this with your Doctor. Maybe they can suggest an alternative.

There is nothing. There is absolutely nothing. I have searched all corners of this world for the answer, for the solution. Alcoholism can't be cured with a pill. It follows you always, but an alcoholic can be a non-drinking one. There are therapy alternatives, but i have been there and i can't open up with them because lack of trust that comes from a shared past. And those therapies dig deep, and i don't want to go there, scared of what skeletons might come out from the closet.

First day off the meds and BOOM right back to my old ways. I apologize for letting you all down, maybe i raised some hopes for some of you, but i can't live up to any expectations, due to being nothing.

Fin, you have let no one of your Shed friends down by sharing what you have with us. We are all humans and not the perfect people Hollywood or the media thinks we ought to be. These things happen along the path to becoming well. Once again, it was good of you to share this with us. You can always PM us if you would like to take about things.

I'm proud of my Sheddites. Such love and support, encouragement, makes me honoured to be a small part of this place.

a reply to: LoneCloudHopper2

Honored to have you Lone! I too am proud of the Sheddites.

originally posted by: LightSpeedDriver
a reply to: Finspiracy

So wallowing in drunken self-pity is the answer? It's not much of a life...

May I be blunt?

Well i guess you can be blunt, you have to be, that has been the way it has been from day one. You make assumptions. You jump into conclusions. I don't give a flying F about myself, so where are the grounds for self-pity? I take that as an ad hominem argument and an attempt at character assassination. I refuse to swallow that accusation due to it being uncalled for.

Done with this ATS site for the time being due to lack of understanding.

a reply to: Finspiracy

I get it. Happy trails Fin.

a reply to: Night Star

Good morning Night. Have fun on your day out!

ETA I googled kombucha and regretted it. The words tea, mushroom and alcohol should never be in the same sentence. Blech!

a reply to: Finspiracy

I don't know how to respond to this post Fin. Some of us came in trying to help you as we were concerned about you. I am sorry that you feel you have to leave.