Do you understand yourself?

Sometimes I wonder why ats even has a rants forum. And then I have days like today.

First some back ground. I live with and help take care of my mother. A 65 year old women with dwarfism. She has depression and severe social anxiety because of the abuse that she has suffered from men all her life. Abuse such as rape (more than once) physical and mental. But the thing that seems to have effected her the most was the emotional abuse.

So this person is living this nightmare of a life and is now married for the 2ed time. Her new husband is a monster that abuser her and her kids. This leads to her becoming an alcoholic and reverting into herself. that of course leads to neglect of herself and her kids. Because of all this I, her 15 year old son end up also hurting her emotionally when I run away from home. She doesn't see me again for over 10 years.

I was 25 when I reconnected with mu mother. She was living alone in a filthy broken down trailer. She worked 70-80 hours a week and never bathed. She had filthy pets she didn't feed right or keep clean. It was obvious to me that she was just waiting to die. It was so bad there was a broken water pipe under the house that she just let run. Costing her a 300$ a month water bill. She just worked more and payed it. I asked her why ,she just shrugged her shoulders.

Fast forward 18 years and with my constant help, literally being her friend and working with her every day. getting her to talk about her past to open up to heal. Has worked. She is now happy at least part of the time. When I first moved in with her she hadn't had any friends or family for years. I was finally able to help her get the courage to make some new friends about three years ago and that helped a lot.

Now that you know that here is my rant.
This person who is finally kinda happy after a lifetime of misery is getting old. So her body is falling apart. We will all experience this at some point. But mom doesn't seem to be caring about her physical impairments. For example: She almost can't hear at all anymore. Sometimes I can yell right next to her ear and she still doesn't can't make out the words I'm using. The state pays for her hearing tests, that she did take, and for her hearing aid. The only thing she has to pay for is 20$ monthly for the batteries.
She refuses to wear them. I try to explain to her the dangers of not being able to hear when you drive but the look on her face is like she doesn't understand what I'm saying, or can't hear me. The thing is if she can't hear me she never says so! She just acts like she is listening. If the truth is that she can't hear me and doesn't say so , why ? Why would anyone do that??

But if the truth is that she just doesn't understand that there is danger in what she is doing how do I prove it to her with out her shutting down? Because I'm a guy. And she is terrified of men. Sadly that includes any men even her own son. Though I have only ever tried to be patient with her. I never even yelled at her about the neglect or that she never stepped in to stop my step dad from beating on me. What I did was apologias to her for running away and acknowledged that I hurt her when I ran.

But even so, even when I am super careful with my wording and calm this person doesn't seem to understand or care or hear what I'm saying about there actions being dangerous.
The hearing aid is only one example. Others include leaving lit candles on a shelf in a closet with clothing hung above the candles. Literally refusing to ever drink water. The water thing has been so bad that she was forced to be hydrated by doctors that were trying to take her blood. But the water content of her body was so low that her blood was to like thick or slow moving or something ,to come out of her veins and into a needle. The doctors said they had never seen anything like it. She also has night blindness but still drives at night for super unimportant reasons, like she wants a soft drink.

Recently her arthritis has spread into her shoulders. Making it very painful for her to turn her head to the left. She can now no longer look behind her while driving. I found this out because she backed into a tree in our driveway today. When I came out and told her what she'd done she claimed that she hadn't noticed. I watched as she attempted to back into the drive properly , but she couldn't. I had to do it for her.
She is refusing to let me drive her around.

I don't know what to do without being forceful. I don't want to be forceful to a women that is afraid of men. Because she is my mom I don't want her to fear me.
But what if she gets into a wreak and kills herself. Or worse hurts someone else.

Am I wrong to feel like this is so important? It's the idea that she might kill someone in a car wreak that is pushing me to rant here. If she killed herself then it was the choice she made and I'll be ok with that. But if she hurts someone else I'm not sure if I would feel the same way about her as I do know.

She is probably dehydrated. She could be short on certain electrolytes too, I notice I can hear better and think better if I take a multimineral. If her blood is thick, maybe adding some onions to her diet might help. But highly prepared food does not work even if it contains onion powder or salt most times, other spices actually cancel out the thinning effect.

Drinking water is good but not close to meals or during meals, it can cause problems. Alcohol also dehydrates people and even after they quit, they are used to being dehydrated. Coffee can dehydrate too.

Trying to talk sense to some older people is impossible, especially if you are trying to convince them that they need to alter their diet. The majority of people are on meds because of their diet being improper. Some people need veggies, others do not need much, people who do not need much veggies are negatively effected when they eat lots of veggies for a while. Especially the green veggies. They will not desire to eat veggies, forcing them may make them sick. Same with drinking water, if a person is short on electrolytes, drinking water can be bad, it can cause cell swelling.

Some meds cause problems with people too, especially diuretics when a person is prone to dehydration. I cannot say what her problem is, but you do not want to ruin her good attitude now by dictating her either. She should not be driving if she has problems though, you should try to reason with her on that matter, if the hearing loss is not in the ear itself, many times it is in the brain, then it means she might be having some balance issues too. Because she is short, it may not seem so bad, you sway a lot more when you are tall. Falls can happen if a person is dehydrated too, Maybe she should try some of that ear wax cleaner to get wax out of her ears, I know a half dozen people who could hear lots better after their wax was removed, it was blocking their ability to hear. A kit costs fifteen bucks at walmart from what I have heard.

a reply to: scraedtosleep

Irresponsible or crazy people with candles scare crap out of me and I am dead serious. Come home once or twice to burned curtains or lampshades sitting outside the door and this danger is palpable. I don't know that there is anything you can do. Years of that behavior and apathy won't just go away completely.

a reply to: scraedtosleep

That sucks. It sounds like the way my grandma got after my grandpa died. She just gave up and didn't care any more. It only got worse as the years went on. I wish I had some advice for you. It sounds like she's slowly trying to kill herself.

It sounds like the way you've been going about things is probably the best you can do. All you can really do is keep looking out for her, being calm, and trying to convince her to eat and drink properly.

See if you can find a doctor she'll trust that can tell her these things. Sometimes with older people, they'll refuse to listen to anyone, but if they've got a doctor they trust they'll listen. Just make sure they're actually a good doctor...

You have to call the cops to take away her car keys. How did she even get a license? I had to do this with my mom before she killed someone. She wouldn't listen to me.

a reply to: scraedtosleep

Seriously, she needs to have her driver's lic. taken away from her. You don't have to be the bad guy. Inform her doctor, the authorities. It's terrible enough if she kills herself, which would lead to a lifetime of guilt on your part, but it's stopping her from killing anyone else: any innocent person out there, let alone a chid(ren). We just had to do it with our own father. It took a year before they finally moved on it.

The candles - does she even have insurance? This is your home too.

You have taken on a world of responsibility for your mother which is admiral and loving. You are an amazing son. But it sounds like you have given everything for your mother. Again, you are an incredible son. But along with this comes the hard part of having to maintain her, yours and others' safety.

I wonder if she has the start of a dementia. I see the signs, having witnessed it with my own parent. Get your mother checked to rule it out. There is also a chance she has deep underlying depression which is causing these issues. I hope it's not dementia but everything you have said makes me certain this is what is happening.

Do take care and let us know how this plays out. You must do the right thing. As much as men have hurt her in the past, this cannot be used as a safety net - of avoidance - in ensuring the continued care for your Mom.

From some parallels with my own experiences I truly feel your pain. Sounds like you've done an amazing job considering all that's gone before. Very admirable, Scraed.

You can't fix it all and I know that you are traveling a hard road with this. Glad you shared with us, though, and were able to at least talk about it a bit. Just know that you've accomplished a lot in helping her adjust better and have been there for her.

a reply to: rickymouse

Thank you. You gave me some stuff to think about that I hadn't thought of.

originally posted by: Ksihkehe
a reply to: scraedtosleep

Irresponsible or crazy people with candles scare crap out of me and I am dead serious. Come home once or twice to burned curtains or lampshades sitting outside the door and this danger is palpable. I don't know that there is anything you can do. Years of that behavior and apathy won't just go away completely.

Scares me to. I have found burnt rings on the tables because she leaves the candle burning in a glass container all night.

And once she let one burn so long that it got so hot it broke the glass and the wax melted part of the plastic case of the tv it was sitting on.

a reply to: dug88

That sucks. It sounds like the way my grandma got after my grandpa died. She just gave up and didn't care any more. It only got worse as the years went on

My mom was like that at first but is now a little better. I just really want her to keep on the path of getting better.

a reply to: olaru12

You have to call the cops to take away her car keys.

Doing that would damage her . Losing that sense of independence she may never recover. All these years of helping her become happy would be undone.

But it might come to something like this if things get worse.

a reply to: scraedtosleep Goodstuff in the replies. I'd also suggest posting what you have here, on the boards at agingcare dotcom. Lots of experience there with peeps who have or still are walking in shoes similar to yours.
Cheers to you for being such a good son.

a reply to: hiddeninsite

There is also a chance she has deep underlying depression which is causing these issues

This is well known . She takes daily meds for it. She has free state payed therapists that she could talk with but it so hard for her to open up that she refuses to try. I think the only reason I have been able to get her to talk about her issues is because i'm her son.

a reply to: hiddeninsite

As much as men have hurt her in the past, this cannot be used as a safety net - of avoidance - in ensuring the continued care for your Mom.

I struggle with this the most.

Friends, family , anyone else but her and I am blunt , honest and to the point. But she just shuts down and I feel like when she gets that way that she can't even comprehend what I'm saying. Like a deer in headlights . You ever been so scared that you couldn't think? Now imagine if a simple lecture from a loved one made you feel that way. How could that loved one ever get through to them?

a reply to: scraedtosleep

Yes, and yes. I have been there, done that and still experiencing it even though my father is 81 and I am 54. But it must be done. You can PM me anytime if you wish.

It is your job to a certain extent to protect your mother, but not isolate her from the world. She is a grown woman and at some point must accept responsibility to take care of herself. What is happening is she is dependent on you and you are co-dependent on her. The correct boundaries are not in place. I understand exactly why it is what it is, but things will only become ore difficult and it is going to destroy your life.

You might be surprised at how easily she adapts to not being allowed to drive. She isn't even driving at this point, she's just getting by on luck and lucky guesses. You have to be honest with yourself that this is the case. Is it right to take away someone else's life or child's life because of her loss of independence? She can find other ways of independence. A scooter, the transit system, handicapped transit, a senior's driving service. There are lots of options. As long as she is able to get out and about -THAT is independence. Why should her needs trump someone else's right to live, or live without an accident caused handicap.

At this point it is your responsibility to ensure the safety of other people and hers. What if she ends up in an accident and becomes bed ridden? You want a loss of independence, well that'll finish her off.

I mean this all kindly and with respect.

a reply to: scraedtosleep

I don't mean to be insensitive but it is not healthy for you to play therapist for your mom. I completely understand the dynamics here (having lived it myself), but she is taking the easy way out by using you as her therapist. You are her son and you can still love her, guide her, listen to her about whatever you discuss. But a professional therapist is what she needs.

www.psychologytoday.com...
Asking a child to play the role of an adult and it is a heavy burden for most children. In many cases, the troubles shared with children (who don't have the coping skills or life experience to know how to deal with them) leave the child feeling hopeless and helpless. Rather than augmenting a child's self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lower self worth.

It's not only parents imposing this role on their children. Some children see what is needed (or at least what they think is needed) and offer to fill the spot. For every story I hear about a parent leaning too heavily on a child, I hear about a child who wants to be seen as "the man of the house now," or "dad's caretaker."

How the Surrogate Spouse Role Impacts a Child's Adult Relationships

And don't get me wrong guys my mother has helped me just as much as I helped her. She more than made up for what happened in my childhood.

That's why I need to do the right thing for her here.

a reply to: hiddeninsite

The correct boundaries are not in place. I understand exactly why it is what it is, but things will only become ore difficult and it is going to destroy your life.

I don't agree here. In our case the dynamics of our relationship, while yes unorthodox, have benefited us greatly.

originally posted by: scraedtosleep
a reply to: olaru12

You have to call the cops to take away her car keys.

Doing that would damage her . Losing that sense of independence she may never recover. All these years of helping her become happy would be undone.

But it might come to something like this if things get worse.

No offense man, but her independence doesn't mean s# next to the safety of others.

Get on it, her license needs to be gone yesterday, not some day. If you wait, it's going to be your ass for not doing something before someone got hurt or killed.

a reply to: hiddeninsite

You might be surprised at how easily she adapts to not being allowed to drive. She isn't even driving at this point, she's just getting by on luck and lucky guesses. You have to be honest with yourself that this is the case. Is it right to take away someone else's life or child's life because of her loss of independence? She can find other ways of independence. A scooter, the transit system, handicapped transit, a senior's driving service. There are lots of options. As long as she is able to get out and about -THAT is independence. Why should her needs trump someone else's right to live, or live without an accident caused handicap.

Agreed. and most people understand this. But not many of us take those steps to forcefully take something from a loved one. Knowing that it is the correct thing to do is difficult.
Because , is my mom really that bad off and dangerous or am I over reacting?

That gives me an idea though. I should ask one of her friends how they feel about her driving. Do they also come to the same conclusion as I?