Beyond the veil of green eyes

Below is an excerpt from a scrupt I have been working on for some time, it is mostly hand written and still needs a ton of work but I thought I would go ahead and get some feed back. Thanks for reading and yes I am aware of grammer and spelling mistakes as I have not taken the time to edit it since my laptop died.

FADE IN:INTERIOR A SMALL DARK DINGY ROOM WITH SCATTERED LIQUOR BOTTLES AND TRASH ALL AROUND, A SMALL TABLE SITS IN THE MIDDLE WITH A MAN IN A CHAIR THE OTHER TWO CHAIRS ARE TIPPED OVER AND BROKEN A PISTOL SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE NEXT TO AN ASHTRAY WITH A STILL BURNING CIGGERETE IN IT.

SAM
Rubbing his eyes, he reaches for a half empty bottle of booze
Lets start from the beginning, I had just moved nine hours from all my family and friends so my wife could start a new career. I had spent my post high school life working as a local Leo in my home town. I was lucky that our new town was hiring and I quickly rose up the ranks from a beat cop to detective. I will always remember my first assignment after being promoted to the homicide division, It has literally stuck with my these last 3 years.
CUT TO:IN THE POLICE CRUISER/ ARRIVING ON SCENE AT A SMALL RAMSHACKLED SHACK OF A HOUSE
Sam sitting in a late 2000’s Dodge challenger, Sam is clean cut and well dressed he is putting the CB radio mic back on the hanger and firing up the car to leave.
SAM
Driving in route to the scene
We had received a call about an aparent suicide. As i arrived on the scene i found the responding officers and ems crews all standing outside of a little shack of a home, they appeared visibly shaken and realing from what they had seen. Officer merrick gave me a quick run down of what I was walking into

FADE OUT:
FADE IN: To a neatly decorated room that stands in contrast to the general mess of the outside of the house. Nick nacks and other items are on display around the front room

SAM Walking gently through the room observing everything but being very careful not to touch or disturb anything.

The first thing to hit me was the smell, It reaked of decay and rotten flesh. The front room was very neatly decorated and in stark contrast to the exterior of the house. I had to admit it was very well put together with odd nick naks on display on shelves through out the room. But what really struck me as odd was it was clearly a living rooom but had nothing to signify that no chairs, couches or pictures at all. I made my way down what seemed like an unusually long hallway that led to the back room where the lady had taken her life, it seemed to stretch for miles. As i neared the bedroom door the smell became over powering i steeled my resolve and stepped through the door.
CUT TO: Inside the bedroom it is clean despite the gore, has wooden floors and a made bed, no personal effects are seen. The femal lies in the middle of the floor with wings carved into the wood below her slightly visable.

SAM Nothing i had trained for or had ever seen to that point in my life could have prepared me for the sight i witnessed. A strikingly beautiful young women wearing what was left of a sheer white dress laying on her back with an earily satisified smile still stuck on her now dead face, her chest ripped open with her own bloody and lacerated hands still inside clutching her heart. I swallowed the first hint of vomit and urged myself to take in the whole scene, beneath her body was a carved, with great detail, two massive wings one resembling that of an angel or bird the other a dragon or a bats. It was a striking and beautiful sight in its own way but also disturbing and confusing, how and why had she placed her body in such a manner and could it even be done while inflicting such trauma to the body? After staring for what seemed like forever but was most likely just a few moments i started to look at the rest of the room the walls were covered in writing some i could make out others were jumbles of letters i couldnt undersand but one thing was repeated over and over, “The Green eyed beast comes” Reading that made me feel ill and I turned back towards the door and thats when i noticed all the furniture that should have been in the living room and the bedroom was pushed aside behind the door like it had been used as a make shift barricade. Realling from the sight and smell of it all i made my way back to the front of the house to take a statement from the first responders.

FIRST RESPONDER #1
We got the call at 12:49 dispatch told us they had a young lady on the line who was talking in circles and was threatining suicide.

FIRST RESPONDER #2
Yeah we arrived on scene at 1305 to find the front door locked, so we kicked it in to try to get to the stiff, it didnt take to long to find her we could hear a bumping noise coming from the back bedroom we had to push the door open to get in. and what we saw…(trailing off)

FIRST RESPONDER #1
(looking ashen, and nervous)
She was dead, and from what we could tell it had been for quite a while, I couldnt figure out where the noise we had heard was coming from there was nothing else in the room. I mean nothing that could have made that banging noise it just didnt make sense.

FIRST RESPNDER #2
(dry washing his hands together)
How did she make the phone call? She has been dead for hours if not days, i mean you saw her right and the smell its, its #ing terrible, it makes no #ing sense man. None what the # man i just mean #..


SAM
(looking lost in thought)
It’s deffinitly strange, are you sure you got your time line right? Could it have taken you longer to get here than maybe you are thinking?

FIRST RESPONDER # 1
Man if your done with us, our shift ended like 20 min ago and i need a stiff drink and a bottle of eye bleach after dealing with this # today.

SAM
Yeah guys go ahead, I have your contact information so if i have any further questions i can get ahold of you. Have one for me will ya i have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

EXT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SITTING IN THE DODGE CHARGER

SAM: SITTING IN THE DODGE CHARGER HOLDING HIS WRITING IN A SMALL NOTE PAD.
Everything pointed to this being a deranged woman who had commited suicide in one of the most unimaginable situations i could ever think of, it just didnt sit right with me. I made the call to get the CSI boys down to the scene and the coroner was already on his way.
CUT TO:Sam speaking to the CSI unit and the coroner still outside the house.
SAM
I adviced the coroner and CSI to treat this like an active crime scene and to bring any and all findings to me ASAP, and to take note of anything they might see that was out of the normal.

CUT TO: Sam sitting at his desk in the police precinct

SAM
Things were not adding up, and i was determend to find the answers so i started digging into the deceased and found a startling amount of information. Her name was Rebecca Sanchez a prodigy who had graduated top of her class at 13 from Harvard. She was a world renowned anthropologist and archaeologist and had spent the years after graduating in the field traveling the world. She had recently taken on a professorship at the local university as the head of both the archaeology and anthropology department. She had left the University on sabbatical about 6 months ago and had been in and out of mental health facilities ever sense. All signs were still pointing towards a woman with mental health issues taking her life, but i still couldnt shake the feeling that there was somthing more going on, something i just couldnt see yet. I pulled up the audio recording of the 911 call that was placed alerting us to what we were going to find.

Sam Puts on a set of head phones and clicks play on his computer

911 OPERATOR
911 whats your emergency

REBECCA
(sounding shaken and scared talking very fast)
The Evil is real, It’s coming for me we have to stop it!
911 OPERATOR
(speaking in a condesending tone)
Mam, this is 911 if you do not have an actual emergency im going to have to terminate this cal, we have other citizens that are actually in need of this service.
REBECCA
(speaking even more frantic, and starting to sob)
You don’t understand its going to kill me, its going to make me hurt myself. I dont want to die…
911 OPERATOR
Mam, my i have your name and location, i want to dispatch an officer to help with your situation.
REBECCA
My name is Rebecca and im at 66th sixpence rd, please tell them to hurry… I dont want to kill myself i dont want to die. Please help me…

911 OPERATOR
Ok, Rebecca please stay on the line im dispatching some one now. They will hurry we dont want you to hurt yourself or for you to die either ok. Rebecca why dont you tell me whats going on and why you are feeling this way?

REBECCA
Thank you please tell them to hurry. I can feel it taking hold, its coming and it just wont stop
(a inaudiable noise is heard in the back ground and the call drops)

911 OPERATOR
Ten Charlie Bravo please run hot the caller has dropped the call and is intent of self harm. She may be mentally unstable when you arrive please proceed with caution.

SAM
(slipping the head phones off, sam takes a drink from his coffee mug)
As i finished listing to the 911 call my C/O Captain Douglas barged into my office demanding to know why i was waisting my time and department resources looking into what was a clear cut case of suicide. I tried to explain to him that the time lines didnt add up, along with the barricaded door, the strange noise in the back ground of the 911 call that seemed out of place and that my gut told me this was no suicide.

CAPTAIN DOUGLAS
(visably pissed off)
You have 48 hours to prove to me that this wasnt suicide otherwise you let this go. For #s sake this is an election year and we dont need anymore open investigations. Do you understand me? Have i made myself clear?

SAM
Yes sir you have made yourself abudantly clear,
(inner dialogue: your bid for Chief is all well and clear asshole) I have 48 hours to prove to you that this wasnt suicide or close the case as such and forget about. Is that about it?

CAPTAIN DOUGLAS
(visably annoyed and angry)
Thats right 48 hours not 49 not 50, 48 and not a minuet longer, you got it. I need this case closed and done with asap we dont need people out ther worried about some crazy killer or something else to make them think were not doing our jobs.

SAM
As the Captain left i started pouring over my notes and listening to the 911 call again to see if i could hear anything else that i might have missed.

JOEL, LEAD CSI INVESTIGATOR SHORT OF STATURE, SLIM AND AWKWARD (THINK JAY BRACHELLE)

JOEL
(walking up to sams desk, with a determand look on his face)
I got the file from our initial sweep of the house. No signs of forced entry, No evidence of anyone other than the deceased being in the house ever, which is a little strange, no signs of a struggle, it all adds up to one of the most chilling suicides i have every seen but nothing points to anything else.

SAM
Hmm, what did you guys make of the makeshift barricade behind her bedroom door? And all the strange writing that was on the walls and floors?

JOEL
Well we cant really speculate on how long the furniture had been piled up there, there is just no telling really. I will admit that the writing on the walls and floor is um interesting and disturbing to say the least.

SAM
Why do you say that?

JOEL
Well all of the writing was done in blood, were not sure if it is human yet or not we are running DNA samples as we speak but it will take some time before they come back one way or another. If it comes back as human we will run it through the database and see if we get any hits on whose it might be.
Hope this helps, for what its worth this is the most bizzare case i have ever came across hands down.

SAM
(distracted and lost in thought)
Let me know what you find out with the DNA sample.

JOEL
Will do Sam, hey me and a few of the other guys are going out tonight to grab a few beers you want to join us? Were all bringing the wives so yours is more than welcome to come along if you want.

SAM
I’m going to have to pass tonight, I have a lot of work to do on this case, i know what your telling me but for some reason i just feel like there is more to this than what we are seeing.

JOEL
(walkign away)
Ok well if you change your mind we are all going to meet at Paddies at 8 let me know.

SAM
(an alert pops up on sams computer from the coroner)
The Coroners report showed up shortly after my chat with Joel, It stated the Cause of death was mass trama to the heart caused by Rebeccas own hands squeezing her own heart until it collapsed in on itself. The Coroner also noted a few oddities that he couldnt explain, a small 6 mm puncture wound in the base of her skull, the age of which could not be determend and that the spleen and a large portion of her liver were missing. And had not been found in her body or at the scene of the suicide. I made a note to go down to the coroners office when i got back but first i wanted to go back to the house and look around a bit more and to see if i could gather any more information from the neighbores.

a reply to: crimsongod21


The temporal anomaly angle:
"How did she make the phone call? She has been dead for hours if not days..."

The Coroner's report should include approximate time of death.

The scene with the Captain setting time limits seems premature. That should come later, after either:
1) Every one else involved concludes there's nothing to see here, simple suicide (unlikely).
or
2) Every one is so freaked out that they just want it to "go away" so as to move on to something more normal.

a reply to: pthena

As this is just a short excerpt from the longer handwritten story I can assure most if not all of the explanations for your comments are covered.

But to digress

The temporal paradox will be explored in detail

The captains insistent claims to close the case are multi layered beyond the already stated reason

Unfortunately my laptop is doa this making typing the rest out in proper format is beyond difficult on my phone. So I'm looking for feedback to see if I should continue and buy a new laptop or if this sgould be left to die a dishonorable death lol.

Thank you for your input.... I hope to get the resources to finish typing what I have and to continue the story in the near future....

My gofund me willing that is ha ha ha

Pls go on...

leolady

a reply to: leolady

Might be a while before I get another update out dont have a computer to type it on atm and formating it on my phone sounds like a nightmare.

But I will update it as soon as I can.