My dad passed

Well I got a call yesterday from the center my dad was at that he passed away December 26th in the evening.

I never got to go see him or speak to him after looking for him for 15 years. I have been a bit upset because I have so many questions that will never be answered. I use to think that some day I will have those questions answered but now I know it will never happen. I didn't know my father, he was in my life until I was 5. I spoke to him last in about 2002 and then we lost contact. I did speak to my Aunt, his sister and she said he chose to be a ghost and not in our lives. His family doesn't have anything nice to really say about him. I don't expect them to tell me he was this wonderful person. I just want to know who he was, good or bad. I sent him flowers on December 15th with a card telling him he was always loved and thought of. The lady at the center told me he did get them and they made him smile and he kept them next to his bed. I also had them show him a picture of my son and I which she said he also enjoyed but he didn't want to speak to me. I was the only one who reached out to him, my sister never called and my brother was too young to ever know him and didn't care to. I always wanted him in my life and my aunt says he probably stayed away because he knew it was for the best, not sure what that means but I kind of understand.

So I called the place he was sent to after he passed, there was no money for a funeral so the state takes over. I am not sure how that works out. I know I didn't know him but he was still my dad and nobody should die alone like that. I think that's what is bothering me most because he didn't have to be alone. They told me that he will stay there for two weeks and the first week of January the state will take it from there, not sure what that means honestly. They have some of his belongings which I asked if I could have. I believe it was a wallet and some clothing items he came in with. They told my his sisters only asked for the key to the house and nothing else. They didn't even claim him...that is pretty sad.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I spent so much of my life wondering about my dad and then I find him only for him to die weeks later. It's amazing what i have found out NOW after the fact where before I had nothing. All I needed was a location and I would have been able to find him.....

Edit to add: I am a female
I have pink script! I need to put some lipstick on Thor

I will reply to everyone shortly, thank you very much.

He didn't die alone, he had the flowers you sent him, timing is everything.

Best wishes

I understand how upsetting this must be for you.

Take some peace in the fact that you were the one family member that brought a smile to his face in his last days on this earth.

Bless you for being there for him !

My cousin died on the twenty sixth too, she was in her mid to upper fifties. She had some nasty breast cancer, but the treatments seemed to work well for that and she was recovering. I have not heard what happened, maybe a side effect of the chemo weakened her immune system or something. Could be she just got some bug from going to the doctors and hospitals where the sick people seem to hang out..

Sorry to hear about your dad dying. It would have been nice if he would have reached out and talked to you over the years.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I'm sorry for your loss, and even more sorry for the unanswered questions that are bugging you at an already difficult time.

I'm sure you've had other father figures help shape you into the man you are today, and all of them are legitimate dads. You'll probably find more answers of who you are from them.

Nothing can change the fact he was your biological father, and nothing takes away the fact you'll have emotions for his passing. While you may not find answers about life from him anymore, you can certainly find answers about life in this situation, and yours as a whole through life.

Who knows, maybe all of this was just the preamble for your role as a father to your son, I'm sure you're doing a hell of a job and only intend on getting better.

Cheers friend, enjoy your New Year and make it yours.

There's alot of pain there. I heard you and feel for you. This is a deep, down reeling pain and I am so sorry you are going through this. Nothing to do but walk through it but please talk to those who care about you and let them be your soft fall when you need it. Don't be too proud to share your pain and let those around you help you thorough this time as this is really some tough, tough stuff.

Know you are not alone as many fathers have abandoned their wonderful children. As a father, you will probably hold your children close knowing the pain inflicted on those children growing up feeling their were not worthy because they were abandoned by someone who should have been there for them.

Deeply sorry for these tough times. They will abate and you will be stronger.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I hate to sound mercenary about your dads death but have some legal person look into his will or perhaps hidden finances.

My dad died and left millions to a religious foundation....nothing for me. C'est la vie...

a reply to: mblahnikluver

My condolences.

a reply to: mblahnikluver


He has never been alone.....you do have a Mother right....you are his son right....unless you have no children and are old you would not understand the word alone.Your Father loved and he was gifted a son...he was never alone,you just didn't realise that you had been in his life and thoughts since the day you were born...now if you wonder if your Father loved you and those are the questions really haunting you...consider this he did not reject you when you found him...which means he had not rejected you ever....time and space work differently for all of us.....the spark of life was your gift to do with as you please...your contacting him and sharing time with him showed him how much you loved him....all he really needed was to know that you were ok and still here when he was not...and you gifted him that...I think you are a lucky person...I hope you can find a time and a way to also feel that way.

I offer my condolences to you and everyone else who has lost their loved ones. Good & bad exist in everyone & they cannot exist without each other. Without good there is no evil & vice-versa. It sounds like your father was protecting you from himself & this is a good thing. He may not have wanted you to become like him through his presence. This may have ultimately made you a better person than him. He may not have wanted to contact you because he didn't think he deserved it. I would say that the smile on his face after receiving flowers from you & a picture of your son, shows that he loved & thought of you. If he was at hospice or in a hospital, he probably had company when he passed through volunteers or a priest/rabbi/etc..

My father passed away in 2008. He was suffering from lung cancer, which metastasized to his spine. He died in hospice without me or my brothers by his side. I visited him in hospice but he died when I was not there. My brothers did not get a chance to say goodbye either. I was comforted to know that at hospice, they have volunteers who stay by unaccompanied people's side when they die to help comfort them during the process. These volunteers are some of the best most selfless people on earth.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

My heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers.

So sorry,

You are nicer than me...

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I was pretty afraid when my father died. After my father past away I was talking about it one day and someone he said, "half the planet doesn't have parents that are alive." For some reason over the years that statement has stuck with me. Now I'm just living day by day doing my best waiting to see what gets thrown at me next.

Try not to lose faith. You are not like your parents you ARE your parents. Everything that made up who your father was lives inside of you whether you are aware of it or not. You parents are ALWAYS with you.

Sorry for your loss. Maybe your contacting him gave him the peace and strength to let go?

soulwaxer

Sending that photo was a really nice gesture.

Like a really nice gesture, probably meant a lot to him knowing that you still cared for him enough to make that effort even if he didn't have the strength to speak with you.

Sorry for your loss.

Take care!

a reply to: mblahnikluver
I'm sorry for your loss. It's a bad time of year for it. How are you? Are you doing okay as you can be?

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I'm so sorry for you Mblahn. It is a difficult thing that you are going through and I hope you find strength to find some healing in it all.

One thing that helped me was beginning to decide, after many years, that my birth father chose to not seek me.

My birth father chose to not seek me...

There are other siblings, on his side, and I only have spoken with one. She made me swear that I would never reveal that we had spoken, never try to friend her on FB and never ever call her...He is dead now but, his still living wife is still upset after all of these years that I even existed as if denying that I am here denies the affair that he had with my birth mother.

As I get older the old adage of "how people treat us is their Karma, how we react is ours" makes so much sense to me (if you believe in Karma or not it can be a good message IMO).

I choose to live my life (that he gave me) to the fullest and live for the here and now and the folks that love and depend on me today. Not someone who could not just reach out and touch me for a moment. I have let him go...

I truly hope for you peace and I wonder if this is not some sort of closure of your existing life here so that you may get on with the future that you and your beau have planned?

Good luck to you!

a reply to: mblahnikluver
Im very sorry for your loss. You did the right thing though. You stood tall.

I guarantee, after he received the flowers and note, it didn't just put a smile on his face. That put his heart at ease, and he knew that you had become a fine woman, filled with love and compassion. He spent some time thinking about you.
I would hope you do get his personal items. These thing may very well answer some of the questions you have.
May God bless you, and remove any excessive sorrow from your heart.

You reached out to him and made him smile in his last hours. I'm sure that brought him peace knowing he was loved in spite of whatever may have happened in the past.

My deepest sympathy my friend.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Sorry to hear of your loss. My dad passed in Dec. 2017 unexpectedly. He went in and got his upper teeth pulled for dentures. He got a blood infection and was on and off life support for 10 1/2 months before it finally killed him due to complications. He was healthy and active. His VA doc said he was the healthiest 78 year old he ever had just 1 month before his teeth were pulled. It has absolutely killed me inside. My dad lost his ability to speak after 3 days in the hospital. I know he had a lot he wanted to say and that was the hardest part. I tried a lot to work with him to communicate to no avail. Unlike you, we were close. Still it doesn't matter if you had a little time or a lot of time to share, it hurts and you always have a million questions. I will keep you in my prayers tonight!

I feel your pain, I truly do. Just know that you will be together again when your time comes. I died twice before and you don't die. You just shed this meat sack. I was psychic and telepathic as a child. I saw my dad about 2 months after he passed and I also saw my 15 year old daughter about 2 months after I found her deceased. There are really no words that can make it better. Just know that you will be back together with your loved ones again. It doesn't fill that hole in your heart now, but it can strengthen your hope and outlook on the future.