The D-word.

a reply to: AM10101

You're right. Being in limbo is the worst part of every situation in life.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be reminded that she's not contributing to trying to work things out. Once again, while limbo is the worst part, I wouldn't bring up anything regarding your relationship unless she initiates it. If she doesn't bring it up within the one year anniversary of your separation, I would hang it up and move on. Set a deadline for yourself. Don't let her call every shot and drag out limbo forever.

originally posted by: Bluntone22

originally posted by: theatreboy
a reply to: Deetermined


Might as well be...she will stay out all night drinking and sleep all day. She has no job except for an occasional theatre gig. She doesn't even come to bed until I get up for work. I do the cleaning, cooking, and pay the bills.

Dude, you're not married.
You just have a drunken roommate.
Get out.

^^^^ 100%


You're being used. She might have someone else and the only reason she's there is because she has no other place to go. If you can't make her go.... Find another chick and just deal with your "drunken roommate"

a reply to: StallionDuck

Believe me, I've thought a hundred times when I see the check-out girl flirt with me how awesome it felt just to be noticed and acknowledged.

BUT... big but here... that's what led to my folks splitting up. I don't think I could really respect myself if I gave in to that. I have dreams where some girl tries to talk with me and in those dreams I always realize I'm married and I'd be betraying someone I made an oath to. I've always believed that a man's word is his bond; if, as a man, you can't be trusted at your word then what else can't you be trusted with?

I know it can sound archaic, and in today's society of love'em-and-leave'em it might not even be a healthy mindset, but it's part of who I am. I think it's an honorable part.

originally posted by: AM10101
a reply to: StallionDuck

Believe me, I've thought a hundred times when I see the check-out girl flirt with me how awesome it felt just to be noticed and acknowledged.

BUT... big but here... that's what led to my folks splitting up. I don't think I could really respect myself if I gave in to that. I have dreams where some girl tries to talk with me and in those dreams I always realize I'm married and I'd be betraying someone I made an oath to. I've always believed that a man's word is his bond; if, as a man, you can't be trusted at your word then what else can't you be trusted with?

I know it can sound archaic, and in today's society of love'em-and-leave'em it might not even be a healthy mindset, but it's part of who I am. I think it's an honorable part.

I get you 5x5 on that. It sounds like you have the ability to make it work. For me.. Knowing what i know now.. I would have taken a few side chances but I probably could have turned it around but hind sight.... Love is love.

Refer to my last response. That one suits the situation your're in better.

I stayed married for 8 years too long due to children. I’m like most posters here — loyal to a fault.

Don’t try and think she is going to get better or start acknowledging your feelings. It’s only going to get worse. You have used up your shelf life to her.

Now this is really important! You MUST see your child more before you go in to a custody battle. In the judicial systems, It is all about setting regular patterns of custody with your child. If you don’t start now, you won’t get much custody in the end.

Here is the second VERY important piece of advice I wish I got when I went through my custody battle:

Divorce is VERY expensive! If you don’t have at least 30k to battle in the temporary hearings and then in the final hearings — save your money and don’t hire a lawyer for the temporary custody hearings. Once that is done, push for a final hearing within two weeks max — and lawyer up.

I blew 20k on the temporary hearing. Then I had no money left for the truly important one — the final hearing. Had I reversed it, I would have more custody of my kids. It destroyed my life. Still feel the effects 4 years later.

And be prepared for her to lie through her teeth about EVERYTHING when you do go to court. Get as many witnesses and document as much proof as you can.

I feel for you brother. I wouldn’t ever want to go through that again.

a reply to: StallionDuck

I hear what you're saying. I do try to do that.

When you've been with someone this long you can't help but talk about past memories and things. What do you do when you're saying what you feel and the other person interrupts you to let you know they know that already? Or that they've been telling you this and that all along, despite you making an admission of a personal failing? It gets complicated the longer you are with someone. Instead of you having a moment to wash things away, it becomes an I-told-you-so moment for them. It can be frustrating.

I remember our first (blind) date. I was at my sister's and the doorbell rang. I was nervous as hell. I open the door and my sister's dog runs out. Our first few minutes together were chasing that dog down the street.

One meal later and I knew I wanted to see her again. I was living three hours away at the time. For five months I drove every weekend, which was when I didn't work, just to see her, crashing at my sister's place. I still remember the rush of it all, and the feeling of being swept up into something bigger than myself.

I never planned for things to be the way they are. I'm trying to get back to that clarion moment when we both had nothing but love for each other.

The problem is I feel like I'm the only one looking to get back there. There is no solution other than time. And waiting. I hate the waiting.

Hey and just so everyone knows, it's really helped to moan about this to other people. You might disagree with how I think or whatever, but just having someone even acknowledge what I'm dealing with is extremely comforting. Thank you to everyone.

a reply to: KKLOCO

Thank you for the advice. I hope in my heart of hearts that this ship can turn around, but damned if the sea ain't choppy.

I've started looking through some options, but it's a soul-crushing google search.

Your thoughts and advice are VERY appreciated.

Having been through divorce once (no kids fortunately), and close a second time, I've learned a couple things.

In a traditional man/woman relationship, male emotions seem to work differently from female emotions. Now granted, this is from a male perspective (so I guess I'm biased by default), so take it for what it's worth...

If you could give both party's in an unraveling relationship "truth serum" and ask them a few questions I'm convinced you could distill 90% of all core relationship issues down to a couple simple themes:

1. The other person needs me, I don't need them.

2. If it wasn't for me, the other person would fail. (aka...I do everything, they do nothing, hence I'm entitled to always being 'right').

These two concepts lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which is selfishness, lack of trust and unfaithfulness. The trust and monogamy issues are usually the reasons cited for the breakup, but they're not really the root cause. The root causes are the two enumerated items, not the result of those two items.

Again, I may be biased, but this (I believe) is where the differences emotionally between men and women show up. In order to understand these you have to look back at what attracts men and women initially. Sure appearance has some to do with it, but not in the way you think. The female instinctively looks for an independent male, a leader not a follower. I've always felt this is why women make some of the worst choices of men in relationships more frequently. They will pick the 'bad boy' 7 times out of 10...unless there is some other extenuating circumstance (i.e. money, status or security (only sometimes)).

Now, I can already feel some of the female members here sharpening up their claws to slay me for what I just wrote, but stay with me here. Men do the same thing, but kind of in reverse. They look for sex appeal, and diminutive personality which is not overpowering. This is equally wrong, because all of these things are on the surface.

Once a person starts feeling like they're doing everything (regardless of whether they truly are or not) things go downhill. And the longer this festers, the faster they go downhill. No words will fix this. Read that again...no words will fix this. Only actions. You can talk, apologize, grovel, try to be nice...doesn't matter, none of this will fix anything.

It's only when the other party realizes that you really don't need them to survive (and they think you do), only then will they pause to evaluate their own posture and your relationship. I've seen it more times than I can count. What you are doing is, in essence, resetting the clock back to what attracted you to begin with.

Now, if your relationship started out with what I call a "pitchfork / shotgun wedding" then none of the above will likely work, and you may just need to cut your losses and get out. Otherwise, just focus on being that same independent person again. Don't focus on "proving" it to the other party (they'll know), just do it and live it.

And a side note; many hear the word jealousy and immediately think it has everything to do with surface emotions, but there's more, and this comes in the form of lack of jealousy. "Why isn't he just green with envy because of how well I'm doing on my own, and how much fun I'm having without him???"

So, the next time you put your hand on the phone to call...think twice before you speak. Nothing but the facts. Don't try to talk the problem out (not yet anyway), because then you're playing right into the "AHA...see? He still needs me more than I need him"...and the death march continues.

By doing this you actually kill two birds with one stone. If, in the end, you both realize that you don't need each other, or you don't like each other, then maybe you weren't meant to be together to begin with. And, in the process you've already learned to be happy independent of the other person at the same time.

That's all I got for ya.

a reply to: AM10101


I will raise a glass to that!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Dont forget Money and Bills... That's massive in any relationship.

a reply to: AM10101

All good brotha. Sometimes we just need to be heard. None of us can change your mind or make you do anything. In the end, only you will do or do not but your own choices, not ours and not by our advise.

I was in your boat once and I lived through it. I looked forward often and wondered how the hell would I be able to go on and certain I wouldn't be around for a couple years because my soul would surely die.

I'm sorry you're going through hell and I'm sorry it'll get worse.

I don't even miss my x one little bit. I can't stand to even talk to her and have no reason to, yet she will call me out of the blue to tell me I'm an asshole. Even though we don't have one thing between us. She probably misses me but I can't stand her

Still, to this day, I still dream about her very often. Though in my dreams, it's all pre-adultery. I don't even know in my dream that any of that happened. Only that we're together or working things out in our old home and all that. Overwhelming feelings when I wake but only for a moment then I realise it was just a dream that was telling me something else. I don't want her. I just want what I had in the form of loving relationship. That's all my dreams mean.

You'll go through that, probably for many a year to come. Mine ended in 2010 and 8 years later the dreams are there.


Good luck and the best to ya man. I really feel for ya. It was a horrible thing to get over... But I am over it. Just know that will also be your future should things go bust. But... You'll learn, you'll grow and you'll in the end apply the better parts of what you know and stray from the things you knew you shouldn't have been.

a reply to: AM10101

My ex wife is my most trusted friend, we celebrated our anniversary with a meal and few pints yesterday, we always do...we wouldn't have had our son if not for that amazing day.
It was a 'no fault' D word though, we just married to young and our lifestyles changed...my best friend though, I'd risk my life to try save her.

a reply to: StallionDuck

Dude, you have no idea how much better your words make me feel. I know so many have gone through this, but when you're in the middle of it you can't even imagine anyone feeling the pain you feel.

You've got a good perspective and I admire that; the dreams are hard. For one brief moment when I awake from them I forget what's happened and I roll over expecting her to be there.

You are awesome and appreciated, my man.

Keep up the good fight.

a reply to: StallionDuck

That's EXACTLY what I mean bout being independent! Don't forget, few of us are happy go lucky teens anymore without a worry in the world.

Things like bills being paid (and, on time) and keeping up with regular life duties are exactly what I was referring to as being independent. I certainly was NOT referring about going out to the bars and having a great time with one-night stands!

Real life stuff.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and go.

In my case, when you're told more than once "You don't look the same as you did X years ago" and there are other pointed comments about lack of attraction due to that, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to conclude there's not a lot to be done. Especially when the other person has gained weight, is balding and going gray, yet somehow I'm the one that's supposed to remain eternally 25 years old while they age normally.

Said person had also been playing around the internet dating sites for years, while declaring how faithful they've been (as if their Tinder dalliances being online somehow made them immune from being called a cheater) and I was told just thinking about another person, ie fantasizing, is cheating.

He never called and always expected me to contact him, then criticized me because he was never in the loop. Left for hours, sometimes all day, without a word about where he was going and it was always on me to call him to find out where he was, then if I did I'd often get told he didn't have to check in with me as he was an adult and could do whatever.

Wooooo... That all is a bucket of worms I can't even being to delve into. I'm not qualified to figure out that mentality.

He's moved on to his own place in another town and seeing some side piece he'd been seeing previously. It's not been easy and I can't afford the divorce, but at least I can start to rebuild.

To add, I'm NOT the easiest person to get along with. I fully admit that right now. But I put up with so, so much BS. A total lack of empathy during the most emotionally painful times for me. Being ignored for years until I was socially isolated and depressed and had zero self-confidence really did a number on me. I'm terrified right now and having a rough go of getting back into independence.

I think letting go is for the best even if I'm scared to death of it all. I just wish I could go back home. Not having family up here is the worst of all. I do have my daughters, but all the rest of my family is an entire country away.