The D-word.

All too often I've heard of married couples who split up and divorce over some of the most trivial things. It's usually due to a lack of communication. But what if one person is communicating and the other doesn't listen? Not simply doesn't listen but refuses to acknowledge you are even speaking? I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I was this unassailable tower and that my story would somehow be different from millions of others. I think I was wrong.

I've given 38% of my life (yes, I checked the math) to one person who time and time again has been so very ready to point out my faults and failings. Each and every argument has ended with me extending the olive branch. I've never had them say something like, "Look, I know we disagree but I was wrong to do/say X." It's never happened. I'm the one who has to "make things right." I'm the one who is forced to acquiesce so that there can be a peace. I am the one who apologizes so that life returns to it's tumultuous norm.

I'm tired. I'm tired of having my out-stretched hand slapped away in spite. I'm tired of trying desperately to keep lines of communication open only to be ignored and side-lined. I'm tired of caring so much more for them than they do for me.

I hate it. I hate the waste and the longing. I hate the sleepless nights and the empty ring of a telephone I know they won't answer, hope as I might. I thought that I deserved more than that after 38% of my existence being spent with them and for them.

Am I blameless? No, not by any means. I wrestle with myself daily trying to find someway to be better, stronger, and more honorable. I simply asked the same of them - no deflection, no excuses. Just be honest with yourself and with me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have a child with them and, as bad as it may sound, I wish I didn't. I could just cut loose the stubborn knot and sail free. I fear what poison might be whispered about me, what accusations are laid against me when I've no chance to respond. Must I wait days? Weeks? Years?

There is a part of me that wants vengeance, a part of me that wants reconciliation, and another part that just wants it all to disappear.

I'm sure some of you have gone through something similar, and you've found light at the end of this dark tunnel. For me though the wound is fresh and raw, and I don't see a way to staunch its flow. I have been so very wounded and though it may seem trivial to some, to me it is of great importance.

Merry Christmas.

a reply to: AM10101

Personally, I would start an immediate trial separation and see where it goes from there.

I have no answers for you, just support.

I am going through the same thing. It hurts. It hurts being lied to...and about, it hurts being used, and it hurts to just plain be thrown to the side.

a reply to: AM10101

I've been married for 24 years. More than half of my life has been spent with her. She is my best friend.

One thing I know for sure is that both of you took marriage vows. Both need to live up to those vows.
Things cant be one sided, and you cant keep score.

When you are not happy you need to speak up about it, if that doesnt help you need to get out.
My mother in law had her 32nd anniversary.
She was miserable.
My wife asks her if she was trying for 50 miserable years....
The lady finally filed for divorce and had been happy ever since.

Do something about it.

a reply to: theatreboy

Are you separated?

Until there is distance from one another, the cycle will keep perpetuating itself. People only truly analyze their relationships and situations when there's been a serious change to it.

Been there, my friend... for 11 years. Unfortunately there was no light at the end of my tunnel in the form of fixing it. However, in the end, I wouldn't be where I am today had I not gone through it. My current location, my current job, current enjoyment and lifestyle... Had I stayed married and things worked out, I wouldn't have any of this. I'd still be miserable and poor because she was a total ##### and a leech and I tried to hold on and make it work. In the end, she cheated... I forgave and she cheated again... I self anylized and self sacrificed every single day because of her, to make her happy and it just couldn't be done.

Now...
- I'm stress free
- Was able to excel in my job and not get stuck in one place
- Able to save a crap ton of money
- More toys to play with that I couldn't pay for before

AND ... I was making more money when I was married!

To me, marriage was a life long thing... Once you did it, you didn't walk away from it. That's what I believed. It was very hard to walk away from when it was all over. I hated life and everything really sucked. After all was said and done and I moved to excel in my job which I had been offered years before.... The weight of the world seemed to fall off my shoulders like water off a duck's back.


I don't, will never encourage divorce but for some, it's the only way to find happiness and sanity again. Though, for me, I didn't have kids with her... And she initiated the divorce. I made her pay for it herself.


I have no answers for you. No one does. Only you understand what YOU are going through and only you can make that choice.

Either way, best of luck to you!

a reply to: Deetermined


Might as well be...she will stay out all night drinking and sleep all day. She has no job except for an occasional theatre gig. She doesn't even come to bed until I get up for work. I do the cleaning, cooking, and pay the bills.

Sadly relationships are almost always difficult. I am lucky, but this is my second marriage. My first was much like yours. She left me and I didn't want to because I thought it would mess the kid up (and it did, in a big way). However she was sure I was the worst person alive or something. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't all that bad either. Anyway there was no getting around it I suppose.

In the end, my son tells me she also is mean to her current husband and is never really all that nice in general. I just think some people find it really difficult to be humble and satisfied or something. Not too sure what the deal is. I don't think anyone is.

I wish you the best and make sure you take special care of your child in this scenario. It may affect them in a terrible manner.

a reply to: Deetermined

Yes. About 450 miles separated.

My main thing is I just wanted to talk daily about what's going on, especially with our child. The response is that they need their space. I even suggested just a five minute "status report" phone call. No need to hash everything out at once. That was too much to ask though. Apparently I warrant so little of their attention that they'd rather check facebook on their phone than ring me up.

I guess I thought being married meant you at least speak to each other once a day. Silly me and my old-fashioned ideas.

a reply to: Deetermined

Sorry, I see now you were responding to the other poster. My bad.

a reply to: theatreboy

She's definitely taking advantage of you. She won't change until you force her to do something for herself and quit living off of you. Some people need that extra push to get a realistic perspective on what's really causing their unhappiness and bad behavior.

a reply to: StallionDuck

That's how I've always felt about marriage as well. You made a promise, a vow, an oath. We didn't have traditional vows but what I said that day meant something to me. Still does, that's why this is ripping me up inside. I said from the beginning to them that due to my father cheating on my mom while I was growing up and causing their marriage to fail, that anything short of that one act I could forgive and get through.

It's just so very hard to realize that I cared and loved so very much more. I loved so hard I was willing to swallow my pride and say I was wrong when I most definitely wasn't on many occasions. I see now that was probably a mistake, but I kept telling myself "big picture, greater good, keep soldiering on."

a reply to: AM10101

Have you been separated for long?

Not being able to speak to your child is truly unfortunate and there is no good remedy for that. Have you worked out any kind of visitation schedule via email? You're still entitled to that regardless of whether you're separated or divorced. It must be difficult living that far away too. If you've been separated for at least a year and it doesn't look like there's going to be any change, it would be best to go ahead and file for divorce, if she hasn't already. At least that way you can get things legally squared away concerning your child.

a reply to: AM10101

Yup. I know this all too well.

When theres an argument between the wife and I, no matter how unlikely or illogical her accusations are,
I am the one who has to appologize.
In my wifes case, she is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
She will set there fuming for days on end, thinking some how she is right.
But to get the bs back to half assed normal, I just appologize and its like a switch flips back to normal setting in her melon.

Let me tell ya though, every single time I have to do this, I grit my teeth, thinking how is this even possible for someone to be wired this way.

a reply to: Deetermined

It's been about 4 months now. For 3 of them I never got any return calls to even know if they were still alive and breathing. I just kept calling and hoping and getting disappointed.

Finally we talk and everything seemed ok, until I brought up the point of being the only one to call and figure things out. Then it turned into an absolute s# storm of things like "I don't need this right now" and "I'm hanging up, bye...CLICK"

Like I said, I'm no saint. I shoot my mouth of sometimes, but I have always ALWAYS recognized when I'm in the wrong. I never get that in return. It's like I'm this giant scapegoat that they can point to and say "See? They're why everything's messed up."

I just hate the limbo.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Yes, this exactly! When I try to use the logical point of, "How is it even possible that you are in the right 100% of the time? Even by sheer chance I would have to be correct occasionally" it's like I was saying I eat babies or something. Total shut-down, silent treatment garbage that they know I hate.

I've always had the mindset of not letting the sun go down on an unresolved dispute. It's maddening to be in a relationship where they'll let something just hang for months at a time.

originally posted by: theatreboy
a reply to: Deetermined


Might as well be...she will stay out all night drinking and sleep all day. She has no job except for an occasional theatre gig. She doesn't even come to bed until I get up for work. I do the cleaning, cooking, and pay the bills.

Dude, you're not married.
You just have a drunken roommate.
Get out.

originally posted by: AM10101
a reply to: StallionDuck

That's how I've always felt about marriage as well. You made a promise, a vow, an oath. We didn't have traditional vows but what I said that day meant something to me. Still does, that's why this is ripping me up inside. I said from the beginning to them that due to my father cheating on my mom while I was growing up and causing their marriage to fail, that anything short of that one act I could forgive and get through.

It's just so very hard to realize that I cared and loved so very much more. I loved so hard I was willing to swallow my pride and say I was wrong when I most definitely wasn't on many occasions. I see now that was probably a mistake, but I kept telling myself "big picture, greater good, keep soldiering on."

In the end, it all depends on what you're willing to go through. Sadly, you have no idea if it'll end before "in the end".

It could turn to cheating or other things.

You're willing to go through thick and thin but how much 'PAIN' and suffering are you willing to go through? I wouldn't wish the withdrawals on my worst enemy because I hated to open my eyes every morning, when I could sleep... It was a nightmare for a couple years. It was almost unbearable.. I loved TOO much to let go. You will go through it... Worse than you're going through now. But... Would you rather do it now or later? Later when you may love even more? Or maybe you'll distance your feelings between now and then and push away when you have nothing left.

Or like a bandaid to save some of your feelings for someone else rather than them being crushed and your selfesteem turns to zero while your ability to trust is far from easy. it's all messy

It's all a gamble.

It's so much easier if the other is willing to work with you. If not... Personally, I feel it's over and it'll only get worse.

If it's over... The more over the top thing to do is to cheat to keep your self respect.. Yeah, I know it sounds backwards... But you want to find a way to toss those feelings... Only way you wont be broken is to walk away hating or not caring at all.

But hey... I give bad advice... Don't listen to me. lol

a reply to: theatreboy

I'm sorry you are going through this mess too.

I understand having everything being expected of you while being expected NOT to expect anything from the other person.

Hell, if I could I'd grab a beer with you and we could do some karaoke or something.

Much respect to you.

a reply to: AM10101

STOP TALKING ABOUT PROBLEMS and Blame...

Every day the day before doesn't exist. That's how you succeed. Every day should be like the first date. Don't point, don't blame, just enjoy life.

Clean slate man. That's the only way. Don't pry, don't question, don't guess.... Go off of what you two say to each other and treat it like it's the first day.... you can't go wrong that way.

Say you had an epiphany.. You're sorry. Wont happen again. Take it day by day. Work it out. AND DONT screw it up by doing any of the above

Remember... 1st date and don't expect things to come fast. Be the guy she fell for, not the guy she pushed away from.