My family

Here's a rundown of my family. It's a long one folks, lol.

Mother - hasn't spoken to me for almost 4 years.

On Christmas Eve she told me she would be bringing her new dog (her 2nd) over to meet my 6 month old son. The dog is a Staffordshire bull terrier. I said no and didn't want the dog in my house.
Christmas day she turned up with the dog. I didn't let her in. She stormed off and returned 5 minutes later, throwing the Christmas presents we gave her at my wife. She the went home and defriended me, my wife and mother-in-law on Facebook. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Also, her boyfriend is a convicted felon. He did live in America at the time and was jailed there, then deported to the UK where he was born.

Father - Only see him twice a year at best.

He remarried and took on her 3 kids. He didn't even turn up for my kids birthdays. Last year, he wasn't going to visit at Christmas and was planning on bringing the kids presents a few days later. He only came for Christmas when I told him he either came before or not at all. Basically, his new wife keeps him busy with her family.

Brother - Hasn't spoken to me for around 3.5 years.

He takes our mothers side on everything. He did keep in touch after she stopped speaking to me but refused to come to my boys 1st birthday party. No gift, no card Just stopped contacting. He's never worked, smokes, drinks, gambles and does drugs. He uses our mother for money. He also spends his time with our mothers boyfriend, drinking and doing drugs which she turns a blind eye to.

My Aunt (Mothers sister) - She visits regular.

She doesn't talk to her sister anymore after trying to arrange a surprise party for her birthday. Apparently she found out and for some reason went mental. Now they don't talk. My kids call her Auntie as they don't have anyone else and she does spend a lot of money on them. She doesn't have any other family.

My mother-in-law

She's on her own, disabled and we do what we can to help her, but she doesn't make it easy. Her husband walked out on her 15 years ago. Moved to another country with just a suitcase. He just couldn't take her nagging anymore. She is very negative and thrives on other peoples misfortunes.
She doesn't like me as I stood up to her bullying my wife.

A couple of examples of her behaviour;

While planning our wedding, we went to a wedding show. Her mother and my mother came along. For some reason, in the middle of the hall, in front of about 4 thousand people. She started shouting at my wife. Something to do with her not getting a say in any decisions. She initially said she would pay for everything, then most of it, then just a few things and then just the invitations. We paid for everything ourselves. My wife was in tears, I had to console her while her mother was escorted out the show. She threatened several times to boycott the wedding for various reasons until I told her to grow up or stay away.
We then found out she was spending thousands on her house. New windows, new bathroom, landscape garden etc. It was her money so I cant object but she said she couldn't afford to help with the wedding.

My wife and I were buying a car. This was our first as we couldn't afford one before. Her brother agreed to drive us to the showroom. For some reason, her mother came as well. We were going for a used car as that was the best we could afford. We bought one we liked and spent our savings on the deposit, with a 4 year finance plan. Her brother then said he could do with a brand new car but couldn't afford it. Her mother said 'I'll pay for it'. And did. In full. Again, I cant object as it's her money but it just seemed a bit strange. (He no longer speaks to her)

A final example. She now pleads poverty and tries to get us to pay for her shopping. We have before when its just a few items.
One day, she came to visit. She is only round the corner from us. She didn't stay long and left again. After she left, we realised she left a piece of paper on the chair she was sitting on. It was her bank statement. I wont disclose what we seen, but it was more than we would ever imagine. She's never mentioned it, and we've never mentioned it. But we believe it was intentional. Why? Who knows.

Brother-in-law (and his wife) - No longer speaks to us (or his mother), mainly due to his wife.

He and my wife were close growing up. Remaining close into their 20's. When we announced our wedding, we asked if his then girlfriend would be a bridesmaid. Big mistake. She complained about everything and tried to cause as many arguments as possible. Teaming up with my mother-in-law to criticize every decision we made on the wedding. Then, they announced they were getting married, the wedding date would be a few months after ours. Everything became about their wedding.

Here's a few highlights since.
They argued at our wedding, causing a huge scene. Supposedly because he was not giving her enough attention and talking to our guests.
She had a major argument with my mother-in-law over something that has never been explained, at her hen night, prompting her family to arrive at my mother-in-laws home the next day to try and attack her.
She encouraged him to apply for a new job, which he got. He was made redundant a few months later. She kicked him out for losing is job and her family forcibly removed him from their joint home. They got back together several months later.
She was sacked from her job for falsifying records over a period of years. She got caught when she boasted about it.
She delighted in telling me and my wife how poor we were and how well off she was. Eventually it was revealed she was using her grandparents credit cards and wiped them out.
She walked into a hospital, telling them she was a danger to herself and others. She was referred to counselling and was cured after 2 sessions.
She damaged her ankle and knee while trying to attack my brother-in-law. He locked himself into a room and she tried to kick the door down.
She has spent the last few years switching from a walking stick, support boot to a wheelchair and back again. Also walking unaided on several occasions.
My wife's gran passed and the funeral was far away, we all had to take a flight. My mother-in-law, as she is disabled, was offered assistance by the crew and helped onto the plane. My sister-in-law went mental, claiming she was more disabled but had forgotten her walking stick.
At the funeral, she introduced herself to everyone and anyone as being disabled while holding out her blue badge.
On the flight back, she argued the whole journey over who was more disabled.
Finally, every Christmas and birthday they have bought gifts that were not age appropriate for our kids. We said nothing, just disposing of them, until they gave us gifts for our 6 month old that were plain dangerous/chocking hazards. Clearly labelled for 3 years +.
When we told them it was unacceptable, they played the victim and accused us of being jealous of them. We were defriended on facebook and contact was lost.

So there you have it, that's my family. Our kids are the ones that are missing out. My 4 year old regularly asks when Grandad is coming.

I don't have an answer.

originally posted by: Nostranova

So there you have it, that's my family. Our kids are the ones that are missing out. My 4 year old regularly asks when Grandad is coming.

I don't have an answer.

not really missing out if theyre assholes.

kids are curious. they want to feel connected.

my dad is dead. world is better without him.
my wife does not talk her to her mother or father at all. her dad lives local.
my mother and step dad live local and we see them every now and again. not too much.

i have 4 brothers that are scattered around and never really talk to them.

once every couple years i might see 1 of them once.

my daughter is six and she recently started asking about her family.

by way of who are my cousins? things like that.

she will ask about her grandparents..

i just say she has nanny. thats my mom
i tell her my dad died and we tell her than her other grandfather and grandmother are not very nice people so we dont talk to them.

that seems to satisfy for a while. then she asks again.

i dont like to lie to her but she is just six so she does not need all the details.

they are not nice people is enough for now.

just be honest but omit some of the juicy # man.
kid is just 4

a reply to: Nostranova

It's sad but sometimes families just suck. I could write a book about mine.

As far as your belief that your kids are missing out. NO please don't think that way.
They are missing nothing, you are giving them a significantly better life than with those dysfunctional people in it.
I always say, break the chain, and be the grandparent your kids never had.

And just to show you, that you don't have the worst, one of my in laws is directly related to a serial killer.
I also had a relative make fun of me for using.... coupons. Yes, using coupons. Well isn't Karma funny, her house is in foreclosure now. I'm not happy that anyone loses a house, but some people are their own worst enemy!

Focus on giving your immediate family your love and time, slowly over the years it will become easier to accept your family for what they are.

a reply to: Nostranova

The old saying goes, you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family.

My version of "family" would make a pretty good Lifetime series.

At the end of the day, it isn't about them and their lives, it is about yours.

The ones that are happy that you are happy? Keep those.

The ones that don't? Be polite at family gatherings, but give them no slack.

As far as your children?

Be there for them. Don't sink into the family politics about them. Be the better person.

When they grow up, they will realize what happened, for the most part.

They will want answers. Tell them where you screwed up and where you didn't.

Let them come to their own conclusions.

At the end of the day, family can make you or break you... if you allow that.

Don't let them change your life.

Allow them to be a part of yours, if it is a positive and you are OK with it.

Otherwise, they are just people, like yourself... opinionated, fallible, imperfect.

An opinion from one who has worked on that her entire adult life...

Wish you luck.

I told all, and I mean all, of my family to get #ed.

Best thing I ever did.

Why do I have the feeling at least half the people you mentioned are not only quite obese, but likely chain smokers as well. Sounds like a typical old school American family to me.

I guess I am happy to have great supporting parents and a brother that minds his own business.

There sure were a lot of people ignoring each other in your OP.

Should probably take their advice .

Run the hell away, put a world map on the wall an throw a dart at it. Then go there.

originally posted by: Fallingdown
There sure were a lot of people ignoring each other in your OP.

Should probably take their advice .

family.. blood forms the biggest ocean you can never cross.

you can go to Mars and still hear their insidious whispering.

a reply to: Parishna

You can’t pick your family .

a reply to: Nostranova


You don’t need that sh#t. Best to keep the family harmonious.

I understand feeling bad about your son asking for grandpa. It’s a shame. I wish more people understood that children need these bonds if possible, especially when they are young. If they wait til the kids are teens, they won’t know them or feel connected.

The most important thing your son needs are his parents, so just be strong for each other. Your mil sounds like a horrible person.

Take care of yourselves, let the pack of wolves fight each other.

a reply to: Nostranova

Perhaps it's just me, but I believe a saw the words...

Money
gifts
money
bank account
money
gifts
pay
afford
poor

...more than just a few times.

Seems like the problem here is money.

originally posted by: Fallingdown
a reply to: Parishna

You can’t pick your family .

Still.. we have a particular nose. has a kink on the bridge, swoops down a bit, then flattens out. I describe a monster, but it is only when you see us all in the same room you go, "Are you all related?"

I never got to pick it.

originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
a reply to: Nostranova

Perhaps it's just me, but I believe a saw the words...

Money
gifts
money
bank account
money
gifts
pay
afford
poor

...more than just a few times.

Seems like the problem here is money.

This is exactly what I was going to say. There's probably more going on here.

Agreed that a common theme seems to be money, substance abuse, and tinge of mental health issues, that’s a pretty terrible trip. Makes my family seem downright functional and my parents are on their 3rd marriage to each other (yes they divorced twice and went back for a 3rd try, can’t call us quitters anyway!)

a reply to: BigDave-AR


It sounds to me like quite a bit of disrespect (mother throwing food at him at Christmas over a dog, that she was asked not to bring).

Mil being a cheapa$$ with her daughter yet doing everything for son, and now expecting them to do things for her, and they are good enough people to still help her.

This is more than a money issue, sounds like control issues to me. Forget that.

a reply to: Nostranova

I have found the practice of Ho'oponopono to be useful, in building some inner peace about this kind of stuff. Once it becomes a habit, just letting go of sticky negative attachments gets way easier.

Basically, it amounts to apologizing and asking forgiveness...mostly just silently in your head...to the other person, for whatever you may have done...or maybe just been blamed for...first.

It is quietly empowering to forgive and seek forgiveness...especially from yourself. I most often use it on me, rather than others. I do it out loud, when I am alone, because it just seems more powerful to actually hear it.

Usually, when we find ourselves angry with someone else and their choices or behaviors, it is a reflection of some kind of fear that we have, of that resonance in us. When you can dig that out and process it internally, it is far easier to let go of, and rededicate that energy to something positive for you and those we love.

Not always easy to transmute anger into positive energy...but, well worth the effort. One of the questions I like to ask myself in such moments is, "Would I rather be them, or me?" This allows for reducing that energy into just a bit of pity for them..and gratitude for what I am and have.

Anyway...you can read up on Ho'oponopono, if you like. But, essentially, it's 4 simple statements.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

In words of the famous philosopher William S. Preston Esq. "Be excellent to each other!"

Stay well!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice.

Indeed, well spotted. The main problem is money. Everyone seems to focus on how what clothes you wear, what car you drive, what jewellery you wear and how many holidays you have. If you have more money then somehow that means you can say what you want, tell you how to raise your kids, look down on you and treat you like trash.

As per my OP, you can see how that turned out for some people.

I have never asked anyone for help but do expect family to provide gifts for my kids on birthdays/Christmas. Doesn't have to be expensive. I think its very unfair they have to miss out on this just because 'adults' cant behave themselves.

I would rather they miss out than have to deal with the family I have though. Would be nice if a few more were normal but that ship has sailed.

originally posted by: Atsbhct

This is exactly what I was going to say. There's probably more going on here.

The only other thing that went on is while these people delighted in telling us how poor we were, we were quietly working on our long term plan. We both worked hard and saved for our own family. Watching someone achieve and improve their position seems to upset people. Especially when they stand still, or fall backwards.

We also never reacted to any negative comments and simply got on with our lives, depriving them of the drama they were looking for.

As the kids get older, we will tell them as much as we think they can handle while ensuring they understand it has nothing to do with them or anything they done.

originally posted by: Parishna
I told all, and I mean all, of my family to get #ed.

Best thing I ever did.

That made me laugh out loud, thank you.

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: BigDave-AR


It sounds to me like quite a bit of disrespect (mother throwing food at him at Christmas over a dog, that she was asked not to bring).

Mil being a cheapa$$ with her daughter yet doing everything for son, and now expecting them to do things for her, and they are good enough people to still help her.

This is more than a money issue, sounds like control issues to me. Forget that.

Yep, it is about control and as per my response above, she has no control anymore as she now realises we don't need her money. One main reason for the issues between my wife and her mother is just stupid.

When she had just turned 21, her mother and brother went out shopping. She was in her room listening to music. Her father was in the house somewhere.

Her mother and brother returned, and asked her where her father was. She didn't know. He had been planning for months and walked out, leaving the country. Her mother told her she should have stopped him and has blamed her ever since.

She doesn't accept she drove him away and still hangs onto the fact my wife was in the house and was somehow supposed to stop him.

As for my mother, she didn't like being told no. She behaved like a spoiled brat, overreacted and still hasn't gotten over it.