Excerpts From A Trial [TCD2018]

Selected Excerpts from the case of CLARK COUNTY vs. *REDACTED*



THE BALIFF: All rise! The honorable ISSAC PARKER presiding. Court is now in session.

THE COURT: Good morning everyone, please be seated.

(Whereupon everyone sits)

THE COURT: Please read the charges.

THE CLERK: The defendant, *REDACTED*, AKA ‘HEELS’, residing in the city of LAS VEGAS, CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA, is charged with MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE for knowingly and willfully causing the death of GUNTHER M. DAVIS formerly of ULM, GERMANY.



MR. KLINE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my name is Robert Kline, I am the District Attorney for Clark County and in this case I will lay out for you, with clear and concise detail, how the defendant, Mr. *REDACTED*, also known as ‘Heels’, did brutality and methodically murder his employee Gunther Davis on the night of October 9th, 2017 and then callously disposed of his remains in the desert outside of Las Vegas. I will show the depraved indifference to life that *RECDATCED* demonstrated on that evening and that he has a pattern of abhorrent and sociopathic behavior.



MR. DEWEY: Good morning ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m Frank Dewey of the law firm Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, and I will be representing *REDACTED* in this case. Contrary to what the D.A. stated earlier I think, once you’ve heard the testimony and evidence, that you’ll find that this is a clear-cut case of justifiable homicide in which my client was solely within his rights to enact. I will also show that my client is a caring and kind individual, an overall lover of life and was forced by the decedent into this action. This choice weighs heavily on him as he felt he had no other option.



MR. KLINE: The prosecution would like to call Mr. Bradford Liddle, Chief Medical Examiner for Clark County.

THE COURT: Please swear in the witness.

THE BALIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in this case?

MR. LIDDLE: I do.

THE COURT: Proceed.

MR. KLINE: Can you identify this photograph, labeled EXHIBIT 1?

(Whereupon an image is projected onto the courtroom screen)

(Whereupon there is gasping from the audience)

(Whereupon a juror vomits)

(Whereupon THE COURT uses his gavel)

THE COURT: Everyone! Please! Settle down! I know these images can be disturbing but please try to control yourselves. Bailiff! See to that mess! Continue.

MR. KLINE: Thank you your Honor. Mr. Liddle, can you identify this photograph?

MR. LIDDLE: Yes. Those are the remains of Mr. Davis.

MR. KLINE: How was he killed?

MR. LIDDLE: By a fracture to the top left frontal bone and severe brain trauma.

MR. KLINE: How was this accomplished?

MR. LIDDLE: With a 42-ounce framing hammer.

MR. KLINE: Let the record show that the murder weapon in question is labeled as EXHIBIT 2.

(Whereupon the DISTRICT ATTORNEY holds up a bagged hammer)



MR. KLINE: Detective Jones, you questioned the defendant about his actions, what did he tell you?

MR. JONES: He stated that he killed Mr. Davis because he put ice in his bourbon.

MR. KLINE: Ice! He killed a man over ice?

MR. JONES: Yes, sir, that is what he stated.

MR. KLINE: Do you feel he acted alone?

MR. JONES: While we did find three pig masks buried with the remains at this point we feel it was a sole action due to the defendant’s DNA being the only one recovered. It was on numerous cigarette butts found at the crime scene.

(Whereupon the DISTRICT ATTORNEY holds up a bag containing multiple cigarette butts)

MR. KLINE: Let the record show this as EXHIBIT 3.



MR. DEWEY: The defense would like to call *REDACTED* to the stand as a character witness.

THE COURT: Please swear in the witness.

THE BALIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in this case?

*REDACTED*: I do.

THE COURT: Proceed.

MR. DEWEY: Please state your name for the record.

REDACTED: *REDACTED*.

MR. DEWEY: Do you go by any other names.

*REDACTED*: Yes, my friends call me Slender.

MR. DEWEY: How do you know the defendant?

*REDACTED*: We’re friends.

MR. DEWEY: Would you describe his character?

*REDACTED*: The best! He loves puppies and kittens and would never hurt anyone.

MR. DEWEY: No further questions your honor.

THE COURT: Would you like to cross examine?

MR. KLINE: Yes, your honor. *REDACTED*, do you or do you not own a white windowless van with the words ‘Pokémons inside’ written on the outside?

*REDACTED*: Uhhh….

THE COURT: Please answer the question.

*REDACTED*: Yes. But…

MR. KLINE: That’s all, no further questions.

THE COURT: Rebuttal?

MR. DEWEY: Yes, sir. Was your van ever used in the commission of a crime?

*REDATED*: No! Never! It wasn’t used to move Gunther’s body and it wasn’t used to move some showgirls wrapped up in a carpet last week either. I don’t know anything about that. Oh, and I never wore a pig mask.



MR. DEWEY: Please state your name and occupation for the record.

MR. WHEATLEY: Harlen Wheatley, Master Distiller for Buffalo Trace.

MR. DEWEY: Is it wrong to put ice in Bourbon?

MR. WHEATLEY: Hell yes! Only a moron would do that.

MR. DEWEY: No further questions.

THE COURT: Cross?

MR. KLINE: Ah, no your Honor.

MR. DEWEY: The defense would like to call *REDACTED* to the stand.

THE COURT: Please swear in the witness.

THE BALIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in this case?

*REDACTED*: I do.

THE COURT: Proceed.

MR. DEWEY: Please state your name for the record.

REDACTED: *REDACTED*, but my friends call me Creeper.

MR. DEWEY: How do you know the defendant?

*REDACTED*: I think we're friends.

MR. DEWEY: What can you tell us about his character?

*REDACTED*: He eats a lot.

MR. DEWEY: Do you love children? Strike that. Do you like children. Strike that. Have you ever been arrested?

*REDACTED*: Not recently. No.

MR. DEWEY: That is all.

THE COURT: Cross examine, counselor?

MR. KLINE: Yes, your Honor. How far away do you have to be from schools?

*REDACTED*: 1,001 feet.

MR. KLINE: Did you or did you not open a pizza restaurant where people could bring their children into a kill room and wrap them in plastic wrap?

*REDACTED*: Yes, but the idea didn’t go over too well because some people on the internet thought it was stupid and made bad Yelp reviews about us.

MR. KLINE: No further questions.



MR. DEWEY: I’d like to call *REDACTED*, the defendant, to the stand.

(Whereupon THE DEFENDANT walks to the stand)

THE COURT: Are you wearing women’s shoes?

*REDACTED*: Yes. Yes, your honor. These are my 4” pink Jimmy Choo’s. Well, technically they’re not mine, I borrowed them from a friend.

(Whereupon THE COURT shakes his head)



MR. DEWEY: Did you want to murder Mr. Davis?

*REDACTED*: No. He made me do it.

MR. DEWEY: How?

*REDACTED*: He put ice in my Bourbon.

(Whereupon there are gasps from the audience)

MR. DEWEY: Could you repeat that a little louder?

MR. KLINE: Objection.

THE COURT: Sustained.

MR. DEWEY: Why did you bury Mr. Davis in the desert?

*REDACTED*: I couldn’t afford to send him back to Germany, so I wanted to give him a decent burial here in the United States. He was always sad, not because I beat him or anything, I think it was because he was German and I thought this would make him happy.

MR. DEWEY: That’s all your Honor.

THE COURT: Cross?

MR. KLINE: Yes, your honor. Are you a Trump supporter?

MR. DEWEY: Objection your Honor!

*REDACTED*: Yes, yes, I am!

THE COURT: Sustained.

(Whereupon THE COURT addresses THE JURY)

THE COURT: The jury will disregard that answer.



MR. DEWEY: So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, to sum up once again, this was not the heinous action of a mad man but the last line of defense for a kind, considerate employer who, as an expert stated, was only asking for the right thing and not an adulterated beverage suitable for no one.



THE COURT: Has the jury reached a verdict?

FOREPERSON: We have your Honor.

THE COURT: Are you Australian?

FOREPERSON: Yes, your Honor. But I live here now, less deadly insects and reptiles in Nevada.

THE COURT: I see. Please hand your verdict to the clerk.

(Whereupon the FOREPORSON hands the verdict to the CLERK)

(Whereupon THE COURT addresses JUROR #5)

THE COURT: What happened to you, son?

(Whereupon the FOREPERSON looks at JUROR #5)

JUROR #5: I, uh, fell in the shower and broke my arm.

JUROR #10: I did too your Honor. Broke all my fingers. Really clumsy.

JUROR #2: Me too.

THE COURT: Did anyone not fall down?

FOREPERSON: I didn’t your Honor.

THE COURT: Please read the verdict.

THE CLERK: We THE JURY, in the case of CLARK COUNTY vs. *REDACTED*, find the Defendant NOT GUILTY.

(Whereupon the audience erupts in shouts)

(Whereupon the DEFENDANT hugs his attorney, opens a Snickers bar and eats it whole)

(Whereupon THE COURT uses his gavel)

(Whereupon the DEFENDANT addresses THE COURT)

*REDACTED*: I could show you how to really swing that thing better.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

That was flippin funny...........rigged but funny!! Great job !!

a reply to: Tarzan the apeman.

Thank you, it's a sequel to this other very fictional story:

Gunther Takes a Nap.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

DAMMIT!

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FICTION NOT-. . . . .

. . . ummm, great story!


I liked the part about the shoes.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
I liked the part about the shoes.

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named didn't.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
I liked the part about the shoes.

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named didn't.

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named should not have let me in her closet!

a reply to: DBCowboy


Technically she didn't let you in, you kinda just sauntered in there. What detail I always find the most troubling is that you both have the same enormous shoe size.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus


Honestly? I have to stuff tissues in the toes.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Honestly? I have to stuff tissues in the toes.

She does have giant kangaroo feet, doesn't she?

I wonder if we talk about her enough that she'll come back and hurt us.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

If you say her name 3 times in front of a mirror, a dingo will eat your baby.

a reply to: DBCowboy


I don't think I would like that since I would end up going hangry.

Considering the quote I picked for my signature, I snorted pretty hard at the pink 4 inch pink Jimmy Choo's Although, I do have to point out he said they're "####-me" pumps, Aug, it's the choice shoe brand for the deranged!

I suppose this was inevitable

All of it

:-)

(and I was wondering where she's been too)

a reply to: Nyiah


That's where I took the line from, and Heels didn't want to get a contempt of court by swearing, he was in enough trouble as it were.

originally posted by: Spiramirabilis
(and I was wondering where she's been too)

She's watching. Always.

Good to see you and DB got off the murder charge. I didn't know you smoke and wear heels.

originally posted by: Skid Mark
Good to see you and DB got off the murder charge. I didn't know you smoke and wear heels.

I was not on trial for murder since I'm not stupid enough to toss DNA-laden evidence all over a crime scene. Except for the one time at that elementary school but this story wasn't about that.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus


It was ICE in my bourbon!

*shakes head*

What is it that's so hard to understand!

There's even active protests to get rid of ice.

The people have spoken!

originally posted by: DBCowboy
It was ICE in my bourbon!

I totally get it, I would brain someone with a hammer too if they put ice in my Pappy.

#YouInTheHeadWithAHammer