Help me I am in Hell

My new job is killing me-
Its in a noisy filthy metal manufacturing factory full of danger and machines trying to kill me,but that is not the problem.

My problem is my long standing back injury which i didnt tell the company about or I would not have got the job.
Years ago I had a fall which caused 10 years of the worst case of sciatica.
I didnt take up the doctors adivce to have an operation,because it was 50/50 if it would make me better or worse.
As I couldnt imagine anything worse I opted for exercises and yoga instead of the operation-I had managed to snap two transverse processes of two of the lower spinal bits near to my pelvis.
Permenant nerve damage,pain and a horror of a temper ensued.

I never told my family because I didnt want them to worry,but my back is basically somthing which rhymes with "potally pucked ."

However,I have managed to fight back to some kind of normality through excersises,yoga,kung fu training and the stubborness of a million mules which I was luckily blessed with.

So I am used to dealing with serious sheet.
But the pain has come back with a vengence-body goes into shock,I know this because I start vibing like a phone and vomiting follows.
I hide in the toliet and puke every few hours like a freaking anorexic.It does not make me better,its a reflex thing.

This job is killing me,constant lifting of +30-45kg burning hot metal,lots of back twisting and shoulder and neck muscle use for 8 hours a day,starting at 4 am.
Holy crap,its turning me into a nasty person.
I strive to be good,I want to help people but this job is making me into a monster-
I have never before considered suicide,but now the idea comes to me more than a few times a day.
I wont do it because my wife would hate me,and I love her more than anything,but still the thoughts have popped into my head,which is bloody scary.
I am usually a peace loving person but I have already nearly killed my boss when he blamed me for a mistake I made-due to not being taught how to use a certain machine.
Boss(steroid using body builder) freaked on me,and my reply made him scurry away and hide like a little beeotch.
He later came back and grovellingly apologised to me and said he should not have told me off..he was scared of me.For good reason I think.
Its not the size of the dog in the fight...
I have already scared a few other dudes who are massive guys-I am a skinny guy optimised for high altitutude Himalayan walks.
3weeks 10 hours a day with 20 kg back pack up to 5000meteres above sea level? Zero problems for me.I am made for that.
I have seen bigger guys than me pass out or collapse with altitude sickness,and helped load them onto helicopters while feeling fine..
But this job?
Holy crap I am literally dreaming of finding Russian PPsh guns and causing mass extinctions in my factory...Even though most of the guys are decent gents,in my dreams I am doing them a favor by slaughtering them.
I totally know this is wrong and I would never wish to harm anyone,but WTF,something is wrong in my head.

I am a peace loving vegetarian nature lover with buddhist sympathies who only works to support my wife-I would be happy living in a tent but I want the best for my wife so I cannot leave my job.I love her with all of my heart and more.

So any ideas?
Apart from a different job-I have to stay here at the moment,but I want to reclaim my lifelong record of trying to be a decent person,without scaring people...
I have never had a parking ticket,never been in trouble with the law but this job...by all that is holy,its turning me into a demon.
I need some tips or advice on how to remain non violent.

Please Brothers and Sisters of ATS,answer my call.
Its an emergency.

Thank you all in advance,for reading and for any replies and suggestions.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

Go to a pain management doctor and get your life back. There’s no reason to put yourself through that when there are medications that can help.

If you don’t have insurance, sign up for the ACA. Despite what a lot of people think it’s still going strong and accepting enrollments. There may be something more seriously wrong if you’re throwing up from the pain. See a doctor.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

You are doingvthe right things in regards yoga. Might I suggest finding a good Thai Medical massage practitioner in your area? Back in my clinical days sciatica was my specialty, I would combine Thai and Shiatsu with great effect.

There a number of old poultice recipes, one of which I learned in italy where the lady actually applied the herbs in the formbof an actual omellete! worked hands down, better than any topical Ive ever seen. Ill dig through my notebooks, if I run across it Ill get back with you.

Oh, Cranial/sacral technique works wonders too, best of luck.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

If I were having thoughts like that, I would be freaked out too. I think a common response will be "Get help immediately". I think that's apt advice, but I want to tell you that I've had thoughts that greatly distressed me and which made me ask "Am I OK?" That can be really scary.

I agree with Ralph Waldo Emerson: that every man can see a little farther down his own path than anyone else. (Not to be pretentious.)

By that I mean that you probably know what to do. Sometimes the scary thing is doing it. You seem like a good guy. If you knew that you needed to commit yourself for a week, two weeks, while you get your life sorted out, do you have the guts to do it?

If all you need to do to dispel these demons is ask them questions, do you have the guts to do that? What if these thoughts were a strong message, that, even though scary, could simply be a message that you must make big changes? What if you could ask questions in return, the inner answers to which led you to your own salvation?

Just thinking out loud. Get it together brother - your wife needs you.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

I have never had a parking ticket,never been in trouble with the law but this job...by all that is holy,its turning me into a demon.

You know what to do.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

Keep doing what you are doing and all you are going to do is get worse.

I worked for 10 years or so with sciatic pain... had a L5-S1 disk that got worse and worse.

I tried to work through it and applaud your efforts. I too was doing it for my loved ones.

One morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom and sneezed.

The disc collapsed.

I was told that the disc, when it collapsed, severed a part of one of my sciatic nerves. The pain was... profound.

The doctors gave me a slim chance to walk normally again and I would probably need a catheter the rest of my live. I could not run again, I had a lot of places in my left leg and butt that were numb. My bladder didn't work and I had no control of my colon.

I was lucky and had an amazing surgeon. During the surgery, they had to backtrack a little because I had worn that disc for so long that pieces of it had worked their way up my spinal cord so they had to flush it out.

I was in great shape and ate well before the surgery. I went from a walker to walking 10 miles a day in 2 months. I regained control of my bodily functions. They still say I have catastrophic nerve damage and will never recover.

I found a desk job at 6 months. Went back to work in 18 months. My wife had to work 2 jobs and we lost absolutely everything.

2 years to the day I ran my first mile again.

That was 12 years ago... we got everything back and more and I feel awesome.

Long and short, if you don't get it fixed now, you are in for a nightmare when it collapses.

So figure it out and get it fixed before you end up where I was once... the 2AM with a whiskey bottle, a shot gun and thinking that I was no longer a useful person thing.

Just get it fixed... it's the only longterm solution.

An opinion from one who has been there...

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

Have you considered acupuncture? It can work wonders for nerve pain- I can personally attest to that. On the plus side: it's medication and side effect free!

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

You just need to man up and work it off mate... I'm sorry, but their doesn't sound like theirs any other solution.

Whenever you feel like taking your frustrations out on others, just work harder, until you don't even have the physical energy to unleash your frustrations, even if you wanted too... Find a way to make hard work your drug of choice.

Such is life.. It ain't fair, but whatta gonna do?

Get x rays and see what's going on. I worked for years in horrible pain, went through pain management, weeks of injections, therapy etc. Eventually found out I had spinal stenosis and other back issues. Without pain meds I wouldn't be able to function. You could be doing more damage to yourself with all the heavy work you're doing.

You will be no good to yourself or your wife if you end up worse. See what exactly is going on and if you can no longer work, apply for disability. You can't continue on the way you have.

Are there any placement agencies near you? I'd eyeball them and see who they partner with to get you into something decent that isn't going to eat your soul via pain.

The only commiseration I can offer doesn't apply as blanket advice, but maybe there's inspiration in sharing anyway.
My husband broke his back in a parachuting accident (training gone really wrong) & has a lovely implant as a consolation prize from the military doctors, but he has a ridiculously high pain tolerance & doesn't even take RX pain meds for his worst days (just tylenol or aspirin)
He used to be a major fan of hard labor work, but did have to admit as he got older, the less it agreed with his back (like you, he also never disclosed his back issues) Eventually, he had to settle for not just realizing, but understanding that his back limited him & he had to consider alternative job positions in the industrial stuff he's used to. Less hands-on sweat-driven, more office desk jockey. Right now, he's borderline middle management, and it suits his work ethic (it's a stressful grind, but he thrives at it)

Part of his problem for so long was being stuck in the mindset that if he wasn't sweating buckets, he wasn't working. He knows better now, and if the same mentality applies to you, I suggest you examine yourself deep down, because you're likely selling yourself short for nothing.

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Are you trolling? This is awful advice.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Are you trolling? This is awful advice.

Your right... He should just quit his job now, then live the rest of his life on disability.

Is that better advise?

Thank you everyone.
I am worried that one wrong move will incapacitate me,a sneeze a wrong turn anything like that couold do it.

I have tried many things:

Chiropractors,different kinds.
Massages,many.
Bowen.
Kung fu.
Qi gong,
Meditation,differnet kinds.
Sound therapy,ultra,infra,etc.
Even ahem,ladies of the night before marriage and with the neccesary protection.
Some things help but not enough to stop the negative thoughts i am now getting.

Anti depressents I have ruled out,due to the increased suicidal tendencies as described on the packets and from what I have seen happen to other users,some my friends.

Illegal recreational drugs are out,as even mary J would fog my head in my job,and foggy head may result in loss of hands/limbs/eyesight.

My wife helps me more than anything just because I want to be a good person for her.
My attitude is always to try to maintain a non violent (unless cornered) persona.
i wish to maintain my clean sheet in terms of zero criminal record,but my pain level scares me and sometimes others.
I am on my 43rd spin round our local star,and I believe in peace.To maintain that is very important to me.

Its hard to explain,but because of pain I have sometimes felt rage that would put a serial violent crimminal to shame.

I want to maintain peace because I know I have the capacity for ultra violence.
But to be violent would mean I have lost control.
I refuse to let that happen.

I refuse to get fat.
I refuse to become reliant upon pharmacuticals which will probably do me more harm than good.
I refuse to be violent unless its life or death.
I refuse to sucuumb to my pain but its damned hard.
Its a challenge every day.

I REFUSE.I am one stubborn MOFO

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Strawman.

Anything serious to contribute?


But congrats if your goal was to make a mockery of someone's plea for compassionate advice.

originally posted by: Subaeruginosa

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Are you trolling? This is awful advice.

Your right... He should just quit his job now, then live the rest of his life on disability.

Is that better advise?

Since I doubt he can resolve the problem medically, it could be the better option for him before he's physically handicapped from it.

Seriously Sub, you're usually more sympathetic than this.

a reply to: Silcone Synapse

I hate to tell you what you don't want to hear, but this kind of job isn't for you anymore. You REALLY need to understand this before it handicaps you to a wheelchair permanently.

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

yeah,thats one other thing I refuse to do.
I will not rely on my criminal government to provide money for me.
Fork that.
I would rather eat worms from the gutter than rely on the government for money.
And I would happily do that,but I need to provide a decent life for my beautiful wife.

Without her,I would not care about my own existence.
But for her I will work in hell forever.

Love hurts.

a reply to: Nyiah

Am I the only in the thread reading this person saying that they are experiencing rage and suicidal thoughts that are both new and sometimes difficult to control?

originally posted by: Nyiah
a reply to: Silcone Synapse

I hate to tell you what you don't want to hear, but this kind of job isn't for you anymore. You REALLY need to understand this before it handicaps you to a wheelchair permanently.

I totally know its not the job for me but circumstance dictates unfortunatley.
I have to attempt to make the best of a horrid situation.

Thank you for your reply.

originally posted by: Subaeruginosa

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Are you trolling? This is awful advice.

Your right... He should just quit his job now, then live the rest of his life on disability.

Is that better advise?

Or he needs to fix it and have a chance at a normal life.

What experience have you had with what the OP is going through?

You are essentially saying work until you collapse... then deal with the injuries sustained.

Which will most likely be spending the rest of his life on disability.

Your advice sucks and you should feel ashamed of yourself.

Although I doubt you are capable of that.. I've read your posts, you see....