Adult Autism a Disappointing Answer

originally posted by: Blue Shift

originally posted by: Annee
Basically, its the way your brain is wired.

That's a possibility, but what does that even mean? Is the way my neurons are connected significantly different than those of most people? Is it an electrochemical problem -- a shortage or overabundance that can be corrected? Nobody knows.

Yes, it's easier with children. You can force them to go through therapy and teach the dog to walk on two legs. And from what I understand, a lot of autistic kids turn 18 and it just goes away. Lucky bastards. For an adult like myself, though, I've done my painful walking on two legs exercises for years, which is why I'm still alive. But it's easy for some to blame me for not trying hard enough. Because they don't know.

Desire is the root of unhappiness, I guess.

I don't think autism goes away. I know ADD/ADHD can be affected by puberty.

I'd say independence at 18 -- not being forced by a controlled "round hole" school system -- gives much release to finding a path that fits better.

originally posted by: Blue Shift
But it's easy for some to blame me for not trying hard enough. Because they don't know.

Brother I can relate. And it gets harder and harder to pick yourself up and get back in the ring...but you have to do it.

a reply to: ketsuko

But that's only with some people. There are myriad stimulants and non-stimulants that can be tried for ADD/ADHD, and none ever seem to work in the same way on all people, but there are too many to try to keep experimenting, especially in the ones that have multi-week build-up and wean-off periods.

We have just found that for our particular son, early behavioral therapy without medication worked the best--but as a parent, I had to learn to be okay with some of the behavior aspects that he cannot control and help adjust the ones that could be controlled.

Oddly enough, once he went through the big rush of puberty around 12, his hyperactive tendencies have diminished quite a bit, and he's better able to deal with things like loud noises and crowded spaces and having to go places and be in situations that he doesn't like--those were big problems pre-puberty, but not "normal" issues that comes with those ages.

It's all different for everyone--that's why it's a spectrum and not a scale. As time goes on, he may need a medication for maybe schooling purposes, who knows. It always seems to change year to year.

originally posted by: Blue Shift
Yes, it's easier with children. You can force them to go through therapy and teach the dog to walk on two legs.

Having dealt with it with a child, even though he's high-functioning, it was much harder dealing with the Asperger's at that point in his life than now in his early-teen years.

And from what I understand, a lot of autistic kids turn 18 and it just goes away. Lucky bastards.

No, it never truly goes away, according to the different psychologists we've been to for my son and the multitude of books and information that my wife and I have read.

Like Annee already noted, some people can grow out of the ADHD tendencies that seem to go hand-in-hand with Asperger's quite often, but the tendencies truly attributed to the autism spectrum never go away.

That's not to say that, as people mature, they cannot find constructive ways of recognizing when the autistic tendencies are happening and can better deal with them in quicker ways, but the underlying cause for the behavior never goes away.

For an adult like myself, though, I've done my painful walking on two legs exercises for years, which is why I'm still alive. But it's easy for some to blame me for not trying hard enough. Because they don't know.

Desire is the root of unhappiness, I guess.

I know that you probably don't want pity at all, but I feel for you. I have shed countless tears over wishing that my son could experience even just a day without the symptoms of his Asperger's, just to get a break from what has to be a constant struggle that he probably doesn't even realize that he undergoes (because that's his normal).

Like I said before, you can get diagnosed and get behavioral therapy if it truly is Asperger's, and it may or may not positively affect your life--all I know is that if you don't take that route and give it a chance, there will always be that "what if" in the back of your mind.

I truly wish you the best.

a reply to: Annee

I think it's great there's more awareness of different neurological "styles" these days. When I was in school either you sank or swam--no "life jackets" in the form of alternative schools, etc. that we have now in Oregon. I sank like a brick, and in spite of having plenty of untapped potential I simply was expelled after being seen as a problem child. My point--I didn't have a chance to make it through high school. At 18, without support or even a single clue what was actually wrong with me, I was far worse off and it lead to a lot of unnecessarily awful years. It wasn't independence...it was banishment. My world--though it was small at the time--had tossed me out. Such a painful experience that too many young people are having. It makes entering successful adulthood very hard, seemingly impossible in tragic cases. Maybe in my life I'll be able to help others who share my experience.

a reply to: Annee

I think that you're hitting the nail right on the head.

For basically 18 years of an Aspy's or more-severe autistic person's life, they are forced to live in a structured box full of overcrowding, inappropriate learning techniques, loud noises, bright lights, awkward (forced) social situations, and the like.

Once they are able to leave that environment, even if it's just to a similar one that has a bit more breathing room, like college or a desk job, probably feels like such a weight lifted from that individual's shoulders.

I can't even imagine, and it really affects me to think about how long 18 years of that relative hell is for these children.

a reply to: SlapMonkey

I didn't even start to suspect that I might be on the "spectrum" until I met someone with Asperger's in college. I just thought I was weird. I've always had a very hard time making friends, but it wasn't until I started seeing my mannerisms mirrored back to me from this person that I realized that, in a very very overgeneralized sense, nobody likes me, and it's the same not-likingness that our peers in school had toward him. Nobody liked the guy, but he was as sweet as they come. They laughed at him, and that's when I realized that people laughed at me, too. I started to read about the autism spectrum and so many things fit my personality, mannerisms, thought processes, and behavioral/emotional cycles. Even comorbidity with ADHD, bipolar, gluten sensitivity (not sure if that's the correct term), etc. It's kind of a long road. I am very firmly convinced that I will learn in my life that my tendencies are an asset. It's just about finding that square hole.

a reply to: DictionaryOfExcuses

I hate hearing that people laugh at you. I sincerely, sincerely hate it for you and everyone else that it happens to, for any reason that they cannot control.

Looking back, I'm quite certain that my cousin has Asperger's, and I always just thought that he was a nerd and a dork and just weird. There was a time where we shared schools for one year (he was a year behind me and it was Jr. High...the meanest times in schooling), and I basically ignored him because I didn't want people to always be reminded that he was my cousin because he was a "weird kid."

I could not feel more terribly about that looking back. I never outwardly treated him mean, I just wasn't there to be a good cousin for him, even though that I knew that he was struggling with making friends and being accepted. We're in good with each other now, and never really weren't, but I just wish that I would have been a bit more accessible for him, knowing what I know now.

I have fears for my son going into high school this year, but the good (and bad) thing about him is that he doesn't really take crap from people--but that might backfire and get him in physical trouble. But that's okay in the long run, as long as it's not recurring bullying, because he needs to realize that his actions have consequences, and it might wake him up to the reality that he does say things in rude manners, or is openly offensive at inappropriate times.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that he never gets in a fight or ostracized in any way because of his behavior...abnormalities?...but he can only hear mom and dad say it so many times and disregard it before real life might literally smack him in the head, ya know?

In any event, I wish you the best with the struggle.

Off-topic question--do you have handwriting issues? My son has dysgraphia, with is often associate with Asperger's. His handwriting still looks like an 8-year-old's, and it hurts him to write with a pen or pencil because he grips it so hard involuntarily.

a reply to: SlapMonkey

That's just it ... *if* you need medicating, then that won't be all you need. The medication helps quiet the brain, but it doesn't help with the other neurological issues that come with the disorder. For those, you need other interventions.

And, as you say, sometimes just a combination of the other things can be enough if done diligently.

Too often, parents assume the pill is all that's needed, so the kid never gets any follow-through.

originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: SlapMonkey


Too often, parents assume the pill is all that's needed, so the kid never gets any follow-through.

Oh, I've known some of them.

a reply to: dug88


If you go to the doctor for a perceived mental problem even if you haven't got one. You will be diagnosed with something exotic. Then given pills for it. Because that's how the world is. Then after a while you will believe that you have a mental condition, simply because if you have been diagnosed with one, then who are you to say otherwise. Then after a few years on the pills the damage will be evident and you really will have an identifiable mental illness. When the fact is we are all insane and are just acting civilized because it gets us more things with less effort.
The problem with the civilised state of affairs is that you can be labeled as a such and such, which keeps the money coming in for the labeler but , as far as you are concerned your life could change for the worse. I remember a time when if you stood out from the mob by dressing differently you were considered insane. Or if you said to a doctor that you go astral travelling in your sleep, you would definitely be called a Schizophrenic. Or if Gay considered a mental case as well. Ninety per cent of this modern society is bull# , and should be taken with a pinch of salt, and enjoy the humor it provides.

originally posted by: SlapMonkey

originally posted by: Blue Shift
I'm not buying it. It would be like somebody thinking they're right-handed their whole life, and they take some tests and a professional now tells them that the way their brain is wired, they're really left-handed. Hooray? Now they can start writing with their left hand and everything will be better? Or will it be more like, "That explains why my handwriting is so crappy!" But they're still going to have crappy handwriting.

Well, I'm not selling anything, so you don't have to buy it at all.

All I know is that I'm dealing with a 14-year-old son who is in denial about being on the Autism Spectrum because "autistic" is a current slang derogatory term, so he doesn't want to accept it and deal with it. The reality is, though, that he will never be able to recognize when the Asperger's has control over particular actions and approaches to situations if he doesn't want to see it.

My son is a very good person with a big heart, but who, because of being an "Aspy," can come across as rude and disrespectful when he is not intending his words or actions in that way. He has selective memory about situations and fails to realize that he's experiencing life slightly differently sometimes than it really is happening (generally in how he acts in social situations).

Like I said, get diagnosed or don't, it's no skin off of my back, but I just thought that I'd give you some anecdotal situations to show that I understand the struggle that you may be going through--disregard or appreciate as you deem fit. But in my life experience--and I'm only 39--knowledge is power, even if you don't realize how or why it's good to know something.

Best regards.

"can come across as rude and disrespectful"

I deal with autistic people on a daily basis. Recently one girl trying to befriend another, asked "do you think you are beautiful". Then after she got the answer said "no, I think you are ugly".

So to her, being beautiful or ugly was a state without any positives or negatives. Being free of the programming that dictates our opinions. She was just stating a fact. Not trying to be hurtful.

So sometimes a disability is really an ability,

originally posted by: Blue Shift

originally posted by: SlapMonkey
No, it allows you to understand what may be affecting your life.

I'm not buying it. It would be like somebody thinking they're right-handed their whole life, and they take some tests and a professional now tells them that the way their brain is wired, they're really left-handed. Hooray? Now they can start writing with their left hand and everything will be better? Or will it be more like, "That explains why my handwriting is so crappy!" But they're still going to have crappy handwriting.

I was diagnosed as an Aspy in my mid-twenties, and it was a truly life changing moment for me, suddenly I wasn't just weird or odd anymore, I was an aspy.

Truth be told, it had me in tears when I was told, here was this guy who I'd never met before and he knew everything about me, from the dynamics of my personal relationships through to how I think, this guy knew me better than anyone.

A diagnosis can give people answers to questions about themselves, and can be reassuring.

originally posted by: MerkabaTribeEntity
A diagnosis can give people answers to questions about themselves, and can be reassuring.

Well, I guess that's what I'm saying. It can be reassuring, but if you dig into it a little deeper, past the limited satisfaction of "my illness now has a name," it's more like somebody telling you that you've been in prison your whole life. Not why you're there, or how to get out of it, just that you're in it. Duh. I already knew that. Re-categorizing it as "autism" doesn't really help.

originally posted by: Blue Shift

originally posted by: MerkabaTribeEntity
A diagnosis can give people answers to questions about themselves, and can be reassuring.

Well, I guess that's what I'm saying. It can be reassuring, but if you dig into it a little deeper, past the limited satisfaction of "my illness now has a name," it's more like somebody telling you that you've been in prison your whole life. Not why you're there, or how to get out of it, just that you're in it. Duh. I already knew that. Re-categorizing it as "autism" doesn't really help.

There's enough info online - - you can learn anything/everything you want to know.

There are online forums/support groups.

You could look for a support group in your area.

For me (most likely on the spectrum somewhere) - - I have found that our social & work world are designed in certain ways.

You have to live in this world. Trying to fight it is useless. Therefore, on my personal time I am all me - - - elsewhere I look at it almost like a video game I have to play.

At 72 years of age, having raised both ADD & Spectrum kids/grandkids - - - this is what I have learned.

The world is not going to change for you.

originally posted by: ketsuko

Too often, parents assume the pill is all that's needed, so the kid never gets any follow-through.

Yup, and I would dare to say that this is the majority of the parents with children with ADHD and similar issues and the status quo expectation of schools.

Not to go off on a tangent, but this unchecked and mass-promoted use of pills as a cure-all is why we're seeing many of the issues--some of them deadly--in schools today.

a reply to: glend

Oh, I agree--unfettered honesty is something that my son has, but not to the extreme of many others with ASD. He can keep his opinion checked sometimes, but not all of the time. It really is a struggle for him to do so, but I think that it will get better with age and maturity.

Social situations have always been his weak point--he never knows when enough is enough, either when trying to be funny, or when being too honest, or asking questions to the point of annoyance, etc. Again, this is bettering with age, but I'm concerned about his first few months in high school, because if he gets off on the wrong foot with the wrong people, he may be branded as this-or-that for the year, and I'd hate for him to experience that.

originally posted by: SlapMonkey

originally posted by: Blue Shift
I'm not buying it. It would be like somebody thinking they're right-handed their whole life, and they take some tests and a professional now tells them that the way their brain is wired, they're really left-handed. Hooray? Now they can start writing with their left hand and everything will be better? Or will it be more like, "That explains why my handwriting is so crappy!" But they're still going to have crappy handwriting.

Well, I'm not selling anything, so you don't have to buy it at all.

All I know is that I'm dealing with a 14-year-old son who is in denial about being on the Autism Spectrum because "autistic" is a current slang derogatory term, so he doesn't want to accept it and deal with it. The reality is, though, that he will never be able to recognize when the Asperger's has control over particular actions and approaches to situations if he doesn't want to see it.

My son is a very good person with a big heart, but who, because of being an "Aspy," can come across as rude and disrespectful when he is not intending his words or actions in that way. He has selective memory about situations and fails to realize that he's experiencing life slightly differently sometimes than it really is happening (generally in how he acts in social situations).

Like I said, get diagnosed or don't, it's no skin off of my back, but I just thought that I'd give you some anecdotal situations to show that I understand the struggle that you may be going through--disregard or appreciate as you deem fit. But in my life experience--and I'm only 39--knowledge is power, even if you don't realize how or why it's good to know something.

Best regards.

We have ran across each other in gun threads as we have opinions which differ, but I would like to say as I also have a son with Autism if you ever need to talk or discuss with a fellow parent the trials we face, I would happily offer my time to discuss it.

You could easily have been writing about my son, but in the UK medicinal treatment is not really pushed, which I am happy about, My son is currently facing moving from Primary School to secondary, this is a massive challenge for him and also myself as a single parent.

I insist the world needs to bend more to the autistic spectrum than the autistic sufferers being tasked with fitting our noise filled, angry society.

Good luck with your future and genuine good wishes to your child

a reply to: UpIsNowDown

Wow...doing it as a single dad. That must be hard and I give you massive respect.

Yeah, the same goes to you--the private-message option is always open to you, too.

Of course, as far as medication goes, that was only about his ADHD--there is no medication that can address the symptoms of ASD. I give my wife all of the credit in the world for that decision of ours, as she is more natural-oriented and wanted to avoid synthetic drugs as much as we could without negatively impacting our son's life. We really pushed a cleaner diet, removed red dye from his diet for a long time, etc, etc. I don't know if any of that worked at the time, but if all of those changes eventually culminated in where he's at now, I'd say it was a good decision.

Best of luck to you and your son, too.

As for disagreements in gun threads--meh, that's bickering over policy. This type of discussion in this thread is really what matters in life.

a reply to: SlapMonkey

This type of discussion in this thread is really what matters in life.

I echo this sentiment

The issue in the UK is purely finacial, recent articles suggesting that cuts to services linked to these difficulties are now bearing there sour fruit

National Education Study April 2018

My current battles involve my local authority trying to push my son into schools which are not suitable for his well being, I understand EVERY parent has problems/worries when moving from primary to secondary schooling but with children with special needs I am sure you understand how any negative encounters can impact on you child.

Children are being expelled or falling out of schooling as they are still seen as A problem, my son is the most loving person I know (yeah i am biased), but as he is still 11, discussing his own difficulties is something I have not yet done with him, I dont believe he is currently aware he is "different" and I look forward to the day when he can articulate what he finds difficult and then I can be more pro active, there is still on my behalf a lot of assumption and guessing.

All the best to you and your family