Single Parent

a reply to: tonycodes

I feel what you are saying here. People do split up for a lot of really stupid reasons, and too often, the kids suffer. I was a single parent myself, for a time, because he decided o leave one day, no warning, nothing. My family figured, and I think they were right, that he owed someone money, gambling or something, and was on the run. Before that, he wasn't responsible, either. Left us in a real fix, too. If not for family close by, we'd have been screwed. Well, worse than we were.

Hang in there. Things can get better.

a reply to: tonycodes

I'm a single father. My child's mother and I separated a couple of weeks before she found out she was pregnant. Rather than stay together for our child and having increasing animosity that would undoubtedly be passed on to our child, we decided to be co-parents. It was the best decision we ever made aside from the act that created our child because every interaction is about our child. I accept that my situation is extremely rare as 99.9% think we're still sleeping together, or there's some hidden attraction, etc, but there's not. My child's mother has become one of my closest and best friends. I'm also really lucky because she's also a really amazing woman and mother.

Long story short, I hope your situation improves!

a reply to: tonycodes



Unfortunately one cant make a *joint effort* when only one of a pair is

willing to.

In most cases that is the situation, a lack of commitment by one in the

agreement of creating and rearing a family.

originally posted by: MikeA

I just know I'm going to catch hell for this but... Your son's problem is that it takes a man to raise a man.

You certainly are ....

My daughter has raised a son and daughter on her own because she dedicated

herself to the task and raised him with old fashioned principals and tough love.

He is now in his late 20's has been with the same woman for about 10 years is

in a good job (started flipping burgers at 16yrs)


She has not had any trouble with him like some of her married counterparts have

had with theirs over their teens in spite of being told by one of them that "she was

doing it right" and is now having major problems with her son and drugs and non

attendence at school and disappearing for days etc.


So no I can't agree with your statement.

If one of the parties is unhappy, unfulfilled and no longer in love with the other then I would never dream of wishing them to stay together for the sake of (?) the family? If someone is not happy to be there then why on earth would I want to 'pretend' to be in an equally committed relationship for the sake of it?
I would say that sometimes co parenting works and sometimes it doesn't just as some marriages are forever and some perhaps should have never occurred.
I think that children would suffer from the negativity and animosity that would surely grow as the marriage would be on paper only.
Just my two cents.

Yeah my ex turned into a psycho and was a threat to our children and myself.
Completely destroyed our lives.

Sorry but leaving for the sake of the kids was the smartest and only move.

Anyways, takes two to tango and two sides to every story.
Best we can do is look at ourselves and better ourselves.
You can look at the faults in others and be bitter. Or you can self reflect, acknowledge your own faults and focus on making life better for you and your kids.

Seriously, staying with a partner you're unhappy with for the sake of the kids, does more damage to the kids than leaving.

If I hadn't left my ex. All of our lives, including hers would of just gotten worse and I would not have met my current wife who makes me happier like you would not believe, and my kids would not have an excellent step-mother they admire and love.
It was also a wake up call to the ex to get her # together and get the help she needed that I could not provide. She's still a cow, but a better parent for our daughters than if I'd stayed.
Me leaving was a win for all.

Don't gotta be together for kids to have two involved and caring parents.
What matters is how you deal with it.
Can be easy to confuse being scorned with abandoning the children..... Just be sure to not let your own feelings block the way of your kids having a healthy relationship with their other parent, and especially be sure to leave them out of adult affairs.

originally posted by: Justso
I had no choice but to divorce an abusive and mentally ill man.

I was quite aware that only mothers can offer what only mothers can and fathers serve a very important part in the healthy rearing of children.

However, when mental illness and abuse begin to worsen and therapy has failed time and time again, and your children begin to suffer, you have to protect your children.

Without all the nasty details, and they are very nasty, I had no choice but to remove myself and my children to a safe environment.

Yes, he did everything to avoid child support and spousal support and in the end, destroyed our 500k home, quit working and moved in with our judge. Yep, it was on the six o'clock news. And she was a powerful and mafia type and my therapist told me to get away-I was scared.

I cme back to my hometown after 20 years expecting support from family not realizing the tremendous unhealthy relationships that had happened in the 20 years I had been gone.

My adult children are deeply wounded and live 1000 miles away and do not talk. I fear my son, though he is a genius iq and seems to have a good job and social life-has inherited his father's mental illness and our relationship is extremely poor. He rarely dates and is not married at 35.

My 34 adult daughter still reels, after much therapy, from his father's ignoring her and hurting her. She rarely dates, trusts no one and is not married either.

I did the best I could but my heart is broken-every day.
There is no peace-there is no family.

I know in my heart I did the best I could do. I never married and devoted myself to trying to give my kids a normal life.

Sometimes, life's a crapshoot.

I'm not going to disagree with your choice to do what was needed. I do have a huge problem however with the number of times you use the words MY CHILDREN. They're still his children too. Divorce, illness won't change that. I for one think that's a big problem today, more so than just breaking up family's. I left my first wife when I cought her using drugs and paying for them with sex to hide it from me. We have 2 kids and though I can't be in the same room with her without seeing that, our kids never heard it from me. I remarried and went after those kids when the court decided my home was unstable. She tried everything to hold onto those kids for the paycheck. I was paying child support, if I had them she would have to pay me. When I learned she was giving our daughter drugs I had her a$$ locked up. Now they're mine and my wife's kids. The point is they're not just your kids just because he is sick. He can't help it. And yes even a bad parent is still a parent. If my ex cleans up her act then I'm sure our kids would be happy to talk to her again, but they're adults now so it's up to them.

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: MikeA

I just know I'm going to catch hell for this but... Your son's problem is that it takes a man to raise a man.

You certainly are ....

My daughter has raised a son and daughter on her own because she dedicated

herself to the task and raised him with old fashioned principals and tough love.

He is now in his late 20's has been with the same woman for about 10 years is

in a good job (started flipping burgers at 16yrs)


She has not had any trouble with him like some of her married counterparts have

had with theirs over their teens in spite of being told by one of them that "she was

doing it right" and is now having major problems with her son and drugs and non

attendence at school and disappearing for days etc.


So no I can't agree with your statement.

You can't agree well that's fine and I'm glad the boy turned out ok but I can prove my point to be the rule not the exception as is the one you mention.

It's just this simple word "Sex". I don't mean male/female, but having sex. A woman walks into her son's room and finds a Playboy and 2 shirts stuck together.

How many women out there just said ooo gross? Be honest I dare you. Now how many men said yep sounds about right? Again be honest.

A teenage boy is not going to go talk to his mom about sex. Though men talk openly about sex, a lot of women like to pretend they are pure as the driving snow. That's all of our failing. How many words do we have for a man who sleeps around, a dozen or so? How many for a woman who does the same thing. I've known a lot of people who get married just to have sex so as to protect her reputation. I'm sorry but a young man is not going to talk to his mom about his penis, and that's just the beginning of the problem.

Oh and I should also mention that the Vatican claims to have done a study on gangs. According to a speech made by the Pope about 5 years ago 97% of gang members come from single mother homes. I don't know if I agree with that or not. Because he speaks for the church that claim could be bias, but there it is.

And no I was unable to find the article. If you have that info please let me know.

originally posted by: MikeA
You can't agree well that's fine and I'm glad the boy turned out ok but I can prove my point to be the rule not the exception as is the one you mention.

Really.... surely you can only quote from a selective circle of those who you know?

It's just this simple word "Sex". I don't mean male/female, but having sex. A woman walks into her son's room and finds a Playboy and 2 shirts stuck together.

A woman teaches her son to clear up after himself in all personal areas no one else

has to be involved in his areas of personal hygiene.

How many women out there just said ooo gross? Be honest I dare you. Now how many men said yep sounds about right? Again be honest.

How old are you? This is the 21st centuary and sex has been taught in schools for

at least the last 50 years .... so how many women are blinkered as to it going on?

But she did teach him to respect women old and young and to be honest with them

to not tell them he loved them just to get what he might have wanted, and that he

could not call a female easy/slut when he was doing exactly the same thing.

A teenage boy is not going to go talk to his mom about sex.

??? Why.

Though men talk openly about sex, a lot of women like to pretend they are pure as the driving snow. That's all of our failing. How many words do we have for a man who sleeps around, a dozen or so? How many for a woman who does the same thing. I've known a lot of people who get married just to have sex so as to protect her reputation. I'm sorry but a young man is not going to talk to his mom about his penis, and that's just the beginning of the problem.

I have to ask you again "How old are you? What century are we in?

As for silly name calling ...... Whats good for the goose is also good for

the gander

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: MikeA

You may or may not be right I don't know I don't watch TV sitcoms. To answer your question however, I'm 52 and I live in the 21st century. School sex-ed teaches kids about male/female not man/woman. I'm sorry if you don't know the difference. Ask if you're not sure

edit on 3/13/2018 by MikeA because: Didn't post

a reply to: MikeA

I dont know. I’d like to believe people really try hard but the divorce rate is still really high. I think if people were more willing to practice just a healthier state of mind like go a whole day without complaining or don’t use any ad hominems, then most issues of resentment would pass. Top reasons for divorce are sleeping with strangers, money, and lack of communication. Seems pretty petty and lazy to me.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

a reply to: MikeA

Your bitterness has overtaken your ability to see the overall story. Semantics weren't and arn't the story.

Sorry for your hell and the anger you have for women inside you.

As I said, it's a crapshoot. Get better.

Of course, it is important for children to have a full family, but if parents quarrel all the time, it leads to a bad home environment, and it bad for children. So, in my opinion, sometimes it is better for some people to live apart and try to remain friends.

Being single parent is the hard job. Though sometimes it may have positive sides as well. Be positive about everything!

Ahhh you sound like my narcissistic ex.

I chose to leave my ex husband because of how he is. He is pathological liar. He fabricated an entire story he went to college and when we went to a football game there he even MADE UP stories of places he went when he lived there. NONE of it were true. That was the beginning, then there was and IS the way he still talks to me. He is very vulgar and emotionally abusive. You bet your rear I left him. I was not going to stay with a man like that and have my son see a screwed up dysfunctional relationship. I did not want my son to think it was ok to treat a woman the way his father treated me and still does! Sometimes it IS BEST to take your child out of that kind of environment. My ex will never change and he hasn't. He doesn't pay child support and he is more than capable of paying. Why doesn't he pay? Oh because i have a boyfriend but he is about to get a massive slap of reality with the courts. I am done being nice for my sons sake. I am done being walked on and talked down to and manipulated. I left him to get away from that! He trash talks me and my boyfriend to my son. My son will visit him and come home telling me i can't love Richard (bf) and him at the same time and I have to choose. When i ask where he gets that he says daddy tells him that. So yea no staying is NOT the answer when one parent is a complete and utter jack off.

My bf is an amazing man. He includes my son in all of our plans. He wants to be a father figure to him and have a life with the two of us. We will be moving to his country in a couple years. He will be a wonderful role model for my son and my son will see mommy HAPPY and loved, not abused and angry.

My ex loves to say "you chose to be a single parent" and yea no single parent WANTS to be a single parent!

I don't personally think parents should live together if they are not happy with each other. Though a kid should have both parents around anyway

I really think that people should be happy together. All relationships have ups and downs. Just do anything for your kid to be happy