Single Parent

Being a single parent is Not Healthy and Not Normal. Outside of drugs and violence no one should rationalize breaking up their family.
Life is short. You or one of your loved ones can die right now.

That’s exactly why you SHOULD stay together for your kids. Living your life like tomorrow may not come doesn’t mean to love yourself more than anyone else. It doesn’t mean to focus on filling your time with more worldly objects and attention from as many people as possible before the clock stops. And no, your not allowed to chase your dreams before you complete your responsibilities. SORRY

Making the sacrifices to keep your family together is your responsibility as an adult and parent. If your not sure how to do that, start with this Pro Tip.

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s artificial turf.”

If you break up your own family over ad hominems, money, attention or #ing chores, YOU ARE #ING WRONG. If your friends and extended family told you it’s a good idea to break up your family. THEY ARE #ING WRONG.

Using your precious consciousness to live a life long smash-n-grab on this blue marble will not end up well. You won’t end up with a more fulfilling life. Just a handful of hubris and more than likely a child that hurts someone.

No one is entitled. Life is hard. You can’t predict # except death and taxes. Make it work.
Be happy about your life if your family is safe and has clean water and isn’t starving in some hell hole country. You are lucky enough already. Millions of families would love to have that kind of a comfortable life for their kids.
DONT BE #ING UNGRATEFUL.
Stop wasting precious time and putting your own family through hell.
Don’t be a POS.
Your family is more important than
Regardless if your a man or a woman.

-Single Parent

The Op is so sensible and relevant. If all people thought like that, we would have less turmoil in our families. The grass being greener on the other side was meant to teach us a lesson, but today it seems that people think that other grass is better than what they have. My ex-wife was bipolar, I could not live like that. I have been with my new wife now for thirty four years and am happy with who I married. The thing is we actually did not work out our problems until fifteen years down the line, we were not treating our marriage as a partnership, we were competing with each other trying to make ourselves look more successful to others instead of enjoying what we had. We learned, now we have learned to live within our means and life is actually way less stressful.

I try to tell my kids, they think we are nuts and getting old and try to impress others while shuffling their families income away from needs to buy things they do not really need. The more you spend, the more you have to make to be in the same spot. Increasing income often puts people farther in debt.

a reply to: tonycodes

Sorry that your mate left you.
Too late for regrets now.

Am sure you are doing your best as a single parent. with love, respect, and understanding.

Let go of that bitterness.

a reply to: tonycodes

I do agree that kids are much better off with both parents raising them on a healthy environment.
But some relationships are not so healthy and I'm not talking about physical abuse or drugs.

My daughter has friends staying at our house almost every weekend "cuz they love it there" and some of them just are shocked at how me and my wife interact with each other.

They see how we work together.
They see true love.
They see affection between mates.
Many of them with still married parents, "about half" don't see a healthy relationship.

There is so much more to it than just being under the same roof.

a reply to: tonycodes


I’m a single parent (full legal custody). My ex was abusive and got into opiates after a car accident.

It is exhausting. My son has been in counseling for 5 years, and I put him in Juvie for a month once, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He was becoming very violent. He told me just 2 days ago, that going to juvie was the best thing that happened to him. He learned quite a bit, learned how to work and earn things, and attended church.

I never get a break, ever; and all the neglected neighborhood kids end up at my place.

My sons father doesn’t do anything for him. He didn’t even show at his
Moms for Christmas, so I still have my sons Christmas presents for his dad in the closet.

I will never understand how some parents can be so self absorbed.

I have 2 very good friends who are there for me when I need them, and vice versa, and a wonderful sister who has been a great help.

Hoping you are blessed with angels too!

I just have to jump in since I am single parent myself. In fact a single dad. Also silent reader for the most part.

Sometimes it is better without the other party involved.

My ex left me and our kiddo for her new flavor one and a half years after the kiddo was born leaving myself and my son high and dry. She had been hiding the new guy as best as she could until she finally couldn't, and I had already figured it out considering people in small towns talk. I was not going to put my son through more heartache than was already being brought down on us because his mother had decided she was not mother or family material. I gladly took custody and brought my home and child to my home state where we are now living close to family and he gets the whole family and love thing he didn't have where we were. He still sees his mother as laid out in the divorce, but I have brought what he didn't have in his life into his life getting him closer to real family. We had nothing in the small town we were in and that's tougher than anything. I know I lived it for 2 years.

I'm not saying all cannot be saved or worked through, but sometimes things cannot be fixed. I tried for over a year and got nowhere with all the effort I put forth. It only drove a bigger wedge into things, and that was what she wanted not me. Maybe it could have been worked out IF she wanted it. She did not.

My son is now thriving. He has grown in leaps and bounds. His manners have improved. He's excited to begin preschool in two weeks.
He was one and a half when his mother left us. He's now 4 and we are in a much better place than we would be if I would have stayed where we were.
You are right life is tough. You are right it sucks when people are selfish. I wasn't the one to break up my family. I was the one who stayed strong, and yes I cried when I realized it wasn't going to be the family I hoped for. It sucks, it really does. Sometimes the right thing is not staying together when the other person makes it clear they are not going to be there.

There is always hope for better, and the grass isn't always greener either.
All I can hope for in my situation is that my son grows up to be the best person I pray I raise him to be.
That's my short story. It's not great, but it is getting better with time.

originally posted by: KTemplar
a reply to: tonycodes


I’m a single parent (full legal custody). My ex was abusive and got into opiates after a car accident.

It is exhausting. My son has been in counseling for 5 years, and I put him in Juvie for a month once, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He was becoming very violent. He told me just 2 days ago, that going to juvie was the best thing that happened to him. He learned quite a bit, learned how to work and earn things, and attended church.

I never get a break, ever; and all the neglected neighborhood kids end up at my place.

My sons father doesn’t do anything for him. He didn’t even show at his
Moms for Christmas, so I still have my sons Christmas presents for his dad in the closet.

I will never understand how some parents can be so self absorbed.

I have 2 very good friends who are there for me when I need them, and vice versa, and a wonderful sister who has been a great help.

Hoping you are blessed with angels too!

I just know I'm going to catch hell for this but... Your son's problem is that it takes a man to raise a man. Your ex is NOT a man he's a big boy. Single mothers who say things like "I don't need a man" maybe not, but your son does. You don't have to get married to the guy, he can even be just a friend. Because I guarantee the reason he was acting up was because of someone he met that was willing to fill that spot. Find him a male role model. I'm sorry women can't teach a boy how to be a real man.

a reply to: MikeA


I understand what you are saying, but I can’t even bring myself to date. My son would flip also. His friends used to joke with him that they saw me with a guy, and he’d run home to make sure no one was here.

He sees a Reverend twice a week, and has counseling. My brothers can teach him mechanics. Unfortunately, my younger brother works like 70+ hours a week.

He still talks about the COs he met at juvie, they had a good impact on him.

You are correct about the bad influence at that time.

A good message by the op.
I hope one day to have a child of my own , I don't know how I will though , no one has found me worthwhile for more than a second date yet

I am sure that the Lord has someone planned for me,I just hope it is relatively soon, I don't want to deal with this crippling loneliness my whole life.
I'll have to keep on praying.

a reply to: tonycodes

Well that's all well good but life has a way of getting in the way of the best made plans.

I'm a single dad, my boy hasn't seen his mother in over 4 years because she's a #ing lunatic. I wish it were different but it's not.

a reply to: tonycodes

Being a single parent is Not Healthy and Not Normal.

Gonna have to disagree with this... its quite normal these days

Might be a little tougher then having two parents but at least IF the child has one good parent he/she will grow up just fine...

One parent my entire life...

One fantastic Mother/Father is far better then two half ass parents... Or even one Good and one Bad

Just so everyone knows I am fine and this was written in a context splitting my feelings and what I would say to someone that might be blinded by selfishness. Its been 2 years for me. We had No drugs, no alcoholism, no violence, plenty of money, just selfishness. I dont think you should be in a relationship with someone addicted to drugs or violent. Its bad for the kids.

Also, I do feel their is a bigger point.

I am glad to hear you made out like a bandit bc you broke up your own family. Even happier to know that you probably passed that kind of logic to your kids who can now perpetuate it. this has been a growing trend over the years and your not alone. and look how well breaking up families for your own benefit has been working out for society. Most drug dealers end up like scarface, but some end up like jay z, but what they have in common is they both perpetrated a culture that has not been good for society in the long run, especially not good for the kids. that doesnt change bc some of them received benefits from their selfish actions. but hey, to each his own, i dont agree with it.

Selfishness has risen- it’s always existed- and maybe always existed at the same levels as today. However, I see people walk away because “it isn’t what they expected”.

Marriage isn't what any of us expected. If we realize that (barring extenuating circumstances) we can find our feet again and be happy.

My husband and I divorced when our son was five. I regret it every day.

I've been extremely lucky, because we remained good friends (our relationship got better in many ways), he is a wonderful dad, and the woman he married is a fabulous step-mom to our son. So our son had all three of us, it wasn't a situation where a parent bailed.

But I bailed on our marriage, and I repeat, I regret it daily. If I could do it again, I would hang in there with that marriage and work on it, REALLY work on it.

a reply to: tonycodes

As CodeID10T mentioned "Sometimes it is better without the other party involved". But we do give up to easily today. That its hard is very true but if it must be done, step up and explain properly and always keep any negative remarks at bay for life. But yes, things will be missed even with death and certain away working conditions.

a reply to: tonycodes

It's good to acknowledge your feelings but eventually you've gotta let it go. This bitterness you've got will eat away at you, and if you think your child doesn't pick up on it you are dead wrong.

For the sake of your child, find a way to drop the bitterness at being left. Counseling, something, anything.

I promise im fine, if I start cracking jokes in this thread, I wont get my point across. lol Im def not bitter anymore, which feels much better, but nothing is good about this culture of breaking up families.

originally posted by: KansasGirl
My husband and I divorced when our son was five. I regret it every day.

I've been extremely lucky, because we remained good friends (our relationship got better in many ways), he is a wonderful dad, and the woman he married is a fabulous step-mom to our son. So our son had all three of us, it wasn't a situation where a parent bailed.

But I bailed on our marriage, and I repeat, I regret it daily. If I could do it again, I would hang in there with that marriage and work on it, REALLY work on it.

Perhaps someday you will forgive yourself?
When could that be? Today? Tomorrow? In 10 years?

(These questions don't require an answer. )

originally posted by: Nothin

originally posted by: KansasGirl
My husband and I divorced when our son was five. I regret it every day.

I've been extremely lucky, because we remained good friends (our relationship got better in many ways), he is a wonderful dad, and the woman he married is a fabulous step-mom to our son. So our son had all three of us, it wasn't a situation where a parent bailed.

But I bailed on our marriage, and I repeat, I regret it daily. If I could do it again, I would hang in there with that marriage and work on it, REALLY work on it.

Perhaps someday you will forgive yourself?
When could that be? Today? Tomorrow? In 10 years?

(These questions don't require an answer.

)

That's a question I ask myself as well. 😳

I had no choice but to divorce an abusive and mentally ill man.

I was quite aware that only mothers can offer what only mothers can and fathers serve a very important part in the healthy rearing of children.

However, when mental illness and abuse begin to worsen and therapy has failed time and time again, and your children begin to suffer, you have to protect your children.

Without all the nasty details, and they are very nasty, I had no choice but to remove myself and my children to a safe environment.

Yes, he did everything to avoid child support and spousal support and in the end, destroyed our 500k home, quit working and moved in with our judge. Yep, it was on the six o'clock news. And she was a powerful and mafia type and my therapist told me to get away-I was scared.

I cme back to my hometown after 20 years expecting support from family not realizing the tremendous unhealthy relationships that had happened in the 20 years I had been gone.

My adult children are deeply wounded and live 1000 miles away and do not talk. I fear my son, though he is a genius iq and seems to have a good job and social life-has inherited his father's mental illness and our relationship is extremely poor. He rarely dates and is not married at 35.

My 34 adult daughter still reels, after much therapy, from his father's ignoring her and hurting her. She rarely dates, trusts no one and is not married either.

I did the best I could but my heart is broken-every day.
There is no peace-there is no family.

I know in my heart I did the best I could do. I never married and devoted myself to trying to give my kids a normal life.

Sometimes, life's a crapshoot.