Some Odd Relationship Issues I Thought I Should Share

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

We dont warn them AWAY...we warn how he comes off but is a good guy once you get to know him...so it helps them overlook the first impression.

Btw...he met his now wife online, so thst helped.

originally posted by: Gazrok
a reply to: TheBadCabbie

We dont warn them AWAY...we warn how he comes off but is a good guy once you get to know him...so it helps them overlook the first impression.

Btw...he met his now wife online, so thst helped.

Well that's nice. Sounds like you're doing it right. Alas, if only that were the case in my situation. You'd think if they found me so unpalatable, they would just say so, but no. A little off topic I suppose, but it was a good excuse for that little rant, so I'm glad I went that way with it. I wish I was just being paranoid to think this, unfortunately though it is true. Part of the price I pay for being me I guess.

Anyhow, any other insight that you might be able to offer into this relationship sabotaging thing?

Well, it helped that we knew him for a long time. We've always been pretty accepting people. (despite the fact that I come off as the dad from Last Man Standing, hehe....)

I've often found though, that those who SAY they are accepting, and what I'd usually deem a "snowflake", can actually be some of the most judgemental, self-righteous little a-holes I've ever met....so there's that. Sounds like a lot of the folks you know fit this category.

One thing I can say, it gets better with age. In other words, others grow up, and realize that trying to surround themselves with people who are exactly like them is a) impossible, b) boring, and c) stifling and stressful.

Think about your strengths, and concentrate on those. What do you bring to the table in a friendship? For my obnoxious friend, it's humor, the willingness to argue for what's right, loyalty, and being there for us when the chips were down. Think about those kind of assets, but your own, and just don't try to hard. Be yourself, not what you think others want to see. A true friend to be will recognize and appreciate your differences.

originally posted by: Gazrok
Well, it helped that we knew him for a long time. We've always been pretty accepting people. (despite the fact that I come off as the dad from Last Man Standing, hehe....)

I've often found though, that those who SAY they are accepting, and what I'd usually deem a "snowflake", can actually be some of the most judgemental, self-righteous little a-holes I've ever met....so there's that. Sounds like a lot of the folks you know fit this category.

Surely. I don't even really get angry about it so much as disappointed and disgusted, because in a twisted way they think they're doing the right thing. It's so ignorant though, these people don't know me very well at all...it's an odd spectacle.

I honestly have a hard time summoning up enough anger to want to navigate the intrigue it would require to get through to that sort. I shouldn't have to be all game of thrones to go out and try to have a good time. They can do that if they want, mostly I'd pass. Not the sort of behavior I really care to engage in.

One thing I can say, it gets better with age. In other words, others grow up, and realize that trying to surround themselves with people who are exactly like them is a) impossible, b) boring, and c) stifling and stressful.

I'd guess you're right for most. You've got a few mean ones who'll probably never grow out of it and this is just a good bit of sport for them, but you'd like to think most would grow out of that stuff over time. I've certainly done that misplaced self-righteous thing plenty of times, I think most people have. You think you're right but couldn't be more wrong and you don't figure it out until after the fact, if then.

Think about your strengths, and concentrate on those. What do you bring to the table in a friendship? For my obnoxious friend, it's humor, the willingness to argue for what's right, loyalty, and being there for us when the chips were down. Think about those kind of assets, but your own, and just don't try to hard. Be yourself, not what you think others want to see. A true friend to be will recognize and appreciate your differences.

I appreciate that, and in general I'm fine really. Despite being fairly socially isolated, I'm not all balled up over it, I have excellent coping skills. My psyche is fairly resilient in that sense. I have plenty to offer my friends and lovers.

This sabotaging behavior I am engaging in is a thing though. It's gotten worse the last couple of times. I say nuttier stuff. My antics and shenanigans were not amusing at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Dangerously so, quite possibly. Even if it's not, it's wrong, and the social cost is considerable. I've alienated several people that I love with the last one who otherwise would be close friends, not just a lover. It needs examination. It is a cause for concern to me.

At worst it's anti-social/paranoid schizophrenic type whimsical prankery. If I were an analyst analyzing me that's what they would most likely see, or at least it is behavior that is typical of a paranoid schizophrenic or anti-social type of person. At best I just say the wrong things or make the wrong moves, in a way that tends to alienate the person. The mellower end of it could just be a sort of ineptitude or ignorance on my part at times, the worse end of it can't just be that. I've got a bad tendency there that I need to work on. It's mostly in just these specific circumstances. It has occasionally extended to other intimate relations than lovers. Close family friends and such. It's mostly involving lovers and prospective lovers though.

It's not psychotic behavior, I'm not feelingless about it, but it's still not good. I'm not very comfortable with considering myself an anti social personality in the sense of pulling the wings off of flies and such. Deviating from social norms is one thing, hurting people another. I'm not really into hurting people. I wish I could get a handle on this tendency to chase off my lovers.

This thread helps a little, helps move my inner dialogue along. I didn't get a lot of input, but it's a decent sounding board. I guess time will tell if it makes a difference. But no, I shouldn't turn away from this mentally I think. I need to be cognizant of it if I am to overcome it.

a reply to: Gazrok

Also: certainly, I shall move beyond this. I do learn from my mistakes, usually.

Regarding damage control:

I want to start by offering my sincere apologies to those of you who have been affected by my self sabotaging behavior. I'm sorry if this crappy thing I do has caused you pain. I do not mean to be like that. I'm not into hurting people. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm aware of it. I'm working on it. I'm doing the best I can with the equipment I've got. I hope you will forgive me. I hope you will one day understand that I am not a bad person, that I'm actually a very good person who has a few unfortunate flaws.

As to my words in these moments...what a person says is not the same as what a person does. I say all kinds of crazy things, it doesn't mean I go out and do them. Lots of people say lots of crazy things, it doesn't mean they go out the next day and do them. People make bad jokes, people say the wrong things, it doesn't necessarily define them. I hope you will bear these things in mind as you judge me. (I feel it's important to note here to the readers that I am not alluding to threats made, I don't threaten people.)

You might find in examining my actions that they tell a different story than a few of my words. No, not the actions told of in rumors about me, most of those things probably aren't even true. My ACTUAL actions.

a reply to: TheBadCabbie

Thank you for sharing your experience. We appreciate it.