The surprising reason why people in perfectly happy relationships end up cheating

originally posted by: Aedaeum
It's really disconcerting to see all the knee-jerk reactions. Instead of coming in here with: "Oh my gawd, cheating is Satan!!", why not actually engage in some critical thinking about yourself and others? Delve into your own psyche, drawing from experience and quite possibly placing yourself in another's shoes to formulate an educated and intelligent response. Don't superfluously regurgitate the obvious "status quo". Challenge yourself.

edit
I should add that I've been cheated on, so this is not coming from a biased viewpoint.

I have been cheated on as well....many times.

I also cheated too. I didn't sleep with anyone but i kissed another person and left my partner for this person and had a three year relationship with them. Why? I was very unhappy, actually miserable in my relationship with the other person. I told him time and time again, he didn't want to hear it. The person I kissed I had a thing for for almost a decade so when he kissed me I kissed him back without regret or anything. In the almost three years we were together I was happier than I ever had been with someone. He was a wonderful man, made me feel loved, wanted and needed. I could be myself with him and that is what i loved most. I still have zero regret for how it happened or what happened as a result. We are no longer together due to insane circumstances of which I won't go into but I have no ill feelings towards him and neither does her nor do we have any regrets. He will always be in my heart. He treated me like a person, not an object and because of him and our relationship I found myself again and regained self esteem I had lost with my partner I was previous with.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

I found myself again and regained self esteem I had lost with my partner I was previous with.

Then read the OP again, because it's exactly as you describe above. It is always about the self trying to express itself as who it truly is. The unhappiness lies in the self, not in the other person, which is exactly what this article is all about.

"But then there is also the motivation that often has nothing to do with the partner, and that has to do with a form of self-seeking. Many times, people who stray are also hoping to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, with the lives un-lived, with the sense that life is short and there are certain experiences … that they are longing for. They are looking not just for another person but in a way they're looking for another self." "Instead of thinking that the person who cheats is unhappy with their partner or with their relationship, it is sometimes important to think that they may be unhappy with themselves. Or, at least uncomfortable, restless, longing for something else, longing to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, longing to transcend a sense of deadness that they are feeling inside, longing to experience a sense of autonomy over their life.

In my experience, this is truth. My children's father has suffered, in the past few years, many health related issues that could have killed him. I was not shocked when he came to me stating that he was no longer in romantic love with me and wanted to leave. In time, I discovered that there were other women almost immediately so...it's safe to assume that the 'cheating' had begun long before the conversation. I say cheating due to the dishonesty associated with the last year or so of the 'romantic' relationship.
Looking back, I was consumed with caring for my mother, raising children (we had 5 here for a few years) and working 60+ hours a week. For me, to not see my neglect would be looking through a set of glasses shaded by my own defensiveness and pride.
I have forgiven him for the dishonesty and he has chosen to live back at home. It was the best choice for us, the children, his health and our business endeavors. I am truly his best friend and we feel, now, that when we had our children that we made a commitment to see that through, raising them to adulthood that is. The physical act itself isn't difficult for me, it was the betrayal and lies, the fake man that was at home screaming to get out. I am not walking his path so, I can't understand what he was going through or why he made the choices that he did. Some sort of mid life crisis perhaps? Wanting to live his wild side again knowing that he could suffer a massive heart attack and die any time?
Either way, he is the father of my children and I chose him to be that, didn't I? I will help him, and by helping and supporting him through his tough times will help my children. I do miss romance and having that intimacy with someone at times but, my focus now(again really) is my children, work and his health. My time will come.
Not really sure that I've added anything to the conversation but, it was cathartic so for that thanks for reading.
*My point was, I suppose, that in my opinion if 'cheating' is occurring (lies etc) than the relationship was NOT perfectly happy to begin with, was it?

originally posted by: Aedaeum
It's really disconcerting to see all the knee-jerk reactions. Instead of coming in here with: "Oh my gawd, cheating is Satan!!", why not actually engage in some critical thinking about yourself and others? Delve into your own psyche, drawing from experience and quite possibly placing yourself in another's shoes to formulate an educated and intelligent response. Don't superfluously regurgitate the obvious "status quo". Challenge yourself.

edit
I should add that I've been cheated on, so this is not coming from a biased viewpoint.

I had the same thought. Whether something is good or bad is one question (usually easily and swiftly answered, most of us have strong feelings about it).
But the reality is it happens - even to people who had the same judgement upon it as "bad" at some point.

There is a difference between explanation and excuse. Searching to understand why something happens is not searching to justify it and judge it as good.
Like anything, there is probably different reasons for different people.

Those who say, "they are just jerks who didn't bother to control themselves"... I am guessing the assumption (unstated) is that infidelity is a natural universal urge, that each just has the responsibility of suppressing in behavior (once in a committed relationship)?

That principle doesn't stand up for me. I have never cheated and never felt any urge to restrain. (neither in my marriage, nor in previous relationships). So perhaps it is some people who have this constant unavoidable urge. Many men claim this to be true for them, and that monogamy is truly a matter of restraining that with their will.

The idea of being intimate and vulnerable with someone else that I haven't a bond of trust and respect with (which takes time to build) scares the bejeezus out of me. I've explored how to get over that (a time I made effort to attend swinger clubs with my husband, under the belief he would love it and I should get over my fears) and it is just too big a challenge for me. I'm a wuss.

Perhaps because of that, the subject fascinates me. How people can feel so drawn to an activity that scares me so much? With men, I can get it partly- it is not a matter of being vulnerable to another, being penetrated by a person who is bigger and stronger than yourself (talking heterosexual relations of course)... it is simply impacting another weaker person. It's probably one way they gain a sense of strength, power, influence and impact. I get that.

But from a woman's point of view? The only thing I can make sense out of it is that she is looking to escape the relationship and it is easier to do that if you have another one formed already when you officially break it off.

But a woman in a happy relationship that decides to just screw people on the side? I'm having trouble comprehending that.

There's more complexity to explore, on the subject of happiness- like, someone may love their partner, but feel unhappy with their current way of relating. I think it is easy to say, well then, they should decided to work on it with their partner then! -That used to be my answer.
Yeah, well, sometimes the other partner isn't willing. They don't perceive there IS a problem, from their side. (You want more intimate talk and sharing? Why? I don't. Enough said.)

I see often people of both sexes say they loved their spouse but suffered from a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Though they don't all define intimacy the same way? Guys seem to consider sex as intimacy, women consider it emotional sharing.... I guess what each of them mean is, the other is not exposing their vulnerability to me enough.
In sex, she is vulnerable. In emotional sharing, he is vulnerable.

Eh, it's all back to power again. The wife opens her legs he feels powerful, the husband opens his feelings, she feels powerful. I guess a lack of balance in these exchanges leaves someone feeling like they're giving more than they get.
This could probably happen to people who do love each other at the base.

originally posted by: eXia7
Well with all of these F# apps, its only getting worse. I'd love to find a woman that was good for me, but every girl I've ever been with has ended up not being marriage material.

Now I find it hard to trust any woman.. especially since its easier for a woman to cheat than a man due to social media. I cheated on a girl a long time ago, but that was because I was young, and we weren't even good for each other.. If I ever find a woman that I want to marry, I'd never cheat again... but that's not to say she won't.

I don't know man, the world is pretty screwed up, and I don't think its going to get better.

Prior to our meeting, my husband's litmus test for anyone he was interested in was "Dinner and a museum date?" He gauged them off the responses/boredom.
To have my husband explain it, I was the only person he ever approached that way who not only said yes eagerly to the idea of a museum date, but enjoyed the hell out of it and made plans to go back again before the date was even over.
We'd discussed years later how this was so effective for him at weeding out the eventual Nopes he was interested in, "You showed enthusiasm. That's when I thought "This happy over staring at old paintings on a wall. Yep, she's a keeper." He didn't mean a keeper as in just dating, I apparently pinged high on the marriage material scale that way. 13 years later, 11 of them married, and IMO, it still seems like a wise way of gauging how well that person might work out with you.

My point is, maybe you should try & take an unorthodox weeding approach like he did. Find something usually in a public place that really interests you (for my hubs, museums) and go from there. You'll find 'er, she's out there waiting somewhere.

8 of those list are in my relationship :S

a reply to: Skywatcher2011

All i’ve Ever experienced in life is others using each other for physicsl and psychological kicks. In my last relationship I suspected cheating and right after the years long relationship ended she was straight in the sack with other guys.

It feels so gross to have shared ones self with such filth life.

It’s so sad because so many of these shallow whores and creeps have children who will never know how truly vile their parents are

originally posted by: Aedaeum
It's really disconcerting to see all the knee-jerk reactions. Instead of coming in here with: "Oh my gawd, cheating is Satan!!", why not actually engage in some critical thinking about yourself and others? Delve into your own psyche, drawing from experience and quite possibly placing yourself in another's shoes to formulate an educated and intelligent response. Don't superfluously regurgitate the obvious "status quo". Challenge yourself.

edit
I should add that I've been cheated on, so this is not coming from a biased viewpoint.

That's the problem, people don't engage in rational self-examination anymore. It's all emotional-based knee-jerk reactions.

A lot of people just simply don't have the time, or perhaps have the strength to look at things and immediately shy away from being able to consider things about themselves.

I have also been cheated on. It hurt, but I was also quite young and had different thoughts about things back then.

I think the OPs article hits the nail on the head for a lot of reasons, but then again each person's reason for cheating is their own, much like each person is an individual with their own thoughts and feelings. No two are the same.

There is a portion of the population, male and female, who aren't the monogamous type. Call them vagabond hearts, or gipsies, whatever you will, they never settle down completely or for long with a single person. I've known many people like this. It simply comes from growing and changing, etc.

Not all trees that grow together, intertwine. Just as not all couples that grow, will stay together. Some trees wither and die, while others grow in opposite directions. Some trees do grow together, intertwine, and become stronger.

Another thing to consider is this: Disposable Society mentality. We throw everything away, people and relationships included. It has been the underlying cause of a lot of issues for the last few decades, but no one talks about it because we don't fix things or spend time improving things, we just throw it away and buy another one because nothing is built to last for long.

Whatever a reason, or a season; a person has their own reasons and their own little worlds they live in.

There is one underlying reason for people to cheat: they are sorry excuses for humans.

To read the OP, it supports my assertion as the excuse given is "im lost and need to find myself". Selfish behavior is a hallmark of small mindedness.

Thanks for sharing

a reply to: Skywatcher2011

You have some points there.

a reply to: mblahnikluver

Or your partner has borderline and you don't notice it....for 20 years.

Quite a surprise the long list she had...

That was my 5-min self-pitty session.

Peace

originally posted by: eXia7
Well with all of these F# apps, its only getting worse. I'd love to find a woman that was good for me, but every girl I've ever been with has ended up not being marriage material.

Now I find it hard to trust any woman

I don't know man, the world is pretty screwed up, and I don't think its going to get better.

It's all a matter or perspective.

For example a bunch of people on this site were yanking each others chains saying the world is a better place because Trump and Kim are chatting.

Is the world really any better?

People do cheat and people in general are selfish, coupled with the ease of cheating which is both a plus and a minus of technology, we have a world where those of us that easily stray have an easy platform to do so with..

My point is that trust should apply equally to both men and women.