Addiction Advice...

no two addicts are the same. what works for one will not always work for the other. and an addict can only get better once they reach a point that they want to change. you can try to help or fix them but if they have not gotten to that point of wanting real change it is pointless for the most part. every one in my family is an addict. my brother and i both got to that point of wanting something better. no help from an outside source changed me, but the feeling of despair and having nothing and being nothing got old and i was not content with living that life style any more. addicts for the most part can not see the bigger picture. some times showing them the big picture can help out a lot. most addicts are selfish but putting the idea of what future outcome in their minds sometimes helps. someone close to me had a bad problem with drinking. no rehab or AA or any thing else was helping with him. one day i broke it down for him in a way he could understand. i asked what was the most important thing in his life. his answer was his grandchild. i then got the point across of what was more important. the idea of being there for first day of school , teaching her how to ride a bike and just being there when she needed him. or only knowing him from photos and his grave stone. that really worked for him and now he is sober, in his grandchild's life and helps out other with addiction. but like i said what works for one will not always work for another.

Personally, I'd say walk away.
You can lead a horse & all that...
(Based on unpleasant experiences).

a reply to: and14263



You have to let them crash and burn, if they don't want help. You could tell them, hey this is it, I am not going to be there for you until you get help, If you want help now I will be there for you, if not come back to me when you have hit rock bottom. Hospitals have a 72 hour detox, if you go to the emergency room they will admit you to detox, no questions asked(accept what you are addicted to).

Posting to follow the responses. I've been in similar situations. I've followed too many friends to their graves just to find my tears landing on cold hands and shaking trembling ones with family members and friends. All I've got left of them now is memories and cards with poems on them.

I've got one person left in my life that I am close to, that I care about that is addicted. I fear he'll follow suit. He sold all the jewelry my grandmother bought me from the time I was born until the time I turned 18. That's when I realized he had an addiction problem. Shortly after that he sold the XBOX my parents bought me for my 18th birthday. He won't even come to family events any more because he thinks we all hate him. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I could have done something more for my other friends. You try to help them, or offer advice or tell them how you feel and they feel attacked.

If I don't have the 40 dollars when they ask for it, or drive them all around town to "go to friends or dr appointments" they think I'm not being there for them.

I miss my friends man. This just isn't right. We were all in the Just Say No club. We all did D.A.R.E. We all partied, and we all were offered some type of narcotic at one point or another. Some of them just.... made the wrong choice I guess?

I don't want to bury anyone else because of this. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

I don't know buddy, I wish I did. Hopefully other posters have some advice for people in our shoes.

-Alee

originally posted by: NerdGoddess
Posting to follow the responses. I've been in similar situations. I've followed too many friends to their graves just to find my tears landing on cold hands and shaking trembling ones with family members and friends. All I've got left of them now is memories and cards with poems on them.

I've got one person left in my life that I am close to, that I care about that is addicted. I fear he'll follow suit. He sold all the jewelry my grandmother bought me from the time I was born until the time I turned 18. That's when I realized he had an addiction problem. Shortly after that he sold the XBOX my parents bought me for my 18th birthday. He won't even come to family events any more because he thinks we all hate him. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I could have done something more for my other friends. You try to help them, or offer advice or tell them how you feel and they feel attacked.

If I don't have the 40 dollars when they ask for it, or drive them all around town to "go to friends or dr appointments" they think I'm not being there for them.

I miss my friends man. This just isn't right. We were all in the Just Say No club. We all did D.A.R.E. We all partied, and we all were offered some type of narcotic at one point or another. Some of them just.... made the wrong choice I guess?

I don't want to bury anyone else because of this. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

I don't know buddy, I wish I did. Hopefully other posters have some advice for people in our shoes.

-Alee

Nobody sets out to be an addict!

Most addicts myself included find themselves stuck in a loop that is simply too hard to escape from. If you use something to mask pain or deal with emotional issues then the longer it goes on the harder it becoes to redeem yourself and every tie you mess up or let someone down it adds to the ever growing build of things to face if your drug of choice is taken away and it really is hard to explain the misery that it causes internally to someone who has never experienced it.

I am 40 and have finally (hopefully) found a way out of it but instead of the freedom and happiness many expect me to have I see only the pain and suffering I have caused many over the years and that is not going away any time soon if ever.

originally posted by: nonspecific

originally posted by: NerdGoddess
Posting to follow the responses. I've been in similar situations. I've followed too many friends to their graves just to find my tears landing on cold hands and shaking trembling ones with family members and friends. All I've got left of them now is memories and cards with poems on them.

I've got one person left in my life that I am close to, that I care about that is addicted. I fear he'll follow suit. He sold all the jewelry my grandmother bought me from the time I was born until the time I turned 18. That's when I realized he had an addiction problem. Shortly after that he sold the XBOX my parents bought me for my 18th birthday. He won't even come to family events any more because he thinks we all hate him. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I could have done something more for my other friends. You try to help them, or offer advice or tell them how you feel and they feel attacked.

If I don't have the 40 dollars when they ask for it, or drive them all around town to "go to friends or dr appointments" they think I'm not being there for them.

I miss my friends man. This just isn't right. We were all in the Just Say No club. We all did D.A.R.E. We all partied, and we all were offered some type of narcotic at one point or another. Some of them just.... made the wrong choice I guess?

I don't want to bury anyone else because of this. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

I don't know buddy, I wish I did. Hopefully other posters have some advice for people in our shoes.

-Alee

Nobody sets out to be an addict!

Most addicts myself included find themselves stuck in a loop that is simply too hard to escape from. If you use something to mask pain or deal with emotional issues then the longer it goes on the harder it becoes to redeem yourself and every tie you mess up or let someone down it adds to the ever growing build of things to face if your drug of choice is taken away and it really is hard to explain the misery that it causes internally to someone who has never experienced it.

I am 40 and have finally (hopefully) found a way out of it but instead of the freedom and happiness many expect me to have I see only the pain and suffering I have caused many over the years and that is not going away any time soon if ever.

I don't think they set out to be that. I'm addicted to Nicotine. I have others in my family addicted to alcohol, and this one addicted to Heroin.

It's just none of our addictions are the same, and I'm not sure If I've helped or hurt the person suffering that I love.

-Alee

a reply to: and14263

As a recovering person, i can tell you turning your back on the will probably be the right choice....it usually takes someone hitting rock bottom to truly want help. My family tried to help for 2 years before they gave up, I hit rock bottom, and crawled back a year later for help....and they helped me because they still loved me, thank God. Most have to hit rock bottom before realizing the hurt and pain and problems they are causing themselves and others, me being one of them.

I still have a few people on my list that i have yet to properly apologize/atone for.....the pain i caused....

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who struggles or struggled with being an addict, for being brave enough to say it here, and to help offer us some insight. Thank you.

-Alee

originally posted by: strongfp
People like you are why addicts why away from admitting they have a problem.

Its People like you who enable them to feel its not their fault .... there is

always something/someone else to pin the blame on.


You mentioned hard childhoods .... well two of the nicest young people I

know had very deprived childhoods, a disabled parent before and after school,

younger siblings to care for along with the ensuing finiancial problems, and getting

an education, if anyone had an excuse to opt out .... it was them.

People dismiss addicts like they do it by choice,

*WHO ELSE* puts the 'poison' into their systems?

Their friends?? Their parents?? Their loved ones??

Like they wanted to be depressed

No one wants to get depressed ..... but there are more ways of dealing with it

than opting out and letting others pick up the pieces.

Like they wanted to grow up in a disfunctinal early life, etc

You do a dis service to the many other people who had the very same beginnings

and dealt with them, rather than used it as an excuse.


Funny how theres always an excuse, a 'whipping boy' for bad behavior.

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: strongfp
People like you are why addicts why away from admitting they have a problem.

Its People like you who enable them to feel its not their fault .... there is

always something/someone else to pin the blame on.


You mentioned hard childhoods .... well two of the nicest young people I

know had very deprived childhoods, a disabled parent before and after school,

younger siblings to care for along with the ensuing finiancial problems, and getting

an education, if anyone had an excuse to opt out .... it was them.

People dismiss addicts like they do it by choice,

*WHO ELSE* puts the 'poison' into their systems?

Their friends?? Their parents?? Their loved ones??

Like they wanted to be depressed

No one wants to get depressed ..... but there are more ways of dealing with it

than opting out and letting others pick up the pieces.

Like they wanted to grow up in a disfunctinal early life, etc

You do a dis service to the many other people who had the very same beginnings

and dealt with them, rather than used it as an excuse.


Funny how theres always an excuse, a 'whipping boy' for bad behavior.

You show a lack of understanding so great that you really should refrain from commenting.

a reply to: eletheia

You are taking broad strokes at humanity and society as a whole.

Addiction isn't something that EVERYONE can understand, what makes say you an addict from me being an addict is competently different. Each person with addiction has their own reasons, I gave just a few examples.

The way you are thinking is the way people who do not understand how depression can tear someone apart from within, and would probably tell them "it'll pass"... or "don't be sad".... yea like they never thought of that before, just like you mentioned it's THEM who put the 'poison' in their body, yea they know they are doing it, they know it's not good for them, they don't need someone to tell them this.

And yea, I do know what it's like to be an addict, I am a recovering alcoholic, and still struggling at it I relapse all the time and it takes A LOT of will power to not go past 1 drink even if I have been sober for 3 months. I've been to the bottom, so before you pass judgement on me, I have lived it, I still live it, seen it, talked to dozens of people just like me, and it's not black and white as you make it out to be.

Enablers, get real, you need a little dose of reality. Because it's people like me who actually know their struggle and make them not feel like human trash or failures in life. They got into that position for a reason, and they can get out, there is always a way.

The wars in Vietnam, Cambodia, Afghanistan and others have strong motivations with drugs and the drug industries. The power of some of these drugs to take away pain is also full of exploitation and abuse among its story with humanity. Self regulation always has a tendency to push the boundaries. With the addictive nature of some medications it is a struggle to find a proper balance.

Drugs are a part of our culture and there is very much a place for them. When working with issues of palliative care and pain management the effect they have can be amazing extending both quality and quantity of life. The history of drugs also holds the opposite effects with destroyed lives, families and communities. Moderation is an important key with many things in life.

Medical issues are complex with many interactions and different cases going on. Providing support does take its toll. Finding the right line and right time to a more sustainable solution is not easy. Addictions do change a persons priorities.

Providing support to those with addiction is about more than just getting that next hit. Knowing when to say no and finding alternatives or a way out of their hole is also important.

a reply to: and14263

I think all of these situations are different, and without more information no one is going to be able to give you great advice.

If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

i suppose the level your family will be affected would be the deciding factor for me. I'm not letting someone act like a jackass around my loved ones, I'm not giving someone money if all the people that depend on me can't afford it, I'm not letting my loved ones watch a downward spiral.

In my opinion there comes a point where what you think is helping is actually hurting. Keep bailing someone out when they need money, it's never going to stop, they're always going to think they have a few hundred bucks more than they do because you'll be there. They'll stop paying you back, asking for more etc. They're not going to realize they need to be responsible for themselves, because someone is still taking care of them.

Same thing goes with bailing people out of pretty much any situation if it becomes chronic. Of COURSE I'm going to bail my buddy out of jail (for something benign), loan a couple hundred bucks (or more depending), pick them up if they're too drunk to drive and all that. I'm not going to keep doing it though. I'm not going to provide money for drugs or alcohol. I'm not going to bail someone out if they keep getting busted for drunk and disorderly or snorting coke in public.

Even if someone isn't hitting you up for money or help, it can be exhausting watching someone you care about do this kind of thing to themselves.

I think my course of action if I were questioning whether or not to remain in this persons life, would be to flat out tell them that. Then say that I was willing to help them find a treatment facility, but no more money, no more bailouts, and no more time with me or the family until I see some real progress.

When it gets to the point you're questioning if this person should be in your life, it's REAL close to being an open and shut case. It's at least ultimatum time.

Wish you both the best. Really comes down to your mental health, your family's well being, and how bad this person has actually gotten.

originally posted by: nonspecific

You show a lack of understanding so great that you really should refrain from commenting.

Thats rich and very helpful to the OP ..... only enablers, one side of the

situation allowed to comment!!

gives a real rounded view of a situation and plays right into the hands of

victim hood!

originally posted by: strongfp

And yea, I do know what it's like to be an addict, I am a recovering alcoholic, and still struggling at it I relapse all the time and it takes A LOT of will power to not go past 1 drink even if I have been sober for 3 months. I've been to the bottom, so before you pass judgement on me, I have lived it, I still live it, seen it, talked to dozens of people just like me, and it's not black and white as you make it out to be.

I commend you on your success so far, I say so far because it is never 'over' its

a chosen lifestyle. But let me ask you this ....surely when you have 'gone past

that drink' you feel a lot better, stronger, and proud of your achievment than

the times you succumb? that in itself is a reward? is it not?

Because it's people like me who actually know their struggle and make them not feel like human trash or failures in life. They got into that position for a reason, and they can get out, there is always a way.

^^^^above^^^^

I am an avid collector of sayings, a little book I often peruse, I think this

one fits the bill!!


*Nothing worth having comes easy*

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: nonspecific

You show a lack of understanding so great that you really should refrain from commenting.

Thats rich and very helpful to the OP ..... only enablers, one side of the

situation allowed to comment!!

gives a real rounded view of a situation and plays right into the hands of

victim hood!

Here you go again eh.

Your views are simply incorrect and offensive.

You bring little but self initiated smugness and most folks can see this quite clearly so my comment stands.

Thanks everyone. The replies are not ignored, much appreciated.

a reply to: hopenotfeariswhatweneed

Thank you for your opinion and suggestions. Quite useful
And I totally agree with you

It's annoying, but the answer really is that "it depends."

If the addiction behavior turns into habitual lying, theft, etc. then removing them from ones life is a viable decision. It may not be the best decision, even then, depending on the individual and situation though.

If the person is relatively open and honest about things, does not resort to theft or similar behavior, walking away may not work out well and could even precipitate a spiral into the worse behavior.

There is, of course, a whole spectrum in between and finding where an individual is located on that spectrum is completely case-by-case.

Even if you do stick it out, don't expect an overnight change. Its a process that will likely involve some slip-ups.

With all that said, the person in question needs to recognize there is an issue and be willing to work on it and that's definitely not specific to this topic.

a reply to: and14263

My personal opinion is that it's not bad to turn your back on such people. Though it all depends on how you do it. It should be step by step so they could feel how this impacts their lives.