The Battle That Wasn't. (AAM2017)

“Honestly. Couldn't they find someone else to do this?” The Captain wondered aloud. The task of cataloging countless planets of moderate potential for enlightenment seemed beneath his generous station. Yawning, as he did a thousand times a day, he gazed with stark disappointment at his schedule that clearly showed he was nowhere near complete in his task.

“What's next,” the Captain droned.

“A little planet that seems interesting enough,” the Lieutenant said hopefully. Maybe this one would please his royal pain in the...Captain.

“Well, tell me. I can't wait to hear all about it,” the Captain said, sarcasm dripping in puddles at his feet.

“It is the only inhabitable planet in its group. Yet, for some reason, the inhabitants decided to divide it up, quite unevenly, among various indigenous races, then fight to the death over it.”

“Oh. Idiots.” The Captain said 'as a matter of factly'. “Not a brain cell among them I suppose?”

“Well, not so much among the ones doing the fighting, which appear to be mostly the males of the species. The females, though decidedly weaker and more frail, are clearly in control. Somehow they managed to convince the males that they were the ones in charge thus negating any desire to fight for dominance.” The Lieutenant glanced at the Captain to gauge his reaction.

“Interesting. What an elegant solution.” The Captain tried to sound unimpressed but his tone gave him away. “What power do these females possess? Are they a threat to us?”

“From what we can tell, when confronted by an aggressive male the females fall on their backs into a defensive posture, often with their hind legs up in the air. This is a trap. When the male attacks, the female wraps herself around him and does not let go until the male is utterly exhausted. The males are actually grateful afterward. I suspect this is because the females allowed them to live.”

“Hmmm. They lure the males in to a false sense of security by feigning weakness. Deception is often the greatest weapon against strength. These are a crafty lot.”

“In deed Sir. These females further distract the males by crying that they don't possess things they don't need. The males are so intent on satisfying the females they don't even suspect its all a trick to keep them occupied and out of the way.”

“Fascinating. Tell me more...” The Captain was actually curious.

“Well Sir, the females festoon themselves with all manner of sparkly adornments, scented oils, colorful garments, and various fabricated attachments placed on strategic areas of their bodies to enhance their natural charms. This has the same effect on the males as consuming large quantities of a mind altering beverage called 'alcohol'.”

“Mind altering? Elaborate.”

“Both males and females consume it but it appears to have a much greater affect on the males. They get sluggish, uncoordinated, stupid – to put it plainly, Sir.”

“So the females force them to drink this liquid?”

“No Sir. The males do it willingly. In fact, they force themselves even beyond their capacity to withstand it's effects. Often to the point of death.” The lieutenant glanced at the Captain to see if the Captain found his report as ridiculous as he did. Noting no expression otherwise, he continued.

“We believe this is part of one version of what can only be described as a very bizarre mating ritual. The male will present a small pebble to the female. We believe this is symbolic of the nest they will build together to raise their young. Often the female will pretend not to notice the male's efforts, even though he is standing right in front of her. For some reason the male believes that the female does not see him, though clearly she does, and leaves to search for a more receptive female.”

“She pretends he is invisible... and he believes it?” The Captain asked sounding amazed. “No wonder the females are in charge. Why would the males allow themselves to be continually subjected to this kind of abuse?”

“Well, Sir, we sent a man down there, one of our finest ambassadors, to find out exactly that.”

“And???”

“Uh...well – it seems he won't come back.” The Lieutenant said, looking at his shoes.

“Say that again,” the Captain instructed in a firm tone.

“Sir, the last we knew he had sampled approximately ten of the females. At that time he turned off his communicator after sending a final message saying he was not coming back to the ship. Oh, and to 'have a nice day'.”

“These females are a force to be reckoned with. Clearly they are more advanced than we believed. We should steer clear of this planet until the males regain control. Put up some boundary beacons and lets move on to the next one.”

The ship silently departed on its journey leaving the indigenous life forms on the planet below to their battle for dominance – neither side fighting as both believe the battle had already been won. What a glorious victory it is to decisively win a battle that never even happened.

The end.

a reply to: Vroomfondel

Nice one Vroom

a reply to: Vroomfondel

We should steer clear of this planet until the males regain control

They'll never be back then!

S & F for the funny story.
(I wish I could give a star for your dog avatar!)

a reply to: FauxMulder

Thank you!

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Thank you!

It may be a while before they venture back to our neighborhood...lol

My dog-atar thanks you as well.

Very cool story loved it!

a reply to: Vroomfondel

True, too true.



Enjoyable read,

kind regards

bally