I am so NOT thankful of my hardships.

a reply to: Liquesence

Yes, all of what you said feels true.

Thank you for being kind to me.

a reply to: geezlouise

If you have anything genuine to say you can message me privately.

You are welcome healthy distance is needed to not become accepting of siht.

no one is expecting you to be thankful for child abuse. no one is expecting... YOU a reply to: geezlouise

a reply to: QueenofWeird

What an insightful statement... amazing. Thank you for that.

a reply to: Wedni

Why are you so creepy?

a reply to: geezlouise


Looks like I missed everything, I guess I should have stayed up later.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Well I hope you had some sweet dreams.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Well, I hope you had some wet dreams because I am still a little miffed at GL and I want to one up her. And I somehow sense you might prefer them to sweet dreams.

Either way though, be glad you slept through it.

i'm unusual to you a reply to: geezlouise

a reply to: Wedni

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

But yes people have urged me to be thankful of child rape- trying to say how it gives us opportunity, to become something, saying that it builds character and sh-t. And like, yes ok. I understand that we can turn that situation into an opportunity to suicide or homicide or stockholm syndrome or drug addiction only to recover and become the hero role model of healing perfection to guide others out of the darkness. But I still don't consider any of those positive opportunities. Like, I am not thankful that anyone is ever in those positions, facing those opportunities.

We would all be better without it and I still maintain that it doesn't make anyone stronger. Ever.

Just telling the troof, yo.

Also, ily MotherMayEye and that last thing you posted. I'm glad you're here.

a reply to: MotherMayEye

I am still a little miffed at GL and I want to one up her.

And yet you tell her to

Grow up

on the previous page?

Pot, meet kettle.

You deleted most of your posts, but you still come back if it affects you so badly? Just leave the thread. Stop responding.

Or can't you?

originally posted by: MotherMayEye
Well, I hope you had some wet dreams because I am still a little miffed at GL and I want to one up her. And I somehow sense you might prefer them to sweet dreams.

Yes.

Sending you a PM, GL.

a reply to: Liquesence

I wrote her privately.

originally posted by: MotherMayEye
I wrote her privately.

That makes two of us.

a reply to: geezlouise

I have a question for Geezlouise....do you think that it is "impossible" for the trauma that you experienced to be able to play some sort of positive or at the least a "necessary" role...in the grand scheme of things?

Obviously these things are very personal and you have my full support and condolances.

However personally, having come from an abusive background whihc led to suicidal depression and PTSD I personally found it has made me a more loving, stronger person in the long run (complete opposite in the short run) as the experiences taught me to be far more loving, couteous, aware of troubles others may face and determined to do at least one good deep a day, no matter how big or small.

It's not easy, it requires you to face your worst fears, you need a good supporting people around you and a 'never say die' attitude - but the rewards of turning a negative into a possitive (making sure others don't experience the same) is probably the most rewarding experiences I've had in life and also help to get rid of the black dog associated with the past so I can draw a line under it and do my best to turn a major negative I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy into a possitive thing of doing my best to help each others in similar situations.

Though all people and experiences are different - this is by no means a criticism, just a tip for what worked personally for me and should not be attempted without proper support teams/doctors as it is very trying in the initial month or so.

Harry:

Perhaps in a conspiracy type of grand scheme truman show greedy way, where I get fans on the deep web which contribute to my monetary success in life- which I do not find to be positive. However others might think so. But no thank you, I am not interested in the idea of being paid for my sexual abuse or being promoted within a company due to my childhood sexual abuse and connections. That feels so much like prostitution… and I’m not a prostitute.

But had I truly stuck with the stockholm syndrome (I kind of have actually, and I can’t seem to shake it) and learned to love my abuse… then everything might be different for me. I might’ve never gotten sick because when you’re in love it doesn’t leave much room for stress hormones to wreck havoc on your body. Being in love saves you in a very physical way… and if you can’t love your abuse then it can be something else like god, art, school and politics. It can be anything else as long as it’s something you can totally give your life to and love with all of your heart, mind, and body. And then theres drugs. Dissociation. Or a combination of all of the above, which I have done. But they’re all temporary stress relievers and temporary fixes. And it’s not for real… it's not the truth.

It seems hard for people to accept that I have been there before… thanking the abuse, albeit indirectly, by turning it into a beautiful tale of strength or just something delicious and interesting to chew on. But now I’m seeing things differently… and while “being in love” might save you from developing psychological stresses and poor health conditions for the time being… it doesn’t last. No amount of stockholm syndrome stands the test of time. So it’s a trap there. And also it enables the toxic environment and even encourages the abusers to continue. SO MORE FUGGING TRAP. And in the end, it’s really just a question of… do you want to save yourself (do you only care about yourself?) in this microwave nownownow fast impatient way, or do you want to make things better for everyone else by trying to change the environment so that we’re never in these toxic positions in the first place? Which might mean we have to start facing the painful truth about our conditions in the first place… which will make living in them very uncomfortable for some time. But maybe we have to get a little uncomfortable before we are prompted to change.

Do you believe things can run differently? I do. I know life can be different for all of us because it’s already changed so much. And I think our minds can change, too… but it might be a slower evolution. And I’m fine with that because any progress is good progress to me, no matter how slow.

At this point in my life, I can’t say that I will ever believe that “abuse” can be a catalyst for greatness or progress. A naysayer and a debbie downer in your life telling you that you can’t do what you’re doing, and then you become energized by the challenge, does not apply here. I’m talking about child abuse and serious trauma.

I am not sure if I am being clear enough or not. I am trying to make it an easy read but I also know… if you haven’t thought about these things much before then you’re not going to understand the depths of what I am illustrating here- you might not be able to distinguish the different kinds of suffering, struggles of life, challenges that life brings, and trauma. It’s like, sometimes knowledge is esoteric in the sense that… you won’t be able to really comprehend the things that I am saying unless you already know it.

I’m reading a book right now (The Other Side of Normal by Jordan Smoller) that goes into how serious child abuse is, and how closely linked it is with suicide and other negative things like anxiety and depression… and even negative epigenetic changes resulting in poorer health conditions and an almost stunted brain development in some cases. It’s saying that there are “critical periods” in our lives where whatever the environment imprints on us during that small window of opportunity, it’s there forever. It is permanent. And it can’t be rewritten. But other times there is a definite plasticity to our brains and development, where what we experience is constantly adding and pruning the synapses in our minds. Reading this book is reinforcing my unthankfulness I admit, about certain things which we can never change, or make good, or turn into something good.

And it’s like, communication is just us trying to build bridges so that we can meet… so that we can know something together, right? And I know there’s things I don’t know and I remember specific conversations now where people were trying to explain things to me… but I couldn’t see that far yet so I didn’t know what they were saying, but now I do. Now I know what they were trying to tell me and it’s a really bizarre feeling. A little embarrassing too, and it almost feels futile trying to communicate anything to anyone because if no one is going to know it unless they already know it, then what’s the point? But then… would I not have been lead here had it not been for all of those conversations and people trying to give me something more? And when we try to educate one another, isn’t it just us trying not to be alone in the things that we know? And it feels good talking to someone who already knows, too... it's a more fulfilling kind of companionship when you have that with someone.

Bastion:

Like I said elsewhere, words are not facts.
A persons testimony and claims are not facts.
Not even mine.

So, I am not at all convinced that it has given you any kind of extra beautiful perception of life or more compassion for others(I believe that you tell yourself that because it makes it easier to accept such negative experiences). And I’m not even convinced you comprehend your own suffering at this point or even the fact that you can’t really truly say who you would’ve been or not been had it not happened to you. Like, you can’t say with scientific certainty that you would have been any less compassionate if you didn’t suffer the abuses you suffered. All of your claims are constructed from fantasy and delusion at this point in time with nothing to back it.

But I wish you well in your journey of healing and I don’t blame you for going that route. I have done that, too. Because it feels so much better when we can love our lives, even if that means loving the abuse, too. And I think we should love our lives. I just personally long for the truth to make me love it, and not a lie.

Can we love that after strict dieting and exercise, we have lost so much weight and have healthy bodies now? Yes. But that doesn’t mean we have to love how we abused our bodies previously. In fact we DIDN’T love it, and that’s why we changed. And we shouldn’t be thankful of how we abused our bodies previously because then it gave us a chance to be healthy… that’s the kind of twisted logic that I am trying to confront here. Even though… diet and exercise can’t compare.

I hope I have not offended you.

You know, it's a totally common trait for people who are abused to develop control issues. Because they associate not being in control with their abuse... so they tend to overcompensate and become super controlling later in life in an attempt to prevent from ever being helpless again which in their minds leads to abuse.

a reply to: geezlouise

I'm sure that I can't begin to comprehend the trauma that you experienced....and I don't want to pretend that I do. But I hope that you are able to form some type of framework for a belief system that will help to build you up. Certainly the trauma exists in your mind ( due to the actual experience ) and it is only your mind that can construct a strategy for healing itself. I know that you said trauma that occurs at certain points in our lives never goes away....but....we also know that we should never say never. Don't let another person's conclusion prevent you from adopting a mind frame that will induce healing....just faith in believing that your mind has a way to heal itself will start the process....the fact that the perpetrator is the truly sick person and not yourself should establish a foundation for your own healing.

Place the pain and suffering on the perpetrator and release yourself from it....they created it...and they should rightfully bear it...your mind is extremely powerful....more powerful than your trauma...try to always remember that.

a reply to: HarryJoy

That was really elegant.
Thank you for that. ily.

Forgiveness is healing me like I said in the OP. But we really have to ask ourselves what forgiveness actually is, because I think people don't know what it means sometimes.

I'm not a really bitter person.

But sometimes I am angry and sad... and not just for me, either. I'm sad for other people's pain, too. I think it's an appropriate anger and I think it's proper to be sad sometimes. Compassion and empathy are beautiful things that I know will help build a better world for all of us.

And I don't believe that forming a callous on our hearts and becoming numb is a true strength that we should ever be thankful for.

I do know that becoming numb is a coping mechanism that works just as well as drugs, dissociation, and maybe religion(no offense). In fact it's probably tied to all of those things and I've become numb too in lots of ways... just like anybody would. But I am not thankful for it and I will not use it as a measurement of my strength and I will not celebrate it. I'll use it as a measurement of how toxic my environment has been, and as a reminder for what I want to change in the world. I simply refuse to harden my heart and if there's a God out there... I think that God would agree with me.

I know I keep going, lol. But honestly, these revelations never stay the same... there's always more being discovered, revealed, learned, connected, and etc. I think I probably want to most resemble water, always changing but always being the same (water is always water, the same thing, but it's moving too so it's always changing). I think even if I sound stubborn, I'm really not...

So thanks again for giving me a chance to think more about these things.