I Support YOUR Dreams! (The Ultimate Secret Revealed)

a reply to: dffrntkndfnml

Thank you.

I've been on the very edge.
Tyvm for being compassionate.

Under this crushing weight I'm sinking
It never goes away, the thinking
Echoes in empty rooms decaying
Alone to face the rest of me

So long sentiment
It doesn't matter now
So long sentiment
It doesn't matter now

What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I torturing myself?
Inhaling all these memories
Like a breath of fire sent from hell

Lead in my gut, not in my spine
I feel distracted all the time
Well lucky me, I'm finally all alone
I'll miss you

What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I torturing myself?
Fixated on these memories
Like a prisoner inside a cell

With nothing useful to say and no one to listen to it
Filling the deep with the pain, I slowly sink into it
Consider questionable things to try to get me through it
I've tried to push it away but I always give into it
Long for the taste of the rain that finally helps subdue it
And washes this all away

Under this crushing weight I'm sinking
It never goes away, the thinking
Echoes in empty rooms are saying
"Time to erase the rest... of me"

I am still here waiting
I'm anticipating
While they are orchestrating
To grant the wish that I am making

No price too great, no distance too far
If I could wish upon a Blackstar
It makes no difference where they are
They'll grant my wish upon a Blackstar

We are all here waiting
We're anticipating
While they are orchestrating
To grant the wishes we are making

(Ah-ah, ah-ah)
(Ah-ah, ah-ah-ah)
It makes no difference who we are (Ah-ah)
It makes no difference who we are (Ah-ah)
No price too great, no distance too far
If we could wish upon a Blackstar
It makes no difference who we are
When we have wished upon a Blackstar
When we have wished upon a Blackstar
They'll grant our wish upon a Blackstar

Blackstar
Blackstar

You must have wished on it
Because I saw them riding in on a Blackstar
They'd rather chew than spit
And they're full of piss and vinegar

There's no way to persuade
To give up their crusade
They've come to grant the wish
You should have never made
Sing Hallelujah 'cause you can't change anything

They'll let you try
To reverse everything
Don't waste your time
Sing Hallelujah 'cause you can't change anything

They move without a sound
And their eyes will paralyze who gaze into
They'll leave you gagged and bound
To the whip of the wish they've granted you

There's no way to persuade
To give up their crusade
They've come to grant the wish
You should have never made
Sing Hallelujah 'cause you can't change anything

They'll let you try
To reverse everything
Don't waste your time
Sing Hallelujah 'cause you can't change anything

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Halle-lujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Halle-,
Hallelujah Hallelujah-ah-ah!
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Halle-lujah
Hallelujah-ah-ah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Halle-, Halle-, Hallelujah Hallelujah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Looks like they're over it
I saw them riding off on a Blackstar
With nothing left to chew, they split
Because it makes no difference who you are

They'll let you try
To reverse everything
Don't waste your time
Sing Hallelujah 'cause you can't change anything

muzzleflash, it seems that you have suffered something terribly disappointing, perhaps even heartbreaking -

- your posts are a bit worrisome, do you have someone you can talk to?

I don't know what I can offer beyond prayer -

- though I do have over 50 yrs. experience with disappointment, heartache, and Depression etc...so, I know what it's like to feel as if all hope is lost.

Please be kind to yourself and try not to let despair win..

originally posted by: lostgirl
Please be kind to yourself and try not to let despair win..

It's probably too late...
I'm experiencing complete Spiritual death.

I can't write, I can't think, I can't do anything right now except bare minimum survival and I'm even losing grip on that quickly as the days progress.

In a lot of ways I've lost touch with everything, including myself. I don't know who I am anymore, my identity has turned into dust. I don't have a connection to anyone beyond a momentary chat, and I certainly don't feel like talking to them about how I feel.

I don't think I have faith in anything anymore, I think God abandoned me long ago and that I am accursed. I am alienated and exiled into a very lonely pit of despair. Maybe it is self-pity, but I don't really care what it is or what anyone thinks. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter, I never did. It was all a great delusion.

There is no sanctuary or solace, there is no one who genuinely seeks to help me the way I need it, and even had I gotten what I so desperately needed right now I'm not sure it'd do much good, I'm so utterly devastated and damaged at this point.

I'm beyond the existential crisis, I fought for years and years to keep my Heart alive, to save my own sense of identity in this world and to protect my Soul from the darkness... but even I have a breaking point. I'm basically beyond that point now.

I need a life of meaning and fulfilling connections, I need hugs and loved ones to share myself with. I need to be cherished by and to cherish others. I need to have fun and enjoyment.

But what do I do? I just want to be alone. I don't have much to say to anyone. They are lost in their own world, I am lost in mine. I just go off and be by myself. I quit my job a long time ago. I don't feel like I can do anything or deal with anyone for the most part. I just want to be alone, maybe so I can try to work this out. It's not working out.

They said that "The Dark Night of the Soul" is necessary, that you have to be completely annihilated on every level, from your beliefs to your sense of self, in order to be reborn into something new and great. But I'm afraid I will not be reborn this time. I've been through that many times now. Being reborn into someone great is meaningless to me now, it didn't do anything good and it didn't bring me closer to happiness. It just postponed the inevitable. I was just buying time hoping I could be saved.

I am Spiritually Dead. I have lost my Soul. There is no "Me" anymore, I don't even have a personality. I've failed. And I'm so unhappy with God that I cannot even express it fluently.

There's nothing anyone can say that will fix it. I needed action, but now I'm Lost. This time I don't even care that I don't even care, I'm so used to pain and despair that it's not even pain and despair anymore... it's just blankness... emptiness... meaninglessness.

I know everyone's got a stupid opinion and a hollow suggestion, and many criticisms for me. And you know what? I don't care. It's my life not theirs, they'll never ever understand what happened inside of me. All of my hopes were crushed by God himself out of pure spite.

I don't care what anyone else does and I don't have time to criticize their mistakes. I know I screwed up a long time ago, and so I get to enjoy the consequences of my failures. So be it. There's nothing I can do now, it's too late. I lost out on this life. There's nothing left... there is no life.

What pisses me off the most is that I was technically correct about how the universe works and how God works and all that crap, there was no alternative solution, I had it right. But God just had to make me wrong at any cost. Therefore I incurred God's wrath over pretty much nothing. I just thought I deserved to have a good esteem for once and thought I deserved a good life. But I never made it that far...

There's nothing to pray for anymore. It's over. I'm over. I'm ashamed I ever cared or believed to begin with. I can't help it, I lost my faith, my way, myself.

So you know what I'm gonna go do now? I'm going to go get a cup of coffee with one of my last dollars, smoke one of my last cigs, and go sit by myself all night reeling from the impact of my failure. I will probably wish there was more I could have done, or wish that there might be something I could do tomorrow to recover, but I know there is not, it's too late I'm too far gone. I have a nice little slab of pavement hidden in a cloister that no one ever goes to where I can curl up and sleep under the stars knowing that I'll never get out of this alone. That's where I belong and where I'm content - all alone.

You see I didn't just fail myself, I didn't just fail everyone else, but everyone else failed me too. I needed help because I'm not perfect. I'm a sensitive being with feelings and I struggle, I needed support and love too.

It's not just something that happened overnight, it's a lifelong struggle. I was abandoned by my mom when I was 6months old, I couldn't ever get a girlfriend in school, my wife hated me every day of the 12 years we were together, I haven't seen my kids in almost 4 years so I know I completely failed them utterly, I'm trapped here in a city that's completely foreign to me despite that I know it very well, I can't stand almost anyone, my family doesn't really care, I don't actually have friends in fact I don't even know what a real friend is anymore. I spent my whole life searching for and believing in this bs called "Love" that did nothing but betray and hurt me, I spent all these years begging God for help only to have tricks played upon me every single last time ensuring my hopes were crushed in the most humiliating ways.

I'm very stubborn. I'll never believe in anything but "Love". I'll never conform to the ways of this world or it's lousy concepts of what life is. I'll never ever change because "Me" is the ONLY thing I ever had of any value. And now it's just too late. There is no me left. There's nothing to strive for. I don't even know why I eat anymore. There is a zero % chance I will ever change. I dug my own grave, no one else would have bothered to give me a burial or eulogy anyways. Would you give it? Well than no one would because it came down to you. So I'll just do it myself because I think I deserved at least to be grieved and remembered.

So I just want my damned coffee and cig and then to sleep for like 10 hours without caring about anything. Then tomorrow I'll get up and do it all over again, I'll go sit on a bench in the park all alone with a coffee and a cig and wonder how the hell did it come to this, what happened to me, is there anything I can do, how am I gonna afford a cig or coffee on Monday? Then I'll just go back to my little hiding place and sleep and do it all over again and again for all of eternity.

I know I'm already in Hell. This is it.... complete Spiritual Death.
There's no way out. I need Miracles, big ones. Just to have a slight chance out.
I always care but I don't care anymore you know?
I don't even know what 'smiling' is anymore. It's been years...

Now that I'm Souless maybe I should run for political office?

Hahah...
At least I still have a sense of humor.

a reply to: muzzleflash

I am so very sorry that you have reached such a dark, despairing state...Nothing I can say will seem anything more than empty words, but I want you to know -

- you are not the first person to feel as if you have been betrayed by God Himself...it probably won't help, but I'll share what I learned, just in case it could help..

The following will make me sound like a total fruit loop, but after years of reasoning it all out, it's the only thing that made sense:

The main thing I had to realize is that God is 'all loving', not 'all powerful', and there are forces in this world that purposely seek people of faith who are firm in their belief that God will fulfill specific needs or desires -

- it is those 'forces' which have "crushed your hopes", not God...because 'they' have an 'agenda' - to rid the world entirely of hope by ridding it entirely of faith, so that ultimately 'they' can utterly destroy humanity.

And I know this is not going to be the least helpful to you, because it doesn't change your over all experience or the devastation you feel...
...but I couldn't just turn away from your pain without at least offering you a different perspective on 'who' to blame for that pain.

You deserve to know that God, whom you have loved, really does love you - even if He is unable to provide all that you need...

...and no, I do not know why that is - I don't know why His power is limited -

- I only know that I've experienced being granted many smaller scale prayers in answer to certain kinds of needs, and so have come to the conclusion that He does the best He can within His limitations..

I've also experienced that the more I hold onto faith and express thankfulness for those small blessings, the more often He is able to respond to prayers...though there are still times when 'those' with 'the agenda' prevail..

And the last thing is this:

I have come to believe that if enough of us can resist 'the agenda' and keep a hold on faith - refuse to let go no matter what - that there will come a time when our 'investment' in Faith becomes a sort of Energy that can reignite all the 'powers' of God's Love...

...and then - Miracles really can happen again.


Again, I know none of the above is likely to be of any help - I only posted it because your pain deserves some kind of response, and it was all I had...please don't feel you need to respond...

a reply to: lostgirl

I'm actually very surprised that 3 or more people read this far into this thread.

I did put some interesting stuff in here.

Strangely enough, one of my biggest frustrations is this thread. I regret not writing it as it came to me. More than half of it still exists in the aether somewhere in my memory...

I wish I could sit down and finish it so I can write all my other stuff.

I'm stuck because I have to turn part of myself off so I don't come up with more material because I have too much in the fridge currently. And because I turned that part of me off, I'm facing a type of block that prevents me from flowing properly.

And knowing how far behind I am is really upsetting.

If I could just manifest my 50 threads on all this stuff I'd finally be in the clear.

To me eliciting all this info is my primary purpose in life right now. I can't start my other projects till I gain significant ground in this one. And if I could write a few hours every day - this project alone would take a few years....

a reply to: muzzleflash

I don't really know what to say to this post, except....

....maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself about it?

You know, most writers have tons of material that never even makes it to the publishers, as well as tons of stuff that was edited out of the 'finished' works as being 'too much info' or not really 'necessary' to the final draft..

Also, there's a lot to be said in favor of condensed 'versions' of what a writer originally envisioned.


Your threads are your art - as such, they should be a source of enrichment to your life, not frustration and definitely not a source of regret...

a reply to: muzzleflash

Eh muzzleflash, good to see you here.

Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, God seems far away.Past imagery though, as an action I describe God as good.As long as I am able to practice expressing positive action, Love doesn't feel so far away.I think this is what helps the little things make such a big difference.

Take this with a grain of salt, this is probably just a reminder.When talking about beliefs, individuals often have varying descriptions and I don't really see this connection brought up as much as I look.

I enjoy writing, and the good that I hope do can be very frustrating to deal with, when I think about some of the goals I have for myself.A part of me feels like I have to write, and juggling priorities is tiring when I dream of bigger dreams.

Please don't underestimate the good you have done, the worker is worth his keep.

I'm feeling very different tonight...



We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo tonight
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo tonight
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo

Neon lights glisten off the streets
The moonlight swallowed up by breathing electricity
Salvation hovers in the sky
Dream of a life inside while we escape just to survive

Let go, take flight
Dreams begin to reignite
So clear, so bright
We're glowing in the dead of night
Plug in, online
The datastream linking our minds
Circuits entwined
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo tonight

We're made of flesh, circuit and bone
The only world we've known, these empty streets we walk alone
Salvation blocking out the Sun
Beneath its shadow cast I dream with my Aphelion

Let go, take flight
Dreams begin to reignite
So clear, so bright
We're glowing in the dead of night
Plug in, online
The datastream linking our minds
Circuits entwined
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo tonight

A new hope glistens off the streets
Rainfall washes away the memories in binary
Salvation bathes us in its glow
We look up to the sky and dream of Neo-Tokyo

Let go, take flight
Dreams begin to reignite
So clear, so bright
We're glowing in the dead of night
Plug in, online
The datastream linking our minds
Circuits entwined
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo tonight
We'll dream of Neo-Tokyo tonight

Feeling instrumental and atmospheric tonight...

Nothing to say just thinking about The Possibilities of Purpose....

You gotta step right in the
Smack in the middle of it
Just get a running start
Don't stop before you begin
It tears you right apart
I'll find whatever I find
And see whatever I see
I'll make the rest of my mind

Hey
For an infinite minute
Let's stop the clock and be in it
What takes you out just forget it
Whatever you will allow
For an infinite minute
Let's find a way to begin it
Forever and now

La la la la la la let me go
I don't need to know
Where the slander goes
Na na na na na you're never there
When you're unaware

Everybody everybody gotta go
Everybody that you know-ow-ow-ow-ow
Everybody everybody gotta go
It's time to jump out of the shadow
Come together for the yesterday's already gone
Forever forever now
Everybody everybody gotta go
Forever now

Taking a ride on a cosmic trip
Getting my kicks while I try to pick apocalypse
Find your light shine around the eclipse
It's something I'll never miss

(Repeat 2 3 4)

Someday I know that you and I will
We will all be gone
But the harmony lives on and on
On and on

Along the way to close my eyes
I lost where I was going
The more it will spin the more that I try
To stop my mind flowing away, away
To all that I despise
Along the way to close my eyes

You can’t be let down if you don’t expect the world
Expect to lay awake there by your sleeping girl
If somebody cares then there is no way you can tell
Cursed consciousness it’s your private hell

Along the way to close my eyes
I lost where I was going
The more it will spin the more that I try
To stop my mind flowing away, away
To all that I despise
Along the way to close my eyes

Tick tick tick the clock bludgeons your mind
Endlessly replaying times that were unkind
Go away sun I’m not prepared for you today
It seems you are it seems you are

Along the way to close my eyes
I lost where I was going
The more it will spin the more that I try
To stop my mind flowing away, away
To all that I despise
Along the way to close my eyes

Oh... posting music wasn't actually in the plan for this thread but... might as well since I'm not writing out the stuff I'd want to anyways.

My idea is that I'm going to break this into sections and repost them after a little editing when I finish it anyways...

I'll figure it out later...

I slept till 11:30 today, it was awesome.
Weather's great, got $$$, I'm in 1 piece.

Made it this far.

My all time fav 311 song which I identify with intimately (and I've been into them since the mid 90s and liked almost everything they made):



Lying down on the pavement, so happy
Seeming to be in balance, but how could that be
Really I must be jealous, don’t tell me
I just gotta leave the broken pieces or it’ll be the death of me

Six long years and seven heartbreaks
Broken strings and countless outtakes, why?
Never thought that I would follow through
Got a working title somewhere
And I know one day I’ll get there, I’m
Grasping here

I’m looking out for a simple kind of true
Don’t know what I am waiting for
I’m holding out for a simple kind of true
At least some kind of a metaphor

It’s simple, simple and it’s true
We got much to do
No excuses they’re just useless
We've got much to do

I’d say you hung the moon if they ask me
You help me so the plot won’t get past me
Sometimes the obvious cannot be seen
At least not by me

I’m looking out for a simple kind of true
Don’t know what I am waiting for
I’m holding out for a simple kind of true
At least some kind of a metaphor

Remember all of the times
When we couldn't make up our minds
Hours and years disappear

I’m looking out for a simple kind of true
Don’t know what I am waiting for
I’m holding out for a simple kind of true
At least some kind of a metaphor

Something really interesting I'd like to share are the works of the author Hermann Hesse.

What originally bought me to discovering this was the novel Steppenwolf, which seems to be easy for me to understand as I can relate with many aspects of it.

Originally published in Germany in 1927, it was first translated into English in 1929. Combining autobiographical and psychoanalytic elements, the novel was named after the German name for the steppe wolf. The story in large part reflects a profound crisis in Hesse's spiritual world during the 1920s while memorably portraying the protagonist's split between his humanity and his wolf-like aggression and homelessness.[1]

The book is essentially about the struggles of life, the existential crisis, and Spiritual transcendence through these trials.

As the story begins, the hero is beset by reflections on his being ill-suited for the world of everyday, regular people, specifically for frivolous bourgeois society. In his aimless wanderings about the city he encounters a person carrying an advertisement for a magic theatre who gives him a small book, Treatise on the Steppenwolf. This treatise, cited in full in the novel's text as Harry reads it, addresses Harry by name and strikes him as describing himself uncannily. It is a discourse on a man who believes himself to be of two natures: one high, the spiritual nature of man; the other is low and animalistic, a "wolf of the steppes". This man is entangled in an irresolvable struggle, never content with either nature because he cannot see beyond this self-made concept. The pamphlet gives an explanation of the multifaceted and indefinable nature of every man's soul, but Harry is either unable or unwilling to recognize this. It also discusses his suicidal intentions, describing him as one of the "suicides": people who, deep down, knew they would take their own life one day. But to counter that, it hails his potential to be great, to be one of the "Immortals".

Just as Harry in the novel discovers this magically uncanny book, this book itself, Steppenwolf, is in many ways a great surprise to me personally especially in that I discovered it at this point in my own life which reflects heavily to this novel's descriptions.

By chance, Harry encounters the man who gave him the book, just as the man has attended a funeral. He inquires about the magic theater, to which the man replies, "Not for everybody." When Harry presses further for information, the man recommends him to a local dance hall, much to Harry's disappointment.

When returning from the funeral, Harry meets a former academic friend with whom he had often discussed Oriental mythology, and who invites Harry to his home. While there, Harry is disgusted by the nationalistic mentality of his friend, who inadvertently criticizes a column Harry wrote. In turn, Harry offends the man and his wife by criticizing the wife's bust of Goethe, which Harry feels is too thickly sentimental and insulting to Goethe's true brilliance. This episode confirms to Harry that he is, and will always be, a stranger to his society.

And what's even more interesting is that this tale not only delves into "Oriental mythology" (and Eastern mysticism in general) but that it brings up Johann Wolfgang von Goethe who I actually wanted to talk about in some degree around this part of the thread. If you don't know, he is the author of one of the greatest tales of all time - Faust. Which I'll come back to momentarily.

Back to Steppenwolf -

Trying to postpone returning home, where he fears all that awaits him is his own suicide, Harry walks aimlessly around the town for most of the night, finally stopping to rest at the dance hall where the man had sent him earlier. He happens on a young woman, Hermine, who quickly recognizes his desperation. They talk at length; Hermine alternately mocks Harry's self-pity and indulges him in his explanations regarding his view of life, to his astonished relief. Hermine promises a second meeting, and provides Harry with a reason to live (or at least a substantial excuse to continue living) that he eagerly embraces.

During the next few weeks, Hermine introduces Harry to the indulgences of what he calls the "bourgeois". She teaches Harry to dance, introduces him to casual drug use, finds him a lover (Maria) and, more importantly, forces him to accept these as legitimate and worthy aspects of a full life.

So essentially Harry is suicidal because he isn't living a full life and see no point in continuing the drudgery. But then Hermine basically shows him a good time and even gets him a girlfriend. It then ends with an experience of the Magic Theatre;

Hermine also introduces Harry to a mysterious saxophonist named Pablo, who appears to be the very opposite of what Harry considers a serious, thoughtful man. After attending a lavish masquerade ball, Pablo brings Harry to his metaphorical "magic theatre", where the concerns and notions that plagued his soul disintegrate as he interacts with the ethereal and phantasmal. The Magic Theatre is a place where he experiences the fantasies that exist in his mind. The Theater is described as a long horseshoe-shaped corridor with a mirror on one side and a great number of doors on the other. Harry enters five of these labeled doors, each of which symbolizes a fraction of his life.

So this "Magic Theatre" is both the subconscious and the realm of Dreams where one can experience, as if it were real, the 'ethereal and phantasmal' aspects of our own psyche/soul.

Isn't this a fascinating piece of work?

In the preface to the novel's 1960 edition, Hesse wrote that Steppenwolf was "more often and more violently misunderstood" than any of his other books. Hesse felt that his readers focused only on the suffering and despair that are depicted in Harry Haller's life, thereby missing the possibility of transcendence and healing.[3]

I too often feel that people misunderstand my writings of my life in a similar fashion.

I don't want people to focus on the suffering and despair and seemingly self-destructive aura of my experiences - instead I want everyone to realize the incredible "possibility of transcendence and healing" that I am gifted with. That through all of these tears and through all the agony of defeat that I can finally stand triumphant over myself and break through all of the walls I trapped myself within.

That I can finally have a chance to truly conquer myself and therefore conquer all things in this world, in this life.

It is also notable that the very existence of Hermine in the novel is never confirmed; the manuscript left in Harry Haller's room reflects a story that completely revolves around his personal experiences. In fact when Harry asks Hermine what her name is, she turns the question around. When he is challenged to guess her name, he tells her that she reminds him of a childhood friend named Hermann, and therefore he concludes, her name must be Hermine. Metaphorically, Harry creates Hermine as if a fragment of his own soul has broken off to form a female counterpart.

So essentially there is a lot of speculation about whether Hermine is even a real person or simply a figment of Harry's own psyche.

Also isn't that a fascinating coincidence that the main characters are Harry and Hermine? Sorta like Harry Potter and Hermione Jean Granger? Note - Rowling claimed she got the name from 'The Winter's Tale' a play by William Shakespeare, which might be worth mentioning later on as well.